tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20539596195270788292024-03-05T16:56:01.147-08:00Tower Farm ReviewsReviews of Slashers and Sleaze...brought to you by Billy and JM (the brothers who know it best)Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.comBlogger135125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-47257975292367995192010-12-14T07:13:00.000-08:002010-12-14T07:13:32.409-08:00Witchboard (1986)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVKnROOOjwTFCAeOetETEk_91NRXrL0z6bQpaoYNQuolHiICa_suUIjzXHB6cLMb89znzgeWicTumOD2egc_X-2FNLPHWrXjgFu9cQgrOo1_vdCIuFUfS22ly4Ch-eI6OI1TCwkV-JS7M/s1600/witchboard7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVKnROOOjwTFCAeOetETEk_91NRXrL0z6bQpaoYNQuolHiICa_suUIjzXHB6cLMb89znzgeWicTumOD2egc_X-2FNLPHWrXjgFu9cQgrOo1_vdCIuFUfS22ly4Ch-eI6OI1TCwkV-JS7M/s320/witchboard7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">There is a performance in <i>Witchboard</i> that is so surprising, so multi-faceted, and so spellbinding that it should go down in history as one of the best ever in horror films.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early in the movie, the character appears to be controlled and tightly-wound; but watch closely, and you’ll see that at any moment, things are going to unravel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the film trudges on, the performance becomes wilder and wilder, bigger beyond belief, until you can’t keep your eyes off of anything else on the screen.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Ladies and gentlemen…for your consideration as the most overlooked horror performance in history: Tawny Kitaen’s hair.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtlXAdljkzMN1ZrXfzlkz-FtJ93EQG_ppkXV8L6u_jKy5OzEvNQSr26ffHxssUxFdMfl3owb11P9AcD71aSsshp9AtIwq-XaIl-m4d95AtVAL1VtW_7K2O1Btbb1WMfPT4q5h0FVJ59Zh1/s1600/witchboard5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtlXAdljkzMN1ZrXfzlkz-FtJ93EQG_ppkXV8L6u_jKy5OzEvNQSr26ffHxssUxFdMfl3owb11P9AcD71aSsshp9AtIwq-XaIl-m4d95AtVAL1VtW_7K2O1Btbb1WMfPT4q5h0FVJ59Zh1/s320/witchboard5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">When the most compelling element of a movie is sitting atop the leading lady’s head, you know you’ve got a winner on your hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, my friends, <i>Witchboard</i> is a winner in a BIG way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From sets that look like they were constructed in someone’s garage to a plot that literally revolves around a piece of cardboard, this movie should be required viewing for any film student itching to make a scary movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With almost nothing to work with, director Kevin Tenney somehow gets everything right, and turns out a horror movie that is not only hysterical to watch, but actually manages some brilliant jump-scares in the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will you love this movie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All signs point to…</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDyEUrGeW22sppdO-KXnBLBDL6Btlsd6-DbRx3YEAHklQBtFeEKzU_ftddyeA-nfM9YBgZERFw8_kj_4glOVzzGGi4KGgrh9xkM7rGrziSgvxl6_965_IDZ3iomp5vreOiTPqD0mkt6OUI/s1600/witchboard3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDyEUrGeW22sppdO-KXnBLBDL6Btlsd6-DbRx3YEAHklQBtFeEKzU_ftddyeA-nfM9YBgZERFw8_kj_4glOVzzGGi4KGgrh9xkM7rGrziSgvxl6_965_IDZ3iomp5vreOiTPqD0mkt6OUI/s320/witchboard3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So…the plot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, Tawny Kitaen and her wild hair are living with Todd Allen and his equally-mesmerizing unmovable face, and there’s this Ouija Board, and…okay, well, the plot’s kind of involved and requires too much typing to summarize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suffice it to say that Tawny becomes obsessed and then possessed by an evil spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and there’s a love-triangle that’s kind of important, between Tawny, Todd, and soap star Stephen Nichols, sporting a pretty impressive blonde "business-mullet" himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLxeEdhikHtWU6GYOnha46gPlqs_BaEEGilyX5zoK-_qs45clSI9_qC4uFpFHI4_1mP-98l2qWapPs5f1bJxYcxDwe86XogUKLQIUSKhUkRep2W3UxEbVbPtuPslQo4kiLqb5TEA5U-1Y_/s1600/Witchboard1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLxeEdhikHtWU6GYOnha46gPlqs_BaEEGilyX5zoK-_qs45clSI9_qC4uFpFHI4_1mP-98l2qWapPs5f1bJxYcxDwe86XogUKLQIUSKhUkRep2W3UxEbVbPtuPslQo4kiLqb5TEA5U-1Y_/s320/Witchboard1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Of course, we don’t care about the plot here. We are about the scares. And this is where Witchboard comes off as a masterpiece. Here’s a little anecdote to prove my point: imagine…a cold Indiana night, JM and Billy sitting on the living room floor and their parents laying on the couch. JM and Billy finally convinced their parents to rent <em>Witchboard</em> from DJ Video – the best VHS rental store in history – and now the family is watching it. Hey – don’t judge – this is the family that watched <em>The Exorcist</em> while eating dinner on TV trays. Anyway, JM and Billy have a very grumpy father who can’t lay on the couch in front of a movie without dozing off about five minutes after it starts. But every three minutes in <em>Witchboard</em>, there’s a jump-scare. You know…</span></div><br />
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(BANG!) A hatchet suddenly flies by the screen…<br />
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(BANG!) A phone suddenly rings…<br />
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(BANG!) An Ouija Board suddenly explodes into the air…<br />
<br />
Some might call them “cheap” scares…but nothing’s too cheap here at Tower Farm. So, <em>Witchboard</em>’s jump-scares are so effective that JM, Billy, and their mother are literally levitating off the floor every three minutes until Dad, his nap interrupted, yells out, “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???” and storms out of the room. It is a classic moment in Tower Farm history, and forever endeared <em>Witchboard</em> to our hearts.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Of course…with the great comes the not-so-great, and to that end you have to sit through Kathleen Wilhoite’s performance as the valley-girl psychic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, you can’t help but fall in love with everyone else on the screen – especially tobacoo-stained, whisky-voiced Rose Marie, in a thankless role as the landlady.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAqGrMswgM581PD967YUtQuAU6JvlGkAinjZ2gHqGVQlHv4BlSReU8pLxSnSehcBRmBpY0udorRN5HS-ldPvZYe-0Z_ksdsUn5n2Ua4Tbiajc9Fk9756rUWEloXzoLRCAin3PZspiyoORM/s1600/witchboard4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAqGrMswgM581PD967YUtQuAU6JvlGkAinjZ2gHqGVQlHv4BlSReU8pLxSnSehcBRmBpY0udorRN5HS-ldPvZYe-0Z_ksdsUn5n2Ua4Tbiajc9Fk9756rUWEloXzoLRCAin3PZspiyoORM/s320/witchboard4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlWJzZANMJ8e2LGjdAiACaQ8njlNXVZ7iQt8ZqOd-ViPbQ441Pt-YBrlcGDUqSKDZxXn02KvDbDMW7xxTjG75qKCtK3WN1tx2yzEAOcqFX2S-s-2zghzVPUOCN5sU4jl33AagfdRwa2UFI/s1600/witchboard6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlWJzZANMJ8e2LGjdAiACaQ8njlNXVZ7iQt8ZqOd-ViPbQ441Pt-YBrlcGDUqSKDZxXn02KvDbDMW7xxTjG75qKCtK3WN1tx2yzEAOcqFX2S-s-2zghzVPUOCN5sU4jl33AagfdRwa2UFI/s320/witchboard6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Like the Hasbro toy it’s based around, now available at a Toys ‘R Us near you, this movie is just way too fun to not like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, it’s damned near perfect…which is what makes <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Witchboard%202%3A%20The%20Devil%E2%80%99s%20Doorway%20%281993%29">Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway</a> all the more incredible…it’s actually better. So make it a double feature…and when you’re screaming out “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???”…don’t say you weren’t warned!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">FOUR-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!</span></div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-61940158415913370142010-12-01T07:19:00.000-08:002010-12-01T07:19:52.479-08:00Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ2jg72LRMRcHGaOeqb0oK9tmDbZD3amUssM1jQ452rgvn6813ubu8I6I8QLXeptmUZqSVSpq7Aggazl5aW5NITgv-RD17T7BxXShzZ0tBb0pgWoTo6VBk94lYHqTu30-rctK0ROLH711B/s1600/Howling7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ2jg72LRMRcHGaOeqb0oK9tmDbZD3amUssM1jQ452rgvn6813ubu8I6I8QLXeptmUZqSVSpq7Aggazl5aW5NITgv-RD17T7BxXShzZ0tBb0pgWoTo6VBk94lYHqTu30-rctK0ROLH711B/s320/Howling7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Reviewed By: Billy</span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When it comes to horror franchises, my brother JM and I are usually on the same page as to which installments are the best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friday the 13<sup>th</sup>?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Part 6</i> (also known in these parts as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Takes The Family Channel)</i> hands down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Halloween?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again…easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget anything starring Jamie Lee Curtis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2</i> is the clear winner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">But get down to the<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Howling</i> series (which, let’s face it, is stretching the definition of a cohesive “franchise” as it is) and we’ve got a big problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>JM, as you can all probably guess, loves <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Howling%20II%3A%20Your%20Sister%20Is%20a%20Werewolf%20%281985%29">this one</a>…and how can we blame him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any movie that randomly builds a final credit sequence around Sybil Danning taking her top off is, by default, brilliant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But personally, I prefer the quiet elegance of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howling V: The Rebirth.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And by quiet elegance, I mean a movie so cheap that the closest look we get at a werewolf comes with this silhouette, which appears to be an actor draped in my great-grandmother’s furry bathroom rug:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr2pLC_l-OJkaGRLCWHYmb6-BwBUrmZAAX-oRlzVzrzip1IWJ7evsHGr8CQ4xC3nwZeAq5KuxeqaQumLrIPejqtXSk4AvemF7NuLkFEhXXGySiwC39L9Jkc65BXZcmJKhBFHyLaBDZSMHr/s1600/Howling4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr2pLC_l-OJkaGRLCWHYmb6-BwBUrmZAAX-oRlzVzrzip1IWJ7evsHGr8CQ4xC3nwZeAq5KuxeqaQumLrIPejqtXSk4AvemF7NuLkFEhXXGySiwC39L9Jkc65BXZcmJKhBFHyLaBDZSMHr/s320/Howling4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">As you probably know, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howling</i> series has suffered through more re-inventions than Madonna’s career – and if <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Howling%20II%3A%20Your%20Sister%20Is%20a%20Werewolf%20%281985%29">Your Sister Is A Werewolf</a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>is the equivalent of Madonna going off the deep end and making that sex coffee table book, then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Rebirth</i> is when Madonna suddenly became British and started saying words like “bullocks” and “full-stop.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, this movie takes a page from one of the greatest mystery books of all time, Agatha Christie’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And Then There Were None.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, hell, it takes more than a page…it takes the whole plot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A group of people gather together at an old house, only to die off one by one…killed at the hands of a…ahem…. “werewolf”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(man in furry bathroom rug). </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The victims here are so generic that you’ll spend most of the movie trying to remember which one is which.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, is it just me…or does this actress seem to show up in every werewolf movie from the 80s?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgobp4He9Z0LYS4uq0Hcf9-PY7mjesoxJiqsA1PWMmOihUmlpkm1aYnQLy8AhkxvDZNkrjS9FnCcVIMq5v2TX0KlGnSYYT9O3BIUVa2Jwfot016yL0NjNL8RwExfoz4PXnafnm160DX7hRJ/s1600/Howling1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgobp4He9Z0LYS4uq0Hcf9-PY7mjesoxJiqsA1PWMmOihUmlpkm1aYnQLy8AhkxvDZNkrjS9FnCcVIMq5v2TX0KlGnSYYT9O3BIUVa2Jwfot016yL0NjNL8RwExfoz4PXnafnm160DX7hRJ/s320/Howling1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The other notable character here is the young heroine who inexplicably survives the movie (though almost none of the proceeding 100 minutes has focused on her).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She does give us a nude-from-the-back scene (sorry, straight guys, that’s about all you get)…but is most memorable in that she looks/acts so much like Linnea Quigley that you wonder why filmmakers just didn’t get Linnea for the role:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdCiL-tj8-Fd_cZpg2q0HEMYo5fbQKgWIqoORRQmYPWDE5FNFS7wb8ORdxTdRhRJ-jL5znTpMQzkedvoEKtQfn1cUPIZQtRzyGF0DGoTXR1D2blq3JHmT8LP2VtSYKNL6k_B2_Tapj6sOT/s1600/Howling2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdCiL-tj8-Fd_cZpg2q0HEMYo5fbQKgWIqoORRQmYPWDE5FNFS7wb8ORdxTdRhRJ-jL5znTpMQzkedvoEKtQfn1cUPIZQtRzyGF0DGoTXR1D2blq3JHmT8LP2VtSYKNL6k_B2_Tapj6sOT/s320/Howling2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In another bizarre piece of evidence that I create the world, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howling V </i>manages to also use a little bit of the plot of the classic Parker Brothers Clue VCR Game in their script…namely a subplot involving an oddly-shaped birthmark that runs in the family (in this case a triangle in the crook of the elbow that looks more like an infected track mark). Sidenote<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">...i</span>n case you’ve never heard of said game…I order you to go to Ebay NOW and start bidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clue VCR was a wonderful, short-lived 80s phenomenon in which players would view scenes from a shot-on-camcorder, live action play featuring Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard, and the rest of the gang, and then play a card game based on the clues given in the video.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though it boasts the production values of a pre-school talent show and acting worthy of the most half-assed Indiana community theatre production, I was – and still am – completely obsessed with Clue VCR…thus owning 3 copies of it and watching the videos at least once a month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikBHKlR9kCBo-lHwiPigac4M2rYDxqVi_qEHUrMh5WTtrm3N0Cit4VQ-XmfyyE1wo9wdcqtfalpbaV0-I4zy7i_rgC7jKYkUuufNUsx7UnpFZ1SrXCWBJmpecKkn-zySOx3Ter061qs4Ly/s1600/Howling6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikBHKlR9kCBo-lHwiPigac4M2rYDxqVi_qEHUrMh5WTtrm3N0Cit4VQ-XmfyyE1wo9wdcqtfalpbaV0-I4zy7i_rgC7jKYkUuufNUsx7UnpFZ1SrXCWBJmpecKkn-zySOx3Ter061qs4Ly/s320/Howling6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Oh, and speaking of pre-school production values…did I mention that the exterior shots of the remote castle in the snow in this movie are…umm…animated? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFJdtd2ux_-AnJNgESaq1RiowemsodvvJIHDGdp_PqQs_DnIoSWlCdOsYNOhem50OipGb3v4yonGmDcx74vzwdjbn2y88Uox9t94TWhtCn1QEjRUUvk3t_YjsWLEK0fYqnkYVmiVsmPFFe/s1600/Howling5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFJdtd2ux_-AnJNgESaq1RiowemsodvvJIHDGdp_PqQs_DnIoSWlCdOsYNOhem50OipGb3v4yonGmDcx74vzwdjbn2y88Uox9t94TWhtCn1QEjRUUvk3t_YjsWLEK0fYqnkYVmiVsmPFFe/s320/Howling5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Anyway, I love this movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>JM and I have really never given the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howling</i> series any credit though, when you think about it, it’s really made for Tower Farm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What began as a semi-respected werewolf movie starring Dee Wallace Stone quickly crumbled into a succession of increasingly stupid straight-to-video installments featuring plots including kangaroo-werewolf hybrids, ancient Budapest-ian family curses, circus sideshows, and…of course…Stirba the Werewolf Queen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps only the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hellraiser</i> movies rival the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howlings</i> in the courage of taking a well-liked original and completely screwing up any hope for a respectable legacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just for being part of that, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Howling V</i> easily rates…</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!</div></span></span>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-2032081026171559142010-10-03T19:59:00.000-07:002010-10-03T19:59:32.402-07:00Slumber Party Massacre (1982)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqVLzp4yQCnXoEZ6rXCMtKrmNuMjKGd4iMJF1C2v9msfSnWiWvfFjmL37WIDvrYZn2ysC_rTJopMZpw-EtQmUpuZZlBSgcVWlmc_s4LLeGZ7qz7SyfCReKIuHU9cK0k26IiHDwpJHJFExe/s1600/awesome+shit.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqVLzp4yQCnXoEZ6rXCMtKrmNuMjKGd4iMJF1C2v9msfSnWiWvfFjmL37WIDvrYZn2ysC_rTJopMZpw-EtQmUpuZZlBSgcVWlmc_s4LLeGZ7qz7SyfCReKIuHU9cK0k26IiHDwpJHJFExe/s320/awesome+shit.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
by JM<br />
<br />
I’m not going to lie to you. I have been having a hard time lately getting really excited about writing a review. My stack of movies has been collecting dust for about a month. Recently, I wrote an entire review for the (great) movie<i> Infestation</i>, read it, and deleted it. The write up was a total piece of crap.<br />
<br />
Well, today the excitement returned as<i> The Slumber Party Collection</i> arrived in the mail (along with a collectable bloody pillowcase—no kidding). <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBloqOiDj-B-pkIAsqNeXKXvMo2y0tZggB6dUhbDvui_Edh6XwwsIA4Jx3qBAEIvxfAXETaZIumFyCd1Utke2z-2zhkHGfFqyklIhOdaUtDjIYnHGaiVmxaAyLZWlUvVPDlw0syVwt_h5/s1600/pizzaman.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBloqOiDj-B-pkIAsqNeXKXvMo2y0tZggB6dUhbDvui_Edh6XwwsIA4Jx3qBAEIvxfAXETaZIumFyCd1Utke2z-2zhkHGfFqyklIhOdaUtDjIYnHGaiVmxaAyLZWlUvVPDlw0syVwt_h5/s320/pizzaman.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I have been a HUGE fan of these movies since before I was a teenager. I can still clearly remember looking at the VHS covers to these movies at Marsh Supermarket while waiting for my Mom to finish her grocery shopping. I would ogle the scantily clad women on the covers like… well, like a young sex offender to be perfectly honest. In a world before the internet, this was about a titillating as things got for a twerpy kid in Muncie, IN.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirm6iqh4e8AqiRZeTwyBsxFZlhjUSUne0FrHAI8yeATOD5BiL0KnbdePdv1p9dfmnn9DjyOiXa-GCGUcF7SHpt5hZwIcd9f128Wi4WM46z5tJJnKDvwJrPJWY6IC9XDQ4j-7gYDbyB0pDg/s1600/sp%5Bm.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirm6iqh4e8AqiRZeTwyBsxFZlhjUSUne0FrHAI8yeATOD5BiL0KnbdePdv1p9dfmnn9DjyOiXa-GCGUcF7SHpt5hZwIcd9f128Wi4WM46z5tJJnKDvwJrPJWY6IC9XDQ4j-7gYDbyB0pDg/s320/sp%5Bm.JPG" width="250" /></a></div><br />
When I finally was old enough to start renting these films, they actually lived up to my steep expectations. Nothing about these movies has ever let me down.<br />
<br />
It all kicked off in 1982, with the release of <i>The Slumber Party Massacre</i>. Penned by feminist author Rita Mae Brown (who Billy briefly met this year… and FAILED to ask her about this movie!), this is a movie for women and about female empowerment.<br />
<br />
Okay, that is not 100% accurate. It is about a serial killer that uses a drill to kill his victims and the group of teen girls that he is stalking. And I gotta say, it is a rare and brave movie that casts a middle-aged guy as the killer. But, it works.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3pAnJdl7T71SDewmxX0XceSI1kuKme-SG5n6PgCLhbFHFIaaFVf6kVRYEQIHTk8PMpD05HhcdeHPY1y-gL3d__Wn73-HDM5Axri8YM9SoBzp4mpnyx5YBcXadDEOFiD-g9P9hQsviYam/s1600/drillerkiller.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3pAnJdl7T71SDewmxX0XceSI1kuKme-SG5n6PgCLhbFHFIaaFVf6kVRYEQIHTk8PMpD05HhcdeHPY1y-gL3d__Wn73-HDM5Axri8YM9SoBzp4mpnyx5YBcXadDEOFiD-g9P9hQsviYam/s1600/drillerkiller.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
The movie opens with remarkable subtlety and restraint as a teenager tosses out some garbage outside of her home as her parents hurriedly rush off to catch a flight. As the girl walks off toward school, a creepy male hand is shown reaching into the garbage can and pulling out a Barbie doll.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1MPPzE4amYsQtqxizyJc1NRexPT_Pah2fQWeiX7qj_wH-lYN5jb30QdCbAmINYa0aaOhBrDYUlc-HI8kcDseUNkADsv9HNIAWOgGk57drJKSN5QHnGeEf3Rc835NtvNoCjQ_N6O5TXYnl/s1600/barbie.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1MPPzE4amYsQtqxizyJc1NRexPT_Pah2fQWeiX7qj_wH-lYN5jb30QdCbAmINYa0aaOhBrDYUlc-HI8kcDseUNkADsv9HNIAWOgGk57drJKSN5QHnGeEf3Rc835NtvNoCjQ_N6O5TXYnl/s320/barbie.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Oh, yeah… the same girl was shown topless about 3 seconds into the movie. Like I said, subtlety and restraint.<br />
<br />
Now, if there was ever any debate as to what year this was filmed, the following photo should put any doubt to rest:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDDd6wb66-LsWN72ddN_pyy0fGx7LCAocFatZ3Jnbc5k6rBpPBg_6N5BxbtOzFUTjDeBP0XNcZ-EV5gYMwQmDdw8nkMleYfqK9lVH7X0sk246ziwwov6YZ8za7S86yniZu6Gl1DS8icAiq/s1600/dorks.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDDd6wb66-LsWN72ddN_pyy0fGx7LCAocFatZ3Jnbc5k6rBpPBg_6N5BxbtOzFUTjDeBP0XNcZ-EV5gYMwQmDdw8nkMleYfqK9lVH7X0sk246ziwwov6YZ8za7S86yniZu6Gl1DS8icAiq/s320/dorks.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Could these two guys be any more “period”? I mean, give me a break! Those guys look like extras in a deleted scene from <i>Hot Tub Time Machine</i>, right?!<br />
<br />
<i>Slumber Party Massacre</i> has it all. There is gore, blood, and even a <i>Carrie</i>-esque girls locker room scene that is all boobs and butts.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9hRZPWw_zae9VZEpjpB-iWl7fyzqZRpgxT9StzfBZgbiJ5cpMeSikE8dAUWcDvEAY8l5TZi9kQ_kDHg1lNca6uIBPFlMThGVBmXxg6WUJtq6iuwfH7tTy40QqooFYO9xHQ-GmwtQTocUd/s1600/carriesque.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9hRZPWw_zae9VZEpjpB-iWl7fyzqZRpgxT9StzfBZgbiJ5cpMeSikE8dAUWcDvEAY8l5TZi9kQ_kDHg1lNca6uIBPFlMThGVBmXxg6WUJtq6iuwfH7tTy40QqooFYO9xHQ-GmwtQTocUd/s320/carriesque.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Also, the movie is also notable to being the first credited screen role for scream queen Brinke Stevens (crickets around the world start chirping). Given that I know her best from her roles in <i>Demon Lust</i>, <i>Delta Delta Die</i>, and <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/2009/04/cheerleader-massacre-2003.html"><i>Cheerleader Massacre</i></a>, it was kind of jarring to see her looking so attractive and... not so... worn out.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwQYVgNyeH3-9brXEbmEf5LE6qygHdQZJwG6N0s2vxcH7QTvZ8AvEb7ut5mNHrurlRuVoQQlnBiMJMBMwDoZhkivr8zBg6xIFbY96qtOijk9ncwpod4ggNxU3Xe0uW3aERDvF3yM59CvXF/s1600/brinke+stevens.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwQYVgNyeH3-9brXEbmEf5LE6qygHdQZJwG6N0s2vxcH7QTvZ8AvEb7ut5mNHrurlRuVoQQlnBiMJMBMwDoZhkivr8zBg6xIFbY96qtOijk9ncwpod4ggNxU3Xe0uW3aERDvF3yM59CvXF/s320/brinke+stevens.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
When one considers the great trilogies, I am sure that franchises like <i>The Godfather</i>, <i>Star Wars</i>, or <i>Lord of the Rings</i> come to mind. Well, bullshit. Those movies are boring. The <i>Slumber Party Massacre</i> movies are the greatest trilogy ever produced. I can’t wait to rewatch the next two installments!<br />
<br />
5 fingers!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlmUpGdz6S8shSoZbwZisUieTLcq_XkHI8h9JILvr5zf9ju8ExRCK4AcU-frVlslAJIOZz_A_Dn69ahVRbAdhFCX2cCfOmT1Uwx9HSjpXeHZpxkvPEfEg0IhxmK2e2FUy7asdqDZhYehw4/s1600/dead.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlmUpGdz6S8shSoZbwZisUieTLcq_XkHI8h9JILvr5zf9ju8ExRCK4AcU-frVlslAJIOZz_A_Dn69ahVRbAdhFCX2cCfOmT1Uwx9HSjpXeHZpxkvPEfEg0IhxmK2e2FUy7asdqDZhYehw4/s320/dead.JPG" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqVLzp4yQCnXoEZ6rXCMtKrmNuMjKGd4iMJF1C2v9msfSnWiWvfFjmL37WIDvrYZn2ysC_rTJopMZpw-EtQmUpuZZlBSgcVWlmc_s4LLeGZ7qz7SyfCReKIuHU9cK0k26IiHDwpJHJFExe/s1600/awesome+shit.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Now, on to a different note: Billy and I will be attending <a href="http://www.spookyempire.com/">Screamfest</a> in Orlando, FL again this year. With guests like Robert Englund, John Carpenter, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon, Linea Quigley, Elvira, Gary Busey, and (are you sitting?) Lita Ford (?!?!?!?!?!), this is sure to be the best one yet. Let us know if you will be there!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-61518527535775815292010-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:002010-09-24T12:25:58.453-07:00Do You Wanna Know A Secret (2001)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjyNP9DPECsiGWZPSGe-qY_eAchJqb0iCL5VdBTrRHXFc0JIL2xQ2AZ5A2R9pBSK_Fcn_hU3QT1vD_0FSgdQ3TfNVOYrKbl-FzxgaEWYY5LLXaDZC1uKrsZciQwDOeN5QKlJ41_3JWX5lH/s1600/secret5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjyNP9DPECsiGWZPSGe-qY_eAchJqb0iCL5VdBTrRHXFc0JIL2xQ2AZ5A2R9pBSK_Fcn_hU3QT1vD_0FSgdQ3TfNVOYrKbl-FzxgaEWYY5LLXaDZC1uKrsZciQwDOeN5QKlJ41_3JWX5lH/s320/secret5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br />
<br />
There comes a point in every horror fan's life that is unavoidable: you're walking through your local DVD store, scanning the shelves, and suddenly realize you've seen every single slasher out there. At first you try to shrug it off, sure that you'll find something you don't already own. You glance over the dozens of copies of <em>Saw</em> and <em>Final Destination</em>, hoping that something new is accidentally sandwiched in between. Then you start looking over the <em>Friday the 13th</em> and <em>Elm Street</em> movies, thinking that maybe there's a re-release with some added footage or something. Next you move on to the <em>Urban Legend</em> and <em>I Know What You Did Last Summer</em> series, hoping beyond hope that another straight-to-DVD sequel has come out. <br />
<br />
Nothing. Nada. The sweat starts beading up on your brow. Your heart starts thumping. Is this it? Have you really reached the end of the horror movie section...and there's absolutely nothing new? You pick up a copy of <em>When A Stranger Calls</em> -- the remake, of course, which you already own -- and wonder if you should just buy it again, so you at least have something to take home. You put it down, realizing that's stupid. Jesus...what's wrong with us?<br />
<br />
It's desperation like this that lead me to actually purchase <em>Do You Wanna Know A Secret</em> one sad afternoon at a MovieStop. I'd looked over the box thousands of times, snickering at its cheap imitation of <em>Scream</em>'s cover design and the fact that the top-billed stars were Joey Lawrence and Chad Allen. I always felt so superior, knowing that even the $3.99 price tag was too high considering there was something better right around the corner.<br />
<br />
And then, that day...nothing better was around the corner anymore.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-mOHRGo2D0zF_RPn-FCbeATk5pozIYFRa9DyhbkoVDy97_Yvw0-KMEOV1LWSz_d5q4F_AM57k_ROTa86WUKfpSSf6kb_6qcytdSdfJbUhHUyjA4gq0rOuid7xew4wvt6pvK7o3mPUkxpz/s1600/secret8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-mOHRGo2D0zF_RPn-FCbeATk5pozIYFRa9DyhbkoVDy97_Yvw0-KMEOV1LWSz_d5q4F_AM57k_ROTa86WUKfpSSf6kb_6qcytdSdfJbUhHUyjA4gq0rOuid7xew4wvt6pvK7o3mPUkxpz/s320/secret8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Well, I'm happy to report that my shame at having bought the movie quickly turned to jubilation when I realized that it was exactly I needed. It is <em>I Know What You Did Last Summer</em> made by morons. Which, let's face it, was already a moronic movie to begin with. So this one is double stupid. Which pretty much describes Tower Farm.<br />
<br />
So, <em>Do You Wanna Know A Secret</em> revolves around a group of college friends on Spring Break in Florida. Among this group of losers is Joey Lawrence, whose main goal as an actor here seems to be wearing the tightest shirts possible. This movie showcases Joey in his post-"Blossom" but pre-Lex Luthor phase, which alone ranks it as an interesting historical artifact. I personally am a big fan of this Joey, as he doesn't quite have the look of a plastic action figure yet (although his lips are so glossy they appear to be laminated):<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYeLuapcK3LSR-8np6egc9WJlwqG8R5-qNQMIUoFiu1r9lJpXoAwATSSjTM8TS6zuQ2r5XdNaL70kedUjsqIhrCTKvlqagVSI5xUIsRGNWG4FJ_f849NOFFZmOyCArjnW9Bdfb73tmwkXJ/s1600/secret1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYeLuapcK3LSR-8np6egc9WJlwqG8R5-qNQMIUoFiu1r9lJpXoAwATSSjTM8TS6zuQ2r5XdNaL70kedUjsqIhrCTKvlqagVSI5xUIsRGNWG4FJ_f849NOFFZmOyCArjnW9Bdfb73tmwkXJ/s320/secret1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Chad Allen plays a character who is...well...completely ill-defined and dies off early. I was kind of hoping that this movie would take a cue from "St. Elsewhere" -- the TV series which ended with an insane final episode that revealed the entire series had taken place in the head of the autistic character played by Chad. Sadly, that didn't happen. Anyway, all the other "college kids" here are totally generic and not worthy of mention. For example, lead girl Dorie Barton seems cast solely based on the fact that she looks and speaks exactly like Reese Witherspoon:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_IFbnqg4jOtSSZnYx082vn5AQ1I2ICbbdcWQBAzV0MKgVCmzYn2NuUEcy8hYKTfqBuOyeHmwu8w4izh3KTREUNNkzgIcj0f9pe2tBKsZBg-m8LjNcWr0ImdNB_F7WcCq9FI5zbAR7-uF/s1600/secret2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_IFbnqg4jOtSSZnYx082vn5AQ1I2ICbbdcWQBAzV0MKgVCmzYn2NuUEcy8hYKTfqBuOyeHmwu8w4izh3KTREUNNkzgIcj0f9pe2tBKsZBg-m8LjNcWr0ImdNB_F7WcCq9FI5zbAR7-uF/s320/secret2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The most notable bit of casting here is the addition of Jeff Conaway as an FBI agent. Being that the only other time I've recently seen Conaway it's been on shows like VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club" and "Celebrity Rehab" -- which revealed him to be a drug-addled mess -- it's kind of nice to see him speaking clearly and at least appearing lucid. That said, the startlingly loose grip with which he holds his gun doesn't say much for his immersion into the character:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYKz28cFUbV4ebYnmmV4Q2Xqx_EyzOXfdQG-UlrqmS-3gfcaecP2w7FiUnHC7A6kJB5XAsW6oulRXmTtmMypicfyzuDTuPbEAoAerIsOi7593HnIMIn8kzqNMyUX7flKMfxwHU82QMWfpw/s1600/secret3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYKz28cFUbV4ebYnmmV4Q2Xqx_EyzOXfdQG-UlrqmS-3gfcaecP2w7FiUnHC7A6kJB5XAsW6oulRXmTtmMypicfyzuDTuPbEAoAerIsOi7593HnIMIn8kzqNMyUX7flKMfxwHU82QMWfpw/s320/secret3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Being that nothing happens for a good forty minutes of running time, here's another great shot of filmmakers hoping to confuse audiences into thinking Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon is in their movie:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlvKJWhdO2voh5Vxa7Yxa0QubWXq30_HuaDeBBGyuCoD2BMg2Fkz8JBFcyrsW3EtHyQeWbceUbEbtgMLEUJUo1JmhAG34nR6mptEU0ezsxxuasqaUGa6g6aC6r5Y8xVVHQQQJPp5a1yuKo/s1600/secret6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlvKJWhdO2voh5Vxa7Yxa0QubWXq30_HuaDeBBGyuCoD2BMg2Fkz8JBFcyrsW3EtHyQeWbceUbEbtgMLEUJUo1JmhAG34nR6mptEU0ezsxxuasqaUGa6g6aC6r5Y8xVVHQQQJPp5a1yuKo/s320/secret6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Anyway, even after discovering that their buddy Chad has been killed (by someone who left behind a note reading "Do You Wanna Know A Secret?") -- the gang decides to stay in town, enjoying the hot tub, pool, and making mixed drinks in the blender. This also continues after another kid from their college is killed, with the same ridiculous words carved into his body (which seems like a lot of work for the killer, by the way -- couldn't he have just carved in "secret" or something? Or maybe an abbreviation -- "DYWKAS"?). Personally, I think it's great that these kids can keep partying in the midst of so much death.<br />
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However, all good parties must come to an end...and finally the rest of the kids start getting butchered. I think. Because none of the deaths actually happen on camera, I guess I can't be sure that they're dying. But I think the pools of blood around the bodies indicate murder. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6Gs0b4J9IikehebXuHwT-EYaogUTc-1X6uDlksvHOwR1VEkK_lJkBeVQfM9cYEoTtDmv17cGqqHycWw4dK3OjC3BWzjHqlE-2LxXu8sjHr5zn8NwV7HDMEZoPH-ihNQnhDfcYiGzAJIi/s1600/secret4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6Gs0b4J9IikehebXuHwT-EYaogUTc-1X6uDlksvHOwR1VEkK_lJkBeVQfM9cYEoTtDmv17cGqqHycWw4dK3OjC3BWzjHqlE-2LxXu8sjHr5zn8NwV7HDMEZoPH-ihNQnhDfcYiGzAJIi/s320/secret4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>In an act of complete stupidity, the lead girl follows the killer out to the middle of the Everglades, making absolutely no attempt to conceal her car as she pulls up closely behind him in a large clearing. I won't even attempt to explain what happens at the climax, except to say that it bring us to this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7AhXfZjHzyUiwZ5HBQE9NZcL-9PqEFBzweaXqA5WYQbwtRrNUXLrBykFsvVAJvsU2vCYc_cRmGXDfn5I8b8ymPedvucfg2Rn-Uquq_KndZWxY08szdXjEvOJu9qCr1bPFUXxGWG5f5kCH/s1600/secret7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7AhXfZjHzyUiwZ5HBQE9NZcL-9PqEFBzweaXqA5WYQbwtRrNUXLrBykFsvVAJvsU2vCYc_cRmGXDfn5I8b8ymPedvucfg2Rn-Uquq_KndZWxY08szdXjEvOJu9qCr1bPFUXxGWG5f5kCH/s320/secret7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Oh, and Chad Allen turns out to be the killer.<br />
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So, yeah, this movie is totally stupid. It was, however, more than worth the $3.99 I finally paid for it, and has given me hope for the next time I visit MovieStop and wander the aisles in panic, afraid that I have nothing left to live for. Because, dammit, there <em>is</em> still something to live for! Joey Lawrence proved that once. <em>Leslie Vernon</em>...could you be next?<br />
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THREE FINGERSTower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-11130648504093516642010-09-19T04:20:00.000-07:002010-09-19T04:20:22.357-07:00The Black Dahlia (2006)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWbS-ZETfV3FIpzU4-NyS0W1qskJ8zeMdIjQU4Nqdb6dCF7mNN7WthjoGaEPepzrI1mcQpSdVbx5VXyYQJG8g6RVj5tmKKF2Pr4bP4hyGCWlu8oiuXUTPFQtuU9kya7V2zDytGYv92QI_8/s1600/dahlia1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWbS-ZETfV3FIpzU4-NyS0W1qskJ8zeMdIjQU4Nqdb6dCF7mNN7WthjoGaEPepzrI1mcQpSdVbx5VXyYQJG8g6RVj5tmKKF2Pr4bP4hyGCWlu8oiuXUTPFQtuU9kya7V2zDytGYv92QI_8/s320/dahlia1.png" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br />
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2006's big-screen disasterpiece <i>The Black Dahlia</i> is my favorite Dario Argento movie ever.<br />
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Oh, sure, I know the movie is credited to Brian De Palma. But who are they kidding? We've got a convoluted and completely implausible plot strung together by unnecessary camera tricks, performances that range from brain-dead to mind-blowingly histrionic, Eurotrashy dialogue (including: "I think you'd rather f*ck me than kill me...but you don't have the guts to do either!"), and an ending so abrupt that one wonders if a studio exec finally just decided to pull the funding and call it quits. Oh...and did I mention the crazy old hag character with too much eyeliner that's introduced early in the movie and then turns out to be important in the end? Hello...am I talking about <i>The Black Dahlia</i> or <i>Deep Red?</i><br />
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Anyway, this movie is based on the book by James Ellroy, which in turn is based on the actual Black Dahlia murder case from 1940s Los Angeles. The facts of the unsolved crime are extremely creepy and it's the kind of story screaming out for a great, chilling movie adaptation. <br />
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Someday I hope that happens.<br />
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For now, we'll make do with this faux-Italian comedy of errors, which stars the blandest pair of leading men this side of the <i>Miami Vice</i> movie and two female leads who are so miscast that it's almost painful to watch them. And by painful, I mean my stomach was in knots from the constant fits of laughter.<br />
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The men are Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart, playing police partners who become obsessed with the murder of a young actress nicknamed the Black Dahlia. Eckart in particular goes off the deep end, acting less like a haunted investigator than like a really mean drunk who's just been refused another shot by the bartender. Why exactly Aaron becomes such an a-hole and so devoted to the dead girl is never explained nor explored, leaving us with a really pissy rageaholic who just seems like a big baby. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL2vyzqoGV49eanA6PhOqJXF5EXFDGZYltMc0TIkBFkKPnkvg-VSACOB2c5sIkmVli83GBJMmhD90m31mqILiJM3ujjD_dCpAHg_V4N-VZxkYxunNSEvmsE_8yGhPIzrXnMCHZaLsX6vdn/s1600/dahlia2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="204" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL2vyzqoGV49eanA6PhOqJXF5EXFDGZYltMc0TIkBFkKPnkvg-VSACOB2c5sIkmVli83GBJMmhD90m31mqILiJM3ujjD_dCpAHg_V4N-VZxkYxunNSEvmsE_8yGhPIzrXnMCHZaLsX6vdn/s320/dahlia2.png" width="320" /></a></div>Hartnett, on the other hand, is just adorable in his role as a jaded, embittered cop. Looking like a 12-year-old on "bring your son to work day," Josh tries hard to adopt the tough-guy indifference of a Bogart or a Ladd. He doesn't do a <i>bad</i> job...unfortunately, in the period costumes and contantly smoking, he just comes across like a bored and confused kid...like his dad brought him along to work and then left him in the waiting room all day (kind of like our dad, Ralph, did to JM and me...which explains why we are basically bored and confused adults).<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoMfDRhHlRsoMX_-MaHzbbsxhiVeR4-vZQjmPpiLlHsMCXYiAOavT79c6O_GdBQ3XsgH6FdBhnI7ji65UCMhLKk1Cnwqln-BElpqccbJ_3VfEOG49CbZXnYYxMHuhwSXqUj0FITkc53OfB/s1600/dahlia5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoMfDRhHlRsoMX_-MaHzbbsxhiVeR4-vZQjmPpiLlHsMCXYiAOavT79c6O_GdBQ3XsgH6FdBhnI7ji65UCMhLKk1Cnwqln-BElpqccbJ_3VfEOG49CbZXnYYxMHuhwSXqUj0FITkc53OfB/s320/dahlia5.png" width="320" /></a></div>But where <i>The Black Dahlia </i>really scores is with its actresses. Scarlett Johannsson is the top-billed lady here, although her role amounts to a couple of scenes as the woman who comes between the two cops. I'm actually not really sure why this character was included at all, as she doesn't really do anything of importance regarding the story. My guess is that someone decided since Scarlett Johannsson is always trying really hard to look like she's a 1940s actress, they should just go ahead and put her in the film.<br />
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Rose McGowan makes a welcome appearance here, in a one-scene role where she speaks as if she's rehearsing a scene from "Charmed" (i.e. not even attempting to sound period-appropriate). Fiona Shaw plays the crazy old lady in a performance that is so over-the-top that she may as well be on Mars. I imagine everyone was just too afraid of this woman to tell her to bring it down a few notches, resulting in a performance that is so crazily Italian you'll be amazed that a) it's not dubbed, and b) it's not Piper Laurie.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinPjipfd1ywDaJoNBVuvIAc-93X-1B67xtfdzuJCzVcqqGmpsoHi_0KzXyq8wVES1TVDZgxeu5-s8FSVI6ZDVsMFsePiXrnpp7pmCSoOqFkesfNED4HhK37t_EoYI36woHIyGH8eYZQmtF/s1600/dahlia3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="201" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinPjipfd1ywDaJoNBVuvIAc-93X-1B67xtfdzuJCzVcqqGmpsoHi_0KzXyq8wVES1TVDZgxeu5-s8FSVI6ZDVsMFsePiXrnpp7pmCSoOqFkesfNED4HhK37t_EoYI36woHIyGH8eYZQmtF/s320/dahlia3.png" width="320" /></a></div>But true top honors here go to Hilary Swank, she of the two Oscars, who turns in a performance that will absolutely win her a Farmy Award as Best Actress Impersonating Katherine Hepburn And James Corburn At The Same Time. (I have no idea what that means, but it's making me laugh right now, so I'm leaving it). Basically, she looks totally weird, speaks totally weird, and kicks this little film up to a new level of stupid. Here's the thing...Hilary Swank may be a great actress, but she's been cast in the sexpot role here. She's the all-out femme fatale who's supposed to entangle men in her web of sex and mystery. And...well...she's not a sexpot. Here, she's more like a gawky teen boy who's just rented the "sexy Elvira" costume for Halloween:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif9ZDxCJnphtlIT3EaDj9HsqkdoB2XPflZk-OjEASwxmAo3CJeq8k9QbtwfDgNKFBzxRL_QeumTAK41qWgejBBM8XpshV1KW5ze8GmCKCfSvglKaWtnPm-b7T1dvwVS6bEQnRVA3nzoHDA/s1600/dahlia4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif9ZDxCJnphtlIT3EaDj9HsqkdoB2XPflZk-OjEASwxmAo3CJeq8k9QbtwfDgNKFBzxRL_QeumTAK41qWgejBBM8XpshV1KW5ze8GmCKCfSvglKaWtnPm-b7T1dvwVS6bEQnRVA3nzoHDA/s320/dahlia4.png" width="320" /></a></div>Look, I have no idea how nobody put a stop to this mess before it was released. Surely at some point somebody looked around, shook their head, and muttered: "This can't end well." Thankfully, that person kept his or her mouth shut, <i>The Black Dahlia</i> hit theatres, and now we can enjoy insanity again and again. Rarely has an American film channeled Eurotrash so effortlessly (well...except for <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/I%20Know%20Who%20Killed%20Me%20%282007%29">this</a> all-time American Eurotrash classic), and that alone merits it...<br />
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THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-74612515490307516342010-09-12T07:59:00.000-07:002010-09-12T08:01:42.296-07:00Crimes Of Passion (1984)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDQPZdbT8j4xvj0xhCMe1yWc_LAmNQe3AYesmZiZT5MLXsh89IYD-WFv-_5qD-2Qr-CRPwT5PVNq1s2bmnxAesmzjzl3tnaaIZA1BFABpuzmM4xFiO0FprvisKB0LjaCgyUXKyCm50I-p-/s1600/Crimes4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDQPZdbT8j4xvj0xhCMe1yWc_LAmNQe3AYesmZiZT5MLXsh89IYD-WFv-_5qD-2Qr-CRPwT5PVNq1s2bmnxAesmzjzl3tnaaIZA1BFABpuzmM4xFiO0FprvisKB0LjaCgyUXKyCm50I-p-/s320/Crimes4.png" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br />
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Can I just say...we LOVE our followers/commenters. Really, we do. Because of you, we often discover treasure troves of sleaze that otherwise would have collected dust on the shelf of our local video store, crying out to be rented and trashed. For example, our friend and <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Psychotropica%20%282009%29">filmmaker</a> Static_OmegaFPL recently left this comment on our review of <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/2010/09/psycho-iii-1986.html">Psycho III</a>:<br />
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"And, it seems to me Perkins was channeling Ken Russell in this movie, as a director. He had just starred in <em>Crimes Of Passion</em> (which I'd LOVE to see you lay into as well)."<br />
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Well, Damien...thanks to you, I've just finished watching the movie that puts the "gross" in "engrossing." Seriously. How skeevy is <em>Crimes Of Passion? </em>Try this line of dialogue on for size: "If you think you're gonna get back in my panties, forget it. There's one asshole in there already."<br />
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Blecccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh...<br />
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Anyway, <em>Crimes </em>stars one of our favorite "ladies-of-the-80s" -- Kathleen Turner, a LONG way from Cartagena -- in the ultra-realistic role of a successful fashion designer who moonlights as a hooker named China Blue. Actually, upon writing this, I'm watching an episode of "Project Runway" where several desigers seem to be prostituting themselves for a shot at fame on reality TV...so maybe Kathleen was just ahead of her time. No matter...why exactly this character leads a double life is never really explained...but it does give her the chance to overact in a Blondie wig and attempt to say lines like this one with an ounce of dignity: "Although we may run out of Pan Am coffee, we will never run out of TWA tea." <br />
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In case you missed the meaning...just say the last 2 words out loud again.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPW9sPxKkv1tjiIG-ISHORRwV93sVCdJXn0l0VVFjbOZ3xt1XkC6G83__uNWKx7JVsXJtLbhWdw7pY9gOWu1q9joM6Xr95KWFK0GEg-Z9gvSd69b352ck2GNcKgb43CXXFsPnn0cJKny2/s1600/Crimes1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="188" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPW9sPxKkv1tjiIG-ISHORRwV93sVCdJXn0l0VVFjbOZ3xt1XkC6G83__uNWKx7JVsXJtLbhWdw7pY9gOWu1q9joM6Xr95KWFK0GEg-Z9gvSd69b352ck2GNcKgb43CXXFsPnn0cJKny2/s320/Crimes1.png" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Along the way, our gal China attracts the attention to two men. One is druggy street preacher Peter Shayne, played with a beautiful, understated subtlety by Anthony Perkins.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwWqso47jJZT0Og07UKZaMZRWY2kJxau0Y2z4gZY6NKtZQM5Ij6c8IMT_9pqgJoVYsHfH_Egh4oK1MLn6Dw7pyQxXm8_2TT_oKQhGrCz3P9_Kq8J9GEldoqp-zyMB78pK60wccvrBq0Phu/s1600/Crimes2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwWqso47jJZT0Og07UKZaMZRWY2kJxau0Y2z4gZY6NKtZQM5Ij6c8IMT_9pqgJoVYsHfH_Egh4oK1MLn6Dw7pyQxXm8_2TT_oKQhGrCz3P9_Kq8J9GEldoqp-zyMB78pK60wccvrBq0Phu/s320/Crimes2.png" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Gotcha! Actually...Anthony spends the entire movie twitching, screaming, covered in flop sweat, and waving around a nasty looking metal vibrator that he dreams of boffing women to death with. Now, including just one scene with this vibrator-slash-weapon would be classy enough, but thankfully Ken Russell decides to make it a <em>major part of the story...</em>to the point that I was forced to throw away my electric toothbrush last night due to a traumatic reaction to the buzzing sound.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB5aMM86lq6TQbFKBL7kbU_UVeHlRvkeb-MKsAx76NgAOSLO_-sGORoFHnMRRgtDM-tlIc6B5Ekr8-r0P0v0u0GLG_5GDUxoynAjEf6EWVRXtHXAGpUjWBYcvnFwJHyamzA6DMFjnGJ_RS/s1600/Crimes5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB5aMM86lq6TQbFKBL7kbU_UVeHlRvkeb-MKsAx76NgAOSLO_-sGORoFHnMRRgtDM-tlIc6B5Ekr8-r0P0v0u0GLG_5GDUxoynAjEf6EWVRXtHXAGpUjWBYcvnFwJHyamzA6DMFjnGJ_RS/s320/Crimes5.png" width="320" /></a></div>The other man obsessed with China is played by John Laughlin (who looks exactly like swimmer Michael Phelps...who already kind of looks like a brain-dead Gomer Pyle) and is accordingly so completely dull that I'm not sure Laughlin didn't just wander onto the set by accident and end up walking through scenes that were already in progress. One happy side-effect of his presence, though, is the brilliant casting of the character of his sexually frustrated wife. Get ready for it, people...we've got ANNIE-friggin'-POTTS. Yes, <em>Designing Women</em>'s Mary Jo Shively...<strong>in a sex thriller</strong>. These are the casting choices Tower Farm is built on. I prayed and prayed that this meant Meshach Taylor would show up as a trick...but alas, it was just a fantasy:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsshCMYbMavY5sMmHKhQ0BdDAdGp3OALYn_qLogznV3PnTwNy9bQ5lJBBeCZTkUNx8h1JkhfNpffbMxiE2eH19zVsab6UzchhaJYBoPQesOgxf4EPdkPreV2R_dyTO27PFJg-hB5bgCBCv/s1600/Crimes3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsshCMYbMavY5sMmHKhQ0BdDAdGp3OALYn_qLogznV3PnTwNy9bQ5lJBBeCZTkUNx8h1JkhfNpffbMxiE2eH19zVsab6UzchhaJYBoPQesOgxf4EPdkPreV2R_dyTO27PFJg-hB5bgCBCv/s320/Crimes3.png" width="320" /></a></div>Anyway, I'd love to tell you more about the plot...but frankly, there is none. I can tell you that we do get perhaps the most irritating synth-and-sax score since...well...ever. We also get lots of random shots of drawings from the Kama Sutra, which is fun. Oh, and did I mention neon lights? Everywhere? In every scene? <br />
<br />
And in case you don't feel moved to sit through any of that, can I at least recommend the final scene, in which Anthony is finally stabbed to death...with the metal vibrator....while wearing Kathleen's wig and dress...?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfpCzcjswF9DZ59mfCXnTK3EK8H5EW7BJwTGaq-vHcBHsiowCvY3dROJ7G7Wrp1YqLOnMIB3qN4MnPM8-adKevaIpf9DoEkC12J-e8pD3ojEV9oUA0BKVSlWtgHS2TLxYLoteg0dCYViND/s1600/Crimes6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfpCzcjswF9DZ59mfCXnTK3EK8H5EW7BJwTGaq-vHcBHsiowCvY3dROJ7G7Wrp1YqLOnMIB3qN4MnPM8-adKevaIpf9DoEkC12J-e8pD3ojEV9oUA0BKVSlWtgHS2TLxYLoteg0dCYViND/s320/Crimes6.png" width="320" /></a></div>Why this movie was ever made -- let alone with the participation of some respectable people -- must be one of the great mysteries of modern cinema. But thank God it was. This is truly the movie to watch on those lazy days when you don't feel like taking a shower. Trust me...within minutes you'll be standing under scalding hot water trying to wash away the sleaze eminating from your TV. Thankfully for Ken (who also directed <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Gothic%20%281986%29">this</a> icky classic), Kathleen, and company...we LOVE hot showers!<br />
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THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERSTower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-74474891657025990182010-09-06T18:16:00.000-07:002010-09-06T18:16:51.653-07:00Psycho III (1986)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="172" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigo5S1fBCnxhW2wuyttPpN1IcWy0x61jLXO-WbB6_AP3sOGfUWcNXhveBikdefijmBPKhEXtNxvguOqoR7yzjsRn4d1blMeXj3KXSBOFcb6_FJb59Yc3b81yjrTE8l4uanNkFAItTV7Jx4/s320/Psycho6.png" width="320" /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><br />
I recently heard a well-respected film critic say, “If you only see one <i>Psycho</i> movie, see <i>Psycho III</i>.”<br />
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Okay, that’s a lie. It was my brother, JM, who said that.<br />
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But really, he deserves a lot of respect for having the courage to say something so wise and yet to sure-to-be controversial. <i>Psycho III</i> really is the greatest of the series. Well, other than the amazing remake starring the self-pleasuring Vince Vaughn and a walkman. But that’s another review for another day.<br />
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Opening with actress Diana Scarwid screaming, “THERE IS NO GOD” as if she’s been asked to imitate a coyote readying for attack, this masterpiece immediately thrusts the viewer into a world of hammy overacting and annoying camera angles, a world that will make the next hour and a half fly by like years. This opening scene, in which young nun Diana accidentally causes the death of another nun, easily surpasses the original’s “death of Arbogast” as possibly the worst-staged demise in film history, especially when followed by an evil nun gleefully taunting, “You’ll burn in hell for this!” instead of running for help. Man, nuns are mean.<br />
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Anyway, Diana runs away and hitches a ride with a lecherous drifter who kicks her out of his car after she rejects his advances (his farewell, by the way, is my new favorite quote, “You could’ve been comin’ rather than goin’!”). And so, the poor gal ends up walking to the deserted Bates Motel. Just in case we stupid viewers couldn’t figure out that it’s supposed to be deserted, the director lets this tumbleweed the size of an industrial washing machine blow through the frame:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtnROtVfION8TwhdjAzJhxUpgKn6YphP14AqFPWUhDF9ipFxI9vKs-LCAB_8SB4Z7pnFvtSlehlHXzudgoRutlD0UGmDGqaUOhL_ITD9hAF_ylJu95HeVVDsFJtB2ByzdkZWNwfeD5744_/s1600/Psycho1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtnROtVfION8TwhdjAzJhxUpgKn6YphP14AqFPWUhDF9ipFxI9vKs-LCAB_8SB4Z7pnFvtSlehlHXzudgoRutlD0UGmDGqaUOhL_ITD9hAF_ylJu95HeVVDsFJtB2ByzdkZWNwfeD5744_/s320/Psycho1.png" width="320" /></a></div>Let me introduce you to this director of great subtlety, by the way… <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBD7ChRwPurdB9wy1a5NG1aVSBfbCZ9p3uEMjpG9iIq8QNA4dFHT-E-9LOa5NzIYyg-dkJeTDX3ZpRIcTVcImnL5bo7-Aw2lqOgexUrRuq_VqXUPIz6rgqHaF9Km_XaAKiMGu9G-qZCg-/s1600/Psycho2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBD7ChRwPurdB9wy1a5NG1aVSBfbCZ9p3uEMjpG9iIq8QNA4dFHT-E-9LOa5NzIYyg-dkJeTDX3ZpRIcTVcImnL5bo7-Aw2lqOgexUrRuq_VqXUPIz6rgqHaF9Km_XaAKiMGu9G-qZCg-/s320/Psycho2.png" width="320" /></a></div>Yes, in the case of <i>Psycho III,</i> Anthony Perkins takes the lead both in front of <i>and</i> behind the camera and seems determined to show us just exactly what a great director can do.<br />
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And that great director is…umm…Alfred Hitchcock, who clearly forced Anthony to play with great restraint when he originated the role of Normal Bates back in 1960. Here, Mr. Perkins directs himself to immediately go off the deep end, speaking his lines in such a jarring, machine-gun style that I challenge any of you to listen to his first few lines of dialogue and have any clue what he’s talking about. <br />
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Anyway, the arrival of Diana sets poor Norman on an even further downward spiral. Hell, he becomes a twitching, jittery mess, and all apparently because of her remarkable resemblance to Marion Crane (played by Janet Leigh in the original). It’s actually pretty amazing that Norman’s been able to survive during the years since he’s been released from the looney bin, considering all it took to make him completely nuts again was a woman with short blonde hair…which, let’s be honest, is the only thing Diana Scarwid and Janet Leigh have in common. That said, I defy anyone to tell me that Diana Scarwid and Denise Crosby (of <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Dolly%20Dearest%20%281992%29">this</a> amazing film) are not the same woman:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGURxOaomCzYH62vyuHDjhhw5FQfAqNzO7EPPzTy2U3nLrkfArap6kFuT3kKb9iX35AFa2_qek-Ycf9u9rP3HujMo8N71hLLEUP6ZAiHpdnZ0cIYiETuj4uE2tkFLloUyGVHE0axLExH_z/s1600/Psycho9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGURxOaomCzYH62vyuHDjhhw5FQfAqNzO7EPPzTy2U3nLrkfArap6kFuT3kKb9iX35AFa2_qek-Ycf9u9rP3HujMo8N71hLLEUP6ZAiHpdnZ0cIYiETuj4uE2tkFLloUyGVHE0axLExH_z/s320/Psycho9.png" width="320" /></a></div>Whatever Anthony the director may lack in controlling his actors, he more than makes up for in boobs and bad 80s aesthetics. May I present to you Exhibit A:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaooqLYlDDyl_zZmDmYkomE5wv4MtYA3U5jeRQwMId_AlIDpypn2UJA9JRFNHkSLQNyG6Z62F1faYLxQ5pBypmv3kx7yf-OvFv0j7_O_Q7kSFO4LqXrAHCickx1oWxC_wTpKgf0efWFkkW/s1600/Psycho3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaooqLYlDDyl_zZmDmYkomE5wv4MtYA3U5jeRQwMId_AlIDpypn2UJA9JRFNHkSLQNyG6Z62F1faYLxQ5pBypmv3kx7yf-OvFv0j7_O_Q7kSFO4LqXrAHCickx1oWxC_wTpKgf0efWFkkW/s320/Psycho3.png" width="320" /></a></div>This doll ends up on the wrong end of Norman’s knife after wandering around the hotel topless for no apparent reason (I hate to ever say someone is asking to be killed…but come on…). The murder, by the way, happens in a phone booth, and is staged just like the original’s shower scene…except for the missing tension and suspense, and the addition of hilariously loud, goopy fake blood that is clearly being spurt out from a plastic bottle by a production assistant just out of frame. <br />
The second death scene is even classier than the first, in that it involves a young hotel guest actually sitting on the toilet when she bites the big one. She inexplicably grabs the rolls of toilet paper as she falls off the pot, leading Mrs. Bates to make perhaps the most awesome move in slasher history:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN5RBcXedpPoM2-qEhTbpmwslcbdbwvPhqAU2nIaxCLyRpTFpN8pz_2tDN3OtaLFYhy_GUd8qRM72QGHT63Kde65ReFUJsx-t29z_-7d8X4j3qrX2ElNcRFn1aiH03SB9EgtP3rw6qhyphenhyphenmF/s1600/Psycho5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN5RBcXedpPoM2-qEhTbpmwslcbdbwvPhqAU2nIaxCLyRpTFpN8pz_2tDN3OtaLFYhy_GUd8qRM72QGHT63Kde65ReFUJsx-t29z_-7d8X4j3qrX2ElNcRFn1aiH03SB9EgtP3rw6qhyphenhyphenmF/s320/Psycho5.png" width="320" /></a></div>Anyway, lots of other things happen, but what’s important to note is that the movie ends like this: <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCsuc_XYJsjCaQ_JfhmlDrVfPfiAWrODXKtYEOxkj3FYRt-GQBpZ3T2AeAB3c7U7LzIQx0LhTEVVqouWAour4f9qpdA8XwsZHv3eZLcxZlhOc4ivd-WTlqlxQtHHomluoUOZq4GeyQRizn/s1600/Psycho7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCsuc_XYJsjCaQ_JfhmlDrVfPfiAWrODXKtYEOxkj3FYRt-GQBpZ3T2AeAB3c7U7LzIQx0LhTEVVqouWAour4f9qpdA8XwsZHv3eZLcxZlhOc4ivd-WTlqlxQtHHomluoUOZq4GeyQRizn/s320/Psycho7.png" width="320" /></a></div>I’m not even going to explain it. The fact is, you must see this movie. After all, as a well-respected film critic once said, “If you only see one <i>Psycho</i> movie, see <i>Psycho III</i>.” It truly is, for us, the most enjoyable of them all. It takes everything that worked in the original, throws that away, the fills the holes with the best conventions of 80s horror. It’s brilliant. <br />
FOUR FINGERSTower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-90617971186352903892010-09-01T15:41:00.000-07:002010-09-01T15:47:55.577-07:00Burial Of The Rats (1995)<div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjPpL5gr9zhbhR1XrpVhC93XL1cEcm3TIs1AYrfo7IBXWiaMUjft71oh-lMYHa-KnUNBrZHKwbKRim63Jfbscdiqw1gCgmommMB2JesqBLb7MHNfaZpmZX49jYvAxA7M-Hn4AUPLCgbnj6/s1600/Rats3.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjPpL5gr9zhbhR1XrpVhC93XL1cEcm3TIs1AYrfo7IBXWiaMUjft71oh-lMYHa-KnUNBrZHKwbKRim63Jfbscdiqw1gCgmommMB2JesqBLb7MHNfaZpmZX49jYvAxA7M-Hn4AUPLCgbnj6/s320/Rats3.png" width="320" height="237" ox="true" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br /><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Somehow this movie escaped me for far too long. I’d never seen it – never even seen previews or the box cover in stores– and didn’t hear about it until I read Adrienne Barbeau’s memoir <em>There Are Worse Things I Could Do</em>. She devotes an entire chapter to it, calling it only “The Rat Movie,” which is a hilarious account of no-budget movie making. Even still, my interest wasn’t that great until she wrote about the young leading lady, who she described in…shall we say…less than complimentary terms. So I looked the movie up and lo and behold, that young leading lady is none other than Tower Farm fave Maria Ford. </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">It held the number one spot on my Netflix queue that night.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Well, <em>Burial Of The Rats</em> is everything Adrienne wrote it would be…and more. For starters, the credits insist it's based on a story by Bram Stoker. Which is strange, since the lead character in this movie is named Bram Stoker. Did Stoker write stories about himself? Is this an autobiographical film? This much is never made clear. However, anytime a movie stars Maria Ford and claims to be based on the work of a classic author (see: <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Haunting%20Of%20Morella%20%281990%29">The Haunting Of Morella</a>, <em>Necrinomicon: Book of the Dead</em>), you know you’re in for a journey filled with insane dialogue, overacting, and lot (and lots) of boobs.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">This movie scores big time within the first 10 minutes. Bram is kidnapped by Maria, who is wearing this period-realistic thong costume under her robe:</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNF1gGRjWQ2tRmru-KFD2xUeE0dtG5gHprxIFiNqIAoWfI0Kz2C5pZEvp4krkYMe3XsPcxBALOgPyet4OPS4WwzRIFFAtLUnRVZfAVioIRq3Asef8JFLlQFPlz4gzp8jO43LTYfzh7CokU/s1600/Rats1.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNF1gGRjWQ2tRmru-KFD2xUeE0dtG5gHprxIFiNqIAoWfI0Kz2C5pZEvp4krkYMe3XsPcxBALOgPyet4OPS4WwzRIFFAtLUnRVZfAVioIRq3Asef8JFLlQFPlz4gzp8jO43LTYfzh7CokU/s320/Rats1.png" width="320" height="239" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Maria is apparently part of an of all-women rat kingdom, ruled over by Queen Adrienne, who controls the ladies and hundreds of rats with her magical flute. Yes…you just read that sentence correctly. She actually calls herself “the Pied Piper’s twisted sister” – a line that must have Dee Snider pissed as hell over his missed opportunity at the greatest band name ever.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"> </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Oh, and for no specified reason, Adrienne uses an adorable mini-guillotine to behead rats sometimes:<br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisDKfDC0TzGZzsPI3k1PJPeh1g_MQ8jlcAknvZJu2XPuDNs6wXN2nWuQ_lE-glH2imtPdmvw1Gbm3cyD4XBLMa4YOGtOe2dTljD8sQKzJjNr0AYaV7p5rw2DsCvtt_GABMySUM9t39Rd6S/s1600/Rats2.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisDKfDC0TzGZzsPI3k1PJPeh1g_MQ8jlcAknvZJu2XPuDNs6wXN2nWuQ_lE-glH2imtPdmvw1Gbm3cyD4XBLMa4YOGtOe2dTljD8sQKzJjNr0AYaV7p5rw2DsCvtt_GABMySUM9t39Rd6S/s320/Rats2.png" width="320" height="230" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">The all-women kingdom is pretty awesome, and even boasts Linnea Quigley in a non-speaking role amongst its ranks. The ladies are generally either topless or wearing fur bikinis, and come off exactly like the centerpiece skit in the comedy <em>Amazon Women On The Moon</em>, which features the similar premise of an all-girl kingdom turned upside-down by men. In this case, Maria starts falling for Bram – a strange development, considering a) he killed her sister, b) she’s presumably been a lesbian until now, and c) Bram looks like this:</div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5GMbbdifS4nil88SKz9U6KwYXmfmf1C43U1R38WqIycIaEGVNt6SrdupEC3EYErkzCWlDhyeyfHNrPbA6w_euzO_RE_ZoZWvyBh68LsOh_hpBYrChzIlWaQ61FduhPJC8nYPohwmTeRt/s1600/Rats4.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5GMbbdifS4nil88SKz9U6KwYXmfmf1C43U1R38WqIycIaEGVNt6SrdupEC3EYErkzCWlDhyeyfHNrPbA6w_euzO_RE_ZoZWvyBh68LsOh_hpBYrChzIlWaQ61FduhPJC8nYPohwmTeRt/s320/Rats4.png" width="320" height="237" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Nonetheless, you know where this is going. Leave it to a man to screw a good thing up.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Let’s talk for a moment about Maria. In short, she’s awesome. Making absolutely no attempt to appear like a woman from the 1700s (or 1800s? 1600s? Oh, who the hell knows…), she speaks in her patented 90s-California-sex-kitten voice and manages to bear her ass in every single scene by wearing a thong that rides so high on her hips it comes off like the most extreme locker room wedgie ever:</div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRsoFVv-J5gVu88rMmktGGVPd2ujI5ZroIxWCc9S0uDJNCCoLuWz_5IrjsvQEZRea65RfB9ONGmQvIy3McJpkVPoSqXHk48YZah_-VYw03hVjnR_zSfrNS9F6fVB_7a6nVuaAlH1riCbc3/s1600/Rats5.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRsoFVv-J5gVu88rMmktGGVPd2ujI5ZroIxWCc9S0uDJNCCoLuWz_5IrjsvQEZRea65RfB9ONGmQvIy3McJpkVPoSqXHk48YZah_-VYw03hVjnR_zSfrNS9F6fVB_7a6nVuaAlH1riCbc3/s320/Rats5.png" width="320" height="240" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">The other women are mainly Russian, I think (it was filmed in Moscow), and dubbed to wonderful effect (in other words, appearing drunk). Several of them also bear a striking resemblance to Julianna Margulies at various stages in her career…for example, this pair, who seem to be showing us how much Julianna has changed between <em>Ghost Ship</em> and “The Good Wife”:</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgpjYMZtdnCvyb-ffS3eu4VWI2qy2YqIJ5SKtj6znG3XE6I42nn4YRg8dzH5mBPJBjJRw-uDsKkY9FmG7oMmVwREBqdLmOAy61ePZz8ukNespYcbbDnX3vPiTnJhHdYLbZNsWH5MAb0_c/s1600/Rats6.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgpjYMZtdnCvyb-ffS3eu4VWI2qy2YqIJ5SKtj6znG3XE6I42nn4YRg8dzH5mBPJBjJRw-uDsKkY9FmG7oMmVwREBqdLmOAy61ePZz8ukNespYcbbDnX3vPiTnJhHdYLbZNsWH5MAb0_c/s320/Rats6.png" width="320" height="238" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">The rat gals go around on nightly “raids” – attacking establishments that prey on women, such as a monastery full of lecherous monks and a brothel that recruits kids. While I think we’re supposed to dislike the rat women, they’re actually doing really good work, and had my full support. Unfortunately, Maria is kidnapped (during a sword fight which must be seen to be believed) and so Bram must be “initiated” into the rat kingdom so that he can go rescue her. This initiation, by the way, consists of drinking the blood of one of the women and then being stripped naked in front of the rest. Which, at least to me, doesn't actually seem that bad…until it’s revealed that he’s also been forced to paint this logo on his back, which is just embarrassing:</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLj-1cTyH4r25PI3MIDO2quYbO3HOdQGfk3cj3iAB3dS89QtuHw9n9QYBwpd0Ml4Juys7LXkfLNEQKBHBu9yRXGKN4vfYVJzN4qV0WyRt6XAnl3abqgbCkrWaavJw9cYxi1GDeAOqQfqcY/s1600/Rats7.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLj-1cTyH4r25PI3MIDO2quYbO3HOdQGfk3cj3iAB3dS89QtuHw9n9QYBwpd0Ml4Juys7LXkfLNEQKBHBu9yRXGKN4vfYVJzN4qV0WyRt6XAnl3abqgbCkrWaavJw9cYxi1GDeAOqQfqcY/s320/Rats7.png" width="320" height="239" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Anyway…blah blah blah…we finally get to the climactic battle between women, rats, and men in colonial-wear, looking about as authentic as those actors who walk around Colonial Williamsburg making tourists uncomfortable. In an incredibly stupid move, the Queen breaks her flute during a fit and ends up being attacked by her own rats. Well, that’s what we’re told happens. However, by studying the following screenshot, it appears that the rats actually just stumble upon a pan of spaghetti sauce:</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAUKR9FTFdXU9QDcwHP-yc4JI6esp8m4mp2butaapeNcNECfNMZ-6sPJnjoT3kONcXi1DieUhyphenhyphentYcGKdfkDAZnCzsofM_8l61CxRyUeB2C1BuYS7kVIHqoS7fcrx6W3wh4196SKzGBihf/s1600/Rats8.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAUKR9FTFdXU9QDcwHP-yc4JI6esp8m4mp2butaapeNcNECfNMZ-6sPJnjoT3kONcXi1DieUhyphenhyphentYcGKdfkDAZnCzsofM_8l61CxRyUeB2C1BuYS7kVIHqoS7fcrx6W3wh4196SKzGBihf/s320/Rats8.png" width="320" height="240" ox="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">So, anyway, clearly this movie is wonderful. I’d like to personally thank Adrienne Barbeau for making it, and even more for writing about it and bringing it to my attention. I'd like to think that if Bram Stoker were still be alive, he'd be really proud that something he wrote was turned into a masterpiece of boobs, rats, and Prego meat sauce. What more could an author ask for?</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">FOUR FINGERS! </div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-69521130489859912192010-07-30T19:27:00.000-07:002010-07-30T19:27:52.910-07:00A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEireAEJ215mEl6_OfYndua6l6KPjyVyM8SjSl5A1u_E_aBzoTSWvCbZO_PrecMJ1Txrjqgu_3zmD-y8_SUBNRsxRmy-6FVy6s6Rqibelzya_vQzZzFxeVlzdddQIwwg10V6yz8Q7gk30TsG/s1600/primetime.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEireAEJ215mEl6_OfYndua6l6KPjyVyM8SjSl5A1u_E_aBzoTSWvCbZO_PrecMJ1Txrjqgu_3zmD-y8_SUBNRsxRmy-6FVy6s6Rqibelzya_vQzZzFxeVlzdddQIwwg10V6yz8Q7gk30TsG/s320/primetime.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsG8RqKT4-Un2kexsxc8k02RJQ4WvXGNMX8_4jmczM-RqUWj08GQxv-mC5nh9HDqlniikF7-tpjyC9NvnY-lbYU8bfY90gVsW7GrbZJNGO2ylKZacLBwKcKwv7tdYI5yy3GEepzmEtz8GF/s1600/arquette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy and JM<br />
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We’ve always said at Tower Farm that sequels are better than the originals, but it’s a much less-publicized fact that we are, in particular, fans of Part 3s. Part 3s generally take one of two courses of actions; they either go in a completely different direction, totally screwing up any continuity in the series thus far (<i>Halloween III, <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Witchboard%20III%3A%20The%20Possession%20%281995%29">Withboard III</a></i>), or they try to make up for the errors of a misguided Part 2 and bring back the original cast, hoping to strike gold again. This particular movie sort of takes both tracks at once, bringing back characters from Part 1 while also adding insanely stupid elements such as dream powers and changing the villain from a creepy boogeyman into a stand-up comedian. Of course, we love this movie...hell, at TF, we call it <i>A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Cast</i>. Come on…you’ve got a literally sleepwalking Patricia Arquette, Laurence Fishburne a hundred pounds lighter than you’re used to seeing him, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and the musical involvement of Dokken!<br />
<br />
Let’s set the stage for the plot here: you’ve got a neighborhood, and all the kids are unable to sleep and going completely nuts. Rather than try figure out what the hell toxic chemical’s in the water, the parents ship all the teens off to a mental institution…wherein nobody seems to make the connection that they’re all from the same neighborhood (hell…from the same damn street) and having the same dreams. Jesus Christ, this is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen as soon as Erin Brockovich hears about this. You’d also think by the third movie, old Freddy would be smarter than to collect the kids all in one place, where they’ll be able to plan attacks against him. Maybe he’s just trying to round up a captive audience for his ninety-minute set of lame jokes/zingers.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsG8RqKT4-Un2kexsxc8k02RJQ4WvXGNMX8_4jmczM-RqUWj08GQxv-mC5nh9HDqlniikF7-tpjyC9NvnY-lbYU8bfY90gVsW7GrbZJNGO2ylKZacLBwKcKwv7tdYI5yy3GEepzmEtz8GF/s1600/arquette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsG8RqKT4-Un2kexsxc8k02RJQ4WvXGNMX8_4jmczM-RqUWj08GQxv-mC5nh9HDqlniikF7-tpjyC9NvnY-lbYU8bfY90gVsW7GrbZJNGO2ylKZacLBwKcKwv7tdYI5yy3GEepzmEtz8GF/s320/arquette.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>This time around we focus on the character of Kirsten. Or Kristen. We’re not really sure what her name is since she’d referred to as both. This character is played by Patricia, who seems to think this is an initial read-through instead of the actual filming. The lack of enthusiasm with which she recites her lines is unparalleled…that is, until she’ll star in the show “Medium” years later. At least she’s consistent. Kristin/Kirsten has an awesome mom who’s a mixture of all the mom characters from the original cast of “Beverly Hills: 90210.” It’s hard to tell if she’s a coke addict, an alcoholic, a plain-old frustrated soccer mom, or Mrs. Cleaver. Anyway, she sends her daughter to the loony bin after what she thinks is a suicide attempt, but is actually an attack by a sink faucet. Seriously.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy19JUE0d_FKODoyzgAmFt-MRYABWYOJdYDmL-LSWU4bLhBUPEGM5PQjskpGvxiiGtpYA7QuBHTfffOee5LpbuxajkR0kWZGNIfTQgssrP2AcFj_CeckBOVLgkXcS5OxLcpV-WV6El-yj9/s1600/sink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy19JUE0d_FKODoyzgAmFt-MRYABWYOJdYDmL-LSWU4bLhBUPEGM5PQjskpGvxiiGtpYA7QuBHTfffOee5LpbuxajkR0kWZGNIfTQgssrP2AcFj_CeckBOVLgkXcS5OxLcpV-WV6El-yj9/s320/sink.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Heather Langenkamp is the newest staff member at the hospital; in the years following part one, Nancy has apparently become a “grad school superstar” in the field of “pattern nightmares” (which, we’re not sure, but might include the wallpaper in every room of our childhood Muncie, Indiana home). Nancy also seems to have acquired the hair of the Bride of Frankenstein; the curly mop with the grey streak is literally so startling upon first glance that it’s no wonder the kids around her are all attempting suicide.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8eVkOCoXIgQCSS7SJC40vUQAVw_YZ90fUq4n9WB8P0V-eSTSpjqe4RQOcjOz6CNq8DC-s0oUk4PQKMVXBixKC3kVLHHevT1Whz75DUiQb_hRsfcPuyTZAi1GiNhYgdZpLtrTMhqnO-x1s/s1600/hair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8eVkOCoXIgQCSS7SJC40vUQAVw_YZ90fUq4n9WB8P0V-eSTSpjqe4RQOcjOz6CNq8DC-s0oUk4PQKMVXBixKC3kVLHHevT1Whz75DUiQb_hRsfcPuyTZAi1GiNhYgdZpLtrTMhqnO-x1s/s320/hair.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Nancy and Kristen/Kirsten develop a special bond when the younger girl drags the older one into her dream. This is, you see, is her “dream power” – something we’re never heard about until now, but sure as hell could have helpful to the poor kids who’ve died in the past two movies. This dream, by the way, features the famous “Freddy worm” – which tries to eat Kristen/Kirsten, but upon closer inspection, is actually gobbling up an oddly shaped stunt woman.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBm8V-oFjXILCPTmBwh-9AJlum24e5voizKdlr7QM-cVDlct7MJYlZ44kisDh3pq1uWmgaI3Cb4gG7YolehQXXzHD1retkgn8-_I-Rn1JOijkiGDjux5Y9Sa3oDdQ3aeCnCb83166E4aUh/s1600/worm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBm8V-oFjXILCPTmBwh-9AJlum24e5voizKdlr7QM-cVDlct7MJYlZ44kisDh3pq1uWmgaI3Cb4gG7YolehQXXzHD1retkgn8-_I-Rn1JOijkiGDjux5Y9Sa3oDdQ3aeCnCb83166E4aUh/s320/worm.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Soon we meet the rest of the Elm Street kids, a wonderful group of idiots that really sets this movie apart from the other sequels. Each group therapy session starts with the fantastic line “Straight talk only in this room,” which we plan to start using daily for no apparent reason other than it makes us laugh. Leading the therapy groups is a doctor played by Craig Wasson and looking exactly like Bill Maher, and this movie’s version of mean Nurse Ratched, whom JM lovingly describes as “the human cigarette.”<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHN3ooAdLP_BpGVV2gUMBLQAcTfZTinzkkMok5ufBzlyg4LZxXVL8hKcxEWXrTVVdhxzWQJGLYZeDYJ-nVuc_Lt3rS6kMvIwiarGU1nNh16U9NtloAny-3DnTq7RTMhK77eeFgfDlpq-sV/s1600/humancigarette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHN3ooAdLP_BpGVV2gUMBLQAcTfZTinzkkMok5ufBzlyg4LZxXVL8hKcxEWXrTVVdhxzWQJGLYZeDYJ-nVuc_Lt3rS6kMvIwiarGU1nNh16U9NtloAny-3DnTq7RTMhK77eeFgfDlpq-sV/s320/humancigarette.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Meanwhile, Philip is the sleepwalker who looks a lot like the gross brother in “The Wonder Years,” there’s Will in the wheelchair – possibly played by Sally Jesse Raphael, in her film debut – as well as the always enjoyable <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Crush%20%281993%29">Jennifer Rubin</a> playing bad girl Taryn, and our favorite duo Kincaid and Joey, who somehow become the breakout stars of this group (which should tell you something about the rest of these twits). Oh, and we can’t forget Jennifer, the wannabe actress who burns herself with cigarettes. There’s no proof to back this up, but we are convinced this is indeed Tara Reid in her finest performance…aside from her stunning work in “Taradise.”<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWT9UhNnY7qqk3moOA3yJ65dvpD9pMhnM_umUYZOcbR220689EocjbEZ20ENonUBL7lDacaJQpgvsspMooHhqXNJ_kMCiqOTTGUPb9Nrhs5Z1Gvb29kE-wjgxYelO-7T2qt76IjHaXqWWd/s1600/tara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWT9UhNnY7qqk3moOA3yJ65dvpD9pMhnM_umUYZOcbR220689EocjbEZ20ENonUBL7lDacaJQpgvsspMooHhqXNJ_kMCiqOTTGUPb9Nrhs5Z1Gvb29kE-wjgxYelO-7T2qt76IjHaXqWWd/s320/tara.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Along with the awesome characters, this is the <i>Nightmare</i> in which filmmakers decided the best way to keep audiences entertained is to be as gross as possible when it comes to the death scenes. To that end, we get Philip’s veins ripped out of his arms and legs and used as marionette strings, Jennifer’s head slammed into a television set moments after an appearance by both Zsa Zsa and Dick Cavett, Joey tied to a bed with a bunch of wagging tongues, and our personal favorite, the still-nauseating image of little mouths popping up on recovering junkie Taryn’s arms and begging to be fed with heroine. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxscV_ovmniAcPSxvJaiynp-j5Q6o8wdSiVoNLAkK6heLxs4-QwZOEyb4ot9Cd9KQhjcHBajp3a1P4qEMPyLTiIQiwMmFUSFfcyh9TDLcUaDU4YWULSMM8nIOQREgjJAk7V1RzZpFJOyCL/s1600/with+arms+wide+open.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxscV_ovmniAcPSxvJaiynp-j5Q6o8wdSiVoNLAkK6heLxs4-QwZOEyb4ot9Cd9KQhjcHBajp3a1P4qEMPyLTiIQiwMmFUSFfcyh9TDLcUaDU4YWULSMM8nIOQREgjJAk7V1RzZpFJOyCL/s320/with+arms+wide+open.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><billy shudders=""> These deaths give Robert Englund a chance to really let loose in his Shecky Green routine, spitting out one-liners that were reportedly sometimes ad-libbed. Here’s just a sample of Robert’s fine work as a thespian and author:<br />
-“What’s wrong, Joey? Feeling tongue-tied?” – moments after Joey is…umm…tied up with tongues<br />
-“Welcome to primetime, bitch!” – moments before Jennifer’s smashed into the TV<br />
-“Let’s get high!” – moments before brandishing a hand full of hypodermic needles<br />
<br />
Unfortunately for Robert, all of these lines are completely overshadowed by Kincaid’s classic taunt, “Yo, Freddy! Where you hiding at, you burnt-face pussy?” He then follows it with a terse but effective, “Krueger, pussy!”</billy><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdhLYFCwTs-0sBJFxEsh8mCzpSZ0ImsKxFgLP4pQT3B3EWrLI7H6lv8JgcrV4DH0pGQI7q-Iohw1x5vvGolzzUmqQwOQPz_lLzVdI4-f2FQNhqNhKeBDt_0msUQarmZMA6bgpCv1lN_pKf/s1600/kicade.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdhLYFCwTs-0sBJFxEsh8mCzpSZ0ImsKxFgLP4pQT3B3EWrLI7H6lv8JgcrV4DH0pGQI7q-Iohw1x5vvGolzzUmqQwOQPz_lLzVdI4-f2FQNhqNhKeBDt_0msUQarmZMA6bgpCv1lN_pKf/s320/kicade.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><billy shudders=""> Also important to note: this is the <i>Nightmare</i> in which we learn that Freddy is the “bastard son of a hundred maniacs” and apparently the only way to kill him is to bury him in hallowed ground. Umm…we’d love to make a joke here, but this is just too stupid to even bother. It does, however, bring us John Saxon as Nancy’s father, who must lead the crew back to Freddy’s remains. Nancy’s dad is now a drunk who apparently never takes off his cop uniform. Saxon, of course, looks exactly the same as he does in every <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Tenebre%20%281982%29">other movie</a>.</billy><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWh1uX_VtFBrqqIx10SZbLcrAFR9GJtMUUCafE7680ulipo3bIOfs5XyZheVV_t0zPn6EdlzHGqbH49BgYLho6FrDq7KAWO7wujDq_il6SYwo5x7Vw7Ak8a006lBePPs6ioEDM0-ZhUEIz/s1600/sax.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWh1uX_VtFBrqqIx10SZbLcrAFR9GJtMUUCafE7680ulipo3bIOfs5XyZheVV_t0zPn6EdlzHGqbH49BgYLho6FrDq7KAWO7wujDq_il6SYwo5x7Vw7Ak8a006lBePPs6ioEDM0-ZhUEIz/s320/sax.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><billy shudders=""> Anyway…clearly this is a great movie. It’s the beginning of the turning point in the Freddy movies, with the villain slowly becoming more and more comedic and the death scenes becoming more and more stupid; of course, it would take Renny Harlin to really blow the lid off the series, which he did in the very <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Nightmare%20On%20Elm%20Street%204%3A%20The%20Dream%20Master%20%281988%29">next installment.</a>. But in the pantheon of great horror Part 3s, this one ranks near the top of the list, topped off by the great original poster and the awesome Dokken theme song. Nothing can top this <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Candyman%203%3A%20Day%20of%20the%20Dead%20%281999%29">Part 3</a> -- but <i>Nightmare </i>easily ranks...<br />
<br />
FOUR-AND-A-HALF-FINGER KNIVES!!</billy><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6fmfQ3Ee-IlzxC7JE3P596panL7AkqHbPrBfzovNw0tA1wNT-FP4rRQbd7sp7XWHs2u30stU-KP396axqOC9s9GdKl5FUf5mNOeau9z5i9-sLV2VSkl30FRibFwbu13p2JHsYKZbKuLdh/s1600/image.php.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6fmfQ3Ee-IlzxC7JE3P596panL7AkqHbPrBfzovNw0tA1wNT-FP4rRQbd7sp7XWHs2u30stU-KP396axqOC9s9GdKl5FUf5mNOeau9z5i9-sLV2VSkl30FRibFwbu13p2JHsYKZbKuLdh/s1600/image.php.jpg" /></a></div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-39384243217125133892010-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:002010-07-22T15:10:02.080-07:00Tenebre (1982)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlCjBlAEKNgnkSNKyXHOnpt__CGlncyihox5vmg9HRaCFup_-n2vk2T6NqYD5tSCJPZNE-Q0HkN1bMwCWumnewn5bMf41Y7fEhk2iQ2XZ_s3S9wFGPnz1h1x7BWSKRO-bKWamwZC6MecGr/s1600/shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlCjBlAEKNgnkSNKyXHOnpt__CGlncyihox5vmg9HRaCFup_-n2vk2T6NqYD5tSCJPZNE-Q0HkN1bMwCWumnewn5bMf41Y7fEhk2iQ2XZ_s3S9wFGPnz1h1x7BWSKRO-bKWamwZC6MecGr/s320/shoe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">by Billy & JM</div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Also known as <i>Unsane</i>, Dario Argento’s <i>Tenebre</i> opens on a cold winter’s night. At least, we think so...since our killer is reading a book with his gloves on. The book is called “Tenebrae” and is written by American author Peter Neal. Apparently, the book is not very good, because after reading a few passages, the killer hurls it into a fire. Cue what is perhaps the grossest song ever to include an accordian (which is saying a lot) and you have the opening credits to this 1982 disasterpiece.</div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This particular movie probably best illustrates Argento’s knack for casting the finest examples of Eurotrash this side of Abba. Take for instance, the mysterious woman in the airport. I don’t think I am giving much away here when we tell you that she is in the movie solely as body count. However, her death is certainly the most memorable, as you will soon see. Until then, marvel at this picture of 1980s Italian sexiness:<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_XzvITYptLMdKvr6XXcfsXiDfuuNLWPA4iXRXfRv1zKR0fz7rSAEdZ6lvZD1A42r-aDckehAzhKsIHNMwvyHYS3GU2WQpIp5j5zyRY2_bzKTDTGCchxBa-vLUSItmXRLaGgrP9Uh8uLM/s1600/70sbabe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_XzvITYptLMdKvr6XXcfsXiDfuuNLWPA4iXRXfRv1zKR0fz7rSAEdZ6lvZD1A42r-aDckehAzhKsIHNMwvyHYS3GU2WQpIp5j5zyRY2_bzKTDTGCchxBa-vLUSItmXRLaGgrP9Uh8uLM/s320/70sbabe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We soon find out that Peter Neal is the most popular writer in the world. In fact, his books are so popular that retail cosmetic store stock copies of his novels next to the perfume displays. His books are so in demand that prostitutes choose to shoplift them over much more valuable items, like… well, anything else for sale at a store.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately for the thieving hooker that we meet -- in what is perhaps the most extreme example of “crime doesn’t pay” -- after being nabbed for swiping the paperback, she gets pages of the book shoved in her face and her throat slit. Wow. They sure are tough in Rome.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZrAYpRdSSyQkNtBoKdR1dvZK4gwRtl3fUUwVI8naIVkDWJCGqVFH-ZxAkeIQCbtDQ2OGRnxcqV_06Y1h5yPI4ys0W4-TSXK0WAmPyn1mqXQS0FNno3edv435F7Jix-CbGDlV0A1kgtxet/s1600/papermouth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZrAYpRdSSyQkNtBoKdR1dvZK4gwRtl3fUUwVI8naIVkDWJCGqVFH-ZxAkeIQCbtDQ2OGRnxcqV_06Y1h5yPI4ys0W4-TSXK0WAmPyn1mqXQS0FNno3edv435F7Jix-CbGDlV0A1kgtxet/s320/papermouth.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Shortly after this poor girl’s death, we are introduced to a cast of characters that include John Saxon as Peter's unfortunately-named agent Bullmer, Daria Nicolodi as the author’s secretary, and Billy’s Eurotrash obsession, John Steiner as book reviewer Christiano Berti:<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S1dbcFzdFZI/AAAAAAAABYE/7Qz-4xE5hyQ/s1600/JohnSteiner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S1dbcFzdFZI/AAAAAAAABYE/7Qz-4xE5hyQ/s320/JohnSteiner.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, to be fair, the above picture is from a <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Sinbad%20Of%20The%20Seven%20Seas%20%281989%29">different movie</a>. John Steiner actually looks like this in <i>Tenebre:</i><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8MjnhFju9Yi0RXYLNC8cw0LSTDkwKGWz7FcEcTaemUFTazQW_pY4bwlhAiDiK3fwXeymYFURKOnPEC3Gfn5wxy9dGJPhyldawB9Dv2DNoVEo-gDcebDK03YYLRZtNU3NeznCA2F3GtOyN/s1600/steiner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8MjnhFju9Yi0RXYLNC8cw0LSTDkwKGWz7FcEcTaemUFTazQW_pY4bwlhAiDiK3fwXeymYFURKOnPEC3Gfn5wxy9dGJPhyldawB9Dv2DNoVEo-gDcebDK03YYLRZtNU3NeznCA2F3GtOyN/s320/steiner.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">While arriving at Peter Neil’s hotel with the author’s completely ridiculous entourage, the group is greeted by the Italian prototype for <i>The X-Files.</i> We did not bother to try to remember the characters’ real names, but prefer to just call them Scullyari and Mulderoni. These clowns inform Peter that someone obsessed with his novel is killing people...news which they all toast to with a glass of scotch.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHOyx1u3hzLG6-OYoQ0n8qmL6X0oXw2thYOB45pYvWxlY9WM1IlZ2KgwwE1BFzOA563Ykw3Vs4En5clh1hwzhs336S09I_YLYUWSeBRm5FFmrV5N9krX752oZFFMNLnJSsk4ClsDlBrJ-M/s1600/the+I+Files.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHOyx1u3hzLG6-OYoQ0n8qmL6X0oXw2thYOB45pYvWxlY9WM1IlZ2KgwwE1BFzOA563Ykw3Vs4En5clh1hwzhs336S09I_YLYUWSeBRm5FFmrV5N9krX752oZFFMNLnJSsk4ClsDlBrJ-M/s320/the+I+Files.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Dressed completely in white and wearing slightly less makeup that a mime, Daria Nicolodi’s presence in this movie is an absolute mystery. Why Peter Neil has a traveling secretary and what this woman does is beyond us at Tower Farm. However, if anyone reading this is on travel through Europe and needs a secretary, please forward us an application. Of note, Theresa Russell (who played Denise Richards's mom in Tower Farm fave <i>Wild Things</i>) supplied the voice for Daria in this movie. Though I have read that Daria Nicolodi is perturbed at having her real voice removed from the English version of the film, we enjoy the fact that the sloppy dubbing actually makes this character appear slightly drunk throughout the entire flick. Well done!</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">Also of note is the fact that John Saxon looks the same today as he does in this movie. Does this guy age?<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKH6rE2baWPY1BQKdl18y_1CIwm79rd5UDnoisuGvtBiQuZweNw8IzRLZPyWlEz3xJgWW1cLI7SuCo7Yl9xUx4s3QyeFFVqtqV0N-Ul-dYc3wEf8aJGC332sBbjO5sdhoVWLoWIZ6w2Lrb/s1600/saxon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKH6rE2baWPY1BQKdl18y_1CIwm79rd5UDnoisuGvtBiQuZweNw8IzRLZPyWlEz3xJgWW1cLI7SuCo7Yl9xUx4s3QyeFFVqtqV0N-Ul-dYc3wEf8aJGC332sBbjO5sdhoVWLoWIZ6w2Lrb/s320/saxon.jpg" width="298" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After the most boring single tracking shot in movie history (we fly over an entire house for what seems like ten minutes), we are given our next two victims, a pair of trashy topless lesbians. Though these totally drunk babes surely should have been easy targets, our killer chooses pretty complicated ways to dispatch of them. For example, he cuts through a shirt as one is putting her top on. Weird.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPednp5qivczUJXZ3CfVeUv3dfuVVaC20Y2b3ncOB5NNpBTj76He3obo1dDr8i5volGgrT1VLF1uwxONlmYC0ym131y-SWdkcMFNKLApLZ3MB3SXchlFfsJcK-FJNexw0A1IZ1conR4b3z/s1600/peekaboo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPednp5qivczUJXZ3CfVeUv3dfuVVaC20Y2b3ncOB5NNpBTj76He3obo1dDr8i5volGgrT1VLF1uwxONlmYC0ym131y-SWdkcMFNKLApLZ3MB3SXchlFfsJcK-FJNexw0A1IZ1conR4b3z/s320/peekaboo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">As with all Italian movies, the next twenty minutes are pretty boring. The author talks, John Saxon walks, and Daria Nicolodi… well, she just seems to be piling on more and more face makeup.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM4VtDSKVMkwutxu8B2fb1KucqzgWueonbXBTTghuM7XaqMuHhYPPbVbb1eIyOoHTjh8VYj9_MwpQtuWo0tQmDnzBKY-LIi3xpGaYnAX7AIXlgvh16QhS2vq94jt_C6zu_1qcJ0OK_3ZCm/s1600/nicolodi's+neck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM4VtDSKVMkwutxu8B2fb1KucqzgWueonbXBTTghuM7XaqMuHhYPPbVbb1eIyOoHTjh8VYj9_MwpQtuWo0tQmDnzBKY-LIi3xpGaYnAX7AIXlgvh16QhS2vq94jt_C6zu_1qcJ0OK_3ZCm/s320/nicolodi's+neck.jpg" width="286" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I mean, seriously. Just look. Daria's neck is a shade <i>darker</i> than her pancaked face!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway a couple of people die… more talking…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, we get back to our Eurotrash wonder from the airport at the beginning of the movie. It turns out that she is the estranged fiancee of Peter Neal. She has been following him around in a jealous rage all over Italy. Well, her stalker behavior is put to a quick and spectacular end with a drop of an axe.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJv2cPL33fIkhYs-Z8wTgqnPOW7nNMKukmkW1Afehs5IMdCG8O_I6vDv8M7x63iNOhXHcPH2td0iZ9MgRG9ydClAox0za7siFMYCCFUtfs1pQDA3sCBSV4TitXUpBCkTqfCzyuodsndluw/s1600/axe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJv2cPL33fIkhYs-Z8wTgqnPOW7nNMKukmkW1Afehs5IMdCG8O_I6vDv8M7x63iNOhXHcPH2td0iZ9MgRG9ydClAox0za7siFMYCCFUtfs1pQDA3sCBSV4TitXUpBCkTqfCzyuodsndluw/s320/axe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Thankfully, Argento makes up for about 45 minutes of talking with a final ten minutes of blood spewing and non-stop screaming. In fact, poor Theresa Russell was forced to scream so much that this may explain why she sounds so much like Kathleen Turner today.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">While many people will defend this movie until they are blue in the face, we cannot give it a 5 finger rating, because it’s “sequel”, <i>Trauma</i>, is so much better. Had Piper Laurie been in this one, perhaps we would have liked it better.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">3 and a half fingers!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_XzvITYptLMdKvr6XXcfsXiDfuuNLWPA4iXRXfRv1zKR0fz7rSAEdZ6lvZD1A42r-aDckehAzhKsIHNMwvyHYS3GU2WQpIp5j5zyRY2_bzKTDTGCchxBa-vLUSItmXRLaGgrP9Uh8uLM/s1600/70sbabe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S1dbcFzdFZI/AAAAAAAABYE/7Qz-4xE5hyQ/s1600/JohnSteiner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-66335141431711143162010-07-04T20:34:00.000-07:002010-07-04T20:34:18.947-07:00Blood Gnome (2004)<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbaWiLyGm6HvTv6ACkYF2ZkJOP5EZwsLmGx1CY2gr-O0BPfB3GHRssneqoMbAKYA9AFj1jSwCZb1xmDIB9QdsEtwaxoL7Nm67bQBXEGM_ng986tzH5EMxSo9T6HkQgNIRG0Hv_iUT5b1Kg/s1600/birth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9y4dNzLMCsxWT4SXqKb4brQan8ckMv_FBfJSPCtFDrYcLsVuhn9Cjn5qZVWUT_VriKyNklC1WcGdS0sQ-TCYFz5JdMgtC3lNDrV9O2QyI30qq8d6y7V2bAuBWrohdqYBizzHC4M_nAOsS/s1600/gnomewhat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9y4dNzLMCsxWT4SXqKb4brQan8ckMv_FBfJSPCtFDrYcLsVuhn9Cjn5qZVWUT_VriKyNklC1WcGdS0sQ-TCYFz5JdMgtC3lNDrV9O2QyI30qq8d6y7V2bAuBWrohdqYBizzHC4M_nAOsS/s320/gnomewhat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">by JM</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The back of the box features praise for the movie by Stuart Gordon.<span> </span>The front of the box features the tagline, “This is one sexy horrific ride”.<span> </span>It credits “Special Guest Stars Julie Strain and the Porcelain Twinz” (<span></span>I have long been a Julie Strain fan --the abhorrent <i>Delta Delta Die</i> being a personal favorite.<span> </span>I am also happy to report that the “Special Guest Stars” Porcelain Twins have not made a movie since this one). Needless to say, I could not believe what I was looking at when I picked up the box for this flick at Movie Stop this afternoon.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Caressing the DVD box as kid might a wrapped present on Christmas Eve, I was simply giddy with excitement over what wonders awaited me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes.<span> </span>There is not a whole lot more that you need to know.<span> </span>But, if you are interested, read on.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I gotta tell ya, you know you are in for a treat when a DVD… which offers no previews… starts like this:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZr9FPlFsXNmAYflbxMC8EDzkHFBWamdozwVNiZsWVNWRBQLcxy43yzto_0Ht6VPlegZWzuEsoNz-7KTq6AkKEvQnJ1vVhlPFYvrxJpHxGnl2u8GtPmzfNIYHqIRqRSMxIUbi2bHzTQ_vv/s1600/feat+pres.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZr9FPlFsXNmAYflbxMC8EDzkHFBWamdozwVNiZsWVNWRBQLcxy43yzto_0Ht6VPlegZWzuEsoNz-7KTq6AkKEvQnJ1vVhlPFYvrxJpHxGnl2u8GtPmzfNIYHqIRqRSMxIUbi2bHzTQ_vv/s320/feat+pres.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>I mean it.<span> </span>No previews and it tells the viewer that they are watching the “FEATURE PRESENTATION”!<span> </span>Farmhands know that we love laziness and stupidity.<span> </span>This move really delivers on both counts.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The movie follows the story of a crime scene photographer, who has recently lost his wife.<span> </span>She was murdered.<span> </span>But, don’t worry, that is not important.<span> </span>In fact, there seems to be no reason at all to give this guy any back story.<span> </span>Weird that the writer did.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, while taking pictures at a crime scene, he runs into a woman that knew the victims.<span> </span>And, so you have our attractive two main characters:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuCcKxkNJOoV8BOhWLhOmA_EB-HF_0tX6xQIceWXEbtnlLRJOvR3v7rkkdL4EUl3JRP6NRXVp-UL8Surt1lc6os1_xVwYLb2Boy0zKaMdw6cLipSY58h4hBlDtPfOPIujFLGsqd_U5ihyphenhyphenE/s1600/couple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuCcKxkNJOoV8BOhWLhOmA_EB-HF_0tX6xQIceWXEbtnlLRJOvR3v7rkkdL4EUl3JRP6NRXVp-UL8Surt1lc6os1_xVwYLb2Boy0zKaMdw6cLipSY58h4hBlDtPfOPIujFLGsqd_U5ihyphenhyphenE/s320/couple.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Through his fancy camera, our hero figures out that little gnomes (invisible to the naked eye) are running around killing men and women participating in BDSM . This is lucky news to the viewers of this movie for two reasons.<span> </span>Firstly, the BDSM angle allows for ample female (sorry Billy) nudity.<span> </span>Secondly, the gnomes are wonderful, looking like the best Boglins ever.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbaWiLyGm6HvTv6ACkYF2ZkJOP5EZwsLmGx1CY2gr-O0BPfB3GHRssneqoMbAKYA9AFj1jSwCZb1xmDIB9QdsEtwaxoL7Nm67bQBXEGM_ng986tzH5EMxSo9T6HkQgNIRG0Hv_iUT5b1Kg/s1600/birth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbaWiLyGm6HvTv6ACkYF2ZkJOP5EZwsLmGx1CY2gr-O0BPfB3GHRssneqoMbAKYA9AFj1jSwCZb1xmDIB9QdsEtwaxoL7Nm67bQBXEGM_ng986tzH5EMxSo9T6HkQgNIRG0Hv_iUT5b1Kg/s320/birth.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Speaking of BDSM, according to Wikipedia, this is "...a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release". That definition pretty much jives with what I have gleened from watching episodes of <i>CSI</i>. I wonder, though, if the writer of this movie had any idea what BDSM is. Because, according to this film this practice looks like:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFsgCPar9VXY4VCw4I4tyE1QpiNiSxVjGN9lWg7j4pRJ3Y6sZ8YdJ4Q0BqFHS1pne59AyMbymiRJWiAOK3tgqtsgy1JGyR1Gsx5JFIyGxlYrRiwWdC0bSp-Dnuc2dtHF4_2TlC_Hhp9Dex/s1600/stupid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFsgCPar9VXY4VCw4I4tyE1QpiNiSxVjGN9lWg7j4pRJ3Y6sZ8YdJ4Q0BqFHS1pne59AyMbymiRJWiAOK3tgqtsgy1JGyR1Gsx5JFIyGxlYrRiwWdC0bSp-Dnuc2dtHF4_2TlC_Hhp9Dex/s320/stupid.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, eventually our photographer becomes the de facto lead detective on the case, with his new girlfriend in tow.<span> </span>Nothing about this makes any sense to me.<span> </span>But, perhaps this is normal procedure in cases when the real detectives hit a dead end.<span> </span>Who knows?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Thankfully, though, the actually police return to the movie after awhile. This allows one of the detectives to utter my favorite line in the movie: “…our killer has a bloodlust”.<span> </span>The expression <i>no shit, Sherlock</i> sure seems fitting at this point.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Speaking of ample nudity.<span> </span>Julie Strain (and the Porcelain Twinz) appears toward the end of the movie.<span> </span>She has no lines and pretty much walks around a club naked.<span> </span>This is as it should be.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuj-m0MQB7B7sjYiB3WC5AbIXggPwnaeMEDMIWhMnP0QrpRlZXqBniA1D_PcyWL_Rjly-FWedQrdODCfyH-j5USF9RSuoTCo7IscgHEUEBhPZPVrWz2Ra2sxOwQ39DCzwcGKvWzTmwU5QO/s1600/strain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuj-m0MQB7B7sjYiB3WC5AbIXggPwnaeMEDMIWhMnP0QrpRlZXqBniA1D_PcyWL_Rjly-FWedQrdODCfyH-j5USF9RSuoTCo7IscgHEUEBhPZPVrWz2Ra2sxOwQ39DCzwcGKvWzTmwU5QO/s320/strain.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Like I said, this movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Four Fingers!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-83756993490773100062010-06-12T19:18:00.000-07:002010-06-12T19:18:37.834-07:00Fear House (2008)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-neiIVRv3atmucOKzC1ctZuoLkpzR-Mq8lW_yMoA4Ne4jNMO2zcKuD-Jqd-ZOAu7L5U8EFhdU_ZaYzMhBQ5nHFzWbZ7Gs2_UrIYAyHAwnt29R0GP0GlH3AARPqjoAY6GKlPbg3u9vYLK/s1600/Fear+House+5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-neiIVRv3atmucOKzC1ctZuoLkpzR-Mq8lW_yMoA4Ne4jNMO2zcKuD-Jqd-ZOAu7L5U8EFhdU_ZaYzMhBQ5nHFzWbZ7Gs2_UrIYAyHAwnt29R0GP0GlH3AARPqjoAY6GKlPbg3u9vYLK/s320/Fear+House+5.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Like a strange gift from God, <i>Fear House</i> somehow ended up in my mailbox one day. I have no idea when or why I added this movie to my Netflix queue, or how I even heard of it…but somewhere along the line either I clicked it into my list of movies or a power greater than I decided I needed to see it. If it be the latter, I’d like to publicly thank that deity for leading me to this marvel of cheap filmmaking. From an opening credits sequence that could’ve been made on a Windows Paint program to acting reminiscent of the best high school play I never saw, I enjoyed this one start to finish.</div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So, according to the Netflix sleeve, the plot here revolves around a group of people “ tracking down reclusive writer Samantha Ballard to her remote desert home.” Perhaps this is the case, but I was so startled by this Samantha Ballard character’s initial resemblance to 90s songbird Lisa Loeb that I couldn’t quite focus on anything else. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2JcvXF_NG0W17QbzoTui9miBbf7z-Zb6LXhsq-WkMAFcL3OXtHHa2sbXbxf58QMiCCfpeVDH8jTUj5jOHpsHqCY0MLPQKXCj1hfgi1NYZhKH0llgksd8dQAFdPceawbbNGmeKgjC1huL-/s1600/Fear+House+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2JcvXF_NG0W17QbzoTui9miBbf7z-Zb6LXhsq-WkMAFcL3OXtHHa2sbXbxf58QMiCCfpeVDH8jTUj5jOHpsHqCY0MLPQKXCj1hfgi1NYZhKH0llgksd8dQAFdPceawbbNGmeKgjC1huL-/s320/Fear+House+1.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Once inside, our group of idiots (who, as far as I can tell, include Samantha’s brother, ex-husband, agent, and…ummm…others?) find the author looking…well…a little rough around the edges, and babbling about how they’ll die if they try to leave the house. The mansion, you see, is apparently haunted by a female ghost that preys on people’s fears. As if anyone should be surprised, given that the place looks like Dracula’s castle, featuring arched doorways, stone walls, cobwebs, and candelabras worthy of Liberace’s dream house. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"> </div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">The fear thing is very <i>Nightmare on Elm Street 3</i>-ish, sans the wizards and flying tongues. At the very beginning, some trampy character goes on and on about being afraid of dogs, basically to the point of BEGGING to be killed by one, and before you know it she’s attacked by a crazed hound and eaten alive. Well, I think it was a dog that killed her. It’s a little tough to say considering this is the only glimpse we get (along with some synthesizer-created dog barks): </div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-nKKu2pN1I/AAAAAAAABUQ/ALvMtb3VAyQ/s1600/Fear+House+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-nKKu2pN1I/AAAAAAAABUQ/ALvMtb3VAyQ/s320/Fear+House+2.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Even after the first two people die, our cast of characters is remarkably calm, having all kinds of introspective conversations alerting us, the audience, to their fears. Of course, these knuckleheads are also alerting the witch girl to their fears, which makes it impossible to do anything else but cheer as they’re killed off. For example, if you’d just been told the story about the little girl ghost…and then actually saw a little girl run past you in darkened hallway, is there any chance you’d go running after her, crying out “Come back, little girl…I won’t hurt you…”? I sure as hell wouldn’t. But one of these twits does, and ends up like this: </div></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbfG1mR0wjEFGP9V6xWIUQ8E6uFfBwhzag2EYUIXQuX3kcJ-csISs98mjOn9vM2DKnmzKabAM2pmpmVTDUoXgMGuQLCgShQz6uTua7LSv8lStP4fqsyIkb5GyWi4h4WtK-eo7ATk3H5CH/s1600/Fear+House+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbfG1mR0wjEFGP9V6xWIUQ8E6uFfBwhzag2EYUIXQuX3kcJ-csISs98mjOn9vM2DKnmzKabAM2pmpmVTDUoXgMGuQLCgShQz6uTua7LSv8lStP4fqsyIkb5GyWi4h4WtK-eo7ATk3H5CH/s320/Fear+House+4.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">The plot ends up unfolding as basically a bizarre carbon copy of <i>Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows</i>, as the characters become more and more paranoid of the ghost-witch who might be real or might be all in their heads. Samantha, played by Aleece Jones, is so over-the-top that she actually makes <i>Blair 2</i>’s Erica Leerhsen look like an actress of subtlety; I quickly fell in love with her high-school-drama-class twitches and creepy half smiles, given straight to camera. </div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-nKOcbtznI/AAAAAAAABUU/dnk4bBm5EmI/s1600/Fear+House+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="139" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-nKOcbtznI/AAAAAAAABUU/dnk4bBm5EmI/s320/Fear+House+3.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">The special effects are a real marvel; especially appreciated is the scene in which a girl – strapped to a wheelchair – starts spinning in circles out of control. This, mind you, has nothing to do with her fear of drowning, but probably seemed like a good idea at the time. I also love that the main girl ends up being burned alive, and thus looking like this:</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfzmkA74W5l6Dy4Nu0Kq7_BqqirgFY9Td-CdeabYxdZz_-Hf72lswqoD-vGIOn61hDIv1lc4u8qieGI4j04-c1NBpye9JmjH1our9KJA9n91hIM3pUDh_p5gbdF0xiBBUfxJ3YVr8jyyVq/s1600/Fear+House+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfzmkA74W5l6Dy4Nu0Kq7_BqqirgFY9Td-CdeabYxdZz_-Hf72lswqoD-vGIOn61hDIv1lc4u8qieGI4j04-c1NBpye9JmjH1our9KJA9n91hIM3pUDh_p5gbdF0xiBBUfxJ3YVr8jyyVq/s320/Fear+House+6.png" tt="true" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Awesome.</div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway, the end had something to do with the author and her brother being related to the ghost girl. I think. I actually have no idea what was going on at the end. And really, who cares? This movie is a complete mess, and a kind of loveable one at that. My brother is obsessed with <i>Blair Witch 2</i> – it’s one of his favorite movies ever. Well, JM – this movie may have been an unexpected gift in my mailbox, but you should expect it in yours soon. You can thank me later.</div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!</div></div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-7537552770685866172010-06-02T04:12:00.000-07:002010-06-02T04:12:18.734-07:00Wolfen (1981)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpz6hlBI/AAAAAAAABXY/6_3FMzkSYVw/s1600/Wolfen6.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="144" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpz6hlBI/AAAAAAAABXY/6_3FMzkSYVw/s320/Wolfen6.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Starring the extremely bizarre quartet of Albert Finney, Edward James Olmos, Gregory Hines, and Tom Noonan, <i>Wolfen</i> is one of a few modern movies that has somehow managed to attain “classic” status in the werewolf subgenre. Personally, I’d consider this to be a little unfair; it’s like saying JM and are I amongst the most successful graduates of our Indiana high school. This may be a true statement, but really anyone without a meth habit and a police record would be more successful than three-fourths of our high school peers. So…yes, <i>Wolfen</i> may be considered a seminal werewolf film, but it’s hard to fail when your toughest competition includes the increasingly insane <i>Howling</i> series and the Jack Nicholson disaster <i>Wolf</i>.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Set on the streets of New York City in the early 80s (which means lots of headbands and jean jackets), <em>Wolfen</em> opens with the murders of a wealthy businessman, his cokehead wife, and their driver. I think we’re supposed to assume some kind of animal kills them, but I’m actually banking on a shroom-eating hippie, based on the fact that the killer’s point-of-view is filmed like this:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIolau8UI/AAAAAAAABXA/3g2jYB3xf2U/s1600/Wolfen1.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="141" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIolau8UI/AAAAAAAABXA/3g2jYB3xf2U/s320/Wolfen1.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway, these initial deaths are satisfyingly gory and kind of creepy, and lead to the even scarier scenes of New York’s finest, led by Finney as a detective and Hines as a medical examiner. And when I say scary, I mean in terms of their appearance. Now I’ll give you Finney – looking a little like Ellen Burstyn after a speedy ride in a convertible – as a heavily British-accented New York cop…but I’m sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around Gregory as anything other than a tap dancer. I mean, come on…I dare you to look at Gregory Hines in scrubs and not imagine him in a Radio City tribute to “ER”:</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3EwkTUXKhfd_fp8337RCU8AF43OQyFWR-9RThXvGm-ubAHfERaUgKHK9Mb8LbORbNm1b7jBxMxnWlpMqX54LaDzA9AzJi6fS4sCGxsEYxC0YbF8TGx390VOsMXIlH0J8cMmEMz89Gg9Gg/s1600/Wolfen2.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3EwkTUXKhfd_fp8337RCU8AF43OQyFWR-9RThXvGm-ubAHfERaUgKHK9Mb8LbORbNm1b7jBxMxnWlpMqX54LaDzA9AzJi6fS4sCGxsEYxC0YbF8TGx390VOsMXIlH0J8cMmEMz89Gg9Gg/s320/Wolfen2.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">As Finney wastes time awkwardly flirting with a psychologist brought in to help him (seriously – the lack of sexual tension rivals even the leading duo in <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Roller%20Boogie%20%281979%29">this movie</a>), someone else is brutally murdered; this time, a homeless man is killed in the wasteland that is South Bronx. Now, I can’t say I’ve ever been to the Bronx…but this movie sure makes it look like the setting of the most depressing Mad Max movie ever. During their investigation of an abandoned church, Finney rescues the shrink from a close call with a lurking wolf, leading both to tumble down the stairs, and also displaying perhaps the worst-wigged stuntman in history. Really…this guy is supposed to be our heroic detective, but is seemingly wearing a wig modeled on a “Laugh-In”-era Goldie Hawn, which he actually appears to reach up and hold onto it during the fall!</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9gFHm90B-webDOPCJVjCd2rlo7qY8MQXKCgWdMCrffpXyJHSlH5IrO4xuc33S-hb93n3pgvKvy3_tAiRyyj1hYqPQgxBS5jEXMzMMP__lfKeE2ON_HGmCxdnKEEkbzqw4NazchwMXj_jk/s1600/Wolfen3.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9gFHm90B-webDOPCJVjCd2rlo7qY8MQXKCgWdMCrffpXyJHSlH5IrO4xuc33S-hb93n3pgvKvy3_tAiRyyj1hYqPQgxBS5jEXMzMMP__lfKeE2ON_HGmCxdnKEEkbzqw4NazchwMXj_jk/s320/Wolfen3.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">And just in case you need a closer look at that masterpiece of actor-to-wig matching:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ69jgK7hgaUaaVgukg-Q8A1fVTmsU0MvsNQmAscSfptsY2idT0amKttMVrwnCSvTfJVmOA3UCEgZwMYw6XlA06OU585V6bbRzJB-7e9VixGWFM_z8UtxXk_x8x0udqwpnAG9L1THSNCM6/s1600/Wolfen8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ69jgK7hgaUaaVgukg-Q8A1fVTmsU0MvsNQmAscSfptsY2idT0amKttMVrwnCSvTfJVmOA3UCEgZwMYw6XlA06OU585V6bbRzJB-7e9VixGWFM_z8UtxXk_x8x0udqwpnAG9L1THSNCM6/s320/Wolfen8.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Anyway, before long everyone realizes the attacks are “not human” – and animal expert Tom Noonan makes the brilliant proclamation that what they’re looking for is “a carnivore – a meat eater.” Well no sh*t Sherlock…I’d forgotten that human hearts weren’t a vegetable. Noonan also leads police to the bizarre connection that since the hairs found on victims come from a wolf that maybe Native Americans are involved, since wolves and Native Americans are so similar.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Huh?</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Well, naturally this takes Finney straight to the only Native American he apparently knows, an ex-con he once busted played by Edward James Olmos. Lucky for him, New York is apparently a very small city with only one Native American because ta da…he soon spies Edward James stripping down naked on the banks of the Hudson and lapping from puddles of water (in a scene, by the way, that I personally believe paved the path for Halle Berry in <i>Catwoman</i>):</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpTKJY7I/AAAAAAAABXQ/QYH3FQP3rg4/s1600/Wolfen4.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="142" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpTKJY7I/AAAAAAAABXQ/QYH3FQP3rg4/s320/Wolfen4.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Still, rather than arrest Eddy for public nudity, indecency, or…well…acting like a wolf while clearly under the influence of something, police just keep running around in circles, staking out the old abandoned church in hopes of shooting a wolf. At least, I think that’s what they’re doing. Instead, Gregory Hines is attacked and killed by one. And finally we, the audience, get a glimpse of the wolf…which unfortunately is not played by a big man in a hairy costume:</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpicgQNI/AAAAAAAABXU/3AArDG2mIVg/s1600/Wolfen5.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="148" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIpicgQNI/AAAAAAAABXU/3AArDG2mIVg/s320/Wolfen5.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway…blah blah blah…turns out the Wolfen are an underground society that have been surviving for hundreds of years, most recently in the slums of big cities. Frankly, by the time we learn this information, the movie has been running for more than an hour and a half, which we all know means it’s way too long for a horror movie. However, things definitely pick up during the awesome climax, where our leads are surrounded by a pack of wolves. And I gotta give this movie credit – it gives us a great scene where a decapitated head is still trying to talk – something Dario Argento would use to grosser effect years later in <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Trauma%20%281993%29">Trauma</a>. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIqC4E4ZI/AAAAAAAABXc/aWMwFSmEuP0/s1600/Wolfen7.png.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="142" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_lIqC4E4ZI/AAAAAAAABXc/aWMwFSmEuP0/s320/Wolfen7.png.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span id="goog_1756043803"></span><span id="goog_1756043804">So, there you have it. I'm not a fan of werewolf movies (well...except for <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Cursed%20%282005%29">this one</a>, a bona-fide Tower Farm classic), so I can't say I loved it. And it's hard to take anything seriously that comes from the mind of author Whitley Stieber -- a man I once heard on a radio show say he understood what female rape victims feel like because he'd been anally probed by aliens (no...I'm not making this up). However, I do have a soft spot for movies that take respectable actors and place them in situations involving decapitation and psychadelic camera effects. Plus, how can you not recommend a movie in which the leading man's hair could well be a character unto itself?</span><br />
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THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERSTower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-85685411061314589772010-05-24T16:42:00.000-07:002010-05-24T16:51:22.068-07:00Reform School Girls (1986)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BjPeySMqI/AAAAAAAABVU/QIUpnt9riLU/s1600/Reform%204.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BjPeySMqI/AAAAAAAABVU/QIUpnt9riLU/s320/Reform%204.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">I remember how I felt in the first few moments after my initial viewing of <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Savage%20Streets%20%281984%29">Savage Streets</a>; it was as though I’d just discovered life on another planet. Everything about it – the ridiculous plot, the horrifying costumes, the sight of a topless Linda Blair lounging in the bathtub – was just so new and wonderful that I knew my life of viewing movies would never be the same.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Well, folks – if <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Savage%20Streets%20%281984%29">Savage Streets</a> gave me a glimpse of life on another planet…then <i>Reform School Girls</i> is like finding a peephole into a new dimension. This exciting, magical place includes 40-something-year-old women starring as “juveniles” in a reform school that appears to be set up in a deserted nuclear factory, and the butchest lesbian guards you’ve ever seen bossing them around and barking classy dialogue including, “You’re gonna be inspected inside and out…so get it clean!” It’s a place so perfect, so rapturous, that even Sybil Danning as the warden isn’t the best part. Because people, we’ve got this…</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BijMx_q-I/AAAAAAAABVI/YKVQ1HF9EJA/s1600/Reform%201.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BijMx_q-I/AAAAAAAABVI/YKVQ1HF9EJA/s320/Reform%201.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div>Oh, jeez...where to even start?<br />
<br />
Well, first of all a huge thanks to our newest best friend, Tower Farm reader Scott, who suggested this movie. Scott is basically the most wonderful person on the planet for asking us to see this movie, which is kind of like <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Savage%20Streets%20%281984%29">Savage Streets</a> mixed with <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Chained%20Heat%20%281983%29">Chained Heat</a> – in other words, it’s a WIP (women in prison) film in which we’re supposed to believe the women are rebellious teenage girls. This requires a suspension of disbelief greater than accepting the elderly Sharon Stone as a sexpot in <i>Basic Instinct 2</i>, mainly because the lead “bad girl” of the reform school is played by rock star Wendy O. Williams (rock singer of The Plasmatics), who a quick Internet search reveals was 37 when this movie came out. My friends, here’s a glimpse of what 37 years of HARD living looks like:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BjAJC29kI/AAAAAAAABVM/YWSTQ4xn7no/s1600/Reform%202.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_BjAJC29kI/AAAAAAAABVM/YWSTQ4xn7no/s320/Reform%202.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div>Wendy stars as Charlie, whose “special” relationship with the earlier-pictured head matron Edna has her ruling the dorm and tormenting the other girls. I’ll let the image of Charlie and Edna in the midst of their “special” relationship sink in for a moment.<br />
<br />
Anyway, new girl Jenny – played by Linda Carol – arrives on the scene and immediately begins challenging Edna and Charlie, which means we get lots of insanely choreographed girlfights, insults including “You butthole sisters better wash your things real good…cause we don’t want none of your crotch rot in our dorm,” as well as an honest-to-God ass-branding scene. On Jenny’s side is kindly new Dr. Norton, played by Charlotte McGinnis with such an inappropriate earnestness that I’m certain she was accidentally given the script for <i>Norma Rae</i> instead of this movie:<br />
<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3aeav80qQ2PMee-H0IpSoNrEkh6-Io7OSyGDcrPSZfK-jTwWTr_RXYn5yqNEoGW4eyJmE5F901TIAYDEKoOPsJBXxY9ZcoNxcMofN9qV7ZutjAgiJjQnFOJXlCL9TqkUxOcUEowFRrjcE/s1600/Reform%203.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3aeav80qQ2PMee-H0IpSoNrEkh6-Io7OSyGDcrPSZfK-jTwWTr_RXYn5yqNEoGW4eyJmE5F901TIAYDEKoOPsJBXxY9ZcoNxcMofN9qV7ZutjAgiJjQnFOJXlCL9TqkUxOcUEowFRrjcE/s320/Reform%203.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Soon Doc Norton is threatening to report the school’s inhumane conditions to the “Youth Authority Commission” – whatever that is – which doesn’t sit well with warden Sutter and head matron Edna. Sutter, of course, is played by the incomparable Sybil Danning, who for some reason is costumed in a black military jumpsuit and brandishes a riding crop. While Sybil’s…ahem…acting is generally the high point of any movie she’s in, here she unfortunately falls under the very generous shadow of Pat Ast as Edna. Pat is…well…umm…okay, there’s just no good way to describe this performance. To say Pat Ast is a force of nature is like saying a hurricane makes for a bad hair day. Looking a hell of a lot like Newman from “Seinfeld” in a bad red wig, Ast bellows her way through each and every scene as through she’s performing on the field at the Super Bowl without a microphone. Dialogue like “Just don’t stand there…bring me something’ to wipe my shoe,” coming from the lips of Pat Ast after she’s stomped a little kitten to death is the stuff of Tower Farm dreams. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEvXVMc881ma1PLpdL74X90umLvuq4UCanxddla65GGlQQSzcjUjLT-k-LLaqF8vHzwvHmm5yjaGgBkHPek86ynhWPCrRldwZk44KjgwxdSmpEGpQRjNaqvYd04vK2wzZ709MyfY09B67i/s1600/Reform+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEvXVMc881ma1PLpdL74X90umLvuq4UCanxddla65GGlQQSzcjUjLT-k-LLaqF8vHzwvHmm5yjaGgBkHPek86ynhWPCrRldwZk44KjgwxdSmpEGpQRjNaqvYd04vK2wzZ709MyfY09B67i/s320/Reform+6.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It would take way more time and patience than I have to go through every wonderful character and performance in this movie, but suffice it to say the reform school is full of memorable girls who deliver their insane dialogue with gusto. There’s also, of course, several shower scenes which fully showcase the expected 80s T&A – and even one very awkward sex scene with this hunk, who we’re supposed to believe Jenny falls for on first sight:</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsqtx_GdZ3G5oG-BPatapOG9Nv1FS4qu8rs3KiIL10tmssvLP3C11dw7KQbIjy9ZJEhZSW3WXZ2w4MTMQkhpGAZZk1YG3YkrzxC_UW-2phhiN_jlVYj5NVihvKKBoGUXcLri8wKOe4H2j-/s1600/Reform%205.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsqtx_GdZ3G5oG-BPatapOG9Nv1FS4qu8rs3KiIL10tmssvLP3C11dw7KQbIjy9ZJEhZSW3WXZ2w4MTMQkhpGAZZk1YG3YkrzxC_UW-2phhiN_jlVYj5NVihvKKBoGUXcLri8wKOe4H2j-/s320/Reform%205.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Of course, we all know where this is going…if you’ve ever seen a WIP film, you know there’s gonna be a final riot and the evil lesbian guards are gonna get theirs. In this case, the amazing finale brings us Edna climbing up the prison watchtower while firing off a shotgun and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. During this sequence, Wendy O. also happens to be shot right through the boob, but still retains the energy hijack the prison bus, climb on top of it while it’s still speeding along (by itself?), and scream “Burn, you bitch, burn!” before crashing it into the watchtower and causing a massive explosion.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_Bk3XXSIbI/AAAAAAAABVg/XmUbZbiIZRA/s1600/Reform+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S_Bk3XXSIbI/AAAAAAAABVg/XmUbZbiIZRA/s320/Reform+7.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Freakin’ brilliant.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Clearly <i>Reform School Girls</i> is a pinnacle of filmmaking – an achievement in many ways still unmatched to this day. What makes it all the more amazing is that it was directed with style and a huge sense of humor by Tom DeSimone, who also directed the style-less and completely-devoid-of-humor <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Hell%20Night%20%281981%29">Hell Night</a>. Of course, he was also apparently a prolific porn director, so I guess doing this movie was a little more his speed. Anyway, if you’ve never seen this movie, you must. And Scott, we owe you. BIG time.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">FOUR-AND-A-HALF FINGERS<br />
<br />
PS: Here's a little Wendy O. to get you primed for the movie! Ah, the days of great theme songs...<br />
<object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FJcf0qZdPW0&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FJcf0qZdPW0&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object></div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-953540939067300782010-05-20T17:01:00.000-07:002010-05-20T17:01:52.342-07:00Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhc4OsKZgdkrokdSSsiXFTuBnKbtPAzmw-Q0WtIsooEG1Lfkur5qYa6aMemEpworw1hlbA79_K7eKSYixK0cWqX3w0InBvg3W1bELdquZogR0xYzQIqIis8oZbNnTdjOCTDWnjqqZgBPBe/s1600/electric+head+pt+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhc4OsKZgdkrokdSSsiXFTuBnKbtPAzmw-Q0WtIsooEG1Lfkur5qYa6aMemEpworw1hlbA79_K7eKSYixK0cWqX3w0InBvg3W1bELdquZogR0xYzQIqIis8oZbNnTdjOCTDWnjqqZgBPBe/s320/electric+head+pt+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: JM<br />
<br />
Where do I even effing begin?<br />
<br />
I have written and rewritten this review about a half dozen times. There is just no explaining what I am watching here. There is no way to capture what this movie does to its audience. The only thing I am sure of is that it must be illegal, which explains why it is so freaking hard to find a print of the film.<br />
<br />
Let’s begin with a simple question: Have you seen the original <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Silent%20Night%20Deadly%20Night%20%281984%29">Silent Night, Deadly Night</a>? Well, if you did it was a complete waste of your time.<br />
<br />
Let me explain.<br />
<br />
After witnessing the violent death of his brother Billy (the Santa Claus costumed killer in the original movie), we find that Ricky has been institutionalized. As Ricky talks to his therapist about what happened to his family, the first half of the movie looks like this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdH5zr0LSypk7sAcfsix9uJ-33LTLSJQXtg43pT1rgsnj2QXYg-OrbNxtWji7IDxCYC-J9IHng6eVLnFHrYswg7B5ly45jypVdoyuoGF3MysIXz95Q_mg8Z6u0JEwckOm9mJOopMdhAGmg/s1600/expansive+set.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdH5zr0LSypk7sAcfsix9uJ-33LTLSJQXtg43pT1rgsnj2QXYg-OrbNxtWji7IDxCYC-J9IHng6eVLnFHrYswg7B5ly45jypVdoyuoGF3MysIXz95Q_mg8Z6u0JEwckOm9mJOopMdhAGmg/s320/expansive+set.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM1pkWU9-uOjJacziqOH_w_ZdMd5hyphenhyphen3pGnBKMObK5xsW8Bs9iywC7ndZhfU_yKAl9TmyEhyUy7zVvVO4bjBzS4vkrNP3_plYfRKDVXUjFRDClKk0M5JyztPojMloKELm4Ocnw0E5k79KTY/s1600/santas+slay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM1pkWU9-uOjJacziqOH_w_ZdMd5hyphenhyphen3pGnBKMObK5xsW8Bs9iywC7ndZhfU_yKAl9TmyEhyUy7zVvVO4bjBzS4vkrNP3_plYfRKDVXUjFRDClKk0M5JyztPojMloKELm4Ocnw0E5k79KTY/s320/santas+slay.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc_cBjvNxH2aAqowRfPAduLxw8dGlPpr584eYGuHDzF53x9JEHmLD11FMV5gVY9nNoAhjaY6rSadJvAwm-zxggpcJ1k-y9ntn_fXYHrhaC8CTECNAk-Gz8BifWTnTRy9GzTv4-iQr3N2s3/s1600/huh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="189" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc_cBjvNxH2aAqowRfPAduLxw8dGlPpr584eYGuHDzF53x9JEHmLD11FMV5gVY9nNoAhjaY6rSadJvAwm-zxggpcJ1k-y9ntn_fXYHrhaC8CTECNAk-Gz8BifWTnTRy9GzTv4-iQr3N2s3/s320/huh.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhADw0h-_oxegBGAkEkBykjlwCFt_1kMFnDyWvA9ZER4kPvPaIARtTqM9-qNhMsmDfYFPdTVZ6sSs6v1huJmlyEnA-CA0jg2yRCrvAQ1o1HjeBCABENl8s96jxw-LCnUosf6lKJnO4Uz4AN/s1600/more+part+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhADw0h-_oxegBGAkEkBykjlwCFt_1kMFnDyWvA9ZER4kPvPaIARtTqM9-qNhMsmDfYFPdTVZ6sSs6v1huJmlyEnA-CA0jg2yRCrvAQ1o1HjeBCABENl8s96jxw-LCnUosf6lKJnO4Uz4AN/s320/more+part+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifSTt8bPtO98R43-aGkmloXv_VPvjJYLWH6Wy5ml-zCvY1LsjDJ2Lf8y9CfHG-rvQxrAWo6txxraBaEW0wdVT10eq5zp_X3RfSEeyH_sDFgSlHqBMflnUMypnRe4fsX_oYvtSGMdWhwhnu/s1600/lil+ricky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifSTt8bPtO98R43-aGkmloXv_VPvjJYLWH6Wy5ml-zCvY1LsjDJ2Lf8y9CfHG-rvQxrAWo6txxraBaEW0wdVT10eq5zp_X3RfSEeyH_sDFgSlHqBMflnUMypnRe4fsX_oYvtSGMdWhwhnu/s320/lil+ricky.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnA6xuxD68cPWq2pdaNkQmjZSvn8zKyO5XaSPIVFM62q8Hc-D93GKcr2FWsGMREUAv5MtzEx2cKjMvDTOq_pUGnA6o5tdw3nDhE1mYBu4EucYJnXAU6oaZ9Ewlv1oU-04PXyZQ6KSl3JwF/s1600/libnea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnA6xuxD68cPWq2pdaNkQmjZSvn8zKyO5XaSPIVFM62q8Hc-D93GKcr2FWsGMREUAv5MtzEx2cKjMvDTOq_pUGnA6o5tdw3nDhE1mYBu4EucYJnXAU6oaZ9Ewlv1oU-04PXyZQ6KSl3JwF/s320/libnea.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In short, every shot above that is NOT of a guy in a blue shirt is from Part One. This goes on for the fist 39 minutes of this movie. <strong>The movie is only about 90 minutes long!</strong></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Finally, Ricky starts his own killing spree. And let me tell you, it is spectacular.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Ricky’s first kill involves a bully and an umbrella. Nice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx9jTJb-CYxeEI-sT7JdhQGDGNS7Ci6fDOQofbKdQbyvc0x7fhagCH4ShUJH4uHC8kUX3JA-WmLo7CyA55st_aTxfT5UO3w-wlf-4-7Eu-akLNM8XusUOwkBGfN-zWP4qiIFk0xcy4qUvL/s1600/umbrella+ay+ay+ay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx9jTJb-CYxeEI-sT7JdhQGDGNS7Ci6fDOQofbKdQbyvc0x7fhagCH4ShUJH4uHC8kUX3JA-WmLo7CyA55st_aTxfT5UO3w-wlf-4-7Eu-akLNM8XusUOwkBGfN-zWP4qiIFk0xcy4qUvL/s320/umbrella+ay+ay+ay.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Things do get pretty confusing though during the movie theater scene. I hope you are sitting down. Ricky goes on a date…to see the movie…<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><em><strong>SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT?!?!</strong></em></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">What in the hell is going on here?! Not only is the director using the first movie to continue to pad the time of this installment… this doesn’t even come close to making any sense! This is just lazy/crazy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">So, at this point, I have to declare this to be the greatest sequel ever made. </div><br />
The killing spree continues, really climaxing with the infamous “garbage day” sequence that must be seen to be believed.<br />
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And there you have it. Every good scene from Part One is in this movie. So, in essence, this movie is really two movies in one. That is what we at Tower Farm call genius. For an even more confusing continuation in the storyline, see <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Silent%20Night%20Deadly%20Night%203%3A%20Better%20Watch%20Out%20%281989%29">Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out</a>. Not to give too much away, but Ricky is brought back from the dead and he stalks a blind woman…. And Ricky’s brain is exposed through some sort of mixing-bowl helmet. Oh, just read the review.<br />
<br />
FIVE FINGERS!!!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-22282611752982501182010-05-13T11:59:00.001-07:002010-05-13T13:39:46.877-07:00Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)<div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMv_p6vFI/AAAAAAAABU0/cojLyjC7JDQ/s1600/Silent4.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMv_p6vFI/AAAAAAAABU0/cojLyjC7JDQ/s320/Silent4.png" width="320" height="152" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">Reviewed By: Billy</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">Being that here in the mid-Atlantic spring is in full force – which means the onset of hot & humid days – I felt it was the perfect time to cool off by watching the refreshingly brainless <em>Silent Night, Deadly Night</em>. This is the movie that famously set off an outcry from dorky PTA parents across the country, who took offense to the idea of a loveable Santa Claus killing off people. If any of these people had bothered to actually see the movie, I’m sure they would’ve been much more offended by other things...i.e. the complete lack of plot/talent involved. But, to each his own. </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">Anyway,<em> Silent Night, Deadly Night</em> opens on Christmas Eve, 1971, with a loveable family of four in a car who pull over to help a man in a Santa suit stranded on the roadside. Turns out Santa is actually a gun-toting crook who shoots up the father and rips open the mother’s shirt before killing her – conveniently giving the audience its first gratuitous boob shot. I know this will surprise you, being that this is an early 80’s slasher, but there are many more to come.</div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKdCGhYcsCUkJYD9zk9ax6gN04n-1dexkE-yT-HmjbY_mokdcUwr9nkuslf-tK0VtW6SAuiWiMV_08XVw0VCw6WG4sYf5D7br6stDfpoHS_kGTGhhhCMcEclI66qruHbdDo4HNsn_qToTu/s1600/Silent1.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKdCGhYcsCUkJYD9zk9ax6gN04n-1dexkE-yT-HmjbY_mokdcUwr9nkuslf-tK0VtW6SAuiWiMV_08XVw0VCw6WG4sYf5D7br6stDfpoHS_kGTGhhhCMcEclI66qruHbdDo4HNsn_qToTu/s320/Silent1.png" width="320" height="147" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Flash forward years later, and the two kids are now living at Saint Mary’s Home For Orphaned Children. As with every other movie orphanage, this is not a happy place; it’s lorded over by an evil nun who abuses the kids and says things like “Punishment is absolute. Punishment is necessary. Punishment is good.” In other words, she’s the nun equivalent of the cruel lesbian warden in Women In Prison films. Poor little Billy, the oldest son who witnessed his parents die, gets the brunt of Mother Superior’s anger, especially after he spies two older kids in the school having sex. This scene – less than 20 minutes in – gives us gratuitous boob shot #2, for those keeping score. Mother Superior goes so far as to force Billy to sit on Santa’s lap, which results in Billy tossing off a right hook worthy of Mike Tyson. Seriously, the sound effect of a boxing K.O. dubbed to match the moment a little boy’s hand meets Santa’s face is a moment I re-wound at least four times; it’s endlessly entertaining. </div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMftO838I/AAAAAAAABUs/bL9z5rsJEZ4/s1600/Silent2.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMftO838I/AAAAAAAABUs/bL9z5rsJEZ4/s320/Silent2.png" width="320" height="140" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">Thankfully, showing Billy some kindness is Sister Margaret, blessed with the sunny optimism and butch pageboy haircut of Julie Andrews in <em>The Sound of Music</em>. Ten years after belting Santa, little Billy has grown up to become a strapping young lad, and Sister Margaret finds him a job at a local toy store. This leads us to a wonderful montage of Billy learning the ropes of retail, set to a Pete Seger sound-alike singing about the happiness of the holidays. I personally believe this satisfying montage led directly to the opening credits of “Family Ties” – so I’m eternally grateful to it. </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">It’s also worth noting that grown-up Billy is…well…hot. For the ladies and gays among us, <em>Silent Night, Deadly Night</em> has the distinction of being perhaps the first & only slasher to gift us with a “Playgirl” centerfold-worthy madman. And, being that this is a genre that doesn’t usually throw us a…ahem…bone, I’d like to thank director Charles E. Sellier, Jr. for both not making Billy ugly and for throwing in gratuitous boob shot #3, which also includes a gratuitous Billy butt shot:</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMp5EFgyI/AAAAAAAABUw/54dGmT18_1g/s1600/Silent3.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xMp5EFgyI/AAAAAAAABUw/54dGmT18_1g/s320/Silent3.png" width="320" height="138" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">Oh, and for the straights among you, don’t stop reading this yet…topless Linnea Quigley is just minutes away.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">So Christmas-time comes and Billy goes berserk; forced to dress up as Old Saint Nick, he kills his co-workers and his reign of terror begins. He also starts quoting Mother Superior, babbling about how “punishment is necessary” while killing those he believes are being naughty. In this way, he’s a lot like Angela in <em>Sleepaway Camp 2 & 3</em>; they’re also alike in the fact that they both have penises. In fact, now that I think about it, a Billy & Angela combo movie would be awesome. Expect a script by my brother and me to make the rounds very soon.</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">Billy’s first victims outside the toy store are Linnea and her boyfriend, two random people who happen to be having sex as Billy is walking by. Linnea, looking for her cat, makes the gargantuan mistake of opening her front door without a top on (which seems a strange move in the middle of winter, but what do I know?), which leads to her being impaled topless on a convenient pair of deer antlers. This scene is awesome, and the minute & a half that Linnea Quigly is on screen here is without a doubt her best performance ever (although her turn as a deaf-mute in <em>Savage Streets</em> is pretty wonderful). </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xM2n4FfyI/AAAAAAAABU4/HLa7d8vj20c/s1600/Silent5.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xM2n4FfyI/AAAAAAAABU4/HLa7d8vj20c/s320/Silent5.png" width="320" height="137" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: left; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator">The growing list of victims soon has police searching for Santa – and using Sister Margaret to help track him down. In this sense, the chipper nun kind of becomes this movie’s Dr. Loomis, albeit one without Donald Pleasence's tobacco-stained beard. Sister Margaret has the sudden and brilliant realization that Billy’s heading back to the orphanage to kill Mother Superior – something that a 5 year-old could have figured out – and Billy is shot to death seconds before hacking up Mother Superior in her wheelchair. Why the audience is deprived of seeing the old lady get beheaded is beyond me…but, whatever. The final image is of Billy’s little brother, who’s just witnessed the whole thing…and with this brilliantly done pissed-face, a franchise is born: </div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; TEXT-ALIGN: center; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; CLEAR: both; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xM_wV5ASI/AAAAAAAABU8/qF5Q-MLY7MU/s1600/Silent6.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-xM_wV5ASI/AAAAAAAABU8/qF5Q-MLY7MU/s320/Silent6.png" width="320" height="143" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">So, this movie is 85-minutes of pure genius. Any movie that pisses off conservative moms is okay with me, and especially if said movie has some eye candy doing the dirty work. But, as we always say at Tower Farm, sequels are better than the originals. And so, with part 2, the real brilliance would begin. And with that…stay tuned for JM’s upcoming review of <em>Silent Night, Deadly Night 2</em>!</div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none"><br /></div><div style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none">FOUR FINGERS!!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-18966624127824895152010-05-09T16:10:00.000-07:002010-05-09T16:22:59.565-07:00The Funhouse (1981)<div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-2ass_fI/AAAAAAAABT0/oXJ5Wvl5520/s1600/Funhouse_Funhouse.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-2ass_fI/AAAAAAAABT0/oXJ5Wvl5520/s320/Funhouse_Funhouse.png" width="320" height="136" tt="true" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br /><br />Somehow this is the first time I’m seeing Tobe Hooper’s <em>The Funhouse</em>. Could be because I’m somewhat afraid of clowns…could be because I’ve seen <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Tobe%20Hooper%27s%20Night%20Terrors%20%281993%29">Tobe Hooper's Night Terrors</a>, and therefore am scared off of anything the director did other than <em>The Texas Chain Saw Massacre</em>. Anyway, I’ve recently been in need of a new-to-me 80s slasher; you guys know how it is…when you’ve popped in <em>Slumber Party Massacre 2</em> one too many times and find yourself looking for hidden political subtext in the dialogue (which, by the way, I’m sure I’ve discovered…and it’s brilliant). So, I figured it was time to give this one the old college try.<br /><br />Anyway, <em>The Funhouse</em> concerns exactly what you think it does – a bunch of kids (smoking pot…having sex…) who spend the night in a traveling carnival and end up stalked by a mutant killer. Final girl Amy is played by Elizabeth Berridge, whose career would go from the Oscar-winning<em> Amadeus</em> to playing the cop in the post-“Night Court” John Larroquette sitcom. As you can she, she has quite a diverse resume.<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOLO7GkxNCXLpLSwSaEw469Uadm1CgCtoORuX6cwFZQNpcgdOlG-31n0-n8CdJLWyJNuS4HmXnFwSFoAMV8ETBBqjDU_-DzPz51EPkXRruNIBnc1MQSuE6rP1nqKOjIFFOQ76X6xmPpQDx/s1600/Funhouse_Elizabeth.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOLO7GkxNCXLpLSwSaEw469Uadm1CgCtoORuX6cwFZQNpcgdOlG-31n0-n8CdJLWyJNuS4HmXnFwSFoAMV8ETBBqjDU_-DzPz51EPkXRruNIBnc1MQSuE6rP1nqKOjIFFOQ76X6xmPpQDx/s320/Funhouse_Elizabeth.png" width="320" height="137" tt="true" /></a></div>Amy is a smart, plucky virgin who – like Jamie Lee before her – seems to have absolutely nothing in common with the friends she’d hanging out with. How do these girls end up in the “cool” groups, anyway? When I was in high school, girls like Laurie Strode and Amy usually spent lunch in the art room because nobody would sit with them in the cafeteria. I know this because I, too, spent lunch in the art rooms. Anyhoo, the quartet twits finally end up in the actual funhouse, which looks disturbingly like Disney World’s “It’s A Small World” ride…although I’d say the puppets like the one below are actually less creepy than the real thing in Orlando:<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2y6ZrBajVD58F-zWMSpHY43y5e3PDcY-2CE0xNEyOzYNmLmfPcY_StatppU4ItCyONeDYnpU1AdCDacRx4Gewp90WNe7K9cfeB8WopUFXqetkgrLPfeAC2eiv9JX_c4miczZpfvdnviS8/s1600/Funhouse_Puppet.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2y6ZrBajVD58F-zWMSpHY43y5e3PDcY-2CE0xNEyOzYNmLmfPcY_StatppU4ItCyONeDYnpU1AdCDacRx4Gewp90WNe7K9cfeB8WopUFXqetkgrLPfeAC2eiv9JX_c4miczZpfvdnviS8/s320/Funhouse_Puppet.png" width="320" height="138" tt="true" /></a></div>Inside the funhouse, the kids spy a Frankenstein-masked carnival worker getting a handjob from an old fortuneteller, then killing her. Amazingly, this scene <em>is</em> actually a little classier than it sounds. The fortuneteller, by the way, is played by Sylvia Miles…who’s kind of cornered the market on crazy old broad roles. Anyway, the kids make a half-assed attempt to escape the funhouse, only to realize they’re locked in by steel doors. Umm…guys…here’s the thing: this is a traveling carnival. Chances are you could just punch your arms through the walls and knock them down.<br /><br />Unfortunately, the kids make the colossal mistake of trying to steal some money on the way out – which tips off the carnival owner that someone else is in the funhouse. And so…let the killings begin! The owner, you see, is the Frankenstein-masked killer’s father. And let me tell you, this guy is pretty nutty…which becomes totally understandable once we learn that under the mask, his son looks like this:<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-_oQZBqI/AAAAAAAABT4/JiJaY9Z7YUc/s1600/Funhouse_Monster.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-_oQZBqI/AAAAAAAABT4/JiJaY9Z7YUc/s320/Funhouse_Monster.png" width="320" height="131" tt="true" /></a></div>(This, by the way, also explains why our father – Ralph Merrye – is a nutcase, considering my brother JM looks a lot like that picture, too.)<br /><br />So…for the next twenty minutes the father & son stalk the kids, resulting in some decent death scenes that are fun, though perhaps not quite worthy of the man who brought us women dangling from meathooks (and <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Tobe%20Hooper%27s%20Night%20Terrors%20%281993%29">bouncing penises on horseback</a>). The final showdown between Amy and the mutant kid is a great sequence, though, fully utilizing the creepiness of the funhouse puppets and the rusty mechanics of the ride…until Amy inadvertently electrocutes the mutant killer, resulting in an image a little too reminiscent of Christopher Lloyd in <em>Back To The Future</em>, and thus strangely heartwarming:<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-LEFT: 1em; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-xGNr8PI/AAAAAAAABTs/crVDSPPhF0U/s1600/Funhouse_Electrocution.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S-c-xGNr8PI/AAAAAAAABTs/crVDSPPhF0U/s320/Funhouse_Electrocution.png" width="320" height="137" tt="true" /></a></div>Anyway, I’m glad I finally saw <em>The Funhouse</em>, though I’m also not sorry I waited all these years to do so. Tobe Hooper has had some wild career swings over the years, and clearly this is one of his better efforts quality-wise. Like <em>Scream</em> after it, this movie references virtually every horror movie ever made, with homages to <em>Halloween, Psycho</em>, and all the Universal Monsters. It’s a surefire way to win over real critics, who immediately claim the movie is “smart” and “witty.” Of course, here at Tower Farm, we fake critics much prefer “dumb” and “witless.” So that’s my issue with the movie. Tobe’s next one after this was <em>Poltergeist</em>, and both are a little too slick for my tastes. I much prefer the the dirt cheap, gutter charm of <em>Chain Saw</em>...and even, dare I say, the man who brought us <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Tobe%20Hooper%27s%20Night%20Terrors%20%281993%29">Robert Englund seemingly covering cold sores with cakey makeup</a>. Now<em> that's</em> scary.<br /><br />THREE FINGERS!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-46753024448347682792010-05-05T06:39:00.000-07:002010-05-05T10:38:10.543-07:00The Wiz (1978)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9s6V9FLbau0n_8-j0nkH4I3oXMEXN9fCO4GIW4WpxT1E2wehYX2xaOveXa_G1-XlU3vBfFlGoFFc-jYnAXy1_N_qne_PbhzHAKwZYDSKVA_bb9LoHvA3LtDvCiQc9SvbQtJAnKHBTuH20/s1600/Wiz_4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9s6V9FLbau0n_8-j0nkH4I3oXMEXN9fCO4GIW4WpxT1E2wehYX2xaOveXa_G1-XlU3vBfFlGoFFc-jYnAXy1_N_qne_PbhzHAKwZYDSKVA_bb9LoHvA3LtDvCiQc9SvbQtJAnKHBTuH20/s320/Wiz_4.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="171" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><br />Just in case anyone’s wondering why a review of <i>The Wiz</i> is showing up here at Tower Farm, look no further than 13 minutes into this movie, when this happens:<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg_16Dc4hgb6Ql6-gpBFWaOAm4UpX6qbnHwgxnE1QGM3xuftBX1PZZss3pABzZ-jBEqHbAZ0wHC5gTKpkZoZpH2Ri3RzcvjuA8LaSFFgeWwGFLmAcNqDsEPhcLqzXScq9ZWjC7gcS5D3hl/s1600/Wiz_1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg_16Dc4hgb6Ql6-gpBFWaOAm4UpX6qbnHwgxnE1QGM3xuftBX1PZZss3pABzZ-jBEqHbAZ0wHC5gTKpkZoZpH2Ri3RzcvjuA8LaSFFgeWwGFLmAcNqDsEPhcLqzXScq9ZWjC7gcS5D3hl/s320/Wiz_1.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="184" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">Yes, people, that is Lena Horne floating in space, surrounded by a bunch of little people in glittery blue suits. If ever there was a terrifying image deserving a place at The Farm, this is it.</div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">Anyway, <i>The Wiz</i> is a remake of <i>The Wizard of Oz</i> – and to be more exact, an adaptation of the Broadway musical <i>The Wiz</i>, which took the familiar characters of Dorothy, the Scarecrow, etc. and used an all African-American cast and a more modern, soulful score to tell the story of Oz. The original 1939 movie is, of course, one of the most popular ever made, and the Broadway show was a smash hit, scoring several Tony Awards and launching many a career. This movie – featuring an all-star cast and an enormous budget – crashed and burned harder than Dorothy’s house came down on top of the Wicked Witch. </div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">Given that the formula for Tower Farm success goes something like this: classic + remake + giant budget – good ideas = BRILLIANCE (see: <i>Rob Zombie’s Halloween</i>, <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Black%20Christmas%20%282006%29">Black X-mas</a>)…I stand by my decision to review this movie.</div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><i>The Wiz</i> opens with what many critics at the time probably felt was a startlingly appropriate image:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoD0E46ucbyNLnW7ZbBVRVtpq2B9nGUvHbRa2bMqq_Bih75GJGaxnTKeV5qRvtHXYU-oOZvPkGhBM3CWijtlK6xnt90s_vp13cm7D53ma5lb71L0PoCImw-no9VJgPHvH2qyer_Cd0o9zi/s1600/Wiz_2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoD0E46ucbyNLnW7ZbBVRVtpq2B9nGUvHbRa2bMqq_Bih75GJGaxnTKeV5qRvtHXYU-oOZvPkGhBM3CWijtlK6xnt90s_vp13cm7D53ma5lb71L0PoCImw-no9VJgPHvH2qyer_Cd0o9zi/s320/Wiz_2.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="173" /></a></div>It’s the holidays, you see, and Dorothy is about to be swept away to the world of Oz. We all know young Judy Garland originated this role, and on Broadway teenager Stephanie Mills wowed the crowds. Here, we get the one and only Diana Ross…trying mightily to slip her 34-year-old feet into a pre-teen pair of shoes. Now, other than this little crack about her age, I refuse to utter a bad word about Miss Ross. As longtime readers know, I am a Diana Ross fan. Actually, I’m a fan in the way Michael Biehn was a fan in <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Fan%20%281981%29">The Fan</a> (where he was obsessed with Lauren Bacall, playing a diva named Miss Ross…coincidence?). In other words, yes, sometimes I sit at home pretending to have dinner with her and often find myself snipping out little pictures of her from magazines and inserting them into my own photo albums. I live and breathe Diana Ross, and will not apologize for it. And just in case you don’t believe me, my brother JM will be happy to tell you about the time I dragged him to one of her concerts and then spent the entire evening crying. Seriously. Here’s the tour program:<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9cEpio41ZvCcTYTcrlM-j-T9C0MLbQW2grV2WVyYOxfXQlqThZO2xChV_SGH_QsIk_OMm2CQ3wqnYwhyphenhyphenPa4y5zpZO5xb-h4GMMhjTbYYjpqLOZ9owCGoJyLLhS2UYhdOxIYh6_o1iE1YI/s1600/Diana.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9cEpio41ZvCcTYTcrlM-j-T9C0MLbQW2grV2WVyYOxfXQlqThZO2xChV_SGH_QsIk_OMm2CQ3wqnYwhyphenhyphenPa4y5zpZO5xb-h4GMMhjTbYYjpqLOZ9owCGoJyLLhS2UYhdOxIYh6_o1iE1YI/s1600/Diana.jpg" tt="true" border="0" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Admittedly, Diana’s cropped afro look isn’t her most flattering, but the real scares begin when she gets blown to Oz by a kind of blizzard-tornado hybrid (Now <i>there's</i> a <i>Syfy</i> movie title if I've ever heard one), and is immediately greeted by frightening paper-doll figures emerging from the walls and maniacally repeating “To-to” in unison. I can only imagine kids in 1978, seeing this in theatres, running down the aisles screaming at this horrifying sequence. Oz, you see, is a graffiti-covered urban wasteland resembling Tony Todd’s lair in <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Candyman%203%3A%20Day%20of%20the%20Dead%20%281999%29">Candyman 3: Day Of The Dead</a>. No, no…there are no rainbows and poppies here. Instead, Dorothy seems have to fallen straight onto the set of <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Dressed%20To%20Kill%20%281980%29">Dressed To Kill</a> as envisioned by Jim Henson.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The film actually becomes a journey from one terrifying set-piece to the next; whether surrounded by giant cigar-smoking crows or trapped in a subway being menaced by sinister garbage cans, Dorothy seems to be descending into the very pit of Hell. There is no way anyone in their right mind could have thought this movie would qualify as a family-friendly musical…unless that person was thinking about my family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Speaking of my family…did I mention that there’s a prolonged sequence featuring cigarette-smoke hissing prostitutes?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE52v6sU6sX31NdlFwrsdDRNatoafvYQdyhzd3W7wRckqoLFSyjywOcWLHVpmmHnw5A27OM4_Y3NgpvX6jtvtuf-e2tzhPlsB8KTb1vyEarfa0NZLW4B-Kipc76dsAyoWp2j_Xwh5TaXD-/s1600/Wiz_5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE52v6sU6sX31NdlFwrsdDRNatoafvYQdyhzd3W7wRckqoLFSyjywOcWLHVpmmHnw5A27OM4_Y3NgpvX6jtvtuf-e2tzhPlsB8KTb1vyEarfa0NZLW4B-Kipc76dsAyoWp2j_Xwh5TaXD-/s320/Wiz_5.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="175" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Along the way, of course, Dorothy picks up her collection of friends, including the Scarecrow. Now, the DVD box says something about Michael Jackson playing the Scarecrow…however, I’ve seen The Wiz multiple times and have yet to spot the Michael Jackson I know in it. I am, however, glad to see that Al Roker was doing such fine work early in his career.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJtxykz_0rmYKey_HG16e_hMU7wXe92wVgH7X2nWP-3RdSfMzLQfOAFBJ26h1_JT-b50PuvIlnfR6QBifTkzUJsf5yVtpxHleSeZ7YOwAMlQk8xuMpT3_-j9jv0Z-hgldxuGRf8WCwToqO/s1600/Wiz_3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJtxykz_0rmYKey_HG16e_hMU7wXe92wVgH7X2nWP-3RdSfMzLQfOAFBJ26h1_JT-b50PuvIlnfR6QBifTkzUJsf5yVtpxHleSeZ7YOwAMlQk8xuMpT3_-j9jv0Z-hgldxuGRf8WCwToqO/s320/Wiz_3.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="172" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">As if the hookers aren’t bad enough, The Wiz next literally lays out the groundwork for the <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Saw%20II%20%282005%29">Saw</a> movies, torture contraption by torture contraption. Dorothy and the gang are chased through a parking garage and end up in an underground sweatshop, in which the Scarecrow is buzz-sawed in half, the Tin Man is melted alive, and the Lion is strung up by his tail. The culprit, meanwhile, is this hideous creature, surely the most chilling horror villain this side of the invisible chicken demon of <a href="http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/Paranormal%20Activity%20%282009%29">Paranormal Activity</a>:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOw1tD2jnWdGuHdvaae5s6G486u-g5aySPwcOL2rXPx-o3bogrH61-JjyXNpPbFG1hAN-3st3Iky4nk6RDkwuRjMqdS-YKFSmkloPZltUFEz6_4MzOtcVlNO5IqDkdto2H_HcgzIuyQMqP/s1600/Wiz_6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOw1tD2jnWdGuHdvaae5s6G486u-g5aySPwcOL2rXPx-o3bogrH61-JjyXNpPbFG1hAN-3st3Iky4nk6RDkwuRjMqdS-YKFSmkloPZltUFEz6_4MzOtcVlNO5IqDkdto2H_HcgzIuyQMqP/s320/Wiz_6.png" tt="true" width="320" border="0" height="171" /></a></div>Anyway, more than two hours after it all began, we find out that “home” was inside Dorothy all along, and mercifully she’s transported out of the fiery depths of Hell back to New York City…which, depending on who you ask, might not be such an upgrade. But thank God she’s far, far away from those paper-doll people and the carnivorous garbage cans.<br /><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">Anyway, other than being way too long (I was able to cook an entire meal, eat it, and wash my dishes during ONE of the musical sequences), this movie is pretty awesome. It scared the hell out of me as a kid, and still does as an adult. Being that I love Diana Ross and bombastic movies, this combination is a winner. The only major disappointment, again, is that JM and I can’t find Michael Jackson anywhere in this movie. </div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="border: medium none ; clear: both; text-align: left;">FOUR FINGERS!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-2908534797906085792010-04-28T09:27:00.000-07:002010-04-28T09:27:46.467-07:00Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhClat9JfmpKTYfTSl1yRpo4xKZohhy4D4Uh5TLc5bjHvTpxpuiWLthCug0vg-rBM7DW5FMZ6y2Zkp-pVNFlp7HNPapyw8q_XSp-OMmssFMuXBPKXBQnPeSMKdJNY5b8eZYrbEyDc2UrgX_/s1600/allgood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhClat9JfmpKTYfTSl1yRpo4xKZohhy4D4Uh5TLc5bjHvTpxpuiWLthCug0vg-rBM7DW5FMZ6y2Zkp-pVNFlp7HNPapyw8q_XSp-OMmssFMuXBPKXBQnPeSMKdJNY5b8eZYrbEyDc2UrgX_/s320/allgood.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>by JM <br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal">Look, I’m no theologist and I certainly am not an expert on ancient cultures and customs. I have, however, seen <i>Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers</i> and <i>The Guardian</i>. So, I feel that I am something of an expert when it comes to Druids. And if there is one thing I am fairly certain of, it is this: The Druids are not God’s chosen people to fight Satan as he tries to bring the apocalypse. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcMq0m4PfZFrJMi_WzZW5pwIzULHacnQSxClNRO6ycZn6reYCBysK1ltRk2MTypl8yZUm6ASoM9VJSg86VqvpCnWpob5DaIwjYtbMBpPod2hVmJFSAtCrc8ryLw2wTLkomzNdCqkWkg8fn/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcMq0m4PfZFrJMi_WzZW5pwIzULHacnQSxClNRO6ycZn6reYCBysK1ltRk2MTypl8yZUm6ASoM9VJSg86VqvpCnWpob5DaIwjYtbMBpPod2hVmJFSAtCrc8ryLw2wTLkomzNdCqkWkg8fn/s320/b.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yet, no joke, this is the crux of the premise of <i>Warlock: The Armageddon</i>. In fact, even the Catholic Priest in this film is aware of this. There is just no argument. The Druids are the chosen warriors to fight for Christianity. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Huh.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, as you might guess, the second <i>Warlock</i> movie is just no holds barred, batshit crazy.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Natasha Henstridge reprises the role of the Warlock in this sequel. I mean Julian Sands does. Easy mistake. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVFu35mRiop2PG1C71ZaDIvJG5yy2UHl22LhaZZs6ZoW2O3O5Qkiq5hSivC9IIBrpmzszK2uqU0mUjHgk-CUTWrv9ndga30cq0U1wcJCvnI3bTr5E30vVpaMbRmRNYkxAbdJjBsJeg6i_/s1600/natashahenstridge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwVFu35mRiop2PG1C71ZaDIvJG5yy2UHl22LhaZZs6ZoW2O3O5Qkiq5hSivC9IIBrpmzszK2uqU0mUjHgk-CUTWrv9ndga30cq0U1wcJCvnI3bTr5E30vVpaMbRmRNYkxAbdJjBsJeg6i_/s320/natashahenstridge.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We find out early on that Satan has resurrected his only son in so that the Warlock may find a half dozen rune stones. These stones, for reasons never really explained, are key to destroying humanity.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The Warlock’s resurrection, by the way, is notable for two reasons. Firstly, it is a complete rip off of <i>Xtro</i> (with a little <i>Hellraiser</i> thrown in), in that a woman is suddenly pregnant and gives birth to a fully-grown man. Secondly, this scene offers the only nudity in the movie… a full frontal Julian Sands. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWK1UYiRXCUmJezybl3K-qRvxMFcCwENrCKGxPP7cAASP5ld9eFBkw_9JgmGiw0kZcojto1kUjXKN-tUeLXErq7WhuTM8L6k8ZtJwG5e19beur8SavPxsyNnWd2Znbi0JW4Sk21iG_PjJ9/s1600/full%20frontal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWK1UYiRXCUmJezybl3K-qRvxMFcCwENrCKGxPP7cAASP5ld9eFBkw_9JgmGiw0kZcojto1kUjXKN-tUeLXErq7WhuTM8L6k8ZtJwG5e19beur8SavPxsyNnWd2Znbi0JW4Sk21iG_PjJ9/s320/full%20frontal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not to get too far ahead of myself, but these ancient and powerful stones are held by individuals such as a NYC fashion model (using one as an earring), a carnival man, some random girl that puts a stone around her neck before going on a date (claiming it is a family heirloom). <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Honestly, this kind of stupidity is pretty rare in movies. I mean, was the writer a thirteen-year-old fan of the original movie? In any case, it certainly makes it pretty easy for the Warlock to get these stones.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In fact, the only catch is that the owner must willingly hand over the stone to the Warlock. He mentions that this is one of the rules (of course, this is never explained). So, for a good deal of the movie, the Warlock acts exactly like the Wishmaster. He tricks people into handing him the stones, in exchange for wishes fulfilled.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Like Freddy Kruger before him, ol’ Locky becomes something of a yuckter in this installment. My favorite of these moments comes when a hitchhiker asks him about how her hair looks. He rips it off of her head and hands her the scalp saying, “See for yourself”.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS4qn3BokbZrDqfZmGM6KpPgzvBfKkAHB31THp-kLVs1caHoMhxRWTlja3E2na2svkhM_v-xygDtFpOtQyN9rHnME-_7YybnCM-PuvtIWNHZuX36juvWmWuTj4OBymZOxdHC5KW_t8CYQE/s1600/seeforyourself.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS4qn3BokbZrDqfZmGM6KpPgzvBfKkAHB31THp-kLVs1caHoMhxRWTlja3E2na2svkhM_v-xygDtFpOtQyN9rHnME-_7YybnCM-PuvtIWNHZuX36juvWmWuTj4OBymZOxdHC5KW_t8CYQE/s320/seeforyourself.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyhow, a couple of teenagers turn out to be Druid warriors. One is played by Paula Marshall. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyeGCMBwu3fYejb-PZB0HMBbn99LDDcykXOI5P2DhXhXcS0j1H5WCES4KNnHh6bZ8mj6WLEijvggD0D4SRQBfq1gBeKSkYTXHwNVVchYPtEz8V9Si2lpnzY3Ig2AwgBl9oN8EMJZGmO6Gg/s1600/paula%20marshall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyeGCMBwu3fYejb-PZB0HMBbn99LDDcykXOI5P2DhXhXcS0j1H5WCES4KNnHh6bZ8mj6WLEijvggD0D4SRQBfq1gBeKSkYTXHwNVVchYPtEz8V9Si2lpnzY3Ig2AwgBl9oN8EMJZGmO6Gg/s320/paula%20marshall.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Paula Marshall is probably best known as the young woman who “outed” Jerry and George in the “not that there’s anything wrong with it” episode of Seinfeld. She has also appears as a regular in the show <i>Californication</i>. We at Tower Farm will always love her for being the strange goth girl in <i>Hellraiser 3: Hell On Earth</i>.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, Paula Marshall’s character is established at the beginning of the movie, then just kind of disappears for about 40 minutes. Toward the end, she is brought back in a nonsensical turn of events where it is revealed that two warriors are needed to fight the son of Satan.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The main Druid throughout this movie is Andy. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_L9uKyM_QxrMho-Qx7EpWewIl3mKJgc4KyE4cLkEXqvGdMZU4vPWlGM42xuRv9QeFJCnrvIS36p0tbI2Op42TsJRvHV-G2YrpTS9zxtQI47mbwcy0YVsiOHsT_sP5y-6YVSOugWVGj8hQ/s1600/andy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_L9uKyM_QxrMho-Qx7EpWewIl3mKJgc4KyE4cLkEXqvGdMZU4vPWlGM42xuRv9QeFJCnrvIS36p0tbI2Op42TsJRvHV-G2YrpTS9zxtQI47mbwcy0YVsiOHsT_sP5y-6YVSOugWVGj8hQ/s320/andy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Andy is killed by his Dad and some hillbilly, then brought back to life to fight the Warlock… as prophesized by the Druid faith… or something. Unfortunately, a whole lot of his training involves using mind control to toss around a baseball.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGvDoJC18NbmxG05SDG7-ut5OF4eIKZEJwZQvYI800voxLsDg0l2e3-KcWeTIRhCX9zePBDRRaLaPGz1nWyUW1KiME1S8r9wc4QUMebMnouev1SfcMH1ZLva9cv5xiegHGqoT2DZEpAPoR/s1600/baller.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGvDoJC18NbmxG05SDG7-ut5OF4eIKZEJwZQvYI800voxLsDg0l2e3-KcWeTIRhCX9zePBDRRaLaPGz1nWyUW1KiME1S8r9wc4QUMebMnouev1SfcMH1ZLva9cv5xiegHGqoT2DZEpAPoR/s320/baller.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Oh, God, are those scenes cheap and boring.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Anyway, the Warlock gets the stones one by one. In order to get the final stone, though, the Warlock cuts off the arm of the guy holding it. In my opinion, this is a bit of a cheat when it comes to the rule about people willing handing these things over. I mean, if it was that easy, why didn't he just cut off the limbs of everyone else instead of wasting time tricking them? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, the kids fight the Warlock. There is a bunch of half-assed Jedi mind stuff going on until finally, the boy gets a knife to go into the Warlock, abruptly turning our villain into a 1980’s Italian zombie.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1nyr3aSqY1LP5H51TvVUutoPQnzm-9Fk2RkR9gPaBUD3fXIBGP76IpKZ4nxsvqZEum7YkAC15tRc7oPBq6E5dIb0ivE8hO7KL-gARUaK1I5UDYuo62w24QLEo8MsFj9qlf1Mv6qQK6-TR/s1600/gross.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1nyr3aSqY1LP5H51TvVUutoPQnzm-9Fk2RkR9gPaBUD3fXIBGP76IpKZ4nxsvqZEum7YkAC15tRc7oPBq6E5dIb0ivE8hO7KL-gARUaK1I5UDYuo62w24QLEo8MsFj9qlf1Mv6qQK6-TR/s320/gross.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, the movie is a little boring. However, it earns points in its brazen attempts to rip off more successful franchises (<i>A Nightmare On Elm Street</i>, <i>Hellraiser</i>). Frankly, I also find its stupidity to be kind of brave. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Two and a half fingers!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-10634373428215641232010-04-24T06:20:00.000-07:002010-04-24T06:21:37.182-07:00Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness (2004)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIRxKt1VoiaSEM67tcBj5-kICnW9xB_EvSLg8lJWVsUDNztgAJAumojGpGBCYv2s6kOhcPnBxxhKKJluoD9aUhkNNnBFf0d-N39KDgGL3LM9GKA39NnwvzMnzozq2Qz84EgFHe7aY9aKl4/s1600/1st.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIRxKt1VoiaSEM67tcBj5-kICnW9xB_EvSLg8lJWVsUDNztgAJAumojGpGBCYv2s6kOhcPnBxxhKKJluoD9aUhkNNnBFf0d-N39KDgGL3LM9GKA39NnwvzMnzozq2Qz84EgFHe7aY9aKl4/s320/1st.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="179" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal">Reviewed By: JM</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">An underrated little gem, for sure, <i>Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness</i> is exactly the kind of move that we at Tower Farm love to champion. Frankly, how could a movie starring the title character from <i>Eddie and the Cruisers</i> battling flying demons that are every bit as convincing as Jessica Rabbit go wrong?<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVOxvMfAVFvT2sRBqT0izXQPSc2jtWTxU7SSqRMkWi1NwJF1jIc6KJfAG3ILJMgq1FPu9UNwFsN-MsdLMzZSxrK_O0I3uYEi9FYsCkYJ6VGNxvou9WwbLbkcF3krXDvCR8U1XhLQ1xrnyq/s1600/realistic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVOxvMfAVFvT2sRBqT0izXQPSc2jtWTxU7SSqRMkWi1NwJF1jIc6KJfAG3ILJMgq1FPu9UNwFsN-MsdLMzZSxrK_O0I3uYEi9FYsCkYJ6VGNxvou9WwbLbkcF3krXDvCR8U1XhLQ1xrnyq/s320/realistic.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="200" /></a></div>Oh, yeah, and the director, Jay Andrews, is really just a pseudonym for director Jim Wynorski. Yes, the same Jim Wynorski that brought us <i>Cheerleader Camp</i>, <i>The Haunting of Morella</i>, <i>Sorority House Massacre 2</i>, and <i>Return of the Swamp Thing</i>. According to IMDB, he is currently working on something called <i>Camel Spiders</i>. I don't know anything about that one. Judging from the title, though, I'm going to go ahead and call it at four fingers. Frankly, as I look over this director’s resume, I can’t help but wonder if Mr. Wynorski is trying to woo the Farm. Well, sir, you can stop trying so hard. You had us at <i>Busty Cops </i>.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Like many straight-to-DVD titles, the entire movie was shot in Eastern Europe, for, what I can only assume, was pennies on the dollar. Unlike similar-looking titles, like <i>Wrong Turn 3</i> and <i>Pumpkinhead 4</i>, this movie, at least, does not try to pass off it’s environment as a rural American landscape. <i>Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness</i> takes place in Romania.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOT9z9JBRzev4DgUpaWpWIHsDbCQas6EFrSqyzFCm5GsOYr_-LM54PoLKGBF6fY3JxQlq8CcFnlfmGmy0NqkRGpeL8TVnRLCOs1jqYtWKJnVmNb9ZWD9XpKRzfBlc1Aky2PNnwon07kzr/s1600/gargoyles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOT9z9JBRzev4DgUpaWpWIHsDbCQas6EFrSqyzFCm5GsOYr_-LM54PoLKGBF6fY3JxQlq8CcFnlfmGmy0NqkRGpeL8TVnRLCOs1jqYtWKJnVmNb9ZWD9XpKRzfBlc1Aky2PNnwon07kzr/s320/gargoyles.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="181" /></a></div>Opening in, ehem, the year 1532, we watch as a very period-appropriate-looking hottie and a priest defeat an attacking Gargoyle, sending it down a giant hole in the ground. As luck would have it, the villagers had a gigantic boulder on hand to roll over the opening and seal the gargoyle inside.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Clearly, this is not a very good long-term strategy. But, like patching a cracked windshield with tape, I guess it works for the time being.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">In fact, this shoddy plan actually was effective for almost 500 years. The next scene takes place in 2004. Within the next ten minutes, we are introduced to pretty much every character in the movie.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Firstly, we have the awesome team of Ty “Griff” Griffin and Jennifer Wells . They are sort of a B-movie Mulder and Scully...which, I guess, is a little redundant. Jen and Griff are a lot more entertaining (and frankly easier on the eyes) than the duo on whom they are clearly modeled, though. This CIA team is brought to Romania to investigate some kidnapping thing. They are the couple on the right…<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFaA-Zv7j7daDOL00VuHKdyq5EJMT3gW1M0SQP9vOL-ylZFMD0S1HA7dCUCIr04mWhkFJcNoWnJBSYTydrpzebW0DiUvh2xX-t1RSplZOwWRxZa25S-DNoOhx4_HT3Cjd_bEycYdS9zbJ-/s1600/agents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFaA-Zv7j7daDOL00VuHKdyq5EJMT3gW1M0SQP9vOL-ylZFMD0S1HA7dCUCIr04mWhkFJcNoWnJBSYTydrpzebW0DiUvh2xX-t1RSplZOwWRxZa25S-DNoOhx4_HT3Cjd_bEycYdS9zbJ-/s320/agents.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="177" /></a></div> We are also introduced to a young archeologist, Dr. Christina Durant. She sports a nice update of the Patty Duke flip. She has a couple of assistants. But, they die off so quickly, they are hardly worth a mention.</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmWW5-pWRF9ZbtUI9PlOi1KnLqa7qcPbRX53DdenU_0L3WkpdOJThHPQJjUp_bY4ocKgdMqK0kqzBW2PgjndT5UYIUjS1pRVNKrUD1dgYj_ORen0iBPZnmypaRZ5Js5OHy9-GYrDY8rHog/s1600/mary%20tyler%20less.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmWW5-pWRF9ZbtUI9PlOi1KnLqa7qcPbRX53DdenU_0L3WkpdOJThHPQJjUp_bY4ocKgdMqK0kqzBW2PgjndT5UYIUjS1pRVNKrUD1dgYj_ORen0iBPZnmypaRZ5Js5OHy9-GYrDY8rHog/s320/mary%20tyler%20less.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div>There is alsoa priest. Who knows? Maybe he will turn to be the hero of this flick… Okay, you're right. He’s the bad guy. I am pretty sure the bad skin and blond highlights are a dead giveaway that he can’t be trusted.<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnTPLasp8Xe_RV3gCyAfos8Q15wvdHwxjBJZB0KsnTte4xan-R7cD7eXCoZw_O7SSmvzVldQewxyCJIKWMT3xugRfh0OxviKbGwOv82_-iEbvOUecVBbwkzt3i_G0zu2IqH3cMMhFzjyYo/s1600/badguy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnTPLasp8Xe_RV3gCyAfos8Q15wvdHwxjBJZB0KsnTte4xan-R7cD7eXCoZw_O7SSmvzVldQewxyCJIKWMT3xugRfh0OxviKbGwOv82_-iEbvOUecVBbwkzt3i_G0zu2IqH3cMMhFzjyYo/s320/badguy.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div>In no time, the digging team (consisting of two people) finds a cavern full of Gargoyle eggs.<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-EjsTsNsQUp4JB8LvUPTUW2zpgWANMIiKIyYq_ehGwWl4GONtJ45wjPRXOE3ekj0W_BxaYYUSRj44PJTOjf6zRAfEEpwoOsTgqESruFEzbk3knCzLOiI_FJRGniwJ7_I5qp8SVSZO22hW/s1600/eggs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-EjsTsNsQUp4JB8LvUPTUW2zpgWANMIiKIyYq_ehGwWl4GONtJ45wjPRXOE3ekj0W_BxaYYUSRj44PJTOjf6zRAfEEpwoOsTgqESruFEzbk3knCzLOiI_FJRGniwJ7_I5qp8SVSZO22hW/s320/eggs.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div>Okay, so you might think you have a handle on this movie. It seems pretty straightforward… a couple of CIA agents looking into a kidnapper’s killing stumble into a supernatural mystery involving gargoyles. Well, all of that is true. Then, almost right at the halfway point of the movie this happens:<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvVmOcQXmo3YG389xaxdV6aghYQpjvxDZgTErYA757foBYw0zfJH6wvt-PaspPifkCXDG9C5arAkkhlLBeM1NDokPoYokB3w6tp93D-erYFVpnWpNBQNrllmCZq5o4XrXAWqNvRIluzsDN/s1600/wtf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvVmOcQXmo3YG389xaxdV6aghYQpjvxDZgTErYA757foBYw0zfJH6wvt-PaspPifkCXDG9C5arAkkhlLBeM1NDokPoYokB3w6tp93D-erYFVpnWpNBQNrllmCZq5o4XrXAWqNvRIluzsDN/s320/wtf.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="177" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsN-sqW30nZ80el7mWtaQ8ZA3BxrdFtibm9ME34JNlyOAuMzgxPUYASedz2s2s3yaBRpHYQaqmVIHyN4DKqMHspe8CPlFDJLZpEI4fcCVq1v73lfz-ti3JbWnGE6WSj_stwCaPwzwHfeV_/s1600/wtf2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsN-sqW30nZ80el7mWtaQ8ZA3BxrdFtibm9ME34JNlyOAuMzgxPUYASedz2s2s3yaBRpHYQaqmVIHyN4DKqMHspe8CPlFDJLZpEI4fcCVq1v73lfz-ti3JbWnGE6WSj_stwCaPwzwHfeV_/s320/wtf2.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="178" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmEbsjoMcq4YcKujo8ggSSyE3re459lx8PP7b2Jxk0x8V_uTWEUSOw4_reGnISKsBV2NzG6wgW5qG0tYC0EeiX6Y9ZVlM9aHoTj70KKZYxmTT-99uR4U-GhuJyjqpNypXcAgpEZTYENZqq/s1600/wtf3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmEbsjoMcq4YcKujo8ggSSyE3re459lx8PP7b2Jxk0x8V_uTWEUSOw4_reGnISKsBV2NzG6wgW5qG0tYC0EeiX6Y9ZVlM9aHoTj70KKZYxmTT-99uR4U-GhuJyjqpNypXcAgpEZTYENZqq/s320/wtf3.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="178" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4QrJOpRu65R1uuGPYlF9t4cDf18nxg_hDlGd-YfkkiG8L1fNsiyMPKHl8UBSuhKsY8BNhPdlrDpdIwsFTtRAnfDwnZoYxAz0SEREQM8zy21N-iC8_i3YJy463MSQ6zFneK4qA6z7J3s14/s1600/wtf4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4QrJOpRu65R1uuGPYlF9t4cDf18nxg_hDlGd-YfkkiG8L1fNsiyMPKHl8UBSuhKsY8BNhPdlrDpdIwsFTtRAnfDwnZoYxAz0SEREQM8zy21N-iC8_i3YJy463MSQ6zFneK4qA6z7J3s14/s320/wtf4.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="183" /></a></div>What can I tell you? Just keep in mind the director is Jim Wynorski.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Of course, in the end, there is an epic battle between the gargoyle (and some baby gargoyles) and our CIA agents. Lots of machine guns and a big fiery explosion wrap things up.<br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC-hGETEe5DUAoSAw7hILgf67xKOiFvCwgrw4mdwGUYRKkcIiWV1sUMq3s307Q4IRbhB0eDUhAq3rde35UHaWEG7V8uNru1QkZXdaqtB0BbXfW-BQMvQOs4uPpDn3CVXurHNBhvoL3k3EB/s1600/exoplsion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC-hGETEe5DUAoSAw7hILgf67xKOiFvCwgrw4mdwGUYRKkcIiWV1sUMq3s307Q4IRbhB0eDUhAq3rde35UHaWEG7V8uNru1QkZXdaqtB0BbXfW-BQMvQOs4uPpDn3CVXurHNBhvoL3k3EB/s320/exoplsion.jpg" width="320" border="0" height="177" /></a></div>All in all, a very enjoyable little movie. It has good pacing and the characters have enough witty lines to help keep the viewers attention from drifting too much.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">In fact, this movie boasts something I don’t think I've ever seen before. Early on, there is a pretty standard car chase, where our CIA man is in hot pursuit of a car full of felons whipping around narrow European streets. It is a well done scene, but pretty familiar to action-movie fans. But, about halfway through the chase, both cars spin on a wet street and, in moments, the bad guys open fire on the American agent and start chasing him! I can honestly say I don’t remember seeing that happen in a movie before. It is that little bit of cleverness that makes me think that there is more going on in this movie that most would give it credit for.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Three and a half fingers!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-67039050129761556732010-04-20T06:50:00.000-07:002010-04-20T06:50:12.990-07:00Vipers (2008)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLv9eItruVUIPeCkopqqSM6xekVKPWqAOzpdGppjyWAMRk04xBo_C9UKAO3s0Sc7yQTcA8QMAOw_LkBkfrnvQCczbkHwX0b5gatANQYyF1EQa-fjELDUNbfMRTd0YeXQarwpcvuWdCsu7D/s1600/Woman%20Attack.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLv9eItruVUIPeCkopqqSM6xekVKPWqAOzpdGppjyWAMRk04xBo_C9UKAO3s0Sc7yQTcA8QMAOw_LkBkfrnvQCczbkHwX0b5gatANQYyF1EQa-fjELDUNbfMRTd0YeXQarwpcvuWdCsu7D/s320/Woman%20Attack.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy <br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Okay...so to even write a review of this movie is completely unfair.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I mean, come on…it’s a Syfy Original Movie (Score!) about genetically engineered snakes (Score!) overtaking a place called Eden Island...which doesn't actually seem to be an island (Score!). It’s stars Corbin Bernsen and Tara Reid (Score! and SCORE!) and, to top it all off, I found it in a bin of $3 DVDs at Wal-Mart sitting right next to the Renny Harlin/Geena Davis disasterpiece <em>Cutthroat Island</em> (Ding Ding Ding Ding Jackpot!!!!!). </div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So, we already know that Tower Farm is going to love this movie and give it four or five fingers. Hell, I might even amend our rating system and give it six. There’s just no way this is going to be a letdown. But, just because you’re all nice enough to visit us, I’ll play along and pretend that I’m putting some effort into this review.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWUojPCwWrqYuQZ2CCmrhHVdIZLCCPv_zE5JvDMUSnOF4t5M-5tHyCFmPyNyPD-iIkkx3kEguk3OHeR631g9K5o6ntxC4VdO74uSEUlJbjzSBwmQ2ZjvVBjnzgDoEN_33kaLAVgbJldRJl/s1600/Stock+Shot.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWUojPCwWrqYuQZ2CCmrhHVdIZLCCPv_zE5JvDMUSnOF4t5M-5tHyCFmPyNyPD-iIkkx3kEguk3OHeR631g9K5o6ntxC4VdO74uSEUlJbjzSBwmQ2ZjvVBjnzgDoEN_33kaLAVgbJldRJl/s320/Stock+Shot.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So,<em> Vipers</em> opens in one of those classic Syfy Original Movie laboratories…you know, the ones that are introduced by name with the 80s-computer font across the screen (see above) and a stock shot of an island somewhere off the coast of Peru or something. In this case, we get the creatively-named “Universal Bio Tech Research Facility” – which inside looks suspiciously like a crappy warehouse jam-packed with a bunch of old office cubicles and bad florescent lighting. Anyway, it seems the Universal Bio Tech Research Facility plays host to dozens of vipers genetically-engineered to kill people and eat their flesh. I’m a huge fan of the vipers, which escape during a botched robbery attempt and look about as real as the kind of snakes that come popping out of peanut brittle cans:</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUZ1YZ2t-RLbFzDzOkXWVy2VC0VpzXzPmt-oxSNyuBAgP6VqFLP57Ru7WEwYtK03VtphNr_O-7kqZlBvYMr8gV5Aw3o6GqOFuHwa9b20yGyh243-syBVX1ui6iWselU4GLAU3PSXJx-bSt/s1600/Snakes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUZ1YZ2t-RLbFzDzOkXWVy2VC0VpzXzPmt-oxSNyuBAgP6VqFLP57Ru7WEwYtK03VtphNr_O-7kqZlBvYMr8gV5Aw3o6GqOFuHwa9b20yGyh243-syBVX1ui6iWselU4GLAU3PSXJx-bSt/s320/Snakes.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Next up – are you ready for this? – we travel to the Universal Bio Tech Headquarters (!), where we learn that the snakes were being bred for their venom, which can...ummm...cure cancer. Apparently, in speeding up the snakes’ development, scientists turned them into slithering killing machines. And now, of course, they’re on the loose. Oops! Why does it seem like in every animal attack movie I review for this site, it’s always the “intelligent” scientists’ fault? Do scientists actually do anything important – or just constantly screw things up? Being that we at Tower Farm believe everything we see in the movies, I'm thinking the latter.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway, finally we settle into Eden Island...well, according to the back of the DVD box it's called Eden Island. The movie refers to it as Eden Cove, which may or may not be an island somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. We're quickly introduced to the cast of locals, played by an astonishingly generic grouping of Canadian actors save for the wonderful Tara Reid as a local greenhouse worker. Tara is given a rare chance to display her acting chops in scenes such as this one, where she repeatedly practices her "angry face":</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI33QrtApycUFLCSxw_Mnu8qgY1OvArD4io0QlUh3lNyVngsonYfQhVppUbUZVBvgMR3qosizDM2GGK8-bvRA1AtB9nwVtLyz3zY2W0PIPr-I_-b0MhGIsaaSkWiieI4tM7uCZJcOTlP8a/s1600/Tara.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI33QrtApycUFLCSxw_Mnu8qgY1OvArD4io0QlUh3lNyVngsonYfQhVppUbUZVBvgMR3qosizDM2GGK8-bvRA1AtB9nwVtLyz3zY2W0PIPr-I_-b0MhGIsaaSkWiieI4tM7uCZJcOTlP8a/s320/Tara.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Before long, the vipers are slithering through town, attacking a little boy and later an adulterous couple (an awesome scene in which the snakes don't even appear to be in the same <em>dimension</em> as the actual actors!). The shots of the snakes slithering through the grass are equally wonderful, as not a single blade of grass actually moves under the "weight" of the vipers.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqzuz5OPSz0lL7aXYQvjC3t-h9Css3ApxmnA4h71iS0Y6H-JFXz1esCy-6hjQdL7a1M1Kj2mQvVvV6rpeWxZCpGJ31AH6UkBO0G05MYAi2cHqWNILy3Ou20i4wsVMONt8KGT6weelmhkgB/s1600/Slithering.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqzuz5OPSz0lL7aXYQvjC3t-h9Css3ApxmnA4h71iS0Y6H-JFXz1esCy-6hjQdL7a1M1Kj2mQvVvV6rpeWxZCpGJ31AH6UkBO0G05MYAi2cHqWNILy3Ou20i4wsVMONt8KGT6weelmhkgB/s320/Slithering.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway, blah...blah...blah...the snakes terrorize the locals (who, by the way, keep taking shelter in small, enclosed spaces rather than just getting the hell out of town) until the Bio Tech crew shows up. These a-holes, of course, only serve to make things worse, shooting up people and letting it slip that, "Our orders weren't to save you! We were to gather a few of the vipers and bring them back!" Well...hell hath no fury like a pissed-off Canadian, and soon the villagers have rigged up some homemade flame throwers and are making plans to load up on boats and hightail it outta there. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoW23ngqrO3HW524K4ueTG2yVz2_feSIPK-iipA40mVnAIc1J9JtoqFTlb3RvlASRTvEd9OQrovtqygeN8YckRk94AsgYwxF8zk8BERFGhzyi_MjdGE7ch8-hqzgg78HQTLtyVgx7bebP6/s1600/Flames.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoW23ngqrO3HW524K4ueTG2yVz2_feSIPK-iipA40mVnAIc1J9JtoqFTlb3RvlASRTvEd9OQrovtqygeN8YckRk94AsgYwxF8zk8BERFGhzyi_MjdGE7ch8-hqzgg78HQTLtyVgx7bebP6/s320/Flames.png" width="320" wt="true" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Amazingly, after managing to escape from a lab and then find their way to a human-populated area, the snakes are stupid enough to fall for the oldest trick in the book -- being lured into a greenhouse and then blown up all at once. But, as fast as you can say "Oh, thank God, it's over" (and yes...someone does actually say that, thereby begging to be attacked again), one surviving snake attacks evil corporate giant Corbin Bernsen in his limo. The end!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">This little gem leaves me in the familiar quandary of having so much to write about that I feel my review is actually doing an injustice to the movie. This is one that must be seen to be completely understood...and thanks to the fine folks as Wal-Mart, you can see it for the price of a Big Mac. And while this is a natural place for me to make a joke about both containing lots of "cheese"...I'll instead just throw out my...</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">FOUR FINGERS!!!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-37396492711901391182010-03-23T14:04:00.000-07:002010-03-23T14:49:36.706-07:00Species: The Awakening (2007)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kmrVodYgI/AAAAAAAABQo/dH2iSsbuoho/s1600-h/first%20shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kmrVodYgI/AAAAAAAABQo/dH2iSsbuoho/s320/first%20shot.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">Reviewed By: JM</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am a huge fan of the <i>Species</i> franchise. This admission surely brings shame to my brother, Billy… who as far as I know has never watched one of these movies but just hates them on principle. The principle, though, is unclear.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyhoo…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">All farmhands are aware of our credo at Tower Farm: SEQUELS ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAT THE ORIGINAL. From the <i>Blair Witch</i> movies, to the <i>Wrong Turn</i> trilogy, to anything with a Kevin Tenney imprint, this truth has been proven again and again. <i>Species</i> is no exception. I have watched that first movie a million times and absolutely love it. However, there is no denying that part 2 is more enjoyable. And part 3… well, it has one of the best prolonged bare butt sequences ever put to celluloid.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXdhAg4S4poMQtVjaiuI9kkQdx9PLWLSxk1xcDqnSiXfejNc4pdJeM9EqlRLdntVzEW_xkZo0YX9qyQjMb5bnSUfiwDsTVDIF_rpBZgzDKKh58oQ4vIscvfppkKib9CFLw-du6PMasx7q/s1600-h/species3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXdhAg4S4poMQtVjaiuI9kkQdx9PLWLSxk1xcDqnSiXfejNc4pdJeM9EqlRLdntVzEW_xkZo0YX9qyQjMb5bnSUfiwDsTVDIF_rpBZgzDKKh58oQ4vIscvfppkKib9CFLw-du6PMasx7q/s320/species3.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The fourth installment, <i>Species: The Awakening</i>, is, in a word, ridiculous. And wonderful. Okay, in two words, this movie is ridiculous and wonderful. Of course, as with the other entries in the franchise, it is produced by Frank Mancuso Jr.- the same guy that brought us <i>I Know Who Killed Me</i>. And THAT means quality!<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Let’s just look with our movie’s heroine, Miranda Hollander, played by Helena Mattsson. This shot, taken at about one and a half minutes into the feature, is how we are introduced to our young college professor. Is it just me, or does this look like the first shot of every <i>Penthouse</i> pictorial spread ever taken (“This teacher earns bonus points when she gives her top student a lesson in humility…”)?<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoOkwKM5_EXh-N9SLYmd9sQtOqN_ix8KQbvJjG1d2lC4bG4Fwukch8QVNy7j_A7F11iz7Azf0hSxKWTnlI3FPtnVrSCai2S77nRVwEcV3IujiQTdNP8ez0rvOFy1hjHUZK0DWH1n0ih9jC/s1600-h/teacher.dib.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoOkwKM5_EXh-N9SLYmd9sQtOqN_ix8KQbvJjG1d2lC4bG4Fwukch8QVNy7j_A7F11iz7Azf0hSxKWTnlI3FPtnVrSCai2S77nRVwEcV3IujiQTdNP8ez0rvOFy1hjHUZK0DWH1n0ih9jC/s320/teacher.dib.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">By the way, let’s take a look what she is teaching:<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kqellD7WI/AAAAAAAABQ4/_fY0Ve5eJ9M/s1600-h/chalkboard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kqellD7WI/AAAAAAAABQ4/_fY0Ve5eJ9M/s320/chalkboard.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What in the hell is that?!<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, as I am sure every viewer guessed by the end of the second minute of the movie, Miranda Hollander is part alien. I really have nothing more to say on that subject.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-gL4g7wumlwu5kWTQp66o-MFqgxKJSpM7GZTEmipvGfvW-ZXb9ARVEOzKEdIAzXhyQD0GTj5kw8V4Mra1D0O65j0jbLpY8t-XtVPnsQS12NcHlAkVMkP1jMcJAw9YDrYoL97SK0-bhtfb/s1600-h/blue%20alien.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-gL4g7wumlwu5kWTQp66o-MFqgxKJSpM7GZTEmipvGfvW-ZXb9ARVEOzKEdIAzXhyQD0GTj5kw8V4Mra1D0O65j0jbLpY8t-XtVPnsQS12NcHlAkVMkP1jMcJAw9YDrYoL97SK0-bhtfb/s320/blue%20alien.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The big star of this movie is Ben Cross, who plays Miranda’s uncle, Tom. Ben Cross, of course, is best known (by only Billy and me) as the vampire Barnabas Collins in the very short-lived 1990’s television series <i>Dark Shadows</i>. A remake of the 1960s gothic soap opera created by Dan Curtis, the 1990s version was incredible in its ability to infuse long, prodding, boring story sequences with moments on monumental overacting. To watch Ben Cross raise his cane to the sky and yell “Willie!!” at the top of his lungs as though he was cursing God, himself, was spectacular. Of course, we loved it.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, I am always happy to see Ben Cross get work… even if it gets him an unintentional chuckle every time his Miranda refers to him as “Uncle Tom”.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kqofXPtWI/AAAAAAAABRA/OAjBSBPwcug/s1600-h/ben%20cross.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kqofXPtWI/AAAAAAAABRA/OAjBSBPwcug/s320/ben%20cross.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, early in the movie, Miranda informs Uncle Tom that she is going out on a date. It must have been this young woman’s first date or something, though because the moment she was aroused, she killed her suitor, ended up in a hospital and killed much of the hospital’s staff.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Of course, at this point Uncle Tom shows up with a needle, injects Miranda, puts her in his car, then the two are on a road trip to Mexico. Um, okay.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">As it turns out, Mexico is where Forbes, a scientist and former student of Uncle Tom’s, lives. We learn that Forbes and Tom made Miranda in a Mexican lab, like meth. A lot of people would probably take this pretty hard. Miranda, though, just kind gets a pouty face…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi10rjw-M4gxmpdA1TdSX_esUgcX-yJnVc-oHQshcacfyXUQlC0fTssfLCICmgepgePelgxjGuHhxdlH4hvz64VuB3NqXgXiXhscZXHDlKjB0K27wwIKX024EuqAQuYFV1VHPBzq34dIjFG/s1600-h/pout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi10rjw-M4gxmpdA1TdSX_esUgcX-yJnVc-oHQshcacfyXUQlC0fTssfLCICmgepgePelgxjGuHhxdlH4hvz64VuB3NqXgXiXhscZXHDlKjB0K27wwIKX024EuqAQuYFV1VHPBzq34dIjFG/s320/pout.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">… and by the end of the scene she and Tom are hugging. I guess aliens are a lot more stoic than your average human.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, a fair amount of time is padded as Miranda and Uncle Tom drive around Mexico looking for hotel rooms. Finally Tom announces that he is going to look for Forbes. Then, he runs into this awesome nun:<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kq__eJktI/AAAAAAAABRI/nE0meDGJHRM/s1600-h/nun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6kq__eJktI/AAAAAAAABRI/nE0meDGJHRM/s320/nun.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Although Sally Field was something of a novelty in America, it turns out that flying nuns are pretty common in Mexico, where no one bats an eye as this one flutters around the city.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, Forbes is found. Unsurprisingly, Tom and Miranda walk in on him while he is humping an alien/human hybrid. Isn’t that always the way? On the other hand, Forbes may have been asking for trouble the moment he put a satiny bed in the loft overlooking his laboratory. It is that sort of decision making that makes these office gatherings so uncomfortable:<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiejUkeGRStfLR61DkXWRJEz6CJbg-CPrrOnxvqWIQ2Udlc74bD-nkzprjJHODHZg2G81H8t6fvjA941qNL_arSjN6PvtXScfo6E-TKXDmyDPUkZHNuxyGS0W9n49rzFcbIUUjLMKYsa_oI/s1600-h/underdressed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiejUkeGRStfLR61DkXWRJEz6CJbg-CPrrOnxvqWIQ2Udlc74bD-nkzprjJHODHZg2G81H8t6fvjA941qNL_arSjN6PvtXScfo6E-TKXDmyDPUkZHNuxyGS0W9n49rzFcbIUUjLMKYsa_oI/s320/underdressed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, a lot more time is padded as the scientists try to out bore each other in the lab. <br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The scientists end up kidnapping a hooker, injecting her with something, and using the needle to try to cure Miranda. Miranda ends up hatching in the lab.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6krJ2TNDnI/AAAAAAAABRQ/L2bdsrcQz5A/s1600-h/not%20sure.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S6krJ2TNDnI/AAAAAAAABRQ/L2bdsrcQz5A/s320/not%20sure.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, this only makes her more sexually aggressive, stronger, and increases her hunger to kill. I have to say, the moment she ended up in a cocoon during her treatment, I pretty much saw this coming. Those scientists were really asleep at the wheel, in my opinion.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, I had to do some fast forwarding at this point. But, I can tell you that two aliens fight each other toward the end of the movie, there is an explosion, and Uncle Tom looks tired, but relieved, while walking away from the flames.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Lots of nudity and decent special effects… So, even though the story kind of dragged, I am going to give this one:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Two and a half fingers!<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">******************************</div><div class="MsoNormal">On to a different topic- I want to thank my brother Billy for keeping things going here at the farm. With one perfect review after another, Billy kept the land from drying up.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You see, a little over a month ago, my daughter was born. So, I am now a father and Billy is an uncle… though probably not as good an uncle as Tom (from this review... or the guy with the cabin... whichever).<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I use the name “JM” on these reviews as a reference to the dorky kid from the movie <i>Valentine</i>. “Billy” comes from the dorky kid in <i>Halloween 5</i>. Our dad occasionally comments around here under the name “Ralph Merrye” (<i>Spider Baby</i>). If I need to refer to my daughter, what should I call her?<br />
<br />
Let me know if you have any suggestions!<br />
</div><br />
<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;"></span>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-43187417935776000742010-03-19T04:55:00.000-07:002010-03-19T04:55:04.096-07:00Night Of The Lepus (1972)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK69FF_kHq65aKk9B-nxISgv2f0dP9jrSMA8mW1yJkZ-IWzHiNihQIAv5vbHRaXWZkkK4IvQVN-VDlqdfXWLfGf2tukhNcea5ZbG7rZp9V0R8dJiSDq8w4agcfefQrmKSO6t5mm_HD2-gA/s1600-h/teeth.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK69FF_kHq65aKk9B-nxISgv2f0dP9jrSMA8mW1yJkZ-IWzHiNihQIAv5vbHRaXWZkkK4IvQVN-VDlqdfXWLfGf2tukhNcea5ZbG7rZp9V0R8dJiSDq8w4agcfefQrmKSO6t5mm_HD2-gA/s320/teeth.png" width="320" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br />
<br />
In honor of Easter (which is coming up soon…I think?), I decided it was time to review everybody’s favorite killer bunny movie, <em>Night of the Lepus</em>. After all, nothing says Easter like hoards of mutates rabbits attacking a kooky cast including Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, and Rory Calhoun. I have a special attraction to this movie because my own father (affectionately known in these parts as Ralph Merrye) spent every spring of my childhood battling a little family of black bunnies that enjoyed snacking on his yearly attempts at a flower garden. JM and I can tell you that there’s nothing better than watching your bug-eyed father chase around a tiny little bunny with a rake – and being outsmarted every time.<br />
<br />
Anyway, before I dive in, it’s important to point out that there’s a big problem with this movie. Here’s a hint: it’s got two big ears and a fluffy cotton-ball of a tail. Look, it’s impossible for rabbits to be scary. Impossible. The growling MGM lion at the beginning of the movie is scarier than bunny rabbits. Janet Leigh’s hair is scarier than bunny rabbits. Hell, the easy listening instrumental theme song – tailor made for a 1970’s swingers cruise – is way scarier than bunny rabbits. Nonetheless, the filmmakers waste the first three minutes of this movie on a fake newscast warning viewers that an explosion in the world’s rabbit population is threatening human kind.<br />
<br />
Okey-dokey.<br />
<br />
So <em>Night of the Lepus</em> takes place in the American southwest, where the adorable little critters are putting rancher Rory Calhoun out of business by eating away his land. A group of researchers comes in to help out…and naturally inject the bunnies full of chemicals, which cause the animals to grow and start attacking people. Oops! While I’d say this ranks among the stupidest scientific mistakes in film history, nobody really seems that pissed at the labcoats for the rest of the movie. <br />
<br />
Among the researchers is our leading lady Janet…a long, <em>long</em> way from the Bates Motel. Janet is the good-natured lab assistant with a “Golden Girl” hairdo who’s always got a smile and witty comment close at hand. Sample dialogue, while ordering her daughter to pick up a bunny: “Rub his foot while you’re at it honey, and see what kind of luck that brings us. As a matter of fact…rub all four of ‘em!”<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG5z0-GZJk42L5LGN2dxYOmJ8zBWlnF31Ec-DBaBtLsra48WTmukhzPu_vFtapJUWu1sjMm5DsAhfBcEsC2lGDTBwKI5uzBrbDL0FVH6GClRKiS3AuTXPe2yM8h5TzPZIRkbHXMK167dxF/s1600-h/janet.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG5z0-GZJk42L5LGN2dxYOmJ8zBWlnF31Ec-DBaBtLsra48WTmukhzPu_vFtapJUWu1sjMm5DsAhfBcEsC2lGDTBwKI5uzBrbDL0FVH6GClRKiS3AuTXPe2yM8h5TzPZIRkbHXMK167dxF/s320/janet.png" width="320" /></a></div>Before you know it, everyone’s noticing giant bunny prints everywhere, and we finally get some awesome rabbit attacks. At first, we don’t actually see much in the way of bunnies actually ripping people apart. What we get are get lots of shots of big bunny buckteeth – which, frankly, are just plain cute – and then we see the bloody aftermath, which appears to be the work of Leatherface as opposed to a ravenous rabbit: <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw8JNNZ-qrvvcaByK1T6-MzLIUfFRGaU7au3Ert4xwSxKhH1y3nBcxdiXrMNXEW7AxN5F1RrmIyFtwEGpi_1uyA3qmcFdKLWmzm7gMmUh1H5qedEcurpEaKS-amtdTsyoHfPlqsey2VCZK/s1600-h/body.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw8JNNZ-qrvvcaByK1T6-MzLIUfFRGaU7au3Ert4xwSxKhH1y3nBcxdiXrMNXEW7AxN5F1RrmIyFtwEGpi_1uyA3qmcFdKLWmzm7gMmUh1H5qedEcurpEaKS-amtdTsyoHfPlqsey2VCZK/s320/body.png" width="320" /></a></div>Anyway, as the bodies start piling up, our crack researchers are back on the scene, heroically hunting down the bloodthirsty beasts that – don’t forget – they created in the first place! They finally find them in a huge mineshaft under the desert which, in another stroke of brilliance, they decide to blast with dynamite…therefore scaring out the rabbits and setting them on a wild rampage through town! My God, what’s wrong with these scientists…did they even go to college?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiffM9ZBLYId2_gZ_qqV5emw9unX527G1guyd9MpiL9iYMtq4CfddTQmiLjxwgX996q1FbScf-lPzvXTy7TCnaLJo7qAVio3xqrWbVc4R4j5IbFwit0SbR8JuoWGEbsHgSrb5lTp0aWf3jO/s1600-h/stampede.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiffM9ZBLYId2_gZ_qqV5emw9unX527G1guyd9MpiL9iYMtq4CfddTQmiLjxwgX996q1FbScf-lPzvXTy7TCnaLJo7qAVio3xqrWbVc4R4j5IbFwit0SbR8JuoWGEbsHgSrb5lTp0aWf3jO/s320/stampede.png" width="320" /></a></div>The scenes of the hundreds of giant bunnies galloping across the desert are priceless; it’s like watching the sweetest, most delightful program on the Discovery Channel. Seriously, who’s gonna root for the humans when you’ve got little furballs running amok? Anyway, the great rabbit stampede of 1972 continues for about fifteen minutes, first terrorizing our poor ranchers hiding out in the underground storm shelter and then moving on to the town’s General Store. The special effects get a little more ambitious here, as we move on to not only real bunnies crashing through miniature sets, but also actors in bunny suits wresting with the humans:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDn6tTGlJoGmjudS24fUBPZRZTwZ_3zaNOgTcbEBCTPKu7jxuyZ4vAJ0Ye9biJQTmhV2SX-cmR9yBo8sddSs2jP_nj6cQ54JLP8q48SnQIb1YMD_wgEltPrXYDJRStK0ELhJEJ-QdHKWWZ/s1600-h/attack.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDn6tTGlJoGmjudS24fUBPZRZTwZ_3zaNOgTcbEBCTPKu7jxuyZ4vAJ0Ye9biJQTmhV2SX-cmR9yBo8sddSs2jP_nj6cQ54JLP8q48SnQIb1YMD_wgEltPrXYDJRStK0ELhJEJ-QdHKWWZ/s320/attack.png" width="320" /></a></div>Soon the National Guard gets called in (wouldn’t you love to have heard the military commander on that call: “Giant whhhhhhhhaaaaaaat?????”) and it’s an all out bunny battle, as the ferocious fluffies continue making their way across the desert, leaving a trail of bloody paw prints everywhere they go. After evacuating the nearby city, soldiers wait as our scientists (who…again…<em>caused this whole damn disaster in the first place!)</em> hatch a plan to electrocute the bunnies on a stretch of train track. Amazingly, it works…and that’s…umm…the end.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWH9oFMjIGOFWg1JnasVSef8heBiDR-li2cyke4KvKJqdKZeurD-1EClT2Jir6KI66J7CoC_4HuWhexdO4C7GFUYToS1U2Cz8uzv1Up46VXtjELJFFdVu7Ja4GsLrm0Z2z6qNzcoQ67vPV/s1600-h/electrocution.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWH9oFMjIGOFWg1JnasVSef8heBiDR-li2cyke4KvKJqdKZeurD-1EClT2Jir6KI66J7CoC_4HuWhexdO4C7GFUYToS1U2Cz8uzv1Up46VXtjELJFFdVu7Ja4GsLrm0Z2z6qNzcoQ67vPV/s320/electrocution.png" width="320" /></a></div>Okay, so I know that’s not a very exciting ending…but what do you expect from a movie about killer bunnies? Anyway, <em>Night of the Lepus</em> is a great as you’d expect it to be; a truly preposterous movie that fails on pretty much every level except shear enjoyment. My advice this Easter Sunday? Grab a box of Cadbury Crème Eggs and watch the cutest pack of bunnies you’ve ever seen devour a Southwestern town. Now that’s a real treat!<br />
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THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-34866091894931998942010-03-13T06:25:00.000-08:002010-03-13T06:26:20.515-08:00Edge Of Sanity (1989)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S409X-waeDI/AAAAAAAABPo/aGwokb1va_4/s1600-h/eye.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S409X-waeDI/AAAAAAAABPo/aGwokb1va_4/s320/eye.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div>Reviewed By: Billy<br /><br />Wow...this movie is totally gross.<br /><br />I guess I should’ve known when the back of the box featured a quote proclaiming <i>Edge of Sanity</i> as “stylish” that it would be hard to watch. After all, “stylish” is basically critic-code for “it sucks…but the colors are pretty” – like how “stylish” is the only the nice thing anyone can say about Dario Argento’s post-1982 output. In the case of <i>Edge of Sanity</i>, we get turn-of-the-century prostitutes wearing metallic cone bras a la “Vogue”-era Madonna…which, as I mentioned before, is totally gross and hard to watch…and therefore, apparently “stylish.”<br /><br />The plot of this film is totally nuts, casting Anthony Perkins as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…and maybe Jack the Ripper, too. Let me just say that I love Anthony Perkins (especially as the impotent photographer in <i>Mahogany</i> – a performance you must see immediately)…but one thing Anthony should never, ever have done is play British. His accent here is reminiscent of something I would have done in a high school play. If I was drunk. But what he lacks in speech patterns he more than makes up for in hammy overacting; his scenes as Mr. Hyde are a masterwork of funny-face-making and caked-on lipstick.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S409uEm6tQI/AAAAAAAABPs/aZiZ4KvKuyc/s1600-h/mirror_face.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S409uEm6tQI/AAAAAAAABPs/aZiZ4KvKuyc/s320/mirror_face.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div>Interesting tidbit: Did you know that English "ladies of the night" in the late 1800s dressed like this?<br /><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S4092er1s9I/AAAAAAAABP0/ZRfFtFceR8o/s1600-h/outfit.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S4092er1s9I/AAAAAAAABP0/ZRfFtFceR8o/s320/outfit.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div><div>Here’s where that damn “style” takes over. You see, director Gerard Kikoine makes the bizarre choice to keep the Dr. Jekyll scenes in somewhat-authentic period detail, while modernizing the Mr. Hyde scenes so that everyone looks like they’ve just stepped out of a terrible Billy Idol video. Speaking of…this is Billy Idol's twin, right?</div><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S40-G2JwMDI/AAAAAAAABP4/crf78SCc6QI/s1600-h/billy_twin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S40-G2JwMDI/AAAAAAAABP4/crf78SCc6QI/s320/billy_twin.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div><div>Anyway, Anthony starts to realize that life as Dr. Jekyll, which includes playing chess and dealing with a dull wife, is way less fun than being Mr. Hyde, who gets to pick up trashy women and rub their butts…so, he becomes addicted to the drug that causes him to change personalities. And, well, I guess I can understand that. What I can’t understand is how the prostitutes could be so desperate that they’d want to sleep with Anthony…whose Mr. Hyde starts looking more and more like a cracked-out Liza Minelli:</div><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzaDF2HbaDBZqRtfoIvAO39AL_-AwaSkbkwfegAeNB_Q_Qc689ZlSGr9o5Ck3P-N6j3nUOGkoDK_8tK-kj3aOPbIefZVP9Z3elrf7stYjJxSIv4sxygIRhYK1LVO04QAkmnVCb52fQaGEx/s1600-h/closeup.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzaDF2HbaDBZqRtfoIvAO39AL_-AwaSkbkwfegAeNB_Q_Qc689ZlSGr9o5Ck3P-N6j3nUOGkoDK_8tK-kj3aOPbIefZVP9Z3elrf7stYjJxSIv4sxygIRhYK1LVO04QAkmnVCb52fQaGEx/s320/closeup.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div><div>So, after a few ladies show up dead, Scotland Yard gets involved and I think we’re supposed to assume that the Jack the Ripper scare has begun (at least, the DVD box mentioned Jack the Ripper, so I’m gonna go with that). Personally, by this time I’d totally stopped paying attention to the plot and was way too fixated on Anthony’s increasingly alarming makeup to even care about anything else. There is a lot of gratuitous male and female nudity thrown in to pad time and keep our attention…so that’s appreciated.<br /><br />Things finally come to a bizarre climax involving Dr. Jekyll, the dull wife, Billy Idol’s twin, and a prostitute – who all somehow manage to end up together in a bell tower. And it all culminates in Billy licking the wife’s face before he’s attacked by Mr. Hyde. Or Dr. Jekyll. Or Jack the Ripper. Oh, hell, I have no idea what’s going on here.</div><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S40-dqfiqEI/AAAAAAAABQA/5Rl6pbMvNRQ/s1600-h/licking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e3Eeu7P6-hM/S40-dqfiqEI/AAAAAAAABQA/5Rl6pbMvNRQ/s320/licking.png" border="0" width="320" height="180" /></a></div><div>Look, after years of wanting to see this movie (thanks to the great VHS box cover which graced the store shelves of a Muncie, Indiana Marsh supermarket), I guess I can’t really say I’m <i>that</i> disappointed. Anthony Perkins gives one of his patented late-1980s unhinged performances, and the idea of modernizing many of the hooker costumes and hairstyles results in some really satisfying belly laughs. Oh, and speaking of the prostitutes, just wait until you get to the scene where Anthony does really naughty things involving his walking stick to a topless woman on a rooftop. Ewwwwwww. There’s only one word for a scene like that: stylish!<br /><br />TWO-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!</div>Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2053959619527078829.post-47394452819565592752010-03-05T03:06:00.000-08:002010-03-05T03:12:34.902-08:00Just Before Dawn (1981)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiUxMrxBzPInKB4Rt0E50fHmMUmJ_J3UqFfnZyYGYEOmW52F3XjRqxkhym96uILETLsTwkJfn3nY3uvFqRL-kbxOj0XvGI8qF8jThbYTf3PdPSiIAmYfSLVzOTJ-nkt8i3N8tD4G1l5eEf/s1600-h/Roof_Killer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiUxMrxBzPInKB4Rt0E50fHmMUmJ_J3UqFfnZyYGYEOmW52F3XjRqxkhym96uILETLsTwkJfn3nY3uvFqRL-kbxOj0XvGI8qF8jThbYTf3PdPSiIAmYfSLVzOTJ-nkt8i3N8tD4G1l5eEf/s320/Roof_Killer.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reviewed By: Billy</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><i>Just Before Dawn</i> is a rare thing at Tower Farm. It’s a movie that I truly love because it’s <i>good</i>. This is no <i>Chained Heat</i>; I don’t love this movie because Linda Blair gets hit on by Sybil Danning in the shower while being called a “new fish.” I love <i>Just Before Dawn</i> because, like the original <i>Black Christmas</i>, it is one of the truly great and effective slasher films of all time. The acting, script, direction, and especially the music are truly top-notch, and there are enough surprises here that it doesn’t feel as dated as something like <i>Final Exam.</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">However, fear not faithful followers – there are plenty of things to make fun of.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><i>Just Before Dawn</i> – like another one of my favorites, <i>Savage Weekend</i> – falls into the backwoods camping horror subgenre sparked off in the 70s by the success of <i>Deliverance</i> (see also: <i>Rituals</i> and <i>The Final Terror</i>). For some reason, people in the 1970s were really freaked out that they’d go camping and get raped by hillbillies. Personally, I think if you stick to state parks you’re okay, but for some reason these 1970s young adults felt the need to hike into the Appalachian wilderness and just wait to be assaulted.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Thankfully, unlike in <i>Deliverance</i>, there are more than just middle-aged schlubs up for the survival challenge this time around. Our group here consists of a young and super-cool Gregg Henry (who, years later, would steal the show in <span style="font-style: italic;">Slither</span>) and a young and super-cool Chris Lemmon (looking just like his father, Jack…except with bushier hair). The wonderful Deborah Benson and Jamie Rose play their respective girlfriends, while Ralph Seymour rounds out the group as the dorky fifth wheel (which, as we know, every cool group of friends is forced to include...i.e. Franklin in <i>Texas Chainsaw</i>, Randy in <i>Scream</i>, etc.). From their very first appearance you will wish you were part of this group. I mean, come on…Gregg Henry appears to be sipping from a can of beer while driving an RV and the whole crew is rocking out to Blondie’s “Heart of Glass.” They’re awesome!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSHqhFAx5EZjQvXieP34hkVcDNQa9QMyMDroZFw2n3XSDRbGqwqBjKmuV5stMiZrNcuzOEyK_9r_9eon9JsVQMtSrJnnRp3BeAdWv5QlhJt8lbXn5-KZyELwWXoizWRJTJdKUzhKqbwHuJ/s1600-h/Group.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSHqhFAx5EZjQvXieP34hkVcDNQa9QMyMDroZFw2n3XSDRbGqwqBjKmuV5stMiZrNcuzOEyK_9r_9eon9JsVQMtSrJnnRp3BeAdWv5QlhJt8lbXn5-KZyELwWXoizWRJTJdKUzhKqbwHuJ/s320/Group.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Anyway, it seems Gregg’s family owns some land up in the middle of nowhere, and these geniuses have decided to haul their RV up the side of a mountain to get there. A massive motor home wouldn’t exactly be my first choice as a cliff-climbing vehicle…but what the hell. Along the way they meet the forest ranger, who warns them that the mountain is no place for camping… “especially with ladies along.” Uh-oh…sounds like a hillbilly rape warning to me. Of course, the cool kids totally disregard the ranger, basically spending the entire conversation making fun of the guy before speeding off in their totally inappropriate mammoth vehicle. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Oh, and did I mention that the forest ranger is played by the wonderful George Kennedy…acting as crazy as ever while shouting, “I WARNED YA!”</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgspquHe_SEn_1nWkdYgoFjrTtpNcnEZ1mJ2JJ5mDNoGtflNMqSWHmpJHynWlbiAyRAlGUOcbDLlQmMjEXcQem80dsLS7Ji-67E7OfLHQoH4xjrAO3co2DPvKPIpHH9cS8VDyrrrDepEdPC/s1600-h/George.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgspquHe_SEn_1nWkdYgoFjrTtpNcnEZ1mJ2JJ5mDNoGtflNMqSWHmpJHynWlbiAyRAlGUOcbDLlQmMjEXcQem80dsLS7Ji-67E7OfLHQoH4xjrAO3co2DPvKPIpHH9cS8VDyrrrDepEdPC/s320/George.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Speaking of red flags…the group next encounters a crazy drunk wandering through the wilderness who tells them he’s being chased be a “demon” on the mountain. Again, our kids totally ignore what is basically a blatant warning of hillbilly molestation, and leave the poor bum to walk back down the mountain alone!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E5HAXF2VPIWVaYQAIiGDW8LP9HIArXFDCY4cvgDMDLJu8vmipevkICqFQoc-2kCm0eWtrynitxcOIJ9LHxiOfObe0Fj1oZ75pD9WuwwsjQUYsVIEqPPyKYLGevtPvCtUSAf8ekXY3-G0/s1600-h/Drunk.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E5HAXF2VPIWVaYQAIiGDW8LP9HIArXFDCY4cvgDMDLJu8vmipevkICqFQoc-2kCm0eWtrynitxcOIJ9LHxiOfObe0Fj1oZ75pD9WuwwsjQUYsVIEqPPyKYLGevtPvCtUSAf8ekXY3-G0/s320/Drunk.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And…well…while we’re <i>still</i> on the subject of red flags, once the group has set up camp they come across a young, barefoot hillbilly girl singing a creepy song while playing in a stream. COME ON, guys…we’ve done everything but play dueling banjos here…get the hell out of the moutains! Of course, they don’t…and instead take the natural course of action: cross a rickety old rope bridge and go skinny-dipping!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiplUGq0hAIFF87vcBqMTc9hTfHZGcF4abJ4gmYT_mG8AP3QSr_D4atc7-HHMkLW9ZbAlRgzpgwaDXedvx-Ki2qHCBY3PtI9rzRbI1jkkaBKPTv1kTxfIq2fS3MPyT3I2gECK69AkxeTKd/s1600-h/Skinnydip.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiplUGq0hAIFF87vcBqMTc9hTfHZGcF4abJ4gmYT_mG8AP3QSr_D4atc7-HHMkLW9ZbAlRgzpgwaDXedvx-Ki2qHCBY3PtI9rzRbI1jkkaBKPTv1kTxfIq2fS3MPyT3I2gECK69AkxeTKd/s320/Skinnydip.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The skinny-dipping scene is a great one, as we soon see our hillbilly killer dive under the water and start fondling Jamie Rose, who thinks it’s her boyfriend...and let me tell you, this guy can really hold his breath. As ridiculous as this sounds, it’s actually well done and very icky…especially when Jamie looks to the shore and sees her man, realizing that it’s someone else under the water messing around with her. And yet…RED FLAGS…they still don’t bother jumping in that camper and driving back down the mountain!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">They’ll regret that, of course, once the killings begin – which happens about 50 minutes in. Chris Lemmon is the first to go, coming face to face with the hillbilly killer on that damn rope bridge which, of course, means he’s going to die a watery death. The killer, by the way, is exceedingly creepy. He’s not the rubbery-looking mutant you’ll find in <i>Wrong Turn</i> (a movie clearly inspired by this one); he’s just a dirty, fat slob who wheezes and giggles and walks around with mean-looking machete:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipwDFfkE8xEiM3Ez7ILY7BRpQTbVOQlevUaIgd_Ywpl1oZQTkYg-qEvVWHkC1zixYvZqjMyvhJRzMNra6KzL7iyAN9Aea6-R46-EC7dp-CV8DToZTU7Rv7Mlt4csR26hQOEpyPdmPnfgk/s1600-h/Bridge_Killer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipwDFfkE8xEiM3Ez7ILY7BRpQTbVOQlevUaIgd_Ywpl1oZQTkYg-qEvVWHkC1zixYvZqjMyvhJRzMNra6KzL7iyAN9Aea6-R46-EC7dp-CV8DToZTU7Rv7Mlt4csR26hQOEpyPdmPnfgk/s320/Bridge_Killer.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Jamie Rose and Ralph Seymour die off literally minutes later, in another perfectly played scene taking place in an abandoned chapel. Poor Ralph gets a machete in the stomach while Jamie…well, we’re not quite sure what happens to her…but it doesn’t sound good. Oh, and by the way, we find out in this scene that the big fat hillbilly killer – who thus far has seemed to move around really, really fast – is actually twins. Apparently hillbilly inbreeding makes one very fertile. Double the fun!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVwzTi7kV62rj6b3qNu_-AEWas8CVRC56iDaQbeNsnYLiq_Sh5Iolq2LGggPoyBQLz-xZfSCu-djUDFUsjXetPczqjJhFGFaVBo9HlQT8lcKBdNNNEwMyT3AueLcsAzvJ9pjmAXhWH62cn/s1600-h/Twins.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVwzTi7kV62rj6b3qNu_-AEWas8CVRC56iDaQbeNsnYLiq_Sh5Iolq2LGggPoyBQLz-xZfSCu-djUDFUsjXetPczqjJhFGFaVBo9HlQT8lcKBdNNNEwMyT3AueLcsAzvJ9pjmAXhWH62cn/s320/Twins.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div>Anyway, things roar to an exciting climax as Gregg Henry and Deborah Benson face down the dynamic duo in the middle of the woods. Well, actually, it’s just Deborah doing the facing down, as Gregg becomes a blithering idiot, crying on the ground and being generally useless. This is one area in which <i>Just Before Dawn</i> still seems incredibly modern; the man, in this case, is a total whiney wimp, whereas the woman kicks some ass. In fact, the major character arc of the movie involves Deborah becoming more and more primal, tapping into her savage side which culminates in her literally jamming her fist down one of the killer’s throats. It’s an amazing scene that I hate to ruin with a screencap…but how can I not include this?<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNETZp_xW6jvzAAI2CpwANWQcs6nmmBYPAtAo310M5kU8_TGZLA_W372H6wVP8VYwBfEuFqt19HKTnfV4udMsqEDjQ_1spig2LSZ4ObHKpMUxJoAgnbUdSws26H0C72Yn-kIOtkZwLIkI/s1600-h/Fist.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNETZp_xW6jvzAAI2CpwANWQcs6nmmBYPAtAo310M5kU8_TGZLA_W372H6wVP8VYwBfEuFqt19HKTnfV4udMsqEDjQ_1spig2LSZ4ObHKpMUxJoAgnbUdSws26H0C72Yn-kIOtkZwLIkI/s320/Fist.png" width="320" border="0" height="180" /></a></div>As I mentioned before, this is one of those movies in which all of the elements just seem to click. Everyone involved – even crazy old George Kennedy – rises to the occasion. The score is also one of the all-time horror greats; it’s amazing more movies don’t completely rip it off. <i>Just Before Dawn</i> is that rare combination of a truly effective horror movie (i.e. <i>The Exorcist</i>) that also happens to be ridiculously enjoyable (i.e. <i>I Know Who Killed Me</i>). And for that, it easily rates…<br /><br />FIVE FINGERS!!!Tower Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01117151684983587816noreply@blogger.com6