Tower Farm Reviews

Witchboard (1986)

2010-12-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

There is a performance in Witchboard that is so surprising, so multi-faceted, and so spellbinding that it should go down in history as one of the best ever in horror films. Early in the movie, the character appears to be controlled and tightly-wound; but watch closely, and you’ll see that at any moment, things are going to unravel. As the film trudges on, the performance becomes wilder and wilder, bigger beyond belief, until you can’t keep your eyes off of anything else on the screen.

Ladies and gentlemen…for your consideration as the most overlooked horror performance in history: Tawny Kitaen’s hair.

When the most compelling element of a movie is sitting atop the leading lady’s head, you know you’ve got a winner on your hands. And, my friends, Witchboard is a winner in a BIG way. From sets that look like they were constructed in someone’s garage to a plot that literally revolves around a piece of cardboard, this movie should be required viewing for any film student itching to make a scary movie. With almost nothing to work with, director Kevin Tenney somehow gets everything right, and turns out a horror movie that is not only hysterical to watch, but actually manages some brilliant jump-scares in the process. Will you love this movie? All signs point to…

So…the plot. Well, Tawny Kitaen and her wild hair are living with Todd Allen and his equally-mesmerizing unmovable face, and there’s this Ouija Board, and…okay, well, the plot’s kind of involved and requires too much typing to summarize. Suffice it to say that Tawny becomes obsessed and then possessed by an evil spirit. Oh, and there’s a love-triangle that’s kind of important, between Tawny, Todd, and soap star Stephen Nichols, sporting a pretty impressive blonde "business-mullet" himself.

Of course, we don’t care about the plot here. We are about the scares. And this is where Witchboard comes off as a masterpiece. Here’s a little anecdote to prove my point: imagine…a cold Indiana night, JM and Billy sitting on the living room floor and their parents laying on the couch. JM and Billy finally convinced their parents to rent Witchboard from DJ Video – the best VHS rental store in history – and now the family is watching it. Hey – don’t judge – this is the family that watched The Exorcist while eating dinner on TV trays. Anyway, JM and Billy have a very grumpy father who can’t lay on the couch in front of a movie without dozing off about five minutes after it starts. But every three minutes in Witchboard, there’s a jump-scare. You know…

(BANG!) A hatchet suddenly flies by the screen…

(BANG!) A phone suddenly rings…

(BANG!) An Ouija Board suddenly explodes into the air…

Some might call them “cheap” scares…but nothing’s too cheap here at Tower Farm. So, Witchboard’s jump-scares are so effective that JM, Billy, and their mother are literally levitating off the floor every three minutes until Dad, his nap interrupted, yells out, “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???” and storms out of the room. It is a classic moment in Tower Farm history, and forever endeared Witchboard to our hearts.

Of course…with the great comes the not-so-great, and to that end you have to sit through Kathleen Wilhoite’s performance as the valley-girl psychic. But, you can’t help but fall in love with everyone else on the screen – especially tobacoo-stained, whisky-voiced Rose Marie, in a thankless role as the landlady.

Like the Hasbro toy it’s based around, now available at a Toys ‘R Us near you, this movie is just way too fun to not like. In fact, it’s damned near perfect…which is what makes Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway all the more incredible…it’s actually better. So make it a double feature…and when you’re screaming out “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???”…don’t say you weren’t warned!

FOUR-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!

Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)

2010-12-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

When it comes to horror franchises, my brother JM and I are usually on the same page as to which installments are the best. Friday the 13^th? Easy. Part 6 (also known in these parts as Jason Takes The Family Channel) hands down. Halloween? Again…easy. Forget anything starring Jamie Lee Curtis. Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 is the clear winner.

But get down to the Howling series (which, let’s face it, is stretching the definition of a cohesive “franchise” as it is) and we’ve got a big problem. JM, as you can all probably guess, loves this one…and how can we blame him? Any movie that randomly builds a final credit sequence around Sybil Danning taking her top off is, by default, brilliant. But personally, I prefer the quiet elegance of Howling V: The Rebirth. And by quiet elegance, I mean a movie so cheap that the closest look we get at a werewolf comes with this silhouette, which appears to be an actor draped in my great-grandmother’s furry bathroom rug:

As you probably know, the Howling series has suffered through more re-inventions than Madonna’s career – and if Your Sister Is A Werewolf is the equivalent of Madonna going off the deep end and making that sex coffee table book, then The Rebirth is when Madonna suddenly became British and started saying words like “bullocks” and “full-stop.” You see, this movie takes a page from one of the greatest mystery books of all time, Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. Oh, hell, it takes more than a page…it takes the whole plot. A group of people gather together at an old house, only to die off one by one…killed at the hands of a…ahem…. “werewolf” (man in furry bathroom rug).

The victims here are so generic that you’ll spend most of the movie trying to remember which one is which. However, is it just me…or does this actress seem to show up in every werewolf movie from the 80s?

The other notable character here is the young heroine who inexplicably survives the movie (though almost none of the proceeding 100 minutes has focused on her). She does give us a nude-from-the-back scene (sorry, straight guys, that’s about all you get)…but is most memorable in that she looks/acts so much like Linnea Quigley that you wonder why filmmakers just didn’t get Linnea for the role:

In another bizarre piece of evidence that I create the world, Howling V manages to also use a little bit of the plot of the classic Parker Brothers Clue VCR Game in their script…namely a subplot involving an oddly-shaped birthmark that runs in the family (in this case a triangle in the crook of the elbow that looks more like an infected track mark). Sidenote...in case you’ve never heard of said game…I order you to go to Ebay NOW and start bidding. Clue VCR was a wonderful, short-lived 80s phenomenon in which players would view scenes from a shot-on-camcorder, live action play featuring Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard, and the rest of the gang, and then play a card game based on the clues given in the video. Though it boasts the production values of a pre-school talent show and acting worthy of the most half-assed Indiana community theatre production, I was – and still am – completely obsessed with Clue VCR…thus owning 3 copies of it and watching the videos at least once a month.

Oh, and speaking of pre-school production values…did I mention that the exterior shots of the remote castle in the snow in this movie are…umm…animated?

Anyway, I love this movie. JM and I have really never given the Howling series any credit though, when you think about it, it’s really made for Tower Farm. What began as a semi-respected werewolf movie starring Dee Wallace Stone quickly crumbled into a succession of increasingly stupid straight-to-video installments featuring plots including kangaroo-werewolf hybrids, ancient Budapest-ian family curses, circus sideshows, and…of course…Stirba the Werewolf Queen. Perhaps only the Hellraiser movies rival the Howlings in the courage of taking a well-liked original and completely screwing up any hope for a respectable legacy. And just for being part of that, Howling V easily rates…

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

2010-10-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

by JM

I’m not going to lie to you. I have been having a hard time lately getting really excited about writing a review. My stack of movies has been collecting dust for about a month. Recently, I wrote an entire review for the (great) movie Infestation, read it, and deleted it. The write up was a total piece of crap.

Well, today the excitement returned as The Slumber Party Collection arrived in the mail (along with a collectable bloody pillowcase—no kidding).

I have been a HUGE fan of these movies since before I was a teenager. I can still clearly remember looking at the VHS covers to these movies at Marsh Supermarket while waiting for my Mom to finish her grocery shopping. I would ogle the scantily clad women on the covers like… well, like a young sex offender to be perfectly honest. In a world before the internet, this was about a titillating as things got for a twerpy kid in Muncie, IN.

When I finally was old enough to start renting these films, they actually lived up to my steep expectations. Nothing about these movies has ever let me down.

It all kicked off in 1982, with the release of The Slumber Party Massacre. Penned by feminist author Rita Mae Brown (who Billy briefly met this year… and FAILED to ask her about this movie!), this is a movie for women and about female empowerment.

Okay, that is not 100% accurate. It is about a serial killer that uses a drill to kill his victims and the group of teen girls that he is stalking. And I gotta say, it is a rare and brave movie that casts a middle-aged guy as the killer. But, it works.

The movie opens with remarkable subtlety and restraint as a teenager tosses out some garbage outside of her home as her parents hurriedly rush off to catch a flight. As the girl walks off toward school, a creepy male hand is shown reaching into the garbage can and pulling out a Barbie doll.

Oh, yeah… the same girl was shown topless about 3 seconds into the movie. Like I said, subtlety and restraint.

Now, if there was ever any debate as to what year this was filmed, the following photo should put any doubt to rest:

Could these two guys be any more “period”? I mean, give me a break! Those guys look like extras in a deleted scene from Hot Tub Time Machine, right?!

Slumber Party Massacre has it all. There is gore, blood, and even a Carrie-esque girls locker room scene that is all boobs and butts.

Also, the movie is also notable to being the first credited screen role for scream queen Brinke Stevens (crickets around the world start chirping). Given that I know her best from her roles in Demon Lust, Delta Delta Die, and Cheerleader Massacre, it was kind of jarring to see her looking so attractive and... not so... worn out.

When one considers the great trilogies, I am sure that franchises like The Godfather, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings come to mind. Well, bullshit. Those movies are boring. The Slumber Party Massacre movies are the greatest trilogy ever produced. I can’t wait to rewatch the next two installments!

5 fingers!

Now, on to a different note: Billy and I will be attending Screamfest in Orlando, FL again this year. With guests like Robert Englund, John Carpenter, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon, Linea Quigley, Elvira, Gary Busey, and (are you sitting?) Lita Ford (?!?!?!?!?!), this is sure to be the best one yet. Let us know if you will be there!

Do You Wanna Know A Secret (2001)

2010-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

There comes a point in every horror fan's life that is unavoidable: you're walking through your local DVD store, scanning the shelves, and suddenly realize you've seen every single slasher out there. At first you try to shrug it off, sure that you'll find something you don't already own. You glance over the dozens of copies of Saw and Final Destination, hoping that something new is accidentally sandwiched in between. Then you start looking over the Friday the 13th and Elm Street movies, thinking that maybe there's a re-release with some added footage or something. Next you move on to the Urban Legend and I Know What You Did Last Summer series, hoping beyond hope that another straight-to-DVD sequel has come out.

Nothing. Nada. The sweat starts beading up on your brow. Your heart starts thumping. Is this it? Have you really reached the end of the horror movie section...and there's absolutely nothing new? You pick up a copy of When A Stranger Calls -- the remake, of course, which you already own -- and wonder if you should just buy it again, so you at least have something to take home. You put it down, realizing that's stupid. Jesus...what's wrong with us?

It's desperation like this that lead me to actually purchase Do You Wanna Know A Secret one sad afternoon at a MovieStop. I'd looked over the box thousands of times, snickering at its cheap imitation of Scream's cover design and the fact that the top-billed stars were Joey Lawrence and Chad Allen. I always felt so superior, knowing that even the $3.99 price tag was too high considering there was something better right around the corner.

And then, that day...nothing better was around the corner anymore.

Well, I'm happy to report that my shame at having bought the movie quickly turned to jubilation when I realized that it was exactly I needed. It is I Know What You Did Last Summer made by morons. Which, let's face it, was already a moronic movie to begin with. So this one is double stupid. Which pretty much describes Tower Farm.

So, Do You Wanna Know A Secret revolves around a group of college friends on Spring Break in Florida. Among this group of losers is Joey Lawrence, whose main goal as an actor here seems to be wearing the tightest shirts possible. This movie showcases Joey in his post-"Blossom" but pre-Lex Luthor phase, which alone ranks it as an interesting historical artifact. I personally am a big fan of this Joey, as he doesn't quite have the look of a plastic action figure yet (although his lips are so glossy they appear to be laminated):

Chad Allen plays a character who is...well...completely ill-defined and dies off early. I was kind of hoping that this movie would take a cue from "St. Elsewhere" -- the TV series which ended with an insane final episode that revealed the entire series had taken place in the head of the autistic character played by Chad. Sadly, that didn't happen. Anyway, all the other "college kids" here are totally generic and not worthy of mention. For example, lead girl Dorie Barton seems cast solely based on the fact that she looks and speaks exactly like Reese Witherspoon:

The most notable bit of casting here is the addition of Jeff Conaway as an FBI agent. Being that the only other time I've recently seen Conaway it's been on shows like VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club" and "Celebrity Rehab" -- which revealed him to be a drug-addled mess -- it's kind of nice to see him speaking clearly and at least appearing lucid. That said, the startlingly loose grip with which he holds his gun doesn't say much for his immersion into the character:

Being that nothing happens for a good forty minutes of running time, here's another great shot of filmmakers hoping to confuse audiences into thinking Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon is in their movie:

Anyway, even after discovering that their buddy Chad has been killed (by someone who left behind a note reading "Do You Wanna Know A Secret?") -- the gang decides to stay in town, enjoying the hot tub, pool, and making mixed drinks in the blender. This also continues after another kid from their college is killed, with the same ridiculous words carved into his body (which seems like a lot of work for the killer, by the way -- couldn't he have just carved in "secret" or something? Or maybe an abbreviation -- "DYWKAS"?). Personally, I think it's great that these kids can keep partying in the midst of so much death.

However, all good parties must come to an end...and finally the rest of the kids start getting butchered. I think. Because none of the deaths actually happen on camera, I guess I can't be sure that they're dying. But I think the pools of blood around the bodies indicate murder.

In an act of complete stupidity, the lead girl follows the killer out to the middle of the Everglades, making absolutely no attempt to conceal her car as she pulls up closely behind him in a large clearing. I won't even attempt to explain what happens at the climax, except to say that it bring us to this:

Oh, and Chad Allen turns out to be the killer.

So, yeah, this movie is totally stupid. It was, however, more than worth the $3.99 I finally paid for it, and has given me hope for the next time I visit MovieStop and wander the aisles in panic, afraid that I have nothing left to live for. Because, dammit, there is still something to live for! Joey Lawrence proved that once. Leslie Vernon...could you be next?

THREE FINGERS

The Black Dahlia (2006)

2010-09-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

2006's big-screen disasterpiece The Black Dahlia is my favorite Dario Argento movie ever.

Oh, sure, I know the movie is credited to Brian De Palma. But who are they kidding? We've got a convoluted and completely implausible plot strung together by unnecessary camera tricks, performances that range from brain-dead to mind-blowingly histrionic, Eurotrashy dialogue (including: "I think you'd rather f*ck me than kill me...but you don't have the guts to do either!"), and an ending so abrupt that one wonders if a studio exec finally just decided to pull the funding and call it quits. Oh...and did I mention the crazy old hag character with too much eyeliner that's introduced early in the movie and then turns out to be important in the end? Hello...am I talking about The Black Dahlia or Deep Red?

Anyway, this movie is based on the book by James Ellroy, which in turn is based on the actual Black Dahlia murder case from 1940s Los Angeles. The facts of the unsolved crime are extremely creepy and it's the kind of story screaming out for a great, chilling movie adaptation.

Someday I hope that happens.

For now, we'll make do with this faux-Italian comedy of errors, which stars the blandest pair of leading men this side of the Miami Vice movie and two female leads who are so miscast that it's almost painful to watch them. And by painful, I mean my stomach was in knots from the constant fits of laughter.

The men are Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart, playing police partners who become obsessed with the murder of a young actress nicknamed the Black Dahlia. Eckart in particular goes off the deep end, acting less like a haunted investigator than like a really mean drunk who's just been refused another shot by the bartender. Why exactly Aaron becomes such an a-hole and so devoted to the dead girl is never explained nor explored, leaving us with a really pissy rageaholic who just seems like a big baby.

Hartnett, on the other hand, is just adorable in his role as a jaded, embittered cop. Looking like a 12-year-old on "bring your son to work day," Josh tries hard to adopt the tough-guy indifference of a Bogart or a Ladd. He doesn't do a bad job...unfortunately, in the period costumes and contantly smoking, he just comes across like a bored and confused kid...like his dad brought him along to work and then left him in the waiting room all day (kind of like our dad, Ralph, did to JM and me...which explains why we are basically bored and confused adults).

But where The Black Dahlia really scores is with its actresses. Scarlett Johannsson is the top-billed lady here, although her role amounts to a couple of scenes as the woman who comes between the two cops. I'm actually not really sure why this character was included at all, as she doesn't really do anything of importance regarding the story. My guess is that someone decided since Scarlett Johannsson is always trying really hard to look like she's a 1940s actress, they should just go ahead and put her in the film.

Rose McGowan makes a welcome appearance here, in a one-scene role where she speaks as if she's rehearsing a scene from "Charmed" (i.e. not even attempting to sound period-appropriate). Fiona Shaw plays the crazy old lady in a performance that is so over-the-top that she may as well be on Mars. I imagine everyone was just too afraid of this woman to tell her to bring it down a few notches, resulting in a performance that is so crazily Italian you'll be amazed that a) it's not dubbed, and b) it's not Piper Laurie.

But true top honors here go to Hilary Swank, she of the two Oscars, who turns in a performance that will absolutely win her a Farmy Award as Best Actress Impersonating Katherine Hepburn And James Corburn At The Same Time. (I have no idea what that means, but it's making me laugh right now, so I'm leaving it). Basically, she looks totally weird, speaks totally weird, and kicks this little film up to a new level of stupid. Here's the thing...Hilary Swank may be a great actress, but she's been cast in the sexpot role here. She's the all-out femme fatale who's supposed to entangle men in her web of sex and mystery. And...well...she's not a sexpot. Here, she's more like a gawky teen boy who's just rented the "sexy Elvira" costume for Halloween:

Look, I have no idea how nobody put a stop to this mess before it was released. Surely at some point somebody looked around, shook their head, and muttered: "This can't end well." Thankfully, that person kept his or her mouth shut, The Black Dahlia hit theatres, and now we can enjoy insanity again and again. Rarely has an American film channeled Eurotrash so effortlessly (well...except for this all-time American Eurotrash classic), and that alone merits it...

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!

Crimes Of Passion (1984)

2010-09-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Can I just say...we LOVE our followers/commenters. Really, we do. Because of you, we often discover treasure troves of sleaze that otherwise would have collected dust on the shelf of our local video store, crying out to be rented and trashed. For example, our friend and filmmaker Static_OmegaFPL recently left this comment on our review of Psycho III:

"And, it seems to me Perkins was channeling Ken Russell in this movie, as a director. He had just starred in Crimes Of Passion (which I'd LOVE to see you lay into as well)."

Well, Damien...thanks to you, I've just finished watching the movie that puts the "gross" in "engrossing." Seriously. How skeevy is Crimes Of Passion? Try this line of dialogue on for size: "If you think you're gonna get back in my panties, forget it. There's one asshole in there already."

Blecccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Anyway, Crimes stars one of our favorite "ladies-of-the-80s" -- Kathleen Turner, a LONG way from Cartagena -- in the ultra-realistic role of a successful fashion designer who moonlights as a hooker named China Blue. Actually, upon writing this, I'm watching an episode of "Project Runway" where several desigers seem to be prostituting themselves for a shot at fame on reality TV...so maybe Kathleen was just ahead of her time. No matter...why exactly this character leads a double life is never really explained...but it does give her the chance to overact in a Blondie wig and attempt to say lines like this one with an ounce of dignity: "Although we may run out of Pan Am coffee, we will never run out of TWA tea."

In case you missed the meaning...just say the last 2 words out loud again.

Along the way, our gal China attracts the attention to two men. One is druggy street preacher Peter Shayne, played with a beautiful, understated subtlety by Anthony Perkins.

Gotcha! Actually...Anthony spends the entire movie twitching, screaming, covered in flop sweat, and waving around a nasty looking metal vibrator that he dreams of boffing women to death with. Now, including just one scene with this vibrator-slash-weapon would be classy enough, but thankfully Ken Russell decides to make it a major part of the story...to the point that I was forced to throw away my electric toothbrush last night due to a traumatic reaction to the buzzing sound.

The other man obsessed with China is played by John Laughlin (who looks exactly like swimmer Michael Phelps...who already kind of looks like a brain-dead Gomer Pyle) and is accordingly so completely dull that I'm not sure Laughlin didn't just wander onto the set by accident and end up walking through scenes that were already in progress. One happy side-effect of his presence, though, is the brilliant casting of the character of his sexually frustrated wife. Get ready for it, people...we've got ANNIE-friggin'-POTTS. Yes, Designing Women's Mary Jo Shively...in a sex thriller. These are the casting choices Tower Farm is built on. I prayed and prayed that this meant Meshach Taylor would show up as a trick...but alas, it was just a fantasy:

Anyway, I'd love to tell you more about the plot...but frankly, there is none. I can tell you that we do get perhaps the most irritating synth-and-sax score since...well...ever. We also get lots of random shots of drawings from the Kama Sutra, which is fun. Oh, and did I mention neon lights? Everywhere? In every scene?

And in case you don't feel moved to sit through any of that, can I at least recommend the final scene, in which Anthony is finally stabbed to death...with the metal vibrator....while wearing Kathleen's wig and dress...?

Why this movie was ever made -- let alone with the participation of some respectable people -- must be one of the great mysteries of modern cinema. But thank God it was. This is truly the movie to watch on those lazy days when you don't feel like taking a shower. Trust me...within minutes you'll be standing under scalding hot water trying to wash away the sleaze eminating from your TV. Thankfully for Ken (who also directed this icky classic), Kathleen, and company...we LOVE hot showers!

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS

Psycho III (1986)

2010-09-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

I recently heard a well-respected film critic say, “If you only see one Psycho movie, see Psycho III.”

Okay, that’s a lie. It was my brother, JM, who said that.

But really, he deserves a lot of respect for having the courage to say something so wise and yet to sure-to-be controversial. Psycho III really is the greatest of the series. Well, other than the amazing remake starring the self-pleasuring Vince Vaughn and a walkman. But that’s another review for another day.

Opening with actress Diana Scarwid screaming, “THERE IS NO GOD” as if she’s been asked to imitate a coyote readying for attack, this masterpiece immediately thrusts the viewer into a world of hammy overacting and annoying camera angles, a world that will make the next hour and a half fly by like years. This opening scene, in which young nun Diana accidentally causes the death of another nun, easily surpasses the original’s “death of Arbogast” as possibly the worst-staged demise in film history, especially when followed by an evil nun gleefully taunting, “You’ll burn in hell for this!” instead of running for help. Man, nuns are mean.

Anyway, Diana runs away and hitches a ride with a lecherous drifter who kicks her out of his car after she rejects his advances (his farewell, by the way, is my new favorite quote, “You could’ve been comin’ rather than goin’!”). And so, the poor gal ends up walking to the deserted Bates Motel. Just in case we stupid viewers couldn’t figure out that it’s supposed to be deserted, the director lets this tumbleweed the size of an industrial washing machine blow through the frame:

Let me introduce you to this director of great subtlety, by the way…

Yes, in the case of Psycho III, Anthony Perkins takes the lead both in front of and behind the camera and seems determined to show us just exactly what a great director can do.

And that great director is…umm…Alfred Hitchcock, who clearly forced Anthony to play with great restraint when he originated the role of Normal Bates back in 1960. Here, Mr. Perkins directs himself to immediately go off the deep end, speaking his lines in such a jarring, machine-gun style that I challenge any of you to listen to his first few lines of dialogue and have any clue what he’s talking about.

Anyway, the arrival of Diana sets poor Norman on an even further downward spiral. Hell, he becomes a twitching, jittery mess, and all apparently because of her remarkable resemblance to Marion Crane (played by Janet Leigh in the original). It’s actually pretty amazing that Norman’s been able to survive during the years since he’s been released from the looney bin, considering all it took to make him completely nuts again was a woman with short blonde hair…which, let’s be honest, is the only thing Diana Scarwid and Janet Leigh have in common. That said, I defy anyone to tell me that Diana Scarwid and Denise Crosby (of this amazing film) are not the same woman:

Whatever Anthony the director may lack in controlling his actors, he more than makes up for in boobs and bad 80s aesthetics. May I present to you Exhibit A:

This doll ends up on the wrong end of Norman’s knife after wandering around the hotel topless for no apparent reason (I hate to ever say someone is asking to be killed…but come on…). The murder, by the way, happens in a phone booth, and is staged just like the original’s shower scene…except for the missing tension and suspense, and the addition of hilariously loud, goopy fake blood that is clearly being spurt out from a plastic bottle by a production assistant just out of frame.
The second death scene is even classier than the first, in that it involves a young hotel guest actually sitting on the toilet when she bites the big one. She inexplicably grabs the rolls of toilet paper as she falls off the pot, leading Mrs. Bates to make perhaps the most awesome move in slasher history:

Anyway, lots of other things happen, but what’s important to note is that the movie ends like this:

I’m not even going to explain it. The fact is, you must see this movie. After all, as a well-respected film critic once said, “If you only see one Psycho movie, see Psycho III.” It truly is, for us, the most enjoyable of them all. It takes everything that worked in the original, throws that away, the fills the holes with the best conventions of 80s horror. It’s brilliant.
FOUR FINGERS

Burial Of The Rats (1995)

2010-09-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Somehow this movie escaped me for far too long. I’d never seen it – never even seen previews or the box cover in stores– and didn’t hear about it until I read Adrienne Barbeau’s memoir There Are Worse Things I Could Do. She devotes an entire chapter to it, calling it only “The Rat Movie,” which is a hilarious account of no-budget movie making. Even still, my interest wasn’t that great until she wrote about the young leading lady, who she described in…shall we say…less than complimentary terms. So I looked the movie up and lo and behold, that young leading lady is none other than Tower Farm fave Maria Ford.

It held the number one spot on my Netflix queue that night.

Well, Burial Of The Rats is everything Adrienne wrote it would be…and more. For starters, the credits insist it's based on a story by Bram Stoker. Which is strange, since the lead character in this movie is named Bram Stoker. Did Stoker write stories about himself? Is this an autobiographical film? This much is never made clear. However, anytime a movie stars Maria Ford and claims to be based on the work of a classic author (see: The Haunting Of Morella, Necrinomicon: Book of the Dead), you know you’re in for a journey filled with insane dialogue, overacting, and lot (and lots) of boobs.

This movie scores big time within the first 10 minutes. Bram is kidnapped by Maria, who is wearing this period-realistic thong costume under her robe:

Maria is apparently part of an of all-women rat kingdom, ruled over by Queen Adrienne, who controls the ladies and hundreds of rats with her magical flute. Yes…you just read that sentence correctly. She actually calls herself “the Pied Piper’s twisted sister” – a line that must have Dee Snider pissed as hell over his missed opportunity at the greatest band name ever.

Oh, and for no specified reason, Adrienne uses an adorable mini-guillotine to behead rats sometimes:

The all-women kingdom is pretty awesome, and even boasts Linnea Quigley in a non-speaking role amongst its ranks. The ladies are generally either topless or wearing fur bikinis, and come off exactly like the centerpiece skit in the comedy Amazon Women On The Moon, which features the similar premise of an all-girl kingdom turned upside-down by men. In this case, Maria starts falling for Bram – a strange development, considering a) he killed her sister, b) she’s presumably been a lesbian until now, and c) Bram looks like this:

Nonetheless, you know where this is going. Leave it to a man to screw a good thing up.

Let’s talk for a moment about Maria. In short, she’s awesome. Making absolutely no attempt to appear like a woman from the 1700s (or 1800s? 1600s? Oh, who the hell knows…), she speaks in her patented 90s-California-sex-kitten voice and manages to bear her ass in every single scene by wearing a thong that rides so high on her hips it comes off like the most extreme locker room wedgie ever:

The other women are mainly Russian, I think (it was filmed in Moscow), and dubbed to wonderful effect (in other words, appearing drunk). Several of them also bear a striking resemblance to Julianna Margulies at various stages in her career…for example, this pair, who seem to be showing us how much Julianna has changed between Ghost Ship and “The Good Wife”:

The rat gals go around on nightly “raids” – attacking establishments that prey on women, such as a monastery full of lecherous monks and a brothel that recruits kids. While I think we’re supposed to dislike the rat women, they’re actually doing really good work, and had my full support. Unfortunately, Maria is kidnapped (during a sword fight which must be seen to be believed) and so Bram must be “initiated” into the rat kingdom so that he can go rescue her. This initiation, by the way, consists of drinking the blood of one of the women and then being stripped naked in front of the rest. Which, at least to me, doesn't actually seem that bad…until it’s revealed that he’s also been forced to paint this logo on his back, which is just embarrassing:

Anyway…blah blah blah…we finally get to the climactic battle between women, rats, and men in colonial-wear, looking about as authentic as those actors who walk around Colonial Williamsburg making tourists uncomfortable. In an incredibly stupid move, the Queen breaks her flute during a fit and ends up being attacked by her own rats. Well, that’s what we’re told happens. However, by studying the following screenshot, it appears that the rats actually just stumble upon a pan of spaghetti sauce:

So, anyway, clearly this movie is wonderful. I’d like to personally thank Adrienne Barbeau for making it, and even more for writing about it and bringing it to my attention. I'd like to think that if Bram Stoker were still be alive, he'd be really proud that something he wrote was turned into a masterpiece of boobs, rats, and Prego meat sauce. What more could an author ask for?

FOUR FINGERS!

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

2010-07-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy and JM

We’ve always said at Tower Farm that sequels are better than the originals, but it’s a much less-publicized fact that we are, in particular, fans of Part 3s. Part 3s generally take one of two courses of actions; they either go in a completely different direction, totally screwing up any continuity in the series thus far (Halloween III, Withboard III), or they try to make up for the errors of a misguided Part 2 and bring back the original cast, hoping to strike gold again. This particular movie sort of takes both tracks at once, bringing back characters from Part 1 while also adding insanely stupid elements such as dream powers and changing the villain from a creepy boogeyman into a stand-up comedian. Of course, we love this movie...hell, at TF, we call it A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Cast. Come on…you’ve got a literally sleepwalking Patricia Arquette, Laurence Fishburne a hundred pounds lighter than you’re used to seeing him, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and the musical involvement of Dokken!

Let’s set the stage for the plot here: you’ve got a neighborhood, and all the kids are unable to sleep and going completely nuts. Rather than try figure out what the hell toxic chemical’s in the water, the parents ship all the teens off to a mental institution…wherein nobody seems to make the connection that they’re all from the same neighborhood (hell…from the same damn street) and having the same dreams. Jesus Christ, this is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen as soon as Erin Brockovich hears about this. You’d also think by the third movie, old Freddy would be smarter than to collect the kids all in one place, where they’ll be able to plan attacks against him. Maybe he’s just trying to round up a captive audience for his ninety-minute set of lame jokes/zingers.

This time around we focus on the character of Kirsten. Or Kristen. We’re not really sure what her name is since she’d referred to as both. This character is played by Patricia, who seems to think this is an initial read-through instead of the actual filming. The lack of enthusiasm with which she recites her lines is unparalleled…that is, until she’ll star in the show “Medium” years later. At least she’s consistent. Kristin/Kirsten has an awesome mom who’s a mixture of all the mom characters from the original cast of “Beverly Hills: 90210.” It’s hard to tell if she’s a coke addict, an alcoholic, a plain-old frustrated soccer mom, or Mrs. Cleaver. Anyway, she sends her daughter to the loony bin after what she thinks is a suicide attempt, but is actually an attack by a sink faucet. Seriously.

Heather Langenkamp is the newest staff member at the hospital; in the years following part one, Nancy has apparently become a “grad school superstar” in the field of “pattern nightmares” (which, we’re not sure, but might include the wallpaper in every room of our childhood Muncie, Indiana home). Nancy also seems to have acquired the hair of the Bride of Frankenstein; the curly mop with the grey streak is literally so startling upon first glance that it’s no wonder the kids around her are all attempting suicide.

Nancy and Kristen/Kirsten develop a special bond when the younger girl drags the older one into her dream. This is, you see, is her “dream power” – something we’re never heard about until now, but sure as hell could have helpful to the poor kids who’ve died in the past two movies. This dream, by the way, features the famous “Freddy worm” – which tries to eat Kristen/Kirsten, but upon closer inspection, is actually gobbling up an oddly shaped stunt woman.

Soon we meet the rest of the Elm Street kids, a wonderful group of idiots that really sets this movie apart from the other sequels. Each group therapy session starts with the fantastic line “Straight talk only in this room,” which we plan to start using daily for no apparent reason other than it makes us laugh. Leading the therapy groups is a doctor played by Craig Wasson and looking exactly like Bill Maher, and this movie’s version of mean Nurse Ratched, whom JM lovingly describes as “the human cigarette.”

Meanwhile, Philip is the sleepwalker who looks a lot like the gross brother in “The Wonder Years,” there’s Will in the wheelchair – possibly played by Sally Jesse Raphael, in her film debut – as well as the always enjoyable Jennifer Rubin playing bad girl Taryn, and our favorite duo Kincaid and Joey, who somehow become the breakout stars of this group (which should tell you something about the rest of these twits). Oh, and we can’t forget Jennifer, the wannabe actress who burns herself with cigarettes. There’s no proof to back this up, but we are convinced this is indeed Tara Reid in her finest performance…aside from her stunning work in “Taradise.”

Along with the awesome characters, this is the Nightmare in which filmmakers decided the best way to keep audiences entertained is to be as gross as possible when it comes to the death scenes. To that end, we get Philip’s veins ripped out of his arms and legs and used as marionette strings, Jennifer’s head slammed into a television set moments after an appearance by both Zsa Zsa and Dick Cavett, Joey tied to a bed with a bunch of wagging tongues, and our personal favorite, the still-nauseating image of little mouths popping up on recovering junkie Taryn’s arms and begging to be fed with heroine.

These deaths give Robert Englund a chance to really let loose in his Shecky Green routine, spitting out one-liners that were reportedly sometimes ad-libbed. Here’s just a sample of Robert’s fine work as a thespian and author:
-“What’s wrong, Joey? Feeling tongue-tied?” – moments after Joey is…umm…tied up with tongues
-“Welcome to primetime, bitch!” – moments before Jennifer’s smashed into the TV
-“Let’s get high!” – moments before brandishing a hand full of hypodermic needles

Unfortunately for Robert, all of these lines are completely overshadowed by Kincaid’s classic taunt, “Yo, Freddy! Where you hiding at, you burnt-face pussy?” He then follows it with a terse but effective, “Krueger, pussy!”

Also important to note: this is the Nightmare in which we learn that Freddy is the “bastard son of a hundred maniacs” and apparently the only way to kill him is to bury him in hallowed ground. Umm…we’d love to make a joke here, but this is just too stupid to even bother. It does, however, bring us John Saxon as Nancy’s father, who must lead the crew back to Freddy’s remains. Nancy’s dad is now a drunk who apparently never takes off his cop uniform. Saxon, of course, looks exactly the same as he does in every other movie.

Anyway…clearly this is a great movie. It’s the beginning of the turning point in the Freddy movies, with the villain slowly becoming more and more comedic and the death scenes becoming more and more stupid; of course, it would take Renny Harlin to really blow the lid off the series, which he did in the very next installment.. But in the pantheon of great horror Part 3s, this one ranks near the top of the list, topped off by the great original poster and the awesome Dokken theme song. Nothing can top this Part 3 -- but Nightmare easily ranks...

FOUR-AND-A-HALF-FINGER KNIVES!!

Tenebre (1982)

2010-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

by Billy & JM

Also known as Unsane, Dario Argento’s Tenebre opens on a cold winter’s night. At least, we think so...since our killer is reading a book with his gloves on. The book is called “Tenebrae” and is written by American author Peter Neal. Apparently, the book is not very good, because after reading a few passages, the killer hurls it into a fire. Cue what is perhaps the grossest song ever to include an accordian (which is saying a lot) and you have the opening credits to this 1982 disasterpiece.

This particular movie probably best illustrates Argento’s knack for casting the finest examples of Eurotrash this side of Abba. Take for instance, the mysterious woman in the airport. I don’t think I am giving much away here when we tell you that she is in the movie solely as body count. However, her death is certainly the most memorable, as you will soon see. Until then, marvel at this picture of 1980s Italian sexiness:

We soon find out that Peter Neal is the most popular writer in the world. In fact, his books are so popular that retail cosmetic store stock copies of his novels next to the perfume displays. His books are so in demand that prostitutes choose to shoplift them over much more valuable items, like… well, anything else for sale at a store.

Unfortunately for the thieving hooker that we meet -- in what is perhaps the most extreme example of “crime doesn’t pay” -- after being nabbed for swiping the paperback, she gets pages of the book shoved in her face and her throat slit. Wow. They sure are tough in Rome.

Shortly after this poor girl’s death, we are introduced to a cast of characters that include John Saxon as Peter's unfortunately-named agent Bullmer, Daria Nicolodi as the author’s secretary, and Billy’s Eurotrash obsession, John Steiner as book reviewer Christiano Berti:

Well, to be fair, the above picture is from a different movie. John Steiner actually looks like this in Tenebre:

While arriving at Peter Neil’s hotel with the author’s completely ridiculous entourage, the group is greeted by the Italian prototype for The X-Files. We did not bother to try to remember the characters’ real names, but prefer to just call them Scullyari and Mulderoni. These clowns inform Peter that someone obsessed with his novel is killing people...news which they all toast to with a glass of scotch.

Dressed completely in white and wearing slightly less makeup that a mime, Daria Nicolodi’s presence in this movie is an absolute mystery. Why Peter Neil has a traveling secretary and what this woman does is beyond us at Tower Farm. However, if anyone reading this is on travel through Europe and needs a secretary, please forward us an application. Of note, Theresa Russell (who played Denise Richards's mom in Tower Farm fave Wild Things) supplied the voice for Daria in this movie. Though I have read that Daria Nicolodi is perturbed at having her real voice removed from the English version of the film, we enjoy the fact that the sloppy dubbing actually makes this character appear slightly drunk throughout the entire flick. Well done!

Also of note is the fact that John Saxon looks the same today as he does in this movie. Does this guy age?

After the most boring single tracking shot in movie history (we fly over an entire house for what seems like ten minutes), we are given our next two victims, a pair of trashy topless lesbians. Though these totally drunk babes surely should have been easy targets, our killer chooses pretty complicated ways to dispatch of them. For example, he cuts through a shirt as one is putting her top on. Weird.

As with all Italian movies, the next twenty minutes are pretty boring. The author talks, John Saxon walks, and Daria Nicolodi… well, she just seems to be piling on more and more face makeup.

I mean, seriously. Just look. Daria's neck is a shade darker than her pancaked face!

Anyway a couple of people die… more talking…

Finally, we get back to our Eurotrash wonder from the airport at the beginning of the movie. It turns out that she is the estranged fiancee of Peter Neal. She has been following him around in a jealous rage all over Italy. Well, her stalker behavior is put to a quick and spectacular end with a drop of an axe.

Thankfully, Argento makes up for about 45 minutes of talking with a final ten minutes of blood spewing and non-stop screaming. In fact, poor Theresa Russell was forced to scream so much that this may explain why she sounds so much like Kathleen Turner today.

While many people will defend this movie until they are blue in the face, we cannot give it a 5 finger rating, because it’s “sequel”, Trauma, is so much better. Had Piper Laurie been in this one, perhaps we would have liked it better.

3 and a half fingers!

Blood Gnome (2004)

2010-07-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

by JM

The back of the box features praise for the movie by Stuart Gordon. The front of the box features the tagline, “This is one sexy horrific ride”. It credits “Special Guest Stars Julie Strain and the Porcelain Twinz” (I have long been a Julie Strain fan --the abhorrent Delta Delta Die being a personal favorite. I am also happy to report that the “Special Guest Stars” Porcelain Twins have not made a movie since this one). Needless to say, I could not believe what I was looking at when I picked up the box for this flick at Movie Stop this afternoon.

Caressing the DVD box as kid might a wrapped present on Christmas Eve, I was simply giddy with excitement over what wonders awaited me.

This movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes. There is not a whole lot more that you need to know. But, if you are interested, read on.

I gotta tell ya, you know you are in for a treat when a DVD… which offers no previews… starts like this:

I mean it. No previews and it tells the viewer that they are watching the “FEATURE PRESENTATION”! Farmhands know that we love laziness and stupidity. This move really delivers on both counts.

The movie follows the story of a crime scene photographer, who has recently lost his wife. She was murdered. But, don’t worry, that is not important. In fact, there seems to be no reason at all to give this guy any back story. Weird that the writer did.

Anyway, while taking pictures at a crime scene, he runs into a woman that knew the victims. And, so you have our attractive two main characters:

Through his fancy camera, our hero figures out that little gnomes (invisible to the naked eye) are running around killing men and women participating in BDSM . This is lucky news to the viewers of this movie for two reasons. Firstly, the BDSM angle allows for ample female (sorry Billy) nudity. Secondly, the gnomes are wonderful, looking like the best Boglins ever.

Speaking of BDSM, according to Wikipedia, this is "...a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release". That definition pretty much jives with what I have gleened from watching episodes of CSI. I wonder, though, if the writer of this movie had any idea what BDSM is. Because, according to this film this practice looks like:

Anyway, eventually our photographer becomes the de facto lead detective on the case, with his new girlfriend in tow. Nothing about this makes any sense to me. But, perhaps this is normal procedure in cases when the real detectives hit a dead end. Who knows?

Thankfully, though, the actually police return to the movie after awhile. This allows one of the detectives to utter my favorite line in the movie: “…our killer has a bloodlust”. The expression no shit, Sherlock sure seems fitting at this point.

Speaking of ample nudity. Julie Strain (and the Porcelain Twinz) appears toward the end of the movie. She has no lines and pretty much walks around a club naked. This is as it should be.

Like I said, this movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes.

Four Fingers!

Fear House (2008)

2010-06-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Like a strange gift from God, Fear House somehow ended up in my mailbox one day. I have no idea when or why I added this movie to my Netflix queue, or how I even heard of it…but somewhere along the line either I clicked it into my list of movies or a power greater than I decided I needed to see it. If it be the latter, I’d like to publicly thank that deity for leading me to this marvel of cheap filmmaking. From an opening credits sequence that could’ve been made on a Windows Paint program to acting reminiscent of the best high school play I never saw, I enjoyed this one start to finish.

So, according to the Netflix sleeve, the plot here revolves around a group of people “ tracking down reclusive writer Samantha Ballard to her remote desert home.” Perhaps this is the case, but I was so startled by this Samantha Ballard character’s initial resemblance to 90s songbird Lisa Loeb that I couldn’t quite focus on anything else.

Once inside, our group of idiots (who, as far as I can tell, include Samantha’s brother, ex-husband, agent, and…ummm…others?) find the author looking…well…a little rough around the edges, and babbling about how they’ll die if they try to leave the house. The mansion, you see, is apparently haunted by a female ghost that preys on people’s fears. As if anyone should be surprised, given that the place looks like Dracula’s castle, featuring arched doorways, stone walls, cobwebs, and candelabras worthy of Liberace’s dream house.

The fear thing is very Nightmare on Elm Street 3-ish, sans the wizards and flying tongues. At the very beginning, some trampy character goes on and on about being afraid of dogs, basically to the point of BEGGING to be killed by one, and before you know it she’s attacked by a crazed hound and eaten alive. Well, I think it was a dog that killed her. It’s a little tough to say considering this is the only glimpse we get (along with some synthesizer-created dog barks):

Even after the first two people die, our cast of characters is remarkably calm, having all kinds of introspective conversations alerting us, the audience, to their fears. Of course, these knuckleheads are also alerting the witch girl to their fears, which makes it impossible to do anything else but cheer as they’re killed off. For example, if you’d just been told the story about the little girl ghost…and then actually saw a little girl run past you in darkened hallway, is there any chance you’d go running after her, crying out “Come back, little girl…I won’t hurt you…”? I sure as hell wouldn’t. But one of these twits does, and ends up like this:

The plot ends up unfolding as basically a bizarre carbon copy of Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, as the characters become more and more paranoid of the ghost-witch who might be real or might be all in their heads. Samantha, played by Aleece Jones, is so over-the-top that she actually makes Blair 2’s Erica Leerhsen look like an actress of subtlety; I quickly fell in love with her high-school-drama-class twitches and creepy half smiles, given straight to camera.

The special effects are a real marvel; especially appreciated is the scene in which a girl – strapped to a wheelchair – starts spinning in circles out of control. This, mind you, has nothing to do with her fear of drowning, but probably seemed like a good idea at the time. I also love that the main girl ends up being burned alive, and thus looking like this:

Awesome.

Anyway, the end had something to do with the author and her brother being related to the ghost girl. I think. I actually have no idea what was going on at the end. And really, who cares? This movie is a complete mess, and a kind of loveable one at that. My brother is obsessed with Blair Witch 2 – it’s one of his favorite movies ever. Well, JM – this movie may have been an unexpected gift in my mailbox, but you should expect it in yours soon. You can thank me later.

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!

Wolfen (1981)

2010-06-02T04:12:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Starring the extremely bizarre quartet of Albert Finney, Edward James Olmos, Gregory Hines, and Tom Noonan, Wolfen is one of a few modern movies that has somehow managed to attain “classic” status in the werewolf subgenre. Personally, I’d consider this to be a little unfair; it’s like saying JM and are I amongst the most successful graduates of our Indiana high school. This may be a true statement, but really anyone without a meth habit and a police record would be more successful than three-fourths of our high school peers. So…yes, Wolfen may be considered a seminal werewolf film, but it’s hard to fail when your toughest competition includes the increasingly insane Howling series and the Jack Nicholson disaster Wolf.

Set on the streets of New York City in the early 80s (which means lots of headbands and jean jackets), Wolfen opens with the murders of a wealthy businessman, his cokehead wife, and their driver. I think we’re supposed to assume some kind of animal kills them, but I’m actually banking on a shroom-eating hippie, based on the fact that the killer’s point-of-view is filmed like this:

Anyway, these initial deaths are satisfyingly gory and kind of creepy, and lead to the even scarier scenes of New York’s finest, led by Finney as a detective and Hines as a medical examiner. And when I say scary, I mean in terms of their appearance. Now I’ll give you Finney – looking a little like Ellen Burstyn after a speedy ride in a convertible – as a heavily British-accented New York cop…but I’m sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around Gregory as anything other than a tap dancer. I mean, come on…I dare you to look at Gregory Hines in scrubs and not imagine him in a Radio City tribute to “ER”:

As Finney wastes time awkwardly flirting with a psychologist brought in to help him (seriously – the lack of sexual tension rivals even the leading duo in this movie), someone else is brutally murdered; this time, a homeless man is killed in the wasteland that is South Bronx. Now, I can’t say I’ve ever been to the Bronx…but this movie sure makes it look like the setting of the most depressing Mad Max movie ever. During their investigation of an abandoned church, Finney rescues the shrink from a close call with a lurking wolf, leading both to tumble down the stairs, and also displaying perhaps the worst-wigged stuntman in history. Really…this guy is supposed to be our heroic detective, but is seemingly wearing a wig modeled on a “Laugh-In”-era Goldie Hawn, which he actually appears to reach up and hold onto it during the fall!

And just in case you need a closer look at that masterpiece of actor-to-wig matching:

Anyway, before long everyone realizes the attacks are “not human” – and animal expert Tom Noonan makes the brilliant proclamation that what they’re looking for is “a carnivore – a meat eater.” Well no sh*t Sherlock…I’d forgotten that human hearts weren’t a vegetable. Noonan also leads police to the bizarre connection that since the hairs found on victims come from a wolf that maybe Native Americans are involved, since wolves and Native Americans are so similar.

Huh?

Well, naturally this takes Finney straight to the only Native American he apparently knows, an ex-con he once busted played by Edward James Olmos. Lucky for him, New York is apparently a very small city with only one Native American because ta da…he soon spies Edward James stripping down naked on the banks of the Hudson and lapping from puddles of water (in a scene, by the way, that I personally believe paved the path for Halle Berry in Catwoman):

Still, rather than arrest Eddy for public nudity, indecency, or…well…acting like a wolf while clearly under the influence of something, police just keep running around in circles, staking out the old abandoned church in hopes of shooting a wolf. At least, I think that’s what they’re doing. Instead, Gregory Hines is attacked and killed by one. And finally we, the audience, get a glimpse of the wolf…which unfortunately is not played by a big man in a hairy costume:

Anyway…blah blah blah…turns out the Wolfen are an underground society that have been surviving for hundreds of years, most recently in the slums of big cities. Frankly, by the time we learn this information, the movie has been running for more than an hour and a half, which we all know means it’s way too long for a horror movie. However, things definitely pick up during the awesome climax, where our leads are surrounded by a pack of wolves. And I gotta give this movie credit – it gives us a great scene where a decapitated head is still trying to talk – something Dario Argento would use to grosser effect years later in Trauma.

So, there you have it. I'm not a fan of werewolf movies (well...except for this one, a bona-fide Tower Farm classic), so I can't say I loved it. And it's hard to take anything seriously that comes from the mind of author Whitley Stieber -- a man I once heard on a radio show say he understood what female rape victims feel like because he'd been anally probed by aliens (no...I'm not making this up). However, I do have a soft spot for movies that take respectable actors and place them in situations involving decapitation and psychadelic camera effects. Plus, how can you not recommend a movie in which the leading man's hair could well be a character unto itself?

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS

Reform School Girls (1986)

2010-05-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

I remember how I felt in the first few moments after my initial viewing of Savage Streets; it was as though I’d just discovered life on another planet. Everything about it – the ridiculous plot, the horrifying costumes, the sight of a topless Linda Blair lounging in the bathtub – was just so new and wonderful that I knew my life of viewing movies would never be the same.

Well, folks – if Savage Streets gave me a glimpse of life on another planet…then Reform School Girls is like finding a peephole into a new dimension. This exciting, magical place includes 40-something-year-old women starring as “juveniles” in a reform school that appears to be set up in a deserted nuclear factory, and the butchest lesbian guards you’ve ever seen bossing them around and barking classy dialogue including, “You’re gonna be inspected inside and out…so get it clean!” It’s a place so perfect, so rapturous, that even Sybil Danning as the warden isn’t the best part. Because people, we’ve got this…

Oh, jeez...where to even start?

Well, first of all a huge thanks to our newest best friend, Tower Farm reader Scott, who suggested this movie. Scott is basically the most wonderful person on the planet for asking us to see this movie, which is kind of like Savage Streets mixed with Chained Heat – in other words, it’s a WIP (women in prison) film in which we’re supposed to believe the women are rebellious teenage girls. This requires a suspension of disbelief greater than accepting the elderly Sharon Stone as a sexpot in Basic Instinct 2, mainly because the lead “bad girl” of the reform school is played by rock star Wendy O. Williams (rock singer of The Plasmatics), who a quick Internet search reveals was 37 when this movie came out. My friends, here’s a glimpse of what 37 years of HARD living looks like:

Wendy stars as Charlie, whose “special” relationship with the earlier-pictured head matron Edna has her ruling the dorm and tormenting the other girls. I’ll let the image of Charlie and Edna in the midst of their “special” relationship sink in for a moment.

Anyway, new girl Jenny – played by Linda Carol – arrives on the scene and immediately begins challenging Edna and Charlie, which means we get lots of insanely choreographed girlfights, insults including “You butthole sisters better wash your things real good…cause we don’t want none of your crotch rot in our dorm,” as well as an honest-to-God ass-branding scene. On Jenny’s side is kindly new Dr. Norton, played by Charlotte McGinnis with such an inappropriate earnestness that I’m certain she was accidentally given the script for Norma Rae instead of this movie:

Soon Doc Norton is threatening to report the school’s inhumane conditions to the “Youth Authority Commission” – whatever that is – which doesn’t sit well with warden Sutter and head matron Edna. Sutter, of course, is played by the incomparable Sybil Danning, who for some reason is costumed in a black military jumpsuit and brandishes a riding crop. While Sybil’s…ahem…acting is generally the high point of any movie she’s in, here she unfortunately falls under the very generous shadow of Pat Ast as Edna. Pat is…well…umm…okay, there’s just no good way to describe this performance. To say Pat Ast is a force of nature is like saying a hurricane makes for a bad hair day. Looking a hell of a lot like Newman from “Seinfeld” in a bad red wig, Ast bellows her way through each and every scene as through she’s performing on the field at the Super Bowl without a microphone. Dialogue like “Just don’t stand there…bring me something’ to wipe my shoe,” coming from the lips of Pat Ast after she’s stomped a little kitten to death is the stuff of Tower Farm dreams.

It would take way more time and patience than I have to go through every wonderful character and performance in this movie, but suffice it to say the reform school is full of memorable girls who deliver their insane dialogue with gusto. There’s also, of course, several shower scenes which fully showcase the expected 80s T&A – and even one very awkward sex scene with this hunk, who we’re supposed to believe Jenny falls for on first sight:

Of course, we all know where this is going…if you’ve ever seen a WIP film, you know there’s gonna be a final riot and the evil lesbian guards are gonna get theirs. In this case, the amazing finale brings us Edna climbing up the prison watchtower while firing off a shotgun and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. During this sequence, Wendy O. also happens to be shot right through the boob, but still retains the energy hijack the prison bus, climb on top of it while it’s still speeding along (by itself?), and scream “Burn, you bitch, burn!” before crashing it into the watchtower and causing a massive explosion.

Freakin’ brilliant.

Clearly Reform School Girls is a pinnacle of filmmaking – an achievement in many ways still unmatched to this day. What makes it all the more amazing is that it was directed with style and a huge sense of humor by Tom DeSimone, who also directed the style-less and completely-devoid-of-humor Hell Night. Of course, he was also apparently a prolific porn director, so I guess doing this movie was a little more his speed. Anyway, if you’ve never seen this movie, you must. And Scott, we owe you. BIG time.

FOUR-AND-A-HALF FINGERS

PS: Here's a little Wendy O. to get you primed for the movie! Ah, the days of great theme songs...

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)

2010-05-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: JM

Where do I even effing begin?

I have written and rewritten this review about a half dozen times. There is just no explaining what I am watching here. There is no way to capture what this movie does to its audience. The only thing I am sure of is that it must be illegal, which explains why it is so freaking hard to find a print of the film.

Let’s begin with a simple question: Have you seen the original Silent Night, Deadly Night? Well, if you did it was a complete waste of your time.

Let me explain.

After witnessing the violent death of his brother Billy (the Santa Claus costumed killer in the original movie), we find that Ricky has been institutionalized. As Ricky talks to his therapist about what happened to his family, the first half of the movie looks like this:

In short, every shot above that is NOT of a guy in a blue shirt is from Part One. This goes on for the fist 39 minutes of this movie. The movie is only about 90 minutes long!

Finally, Ricky starts his own killing spree. And let me tell you, it is spectacular.

Ricky’s first kill involves a bully and an umbrella. Nice.

Things do get pretty confusing though during the movie theater scene. I hope you are sitting down. Ricky goes on a date…to see the movie…

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT?!?!

What in the hell is going on here?! Not only is the director using the first movie to continue to pad the time of this installment… this doesn’t even come close to making any sense! This is just lazy/crazy.

So, at this point, I have to declare this to be the greatest sequel ever made.

The killing spree continues, really climaxing with the infamous “garbage day” sequence that must be seen to be believed.

And there you have it. Every good scene from Part One is in this movie. So, in essence, this movie is really two movies in one. That is what we at Tower Farm call genius. For an even more confusing continuation in the storyline, see Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out. Not to give too much away, but Ricky is brought back from the dead and he stalks a blind woman…. And Ricky’s brain is exposed through some sort of mixing-bowl helmet. Oh, just read the review.

FIVE FINGERS!!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

2010-05-13T11:59:00.001-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Being that here in the mid-Atlantic spring is in full force – which means the onset of hot & humid days – I felt it was the perfect time to cool off by watching the refreshingly brainless Silent Night, Deadly Night. This is the movie that famously set off an outcry from dorky PTA parents across the country, who took offense to the idea of a loveable Santa Claus killing off people. If any of these people had bothered to actually see the movie, I’m sure they would’ve been much more offended by other things...i.e. the complete lack of plot/talent involved. But, to each his own.

Anyway, Silent Night, Deadly Night opens on Christmas Eve, 1971, with a loveable family of four in a car who pull over to help a man in a Santa suit stranded on the roadside. Turns out Santa is actually a gun-toting crook who shoots up the father and rips open the mother’s shirt before killing her – conveniently giving the audience its first gratuitous boob shot. I know this will surprise you, being that this is an early 80’s slasher, but there are many more to come.

Flash forward years later, and the two kids are now living at Saint Mary’s Home For Orphaned Children. As with every other movie orphanage, this is not a happy place; it’s lorded over by an evil nun who abuses the kids and says things like “Punishment is absolute. Punishment is necessary. Punishment is good.” In other words, she’s the nun equivalent of the cruel lesbian warden in Women In Prison films. Poor little Billy, the oldest son who witnessed his parents die, gets the brunt of Mother Superior’s anger, especially after he spies two older kids in the school having sex. This scene – less than 20 minutes in – gives us gratuitous boob shot #2, for those keeping score. Mother Superior goes so far as to force Billy to sit on Santa’s lap, which results in Billy tossing off a right hook worthy of Mike Tyson. Seriously, the sound effect of a boxing K.O. dubbed to match the moment a little boy’s hand meets Santa’s face is a moment I re-wound at least four times; it’s endlessly entertaining.

Thankfully, showing Billy some kindness is Sister Margaret, blessed with the sunny optimism and butch pageboy haircut of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Ten years after belting Santa, little Billy has grown up to become a strapping young lad, and Sister Margaret finds him a job at a local toy store. This leads us to a wonderful montage of Billy learning the ropes of retail, set to a Pete Seger sound-alike singing about the happiness of the holidays. I personally believe this satisfying montage led directly to the opening credits of “Family Ties” – so I’m eternally grateful to it.

It’s also worth noting that grown-up Billy is…well…hot. For the ladies and gays among us, Silent Night, Deadly Night has the distinction of being perhaps the first & only slasher to gift us with a “Playgirl” centerfold-worthy madman. And, being that this is a genre that doesn’t usually throw us a…ahem…bone, I’d like to thank director Charles E. Sellier, Jr. for both not making Billy ugly and for throwing in gratuitous boob shot #3, which also includes a gratuitous Billy butt shot:

Oh, and for the straights among you, don’t stop reading this yet…topless Linnea Quigley is just minutes away.

So Christmas-time comes and Billy goes berserk; forced to dress up as Old Saint Nick, he kills his co-workers and his reign of terror begins. He also starts quoting Mother Superior, babbling about how “punishment is necessary” while killing those he believes are being naughty. In this way, he’s a lot like Angela in Sleepaway Camp 2 & 3; they’re also alike in the fact that they both have penises. In fact, now that I think about it, a Billy & Angela combo movie would be awesome. Expect a script by my brother and me to make the rounds very soon.

Billy’s first victims outside the toy store are Linnea and her boyfriend, two random people who happen to be having sex as Billy is walking by. Linnea, looking for her cat, makes the gargantuan mistake of opening her front door without a top on (which seems a strange move in the middle of winter, but what do I know?), which leads to her being impaled topless on a convenient pair of deer antlers. This scene is awesome, and the minute & a half that Linnea Quigly is on screen here is without a doubt her best performance ever (although her turn as a deaf-mute in Savage Streets is pretty wonderful).

The growing list of victims soon has police searching for Santa – and using Sister Margaret to help track him down. In this sense, the chipper nun kind of becomes this movie’s Dr. Loomis, albeit one without Donald Pleasence's tobacco-stained beard. Sister Margaret has the sudden and brilliant realization that Billy’s heading back to the orphanage to kill Mother Superior – something that a 5 year-old could have figured out – and Billy is shot to death seconds before hacking up Mother Superior in her wheelchair. Why the audience is deprived of seeing the old lady get beheaded is beyond me…but, whatever. The final image is of Billy’s little brother, who’s just witnessed the whole thing…and with this brilliantly done pissed-face, a franchise is born:

So, this movie is 85-minutes of pure genius. Any movie that pisses off conservative moms is okay with me, and especially if said movie has some eye candy doing the dirty work. But, as we always say at Tower Farm, sequels are better than the originals. And so, with part 2, the real brilliance would begin. And with that…stay tuned for JM’s upcoming review of Silent Night, Deadly Night 2!

FOUR FINGERS!!

The Funhouse (1981)

2010-05-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Somehow this is the first time I’m seeing Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse. Could be because I’m somewhat afraid of clowns…could be because I’ve seen Tobe Hooper's Night Terrors, and therefore am scared off of anything the director did other than The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Anyway, I’ve recently been in need of a new-to-me 80s slasher; you guys know how it is…when you’ve popped in Slumber Party Massacre 2 one too many times and find yourself looking for hidden political subtext in the dialogue (which, by the way, I’m sure I’ve discovered…and it’s brilliant). So, I figured it was time to give this one the old college try.

Anyway, The Funhouse concerns exactly what you think it does – a bunch of kids (smoking pot…having sex…) who spend the night in a traveling carnival and end up stalked by a mutant killer. Final girl Amy is played by Elizabeth Berridge, whose career would go from the Oscar-winning Amadeus to playing the cop in the post-“Night Court” John Larroquette sitcom. As you can she, she has quite a diverse resume.

Amy is a smart, plucky virgin who – like Jamie Lee before her – seems to have absolutely nothing in common with the friends she’d hanging out with. How do these girls end up in the “cool” groups, anyway? When I was in high school, girls like Laurie Strode and Amy usually spent lunch in the art room because nobody would sit with them in the cafeteria. I know this because I, too, spent lunch in the art rooms. Anyhoo, the quartet twits finally end up in the actual funhouse, which looks disturbingly like Disney World’s “It’s A Small World” ride…although I’d say the puppets like the one below are actually less creepy than the real thing in Orlando:

Inside the funhouse, the kids spy a Frankenstein-masked carnival worker getting a handjob from an old fortuneteller, then killing her. Amazingly, this scene is actually a little classier than it sounds. The fortuneteller, by the way, is played by Sylvia Miles…who’s kind of cornered the market on crazy old broad roles. Anyway, the kids make a half-assed attempt to escape the funhouse, only to realize they’re locked in by steel doors. Umm…guys…here’s the thing: this is a traveling carnival. Chances are you could just punch your arms through the walls and knock them down.

Unfortunately, the kids make the colossal mistake of trying to steal some money on the way out – which tips off the carnival owner that someone else is in the funhouse. And so…let the killings begin! The owner, you see, is the Frankenstein-masked killer’s father. And let me tell you, this guy is pretty nutty…which becomes totally understandable once we learn that under the mask, his son looks like this:

(This, by the way, also explains why our father – Ralph Merrye – is a nutcase, considering my brother JM looks a lot like that picture, too.)

So…for the next twenty minutes the father & son stalk the kids, resulting in some decent death scenes that are fun, though perhaps not quite worthy of the man who brought us women dangling from meathooks (and bouncing penises on horseback). The final showdown between Amy and the mutant kid is a great sequence, though, fully utilizing the creepiness of the funhouse puppets and the rusty mechanics of the ride…until Amy inadvertently electrocutes the mutant killer, resulting in an image a little too reminiscent of Christopher Lloyd in Back To The Future, and thus strangely heartwarming:

Anyway, I’m glad I finally saw The Funhouse, though I’m also not sorry I waited all these years to do so. Tobe Hooper has had some wild career swings over the years, and clearly this is one of his better efforts quality-wise. Like Scream after it, this movie references virtually every horror movie ever made, with homages to Halloween, Psycho, and all the Universal Monsters. It’s a surefire way to win over real critics, who immediately claim the movie is “smart” and “witty.” Of course, here at Tower Farm, we fake critics much prefer “dumb” and “witless.” So that’s my issue with the movie. Tobe’s next one after this was Poltergeist, and both are a little too slick for my tastes. I much prefer the the dirt cheap, gutter charm of Chain Saw...and even, dare I say, the man who brought us Robert Englund seemingly covering cold sores with cakey makeup. Now that's scary.

THREE FINGERS!

The Wiz (1978)

2010-05-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Just in case anyone’s wondering why a review of The Wiz is showing up here at Tower Farm, look no further than 13 minutes into this movie, when this happens:

Yes, people, that is Lena Horne floating in space, surrounded by a bunch of little people in glittery blue suits. If ever there was a terrifying image deserving a place at The Farm, this is it.

Anyway, The Wiz is a remake of The Wizard of Oz – and to be more exact, an adaptation of the Broadway musical The Wiz, which took the familiar characters of Dorothy, the Scarecrow, etc. and used an all African-American cast and a more modern, soulful score to tell the story of Oz. The original 1939 movie is, of course, one of the most popular ever made, and the Broadway show was a smash hit, scoring several Tony Awards and launching many a career. This movie – featuring an all-star cast and an enormous budget – crashed and burned harder than Dorothy’s house came down on top of the Wicked Witch.

Given that the formula for Tower Farm success goes something like this: classic + remake + giant budget – good ideas = BRILLIANCE (see: Rob Zombie’s Halloween, Black X-mas)…I stand by my decision to review this movie.

The Wiz opens with what many critics at the time probably felt was a startlingly appropriate image:

It’s the holidays, you see, and Dorothy is about to be swept away to the world of Oz. We all know young Judy Garland originated this role, and on Broadway teenager Stephanie Mills wowed the crowds. Here, we get the one and only Diana Ross…trying mightily to slip her 34-year-old feet into a pre-teen pair of shoes. Now, other than this little crack about her age, I refuse to utter a bad word about Miss Ross. As longtime readers know, I am a Diana Ross fan. Actually, I’m a fan in the way Michael Biehn was a fan in The Fan (where he was obsessed with Lauren Bacall, playing a diva named Miss Ross…coincidence?). In other words, yes, sometimes I sit at home pretending to have dinner with her and often find myself snipping out little pictures of her from magazines and inserting them into my own photo albums. I live and breathe Diana Ross, and will not apologize for it. And just in case you don’t believe me, my brother JM will be happy to tell you about the time I dragged him to one of her concerts and then spent the entire evening crying. Seriously. Here’s the tour program:

Admittedly, Diana’s cropped afro look isn’t her most flattering, but the real scares begin when she gets blown to Oz by a kind of blizzard-tornado hybrid (Now there's a Syfy movie title if I've ever heard one), and is immediately greeted by frightening paper-doll figures emerging from the walls and maniacally repeating “To-to” in unison. I can only imagine kids in 1978, seeing this in theatres, running down the aisles screaming at this horrifying sequence. Oz, you see, is a graffiti-covered urban wasteland resembling Tony Todd’s lair in Candyman 3: Day Of The Dead. No, no…there are no rainbows and poppies here. Instead, Dorothy seems have to fallen straight onto the set of Dressed To Kill as envisioned by Jim Henson.

The film actually becomes a journey from one terrifying set-piece to the next; whether surrounded by giant cigar-smoking crows or trapped in a subway being menaced by sinister garbage cans, Dorothy seems to be descending into the very pit of Hell. There is no way anyone in their right mind could have thought this movie would qualify as a family-friendly musical…unless that person was thinking about my family.

Speaking of my family…did I mention that there’s a prolonged sequence featuring cigarette-smoke hissing prostitutes?

Along the way, of course, Dorothy picks up her collection of friends, including the Scarecrow. Now, the DVD box says something about Michael Jackson playing the Scarecrow…however, I’ve seen The Wiz multiple times and have yet to spot the Michael Jackson I know in it. I am, however, glad to see that Al Roker was doing such fine work early in his career.

As if the hookers aren’t bad enough, The Wiz next literally lays out the groundwork for the Saw movies, torture contraption by torture contraption. Dorothy and the gang are chased through a parking garage and end up in an underground sweatshop, in which the Scarecrow is buzz-sawed in half, the Tin Man is melted alive, and the Lion is strung up by his tail. The culprit, meanwhile, is this hideous creature, surely the most chilling horror villain this side of the invisible chicken demon of Paranormal Activity:

Anyway, more than two hours after it all began, we find out that “home” was inside Dorothy all along, and mercifully she’s transported out of the fiery depths of Hell back to New York City…which, depending on who you ask, might not be such an upgrade. But thank God she’s far, far away from those paper-doll people and the carnivorous garbage cans.

Anyway, other than being way too long (I was able to cook an entire meal, eat it, and wash my dishes during ONE of the musical sequences), this movie is pretty awesome. It scared the hell out of me as a kid, and still does as an adult. Being that I love Diana Ross and bombastic movies, this combination is a winner. The only major disappointment, again, is that JM and I can’t find Michael Jackson anywhere in this movie.

FOUR FINGERS!

Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)

2010-04-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

by JM

Look, I’m no theologist and I certainly am not an expert on ancient cultures and customs. I have, however, seen Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers and The Guardian. So, I feel that I am something of an expert when it comes to Druids. And if there is one thing I am fairly certain of, it is this: The Druids are not God’s chosen people to fight Satan as he tries to bring the apocalypse.

Yet, no joke, this is the crux of the premise of Warlock: The Armageddon. In fact, even the Catholic Priest in this film is aware of this. There is just no argument. The Druids are the chosen warriors to fight for Christianity.

Huh.

So, as you might guess, the second Warlock movie is just no holds barred, batshit crazy.

Natasha Henstridge reprises the role of the Warlock in this sequel. I mean Julian Sands does. Easy mistake.

We find out early on that Satan has resurrected his only son in so that the Warlock may find a half dozen rune stones. These stones, for reasons never really explained, are key to destroying humanity.

The Warlock’s resurrection, by the way, is notable for two reasons. Firstly, it is a complete rip off of Xtro (with a little Hellraiser thrown in), in that a woman is suddenly pregnant and gives birth to a fully-grown man. Secondly, this scene offers the only nudity in the movie… a full frontal Julian Sands.

Not to get too far ahead of myself, but these ancient and powerful stones are held by individuals such as a NYC fashion model (using one as an earring), a carnival man, some random girl that puts a stone around her neck before going on a date (claiming it is a family heirloom).

Honestly, this kind of stupidity is pretty rare in movies. I mean, was the writer a thirteen-year-old fan of the original movie? In any case, it certainly makes it pretty easy for the Warlock to get these stones.

In fact, the only catch is that the owner must willingly hand over the stone to the Warlock. He mentions that this is one of the rules (of course, this is never explained). So, for a good deal of the movie, the Warlock acts exactly like the Wishmaster. He tricks people into handing him the stones, in exchange for wishes fulfilled.

Like Freddy Kruger before him, ol’ Locky becomes something of a yuckter in this installment. My favorite of these moments comes when a hitchhiker asks him about how her hair looks. He rips it off of her head and hands her the scalp saying, “See for yourself”.

Anyhow, a couple of teenagers turn out to be Druid warriors. One is played by Paula Marshall.

Paula Marshall is probably best known as the young woman who “outed” Jerry and George in the “not that there’s anything wrong with it” episode of Seinfeld. She has also appears as a regular in the show Californication. We at Tower Farm will always love her for being the strange goth girl in Hellraiser 3: Hell On Earth.

Unfortunately, Paula Marshall’s character is established at the beginning of the movie, then just kind of disappears for about 40 minutes. Toward the end, she is brought back in a nonsensical turn of events where it is revealed that two warriors are needed to fight the son of Satan.

The main Druid throughout this movie is Andy.

Andy is killed by his Dad and some hillbilly, then brought back to life to fight the Warlock… as prophesized by the Druid faith… or something. Unfortunately, a whole lot of his training involves using mind control to toss around a baseball.

Oh, God, are those scenes cheap and boring.

Anyway, the Warlock gets the stones one by one. In order to get the final stone, though, the Warlock cuts off the arm of the guy holding it. In my opinion, this is a bit of a cheat when it comes to the rule about people willing handing these things over. I mean, if it was that easy, why didn't he just cut off the limbs of everyone else instead of wasting time tricking them?

Finally, the kids fight the Warlock. There is a bunch of half-assed Jedi mind stuff going on until finally, the boy gets a knife to go into the Warlock, abruptly turning our villain into a 1980’s Italian zombie.

So, the movie is a little boring. However, it earns points in its brazen attempts to rip off more successful franchises (A Nightmare On Elm Street, Hellraiser). Frankly, I also find its stupidity to be kind of brave.

Two and a half fingers!

Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness (2004)

2010-04-24T06:20:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: JM

An underrated little gem, for sure, Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness is exactly the kind of move that we at Tower Farm love to champion. Frankly, how could a movie starring the title character from Eddie and the Cruisers battling flying demons that are every bit as convincing as Jessica Rabbit go wrong?

Oh, yeah, and the director, Jay Andrews, is really just a pseudonym for director Jim Wynorski. Yes, the same Jim Wynorski that brought us Cheerleader Camp, The Haunting of Morella, Sorority House Massacre 2, and Return of the Swamp Thing. According to IMDB, he is currently working on something called Camel Spiders. I don't know anything about that one. Judging from the title, though, I'm going to go ahead and call it at four fingers. Frankly, as I look over this director’s resume, I can’t help but wonder if Mr. Wynorski is trying to woo the Farm. Well, sir, you can stop trying so hard. You had us at Busty Cops .

Like many straight-to-DVD titles, the entire movie was shot in Eastern Europe, for, what I can only assume, was pennies on the dollar. Unlike similar-looking titles, like Wrong Turn 3 and Pumpkinhead 4, this movie, at least, does not try to pass off it’s environment as a rural American landscape. Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness takes place in Romania.

Opening in, ehem, the year 1532, we watch as a very period-appropriate-looking hottie and a priest defeat an attacking Gargoyle, sending it down a giant hole in the ground. As luck would have it, the villagers had a gigantic boulder on hand to roll over the opening and seal the gargoyle inside.

Clearly, this is not a very good long-term strategy. But, like patching a cracked windshield with tape, I guess it works for the time being.

In fact, this shoddy plan actually was effective for almost 500 years. The next scene takes place in 2004. Within the next ten minutes, we are introduced to pretty much every character in the movie.

Firstly, we have the awesome team of Ty “Griff” Griffin and Jennifer Wells . They are sort of a B-movie Mulder and Scully...which, I guess, is a little redundant. Jen and Griff are a lot more entertaining (and frankly easier on the eyes) than the duo on whom they are clearly modeled, though. This CIA team is brought to Romania to investigate some kidnapping thing. They are the couple on the right…

We are also introduced to a young archeologist, Dr. Christina Durant. She sports a nice update of the Patty Duke flip. She has a couple of assistants. But, they die off so quickly, they are hardly worth a mention.

There is alsoa priest. Who knows? Maybe he will turn to be the hero of this flick… Okay, you're right. He’s the bad guy. I am pretty sure the bad skin and blond highlights are a dead giveaway that he can’t be trusted.

In no time, the digging team (consisting of two people) finds a cavern full of Gargoyle eggs.

Okay, so you might think you have a handle on this movie. It seems pretty straightforward… a couple of CIA agents looking into a kidnapper’s killing stumble into a supernatural mystery involving gargoyles. Well, all of that is true. Then, almost right at the halfway point of the movie this happens:

What can I tell you? Just keep in mind the director is Jim Wynorski.

Of course, in the end, there is an epic battle between the gargoyle (and some baby gargoyles) and our CIA agents. Lots of machine guns and a big fiery explosion wrap things up.

All in all, a very enjoyable little movie. It has good pacing and the characters have enough witty lines to help keep the viewers attention from drifting too much.

In fact, this movie boasts something I don’t think I've ever seen before. Early on, there is a pretty standard car chase, where our CIA man is in hot pursuit of a car full of felons whipping around narrow European streets. It is a well done scene, but pretty familiar to action-movie fans. But, about halfway through the chase, both cars spin on a wet street and, in moments, the bad guys open fire on the American agent and start chasing him! I can honestly say I don’t remember seeing that happen in a movie before. It is that little bit of cleverness that makes me think that there is more going on in this movie that most would give it credit for.

Three and a half fingers!

Vipers (2008)

2010-04-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Okay...so to even write a review of this movie is completely unfair.

I mean, come on…it’s a Syfy Original Movie (Score!) about genetically engineered snakes (Score!) overtaking a place called Eden Island...which doesn't actually seem to be an island (Score!). It’s stars Corbin Bernsen and Tara Reid (Score! and SCORE!) and, to top it all off, I found it in a bin of $3 DVDs at Wal-Mart sitting right next to the Renny Harlin/Geena Davis disasterpiece Cutthroat Island (Ding Ding Ding Ding Jackpot!!!!!).

So, we already know that Tower Farm is going to love this movie and give it four or five fingers. Hell, I might even amend our rating system and give it six. There’s just no way this is going to be a letdown. But, just because you’re all nice enough to visit us, I’ll play along and pretend that I’m putting some effort into this review.

So, Vipers opens in one of those classic Syfy Original Movie laboratories…you know, the ones that are introduced by name with the 80s-computer font across the screen (see above) and a stock shot of an island somewhere off the coast of Peru or something. In this case, we get the creatively-named “Universal Bio Tech Research Facility” – which inside looks suspiciously like a crappy warehouse jam-packed with a bunch of old office cubicles and bad florescent lighting. Anyway, it seems the Universal Bio Tech Research Facility plays host to dozens of vipers genetically-engineered to kill people and eat their flesh. I’m a huge fan of the vipers, which escape during a botched robbery attempt and look about as real as the kind of snakes that come popping out of peanut brittle cans:

Next up – are you ready for this? – we travel to the Universal Bio Tech Headquarters (!), where we learn that the snakes were being bred for their venom, which can...ummm...cure cancer. Apparently, in speeding up the snakes’ development, scientists turned them into slithering killing machines. And now, of course, they’re on the loose. Oops! Why does it seem like in every animal attack movie I review for this site, it’s always the “intelligent” scientists’ fault? Do scientists actually do anything important – or just constantly screw things up? Being that we at Tower Farm believe everything we see in the movies, I'm thinking the latter.

Anyway, finally we settle into Eden Island...well, according to the back of the DVD box it's called Eden Island. The movie refers to it as Eden Cove, which may or may not be an island somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. We're quickly introduced to the cast of locals, played by an astonishingly generic grouping of Canadian actors save for the wonderful Tara Reid as a local greenhouse worker. Tara is given a rare chance to display her acting chops in scenes such as this one, where she repeatedly practices her "angry face":

Before long, the vipers are slithering through town, attacking a little boy and later an adulterous couple (an awesome scene in which the snakes don't even appear to be in the same dimension as the actual actors!). The shots of the snakes slithering through the grass are equally wonderful, as not a single blade of grass actually moves under the "weight" of the vipers.

Anyway, blah...blah...blah...the snakes terrorize the locals (who, by the way, keep taking shelter in small, enclosed spaces rather than just getting the hell out of town) until the Bio Tech crew shows up. These a-holes, of course, only serve to make things worse, shooting up people and letting it slip that, "Our orders weren't to save you! We were to gather a few of the vipers and bring them back!" Well...hell hath no fury like a pissed-off Canadian, and soon the villagers have rigged up some homemade flame throwers and are making plans to load up on boats and hightail it outta there.

Amazingly, after managing to escape from a lab and then find their way to a human-populated area, the snakes are stupid enough to fall for the oldest trick in the book -- being lured into a greenhouse and then blown up all at once. But, as fast as you can say "Oh, thank God, it's over" (and yes...someone does actually say that, thereby begging to be attacked again), one surviving snake attacks evil corporate giant Corbin Bernsen in his limo. The end!

This little gem leaves me in the familiar quandary of having so much to write about that I feel my review is actually doing an injustice to the movie. This is one that must be seen to be completely understood...and thanks to the fine folks as Wal-Mart, you can see it for the price of a Big Mac. And while this is a natural place for me to make a joke about both containing lots of "cheese"...I'll instead just throw out my...

FOUR FINGERS!!!

Species: The Awakening (2007)

2010-03-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: JM

I am a huge fan of the Species franchise. This admission surely brings shame to my brother, Billy… who as far as I know has never watched one of these movies but just hates them on principle. The principle, though, is unclear.

Anyhoo…

All farmhands are aware of our credo at Tower Farm: SEQUELS ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAT THE ORIGINAL. From the Blair Witch movies, to the Wrong Turn trilogy, to anything with a Kevin Tenney imprint, this truth has been proven again and again. Species is no exception. I have watched that first movie a million times and absolutely love it. However, there is no denying that part 2 is more enjoyable. And part 3… well, it has one of the best prolonged bare butt sequences ever put to celluloid.

The fourth installment, Species: The Awakening, is, in a word, ridiculous. And wonderful. Okay, in two words, this movie is ridiculous and wonderful. Of course, as with the other entries in the franchise, it is produced by Frank Mancuso Jr.- the same guy that brought us I Know Who Killed Me. And THAT means quality!

Let’s just look with our movie’s heroine, Miranda Hollander, played by Helena Mattsson. This shot, taken at about one and a half minutes into the feature, is how we are introduced to our young college professor. Is it just me, or does this look like the first shot of every Penthouse pictorial spread ever taken (“This teacher earns bonus points when she gives her top student a lesson in humility…”)?

By the way, let’s take a look what she is teaching:

What in the hell is that?!

Anyway, as I am sure every viewer guessed by the end of the second minute of the movie, Miranda Hollander is part alien. I really have nothing more to say on that subject.

The big star of this movie is Ben Cross, who plays Miranda’s uncle, Tom. Ben Cross, of course, is best known (by only Billy and me) as the vampire Barnabas Collins in the very short-lived 1990’s television series Dark Shadows. A remake of the 1960s gothic soap opera created by Dan Curtis, the 1990s version was incredible in its ability to infuse long, prodding, boring story sequences with moments on monumental overacting. To watch Ben Cross raise his cane to the sky and yell “Willie!!” at the top of his lungs as though he was cursing God, himself, was spectacular. Of course, we loved it.

So, I am always happy to see Ben Cross get work… even if it gets him an unintentional chuckle every time his Miranda refers to him as “Uncle Tom”.

Anyway, early in the movie, Miranda informs Uncle Tom that she is going out on a date. It must have been this young woman’s first date or something, though because the moment she was aroused, she killed her suitor, ended up in a hospital and killed much of the hospital’s staff.

Of course, at this point Uncle Tom shows up with a needle, injects Miranda, puts her in his car, then the two are on a road trip to Mexico. Um, okay.

As it turns out, Mexico is where Forbes, a scientist and former student of Uncle Tom’s, lives. We learn that Forbes and Tom made Miranda in a Mexican lab, like meth. A lot of people would probably take this pretty hard. Miranda, though, just kind gets a pouty face…

… and by the end of the scene she and Tom are hugging. I guess aliens are a lot more stoic than your average human.

Anyway, a fair amount of time is padded as Miranda and Uncle Tom drive around Mexico looking for hotel rooms. Finally Tom announces that he is going to look for Forbes. Then, he runs into this awesome nun:

Although Sally Field was something of a novelty in America, it turns out that flying nuns are pretty common in Mexico, where no one bats an eye as this one flutters around the city.

Finally, Forbes is found. Unsurprisingly, Tom and Miranda walk in on him while he is humping an alien/human hybrid. Isn’t that always the way? On the other hand, Forbes may have been asking for trouble the moment he put a satiny bed in the loft overlooking his laboratory. It is that sort of decision making that makes these office gatherings so uncomfortable:

Unfortunately, a lot more time is padded as the scientists try to out bore each other in the lab.

The scientists end up kidnapping a hooker, injecting her with something, and using the needle to try to cure Miranda. Miranda ends up hatching in the lab.

Well, this only makes her more sexually aggressive, stronger, and increases her hunger to kill. I have to say, the moment she ended up in a cocoon during her treatment, I pretty much saw this coming. Those scientists were really asleep at the wheel, in my opinion.

Well, I had to do some fast forwarding at this point. But, I can tell you that two aliens fight each other toward the end of the movie, there is an explosion, and Uncle Tom looks tired, but relieved, while walking away from the flames.

Lots of nudity and decent special effects… So, even though the story kind of dragged, I am going to give this one:

Two and a half fingers!

******************************

On to a different topic- I want to thank my brother Billy for keeping things going here at the farm. With one perfect review after another, Billy kept the land from drying up.

You see, a little over a month ago, my daughter was born. So, I am now a father and Billy is an uncle… though probably not as good an uncle as Tom (from this review... or the guy with the cabin... whichever).

I use the name “JM” on these reviews as a reference to the dorky kid from the movie Valentine. “Billy” comes from the dorky kid in Halloween 5. Our dad occasionally comments around here under the name “Ralph Merrye” (Spider Baby). If I need to refer to my daughter, what should I call her?

Let me know if you have any suggestions!

Night Of The Lepus (1972)

2010-03-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

Reviewed By: Billy

In honor of Easter (which is coming up soon…I think?), I decided it was time to review everybody’s favorite killer bunny movie, Night of the Lepus. After all, nothing says Easter like hoards of mutates rabbits attacking a kooky cast including Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, and Rory Calhoun. I have a special attraction to this movie because my own father (affectionately known in these parts as Ralph Merrye) spent every spring of my childhood battling a little family of black bunnies that enjoyed snacking on his yearly attempts at a flower garden. JM and I can tell you that there’s nothing better than watching your bug-eyed father chase around a tiny little bunny with a rake – and being outsmarted every time.

Anyway, before I dive in, it’s important to point out that there’s a big problem with this movie. Here’s a hint: it’s got two big ears and a fluffy cotton-ball of a tail. Look, it’s impossible for rabbits to be scary. Impossible. The growling MGM lion at the beginning of the movie is scarier than bunny rabbits. Janet Leigh’s hair is scarier than bunny rabbits. Hell, the easy listening instrumental theme song – tailor made for a 1970’s swingers cruise – is way scarier than bunny rabbits. Nonetheless, the filmmakers waste the first three minutes of this movie on a fake newscast warning viewers that an explosion in the world’s rabbit population is threatening human kind.

Okey-dokey.

So Night of the Lepus takes place in the American southwest, where the adorable little critters are putting rancher Rory Calhoun out of business by eating away his land. A group of researchers comes in to help out…and naturally inject the bunnies full of chemicals, which cause the animals to grow and start attacking people. Oops! While I’d say this ranks among the stupidest scientific mistakes in film history, nobody really seems that pissed at the labcoats for the rest of the movie.

Among the researchers is our leading lady Janet…a long, long way from the Bates Motel. Janet is the good-natured lab assistant with a “Golden Girl” hairdo who’s always got a smile and witty comment close at hand. Sample dialogue, while ordering her daughter to pick up a bunny: “Rub his foot while you’re at it honey, and see what kind of luck that brings us. As a matter of fact…rub all four of ‘em!”

Before you know it, everyone’s noticing giant bunny prints everywhere, and we finally get some awesome rabbit attacks. At first, we don’t actually see much in the way of bunnies actually ripping people apart. What we get are get lots of shots of big bunny buckteeth – which, frankly, are just plain cute – and then we see the bloody aftermath, which appears to be the work of Leatherface as opposed to a ravenous rabbit:

Anyway, as the bodies start piling up, our crack researchers are back on the scene, heroically hunting down the bloodthirsty beasts that – don’t forget – they created in the first place! They finally find them in a huge mineshaft under the desert which, in another stroke of brilliance, they decide to blast with dynamite…therefore scaring out the rabbits and setting them on a wild rampage through town! My God, what’s wrong with these scientists…did they even go to college?

The scenes of the hundreds of giant bunnies galloping across the desert are priceless; it’s like watching the sweetest, most delightful program on the Discovery Channel. Seriously, who’s gonna root for the humans when you’ve got little furballs running amok? Anyway, the great rabbit stampede of 1972 continues for about fifteen minutes, first terrorizing our poor ranchers hiding out in the underground storm shelter and then moving on to the town’s General Store. The special effects get a little more ambitious here, as we move on to not only real bunnies crashing through miniature sets, but also actors in bunny suits wresting with the humans:

Soon the National Guard gets called in (wouldn’t you love to have heard the military commander on that call: “Giant whhhhhhhhaaaaaaat?????”) and it’s an all out bunny battle, as the ferocious fluffies continue making their way across the desert, leaving a trail of bloody paw prints everywhere they go. After evacuating the nearby city, soldiers wait as our scientists (who…again…caused this whole damn disaster in the first place!) hatch a plan to electrocute the bunnies on a stretch of train track. Amazingly, it works…and that’s…umm…the end.

Okay, so I know that’s not a very exciting ending…but what do you expect from a movie about killer bunnies? Anyway, Night of the Lepus is a great as you’d expect it to be; a truly preposterous movie that fails on pretty much every level except shear enjoyment. My advice this Easter Sunday? Grab a box of Cadbury Crème Eggs and watch the cutest pack of bunnies you’ve ever seen devour a Southwestern town. Now that’s a real treat!

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!

Edge Of Sanity (1989)

2010-03-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Wow...this movie is totally gross.

I guess I should’ve known when the back of the box featured a quote proclaiming Edge of Sanity as “stylish” that it would be hard to watch. After all, “stylish” is basically critic-code for “it sucks…but the colors are pretty” – like how “stylish” is the only the nice thing anyone can say about Dario Argento’s post-1982 output. In the case of Edge of Sanity, we get turn-of-the-century prostitutes wearing metallic cone bras a la “Vogue”-era Madonna…which, as I mentioned before, is totally gross and hard to watch…and therefore, apparently “stylish.”

The plot of this film is totally nuts, casting Anthony Perkins as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…and maybe Jack the Ripper, too. Let me just say that I love Anthony Perkins (especially as the impotent photographer in Mahogany – a performance you must see immediately)…but one thing Anthony should never, ever have done is play British. His accent here is reminiscent of something I would have done in a high school play. If I was drunk. But what he lacks in speech patterns he more than makes up for in hammy overacting; his scenes as Mr. Hyde are a masterwork of funny-face-making and caked-on lipstick.

Interesting tidbit: Did you know that English "ladies of the night" in the late 1800s dressed like this?

Here’s where that damn “style” takes over. You see, director Gerard Kikoine makes the bizarre choice to keep the Dr. Jekyll scenes in somewhat-authentic period detail, while modernizing the Mr. Hyde scenes so that everyone looks like they’ve just stepped out of a terrible Billy Idol video. Speaking of…this is Billy Idol's twin, right?

Anyway, Anthony starts to realize that life as Dr. Jekyll, which includes playing chess and dealing with a dull wife, is way less fun than being Mr. Hyde, who gets to pick up trashy women and rub their butts…so, he becomes addicted to the drug that causes him to change personalities. And, well, I guess I can understand that. What I can’t understand is how the prostitutes could be so desperate that they’d want to sleep with Anthony…whose Mr. Hyde starts looking more and more like a cracked-out Liza Minelli:

So, after a few ladies show up dead, Scotland Yard gets involved and I think we’re supposed to assume that the Jack the Ripper scare has begun (at least, the DVD box mentioned Jack the Ripper, so I’m gonna go with that). Personally, by this time I’d totally stopped paying attention to the plot and was way too fixated on Anthony’s increasingly alarming makeup to even care about anything else. There is a lot of gratuitous male and female nudity thrown in to pad time and keep our attention…so that’s appreciated.

Things finally come to a bizarre climax involving Dr. Jekyll, the dull wife, Billy Idol’s twin, and a prostitute – who all somehow manage to end up together in a bell tower. And it all culminates in Billy licking the wife’s face before he’s attacked by Mr. Hyde. Or Dr. Jekyll. Or Jack the Ripper. Oh, hell, I have no idea what’s going on here.

Look, after years of wanting to see this movie (thanks to the great VHS box cover which graced the store shelves of a Muncie, Indiana Marsh supermarket), I guess I can’t really say I’m that disappointed. Anthony Perkins gives one of his patented late-1980s unhinged performances, and the idea of modernizing many of the hooker costumes and hairstyles results in some really satisfying belly laughs. Oh, and speaking of the prostitutes, just wait until you get to the scene where Anthony does really naughty things involving his walking stick to a topless woman on a rooftop. Ewwwwwww. There’s only one word for a scene like that: stylish!

TWO-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!!!

Just Before Dawn (1981)

2010-03-05T03:06:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Just Before Dawn is a rare thing at Tower Farm. It’s a movie that I truly love because it’s good. This is no Chained Heat; I don’t love this movie because Linda Blair gets hit on by Sybil Danning in the shower while being called a “new fish.” I love Just Before Dawn because, like the original Black Christmas, it is one of the truly great and effective slasher films of all time. The acting, script, direction, and especially the music are truly top-notch, and there are enough surprises here that it doesn’t feel as dated as something like Final Exam.

However, fear not faithful followers – there are plenty of things to make fun of.

Just Before Dawn – like another one of my favorites, Savage Weekend – falls into the backwoods camping horror subgenre sparked off in the 70s by the success of Deliverance (see also: Rituals and The Final Terror). For some reason, people in the 1970s were really freaked out that they’d go camping and get raped by hillbillies. Personally, I think if you stick to state parks you’re okay, but for some reason these 1970s young adults felt the need to hike into the Appalachian wilderness and just wait to be assaulted.

Thankfully, unlike in Deliverance, there are more than just middle-aged schlubs up for the survival challenge this time around. Our group here consists of a young and super-cool Gregg Henry (who, years later, would steal the show in Slither) and a young and super-cool Chris Lemmon (looking just like his father, Jack…except with bushier hair). The wonderful Deborah Benson and Jamie Rose play their respective girlfriends, while Ralph Seymour rounds out the group as the dorky fifth wheel (which, as we know, every cool group of friends is forced to include...i.e. Franklin in Texas Chainsaw, Randy in Scream, etc.). From their very first appearance you will wish you were part of this group. I mean, come on…Gregg Henry appears to be sipping from a can of beer while driving an RV and the whole crew is rocking out to Blondie’s “Heart of Glass.” They’re awesome!

Anyway, it seems Gregg’s family owns some land up in the middle of nowhere, and these geniuses have decided to haul their RV up the side of a mountain to get there. A massive motor home wouldn’t exactly be my first choice as a cliff-climbing vehicle…but what the hell. Along the way they meet the forest ranger, who warns them that the mountain is no place for camping… “especially with ladies along.” Uh-oh…sounds like a hillbilly rape warning to me. Of course, the cool kids totally disregard the ranger, basically spending the entire conversation making fun of the guy before speeding off in their totally inappropriate mammoth vehicle.

Oh, and did I mention that the forest ranger is played by the wonderful George Kennedy…acting as crazy as ever while shouting, “I WARNED YA!”

Speaking of red flags…the group next encounters a crazy drunk wandering through the wilderness who tells them he’s being chased be a “demon” on the mountain. Again, our kids totally ignore what is basically a blatant warning of hillbilly molestation, and leave the poor bum to walk back down the mountain alone!

And…well…while we’re still on the subject of red flags, once the group has set up camp they come across a young, barefoot hillbilly girl singing a creepy song while playing in a stream. COME ON, guys…we’ve done everything but play dueling banjos here…get the hell out of the moutains! Of course, they don’t…and instead take the natural course of action: cross a rickety old rope bridge and go skinny-dipping!

The skinny-dipping scene is a great one, as we soon see our hillbilly killer dive under the water and start fondling Jamie Rose, who thinks it’s her boyfriend...and let me tell you, this guy can really hold his breath. As ridiculous as this sounds, it’s actually well done and very icky…especially when Jamie looks to the shore and sees her man, realizing that it’s someone else under the water messing around with her. And yet…RED FLAGS…they still don’t bother jumping in that camper and driving back down the mountain!

They’ll regret that, of course, once the killings begin – which happens about 50 minutes in. Chris Lemmon is the first to go, coming face to face with the hillbilly killer on that damn rope bridge which, of course, means he’s going to die a watery death. The killer, by the way, is exceedingly creepy. He’s not the rubbery-looking mutant you’ll find in Wrong Turn (a movie clearly inspired by this one); he’s just a dirty, fat slob who wheezes and giggles and walks around with mean-looking machete:

Jamie Rose and Ralph Seymour die off literally minutes later, in another perfectly played scene taking place in an abandoned chapel. Poor Ralph gets a machete in the stomach while Jamie…well, we’re not quite sure what happens to her…but it doesn’t sound good. Oh, and by the way, we find out in this scene that the big fat hillbilly killer – who thus far has seemed to move around really, really fast – is actually twins. Apparently hillbilly inbreeding makes one very fertile. Double the fun!

Anyway, things roar to an exciting climax as Gregg Henry and Deborah Benson face down the dynamic duo in the middle of the woods. Well, actually, it’s just Deborah doing the facing down, as Gregg becomes a blithering idiot, crying on the ground and being generally useless. This is one area in which Just Before Dawn still seems incredibly modern; the man, in this case, is a total whiney wimp, whereas the woman kicks some ass. In fact, the major character arc of the movie involves Deborah becoming more and more primal, tapping into her savage side which culminates in her literally jamming her fist down one of the killer’s throats. It’s an amazing scene that I hate to ruin with a screencap…but how can I not include this?

As I mentioned before, this is one of those movies in which all of the elements just seem to click. Everyone involved – even crazy old George Kennedy – rises to the occasion. The score is also one of the all-time horror greats; it’s amazing more movies don’t completely rip it off. Just Before Dawn is that rare combination of a truly effective horror movie (i.e. The Exorcist) that also happens to be ridiculously enjoyable (i.e. I Know Who Killed Me). And for that, it easily rates…

FIVE FINGERS!!!

The Crush (1993)

2010-03-01T10:44:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

This is it, folks; this is the real deal. The Crush is a movie that’s not just so bad it’s good…it’s a movie that’s so terrible it’s nearly perfect. An insanely stupid melding of Lolita with Fatal Attraction, and boasting not one but THREE equally preposterous lead performances, The Crush is the kind of movie JM and I can watch over and over again – and frequently do – and always come up with some new hilarious tidbit to quote for days. For example, as I write this, I just noticed this credit for the first time, which is awesome:

Let’s start – as the movie does – with leading man Cary Elwes as new-guy-in-town Nick Eliot. Boasting the most perfectly coiffed 90s bang swoop this side of Edward Furlong, Cary does his best to hide a pronounced English accent (his best, by the way, being completely unsuccessful) as his character starts a new job as a writer at a big-city “trendy” magazine. Nick has big dreams of being a great reporter – a dream that seems all too out-of-reach when he makes impossibly stupid mistake of renting a sh*t hole of a guesthouse without even stepping foot inside.

Lucky for him, his new neighbor is teen sexpot Adrian, played by Alicia Silverstone in what the DVD box calls her “breakthrough role.” Apparently, overacting with a forced, unnatural sexuality is all it takes to “break through” – which means Sharon Stone has been having breakthroughs for about 20 years now. Anyway, Adrian is a spoiled rich teen who develops a bizarre crush on Nick, something that becomes painfully obvious as she spies in him in the bathroom. And ladies and gentleman, may we present to you ridiculous butt double #1:

Nick does his best to discourage the 14-year-old’s advances, although his attempts – which include telling her “If you were ten years older...” and later kissing her on a moonlit boat harbor – probably aren’t the best way to make the kid disappear. The kiss, by the way, is totally awkward and disturbing, especially when followed by this scene minutes later, during which the camera lovingly pans over the pre-teen in her bathing suit as Nick watches her through a window:

Anyway, soon Adrian is exhibiting some…er…violent tendencies as it becomes apparent that Nick is into another woman, Amy. Amy, by the way, is played by Jennifer Rubin. Yes, the punk girl from A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Jennifer is anything but punk here, instead reduced to playing a slightly tomboyish photographer who – perhaps in an attempt to balance out Alicia – displays not an ounce of sexuality at all. Adrian and Amy don’t exactly hit if off, a scene played out as poor Amy is told she has “small breasts” by the 14-year-old. Ouch.

Nick, meanwhile, continues his chain of colossal mistakes by breaking into Adrian’s home and “inadvertently” spying on her in the bathroom. And ladies and gentlemen, may we present to you ridiculous butt double #2:

So, Adrian finally gets really pissed off and starts trying to kill people, which is where things really pick up. First she gives her little friend a faulty saddle so that the girl gets thrown by a horse, and then she takes a page from the Sleepaway Camp book of murder by locking Amy up with a hive of wasps. This may seem to you like a strangely difficult way of trying to kill someone, but it does give us, the viewers, the pleasure of watching Jennifer Rubin freak out around the room while covered in bugs:

This is nothing compared to the final showdown, though, which pits our adult male protagonist against a 14-year-old in hand-to-hand combat. Yes, that’s right, there’s an actual fight scene between the two. Well, it’s a fight scene between Cary Elwes and someone in a long wig. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, may we present to you another ridiculous body double:

So, the movie ends with poor Adrian locked away in a mental hospital, and Nick living with Amy happily ever after. And I guess we’re supposed to forget that Nick actually kissed the 14-year-old girl at one point. I mean, sure…trying to kill someone with wasps would indicate that she's crazy. But…didn’t Nick kind of ask for it by making out with the kid?

Oh, well…what’s important is that The Crush is awesome. Alicia Silverstone’s performance here easily earns her a spot in the Tower Farm Trashy Women Hall of Fame, if only for the nauseating moment when she asks Nick, “Ever do a virgin?” And Cary Elwes may just lead the pack in the brand-new Tower Farm Bland Beyond Words Leading Men Hall of Fame, along with David Morrissey in Basic Instinct 2 and David Boreanaz of Valentine. Oh, and the body doubles are great, too. They don’t get any awards, but they do get…

FOUR FINGERS!!!

Sorority Row (2009)

2010-02-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Finally…FINALLY…here’s a newly released horror movie that we at Tower Farm can really appreciate. Any film that brings together the powerhouse acting trifecta of Carrie Fisher, Rumer Willis, and Audrina Patridge is a surefire hit over in these parts, and let me tell you, the ladies do not disappoint. I’ve never seen the original The House on Sorority Row, but I’m guessing it has nothing to do with this movie, which might as well be titled I Know What You Did 8 Months Ago. It borrows so heavily from the Last Summer series that it's practically Part 4, not to mention throwing in liberal helpings of Black Xmas and Mean Girls. Basically, this movie combines the three genres we love best: sequels, remakes, and ripoffs.

Therefore, it’s the perfect movie.

Sorority Row plunges we, the viewers, immediately into the exciting world of Greek life…which, according to this movie, involves parties with lingerie-clad sorority girls performing a choreographed dance routine (yes…a line dance in the middle of a sorority house party) and a trampoline in the front hall where the girls have sexy pillow fights before adoring crowds of frat boys clearly in the late 20s/early 30s. Wow. This sure doesn’t look like any of the Greek parties I attended in college.

Then again, none of the sorority girls I knew were quite like those of Theta Pi. Sample dialogue, spoken by a girl nicknamed “Chugs”: “C’mon, roofie sex isn’t that bad. You get laid and you get a good night’s sleep!” Classy.

Speaking of roofies, the basic plot here revolves around the old prank-gone-wrong scenario – in this case, a stupidly elaborate prank in which “Hills”-star Audrina Patridge pretends to overdose on the drug. The sisters then scare her boyfriend into driving her body to a remote mine where, believing that she’s really dead, he shoves a carjack through her chest. Oops!

Before I move forward, let me pause to make a few important points. Patridge, in her acting debut, is given three lines, each of which she delivers as if reading directly off a cue-card. Her top-billed role amounts to about two minutes of screen-time, essentially setting her up as the Janet Leigh “star-who-dies-early” of the movie. I’ll let that sink in for a moment…Audrina Patridge, of a trashy cable reality show, is the Janet Leigh of this movie.

Also important to point out is the scene in which the girls decide to throw Audrina’s body into the mineshaft and keep her death a secret. It is written/shot/acted exactly like the same scene in I Know What You Did Last Summer, right down to the main “good” girl being forced into silence. That “good” girl, Cassidy, is played by Briana Evigan. Rumer Willis, meanwhile, is the nerdy sister that every horror movie sorority seems forced to accept. Willis, decked out in plastic Sally Jesse-glasses and a crazily tangled red Elvira wig, is a visual delight:

Anyway, 8-months later, you know what’s coming: scary text messages that might as well just say, “I Know What You Did Last Party.” By the way…are text messages capable of being creepy? I’m thinking…not. Anyway, red herrings immediately crawl out of the woodwork, ranging from Audrina’s bizarre sister to the boyfriend who killed her in the first place, who’s apparently gone crazy in the 8 months since.

The aforementioned Chugs is the first to die, and gets the honor of the most creative death. Chugs happens to be boinking her shrink in a trade-off for pills (and actually mentions – in the most sparkling, sophisticated dialogue of the year – playing the game “catch me, rape me”), and while drinking from a wine bottle at his office, this happens:

Awesome.

Next up, some totally random chick gets butchered in the shower. She’s not one of the main sisters, and didn’t actually have anything to do with the murder. The poor girl doesn’t even get a name, for Christ’s sake. But, what the hell…I guess it was a good excuse to get a shower scene featuring lots of boobs.

Speaking of boobs, if you thought the opening party scene was awesome, wait ‘til you see the Theta Pi graduation shindig. This time, we trade the trampoline and line-dancing for a yard full of foam and actual strippers! Again, let just say that I went to a large university that is actually known as something of a party school, and I never ended up at a party like this:

While the party would seem a perfect backdrop for the rest of the slayings, the script goes a little haywire here, as the girls drive all the way back to the mineshaft where, for no apparently reason, they actually lower Cassidy into the mine to see if the dead body is still there! Not that logic has played any role in this movie thus far…but seriously, they rig up a chain to lower a girl into a mineshaft to check on a dead body!! This movie is amazing. The scene accomplishes absolutely nothing except for padding out the script for a good 15 minutes, and you all know we at Tower Farm love some successful time padding.

Thankfully, before long, we get another murder, and this one’s a real winner. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Carrie Fisher, doing her very best Margot Kidder impersonation:

So Carrie is the housemother, and for some reason she shows up toting a shotgun and hunting the killer while growling out dialogue including, “Please don’t think I’m afraid of you…I run a house with 50 crazy bitches!” The scenes of her stalking around the house and firing off at shadows are the stuff Tower Farm is built on, but unfortunately she ends being impaled in the kitchen.

So blah blah blah…more stuff happens and finally the killer is unmasked. It turns out that the killer – who throws tire irons with the skill of a ninja assassin and throws around adults with the strength of Hercules – is the scrawny school valedictorian who happens to be Cassidy’s boyfriend.

Why is he the killer? Umm…well…okay, it’s never really made clear. I think he did it for love or something.

Anyway, this movie is wonderful. And there’s really no way a single review can do it justice. The script, performances, etc. are so chock full of ridiculousness that the only way to fully appreciate it is to watch it over and over again. Which is what I intend to do. So, for now, I’ll leave you with the completely predictable rating:

FIVE FINGERS!!!

Day Of The Animals (1977)

2010-02-21T02:34:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Having recently watched and reviewed 1976’s Grizzly, it only makes sense that I’ve moved on to the next year’s Day of the Animals, given that a) it was directed by the same man, b) it stars the same man, and c) it’s the same damn movie. Director William Girdler made a career of taking hot properties at the time (The Exorcist, Jaws) and “borrowing” their premises for his own versions (Abby, Grizzly). This time around, probably due to the success of Grizzly, Girdler essentially rips off himself…something that Tower Farm condones and actually strives to do with each and every review.

Christopher George, the rugged, tobacco-stained star of Pieces, Graduation Day, and Grizzly, is back this time as a cowboy hat-wearing country boy leading a group of hikers on a mission through the California mountains. Readers are no doubt aware that I’m a huge fan of Christopher George, having incredible respect for any man who parlays a decent career in television into starring in some of the schlockiest B-films ever made as well as a spread in “Playgirl.” Here, our Chris seems to have even more trouble remembering his lines than normal, and his country accent is about as realistic as the stock animal close-ups that pad out the first fifteen minutes of the film.

Also along for the ride is Lynda Day George (Christopher’s real-life wife), looking even more like a Muppet here than she did in her unforgettable appearance in Pieces. Lynda, sporting an impressive mane of yellow cotton-candy hair, also happens to be playing a news “anchorwoman” – a particular weakness of mine. And in a hilariously un-PC conversation, we find out she came into her profession after having an affair with a journalism professor in college, murmuring, “The affair was a dud, but the course was terrific!” Take that, Barbara Walters and your strong work ethic!

Speaking of news anchors, we’re treated to a very long television report in which this attractive anchor drones on for what feels like fifteen minutes about ozone depletion and how it’s especially bad in high altitude areas.

So, apparently overnight the ozone layer has pretty much disintegrated and now animals have suddenly gone hog-wild (we know this because, again, we keep getting shots of really mean-looking birds flying toward the camera). An explanation for this is never given, but since it is the late 70s, and people were using lots and lots of aerosol hairsprays, I don’t find the plot too far-fetched. Not that I’m pointing any fingers, LDG:

The animals start attacking about a half-hour in, and as we’ve come to expect from William Girdler, the visual effects don’t disappoint. The first murder involves several large raptors literally flying a woman off a cliff, and ends in a rear-screen projection fall that must be seen to be believed. Equally enjoyable are the few seconds after the death, as the woman’s boyfriend stands at the top of the cliff screaming “MANDYYYYYYY!” with his hands in the air.

Meanwhile, our hikers are the whiniest bunch of twits this side of Tower Farm; long before any of them realize they’re being stalked by every animal on the mountain, they’re bitching and moaning and about the heat and the lack of food as though they’ve been forced to participate in the hike at gunpoint. The worst offender is none other than Leslie Nielsen, who turns in the most irritating performance of his career – well, until he made his next movie. Anyway, a young Andrew Stevens is also part of the crew – this, of course, long before Shannon Tweed and straight-to-VHS sex thrillers changed his life.

The attacks continue with some poor schlub in his bathrobe who’s targeted by – I’m not kidding here – jumping rats. Soon the whole nearby town’s going nuts, undergoing a mass evacuation that several people, for some inexplicable reason, seem to be managing by foot while walking in single-file lines.

Forget about law and order...if animals were attacking and we didn’t have a car, JM and I would be trampling over mothers and their children to get out of there!

But the last half hour of Day of the Animals really ups the ante on nuttiness, as Leslie morphs from being an annoying bigot into a completely crazy, shirtless, Lord of the Flies-ish dictator. Nielsen really goes into overdrive here, suddenly deciding to rape a young woman and beat up the rest of the campers for no apparent reason. Naturally, his hammy overacting immediately won me over – and I found myself almost rooting for him more than my beloved Christopher, especially in his strangely erotic fight-to-the-death with a bear.

Other than a few comical moments – including an instance where a man tells a crying little girl “I’ll never leave you again” only to leave her alone about twenty seconds later – things are all downhill after Leslie’s death. The problem with a movie like this, of course, is that it can’t possibly end well; as The Birds taught us, the best we can hope for is a depressing open ending in which we know things are only going to get worse after the final credit, right?

Well…amazingly, Girdler does it again. He tosses out a final curveball, having all the animals suddenly dying because ozone levels are correcting themselves! Does this make any sense at all? No. Do we care? Hell no! The only important thing is that we end with Lynda Day George saying “It’s over.” Now that’s an ending! These poor people go through death and destruction only to learn it’s basically the environment’s great big practical joke! I love it. Thank you, Mr. Girdler, for giving me faith in not only Leslie Nielsen…but in Mother Nature, too!

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!

Grizzly (1976)

2010-02-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Considering that William Girdler directed Abby – the blaxploitation version of The Exorcist that gave us a possessed Carol Speed telling victims “You know what, baby? You would just be out of sight if you had a couple more inches!” – and Christopher George starred in Pieces, the greatest slasher movie ever made, it’s gonna be hard for Grizzly to go wrong. The director and star team up for this mid-70s Jaws re-hash, which drains all the tension and innovation from the Spielberg movie and comes out with what could easily pass for an insanely hokey National Park Service instruction video.

Speaking of hokey, the opening music here is just totally inappropriate. I know Girdler was chasing Jaws all the way, hoping to duplicate that movie’s respected film score, but this one kind of sounds like the soundtrack rejected from Mary Poppins for being too upbeat. And in the most embarrassing import from across the pond this side of Posh Spice, I give you this credit:

Anyway, as you can tell by the title, instead of a shark we’re dealing with a bear this time. And no, sexy beast Christopher George (an honest to God "Playgirl" centerfold…Google it) doesn’t play Grizzly, although I believe it’s the perfect nickname for him. George plays the head park ranger Michael Kelly, a cool dude in charge of a forest reserve where, unfortunately for him, a bear has begun attacking backpackers. Once the fur begins to fly, Kelly orders all campers to vacate the park, and in classic William Girdler subtlety, we get some awesome shots of panicked backpackers literally racing to get out of the park, as though they’ve just been told the entire place will be hit by an atomic bomb in 30 seconds:

Twelve minutes in, we get our first attack, and it’s WONDERFUL. The bear POV shots are classic, if only because we appear to be looking through the eyes of a drunk, 80-year-old asthmatic. Seriously, our Grizzly seems to be very unsteady on his feet, and judging from the sounds of his breathing, he’s way out of shape for a killer bear. Rather than try to describe the special effects extravaganza that is a William Girdler bear attack, let me just give you these snapshots of brilliance:

The next attack is equally impressive, given the fact that a female park ranger – in the middle of searching for a savage Grizzly bear! – strips down and decides to skinny dip in a stream for awhile. The only thing I can assume is that this lady has a sincere death wish, although dressing yourself up in a deer carcass and begging the bear to kill you probably would’ve been an easier way to go. Anyway, her death is quick, but it’s hard on poor Christopher George, who ends up drinking in a lodge bar questioning the meaning of life while flirting with a girl who appears to be age-appropriate to play his granddaughter.

The hunt for the Grizzly is long and intense, as I’m sure any hunt for a 15-foot tall, 2,000-pound creature would be. Strangely, though it’s acknowledged that the bear only seems to go after beautiful young women, nobody comes up with the idea of using some hot female park ranger as bait and waiting the thing out. Instead, Christopher & co. seem to drive their jeeps around in circles for a good 45-minutes, which in turn led me to my fast-forward button for added viewing pleasure.

Finally, after a few lame chase scene, Grizzly returns in a big way, knocking down an entire forest service watchtower and killing one of Christopher’s favorite rangers in the process. Well, hell hath no fury like Christopher George when he’s making his pissed face:

…which means the Grizzly’s in deep sh*t now. Especially when, in the next scene, the Grizzly actually eats off a child’s leg:

Okay, it’s official…this movie is WAY better than Jaws and is probably the greatest animal attack movie ever.

Anyway, you know what’s coming: a one-on-one battle of the bears, starring Grizzly and Christopher George. Things come to a satisfying conclusion when Chris literally fires a cannonball at the bear and blows it up. I’m not kidding. The bear explodes in a giant fireball. The end.

So, obviously this is a great movie. Next to Abby, this one’s use of locations and real animals makes it look like Gone With The Wind, rating it a major triumph for Girdler. And, again, it’s hard to imagine a movie today brave enough to kill off a little kid – not to mention the fact that any giant-animal-killer movie made today would also feature a CGI-Grizzly disaster, rather than a creatively edited zoo animal, as is the case here. Therefore, Grizzly easily rates…

FOUR FINGERS!

Interview With The Filmmaker: Damien Sage

2010-02-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

by JM and Billy

Some time back, JM reviewed the film Psychotropica , written, produced, starring, and whatever else Damien Sage. Recently, the filmmaker took a little time to talk to the Tower Farm boys about this movie and his plans for the present and future. We've got to tell you, it is hard not to like a guy that names Once Upon A Time In The West and A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors among his favorites.

Tower Farm (TF)- First of all...let's talk about you. What kind of twisted experiences lead a person to make a movie like "Psychotropica"?

Damien Sage (DS)- Haha. Well.... I have had a bunch of odd experiences in my life certainly. Nothing nearly as bat shit crazy as what goes on in Psychotropica. The incestuous love triangle of the film is the only thing that has any sort of semi basis in reality. And really it is just based on the cracked friendship I have with my step brother (who plays The Patient's step brother in the film) and my best friend "Tiffany Titmouse" (who plays The Patient's sister in the film.) Of course we all didn't have sex with one another or go around killing people, but we are dirty birds who liked to make dark jokes, act crazy and what not. The movie is as grim, weird, nasty and out there as it is because I just wanted to make a memorable film. You might hate it, you might love it, but you would CERTAINLY not forget it.

TF- Is there a single movie from your childhood that led you to want to make a movie of your own?

DS- The first movie I EVER saw was A Nightmare on Elm Street. I saw it when I was a baby, too young to remember it vividly of course. But THAT movie changed me as a person. I hold it as one of the single greatest cinematic achievements in history. Just the sheer artistry and beauty of it, considering the budget and constraints. It's also the only movie to ever truly scare me. Elm Street really is the catalyst for my cinematic desires. I got a camera when I was 13, from my father, who also exposed me to Elm Street (and many other films a normal child wouldn't get to see, haha) and, I have been doing what I do since.

TF- We loved your film...and like most movies we love, we have no clue what was going on! Can you give our readers a brief description and talk about where the inspiration for the script/story came from?

DS- Psychotropica came about out of desperation. In 2008 we did a short suspense film called "D.O.D. (Dead on Delivery)" it got a smidge of critical acclaim, some good praise from Sean S. Cunningham and Mike Hodges and was in a foreign film festival. Flushed with our tiny bit of success I wrote a feature length version of D.O.D. called Monochrome. We got a backer who was going to put up $300,000, Faye Dunaway, David Carradine, Nancy Allen, Barry Bostwick, Dee Wallace, Gary Busey and Erin Grey were going to have parts in it. (And they were going to be working for next to nothing obviously, just because they liked the script.) Then at the last moment we were getting down to shooting and the backer pulled out due to a "loss at Cannes." Naturally myself and my crew were crushed... So, I said fuck it, let's just do something totally crazy ourselves, for nothing and never deal with all that BS again. I took a script I had already written called "The Eclipse," which featured the incestuous, assassin siblings and the murder of my character's son via car crash and improvised a new movie around the basic premise. I wanted it to be like a nightmare or dream captured on film, both in plot and look. So there is no real script for Psychotropica, I literally made it up along the way, grounding it with a basic outline and themes that inter connect. When you have a dream, one moment you can be running through the woods getting chased by a dinosaur, you turn a corner and end up pushing a donut on the wing of a plane. Psychotropica is definitely more cohesive than that, but that was the basic idea. To create pure audio/visual overload, like a dream that has some deeper meaning you cant quite piece together until you've finished dreaming it. In the end also the point is always just to make a bad ass movie, that has at least a tiny bit of depth to it.

TF- Clearly you were focused on the visual look of the movie -- there are some stunning effects, especially given the budget you had to work with. What other movies/filmmakers inspired the look?

DS- The look of the film started as a joke. When I first started my endeavors as a filmmaker it all was VERY experimental, weird and daft. I started off in a heavy Dario Argento, Ken Russell, 80's Michael Mann, etc phase, so all of the stuff I did early on was just... plain weird. Eventually I moved away from it for a while, to ground myself a bit more (dont get me wrong I'll never TOTALLY move away from oddness.) After a while though I got a few emails from fans from my early days asking me to do more of the trippy stuff because.... well.... a lot of my (very limited) fan base apparently likes to get high and watch my works. Despite how it may seem, I myself have never done drugs BUT if that's what my few fans want to see, then why not give it to them? So that is why Psychotropica has the warped acid-trip like visual style to it. (Plus it does fit the dream logic of the story.) As far as direct filmmaker influences go I like to tell people that, if early John Waters got together with Suspiria era Dario Argento and Ken Russell to make a psychological melodrama about incestuous, murderous siblings.... Psychotropica would be the result. (Really though the movie has little nods to just about every filmmaker I love, in some way. There is a list of regards at the end of the movie.)

TF- Are you a complete control freak...or do you just genuinely enjoy doing EVERY single job on-set?

DS- If I was a complete control freak my name would appear in the credits WAY more than it does, haha. I'm just VERY, psychotically dedicated... Really though, starting off making films as a boy I never wanted to do "home movies." I always wanted to do more and more ambitious things, I was however the only one I knew who wanted to do these things, so I sort of had to teach myself how to do everything. If I had more people around me who shared my passion and could shoot and do practical effects, stunt choreography, etc. Right now I have my partner who does CGI/Graphic Design work, a friend who also does various types of CGI, RIP/TORN for music/songs and a handful of people who are willing to let me shove them in front of the camera, haha. My wearing so many hats is really just out of necessity, I do enjoy doing all that I do though. I just want to make the best films I can possibly make and I would bend over backwards to make them. I've been electrocuted, moved a kitchen into a basement for better lighting, jumped off of numerous buildings, scaled trees, burnt my eyebrows off, destroyed bathtubs, made a complete ass out of myself MANY times AND more, for the films I do. So, I'm just a lot dedicated and a little crazy.

TF- How long -- start to finish -- did it take to finish "Psychotropica"?

DS- This is hard to say. We shot a few scenes for The Eclipse (the movie that was the basis for Psychotropica) in 2004 and 2005, I hazard to guess somewhere around 40% of the movie was done back then. Maybe about... 2 weeks TOTAL was shot at that time. Then, as often happens in the no budget world, I lost actors, people got jobs, commitments, school, etc and we had to stop. Then after the D.O.D./Monochrome affair back in early 08, we began on Psychotropica proper in July of 08 and we finished shooting, editing and producing the remaining 60% of the film by July of 09. In that time really about 2 months total time was spent actually shooting (we did a lot of weekend and half day shooting.) Another good portion of that year was eaten up by the CGI effects, which take forever to create, render and perfect. For example, it took nearly 2 months of constant work to complete the Anime-like "Demon Fight" in the film. Otherwise, I did all editing and post production work as we shot, score and songs were completed as each scene were completed. All in all, if it was added up we spent about 3 months total making the film, stretched out over 4 or 5 years, haha.

TF- We love "deserted island" questions at TF. So...you're on a deserted island...what 5 movies do you need with you?

DS- Oooh, major tough one for me.... Hrm... I'd say Once Upon a Time in the West (my favorite film), A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (despite my love of the first, 3 is my favorite), Crimes of Passion (Kathleen Turner as a hooker with a heart of gold named China Blue and Anthony Perkins as a crazed preacher who wants to kill her with a razor dildo, hello?), The Naked Gun (cause everyone needs a good dead pan laugh now and then) and my favorite porno (no explanation needed.) I could (and have) watch all those a million times. I spose also I would have to have one of those Videodrome chest vagina, VCR's to play them all with or something too.

TF- Where did you find Tiffany Titmouse? I mean, come on!

DS- Tiffany is my bestest friend. We've known each other for many many moons. And I know it will cause a lot of grief to the men who watch the film but Tiffany is now Kaleb. She had the tits chopped off a bit more than a year ago, still has the... erm.. downstairs lady parts though, but is a man now. Also... just because we all find it funny, the guy in the sex scene, my step brother is gay. AND the scene was shot in a smelly dog hair covered garage, in February! So despite how hot the scene turned out, there was no real naughtiness going on. (We've all been really wanting to do a commentary track for the movie, it'd be a gas.)

TF- Wow. The news about Tiffany/Kaleb certainly opens up possibilities when in comes to a new project with him....

TF- What's next -- any films coming down the pipeline?

DS- We have two projects in very loose pre-production at the moment (Storyboarding, effects, props and supplies are being worked on and gathered as best we can. Some casting is done.) Naturally our old "No money is harmed during the making of these films." motto is still in play as, right now at least, we are still doing everything out of our meager pockets. We've sold a whopping 5 copies of Psychotropica on DVD and have had no luck getting wider distribution so far. We'd like to get at least 5 or so grand together all at once to really start, but... you never know in the no budget world. But in any case the two next projects planned are:
1. A pitch black comedy/slasher parody/meta-film called "Extremely Violent." It's about a world famous Michael Crichton-like author who has some severe writers block (and a stalker, a mound of debt and a horrendous deadline.) In a fit of desperation the author decides to become a serial killer and write about his experiences, hilarity and the most over the top kill scenes in the history of film will ensue.
2. A paranoid thriller called "Shadow of the Assassin." I don't want to divulge to much about the plot, so I'll just leave you with the tag-line; "This morning he killed the President... This afternoon he survived a plane crash... Tonight, the world's greatest assassin is going to fight his way through HELL."

Billy and JM are both thrilled to have had the time to interview Mr. Sage. Now, farmhands, PLEASE check out the review of Psychotropica and purchase this movie!!!!

A Vote For Tower Farm Is A Vote For Freedom!

2010-01-28T18:09:00.000-08:00

So after months of watching everyone nominate each other for awards and sitting around doing nothing about it, we're jumping on the political campaign trail. These means in the coming months you can expect shameless vote-begging, nonsensical debates, and sleazy sex scandals to taint the perfect reputation of Tower Farm. (And whatever the TF interns tell you...IT'S NOT TRUE!)

Coming soon, we'll be reaching across the aisle and spotlighting some of our own favorite bloggers. These are the people who, for some reason, still humor us with comments...even when our reviews are so thin and lame that it's obvious we watched half the movie on fast-forward (cough...Sinbad Of The Seven Seas...cough). These are also the people whose reviews open us up to new treasures (i.e. Carl, who's seen every horror movie ever made and has the 17 million posts to prove it!).

For now, we ask that our follow horror fans vote for us on the Bloody Disgusting Horror Blogger awards. We have no idea how we ended up on such a reputable list of blogs (clearly a clerical error)...but we intend to make the most of it while we can. Here's the link:

For now...thanks again for following along with us during our first year of existence!!

Sinbad Of The Seven Seas (1989)

2010-01-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

This movie is totally embarrassing. It is embarrassing in a way few movies are brave enough to be. Starring the sleaze-tastic trio of Lou Ferrigno, John Steiner, and Daria Nicolodi, Sinbad of the Seven Seas provides a master class in the arts of sloppy dubbing, high school drama department worthy costumes, and really bad teeth. It is a visual assault on par with Roller Boogie – a disturbing explosion of glitter, rhinestones, and fiberglass sets that could test the patience of even the most trash-tolerant movie fan. And so, dear friends, if you’re brave enough, read on. If you’re not so sure…here’s a little taste of the horrors to come:

Right off the bat, it’s important to acknowledge the ridiculousness of a movie in which Daria Nicolodi (she of every great 70s Giallo, and who apparently hit a VERY rough patch in 1989) is credited as “Narrator”…except that she’s dubbed. Umm…that means she’s not actually narrating the story, right? Anyway, Daria is looking especially alarming here, sporting perhaps the worst 80s Mom hair since my own mother’s hair was fried during the Terre Haute botched perm disaster of ‘86. If I had a picture of my mother’s burnt-frizz nightmare, I’d post it. Instead, here’s Daria displaying hers:

Anyway, Daria reads the story of Sinbad to her daughter (who, by the way, seems completely confused as to who this strange woman is and what she’s talking about). I’d love to relate the story to you now, except I really don’t know what this movie is about. It has something to do with Sinbad the sailor and an evil wizard named Jaffar. Jaffar, by the way, is the only reason I rented this movie, because he’s played by John Steiner. If you are unfamiliar with the wonder that is Mr. Steiner, I suggest you immediately run out and rent such classics as Tenebre, Schock, Salon Kitty, and another else you can find him in. Steiner is THE king of Eurotrash, and I will gladly admit I have a massive crush on him when viewing him in his 70s heyday.

Unfortunately for me, this movie wasn’t made in the 1970s. It was made in 1989. And here’s what we get:

Yikes.

Speaking of yikes, let’s talk about the costumes and set decoration here. If you have an aversion to gold lamé, you’ll want to avoid this film at all costs. The costume designers apparently had a field day while ransacking the aisles of the Disney World “Pirates of the Caribbean” gift shop, unfortunately coming up with atrocities like this one, which puts the Hulk in a pink top and shoulder pads worthy of the most insane “Dynasty” cross-dressing subplot:

The sets, meanwhile, come straight out of the worst Broadway musical in history. I really don’t know what else to say. Just look at this next picture and tell me you don’t imagine having to sit through “Star Trek – The Musical” starring Nathan Lane as Kirk and Martin Short as Spock:

Oh…and most important of all, at one point Jaffar introduces this woman, a “wicked sorceress” called Soukra (played by somebody credited only as Teagan) who now haunts my dreams nightly:

OK, look…clearly I’ve made a strong case for this being the most embarrassing movie of all time. If Soukra didn’t convince you, nothing will. I have no idea how this movie came to be, whose idea it was, or how it ever got released. All I know is that I hope to never see it again. That said, disasters this epic deserve at least a little bit of credit. I mean, few movies would be ballsy enough to put their leading man – known to millions as a muscled crime-fighter – in fluffy pink shoulder pads. So I have to kind of love Sinbad. Plus, we’ve got a narrator that’s not really talking. At Tower Farm, that move is considered a stroke of genius, and worthy of at least…

TWO FINGERS!!

The Hills Run Red (2009)

2010-01-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

About halfway through watching The Hills Run Red, I started having the feeling of déjà vu. Like, everything about it seemed familiar…and not in the usual way that everything seems familiar in straight-to-DVD horror. This time I kept recognizing and predicting elements: odd, bland final girl? Check. Generic, vaguely European locations? Check. Possible accents being (unsuccessfully) hidden by inexperienced actors? Check.

Good God – this movie is Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead.

Seriously, these two movies are eerily similar. Both feature British actors doing their best to convince us they’re red-blooded Americans, and both were filmed in Europe while taking place in backwoods America. Both movies also feature some jaw-droppingly bad CGI death scenes and scripts that make little – if any – sense. And by the way, if you don’t believe me that this is an Eastern European production trying to pass itself off as American, just take a look at these credits:

In short, we should love this movie. But while I at least appreciated the sloppy cheapness of Wrong Turn 3, I was so bored by Hills that I can’t even love it for its half-assed attempts to look big-budget. And I realize that a lot of people on the Internet say this is a really good movie, but there’s a strong chance those people are horny pre-teens who were blinded by the abundance of breasts in the first-half of the movie. Thankfully for you, I am not a reviewer blinded by boobs. Unless they’re hanging off Linda Blair’s chest. Then they’re kind of distracting.

Anyway, the plot here is thin at best: three young filmmakers decide to make a documentary about a “lost” horror classic called The Hills Run Red, directed by some nut named Wilson Wyler Concannon. They track down his daughter, who’s now a junkie stripper, and detox her before making her take them deep into the woods to her father’s home, where they hope to find the original film reels. Making a movie-within-a-movie should have been a slam-dunk here; I mean, it was a perfect opportunity to recreate late-70s era exploitation (which we know can be done…hello, Grindhouse). Unfortunately, the “trailer” for the movie features these two actors, who couldn’t look more contemporary if they were in a Rihanna video:

Alexa Concannon, the director’s daughter, is played by Sophie Monk who – you guessed it from those odd pronunciations – is Australian (!) in real life, and looks like an odd morph of Donna D’Errico, Gina Gershon, and one of the girls dating Hugh Hefner. Playing a junkie stripper means Monk not only gets the chance to show off her ample chest many times – which she does – but the detox scenes give her the opportunity to take us through the “horrors” of withdrawl. And let me tell you, the hilarious montage of her screaming and crying in the shower is almost worth the price of admission.

The other girl in the group is played by Janet Montgomery who – you guessed it from those odd pronunciations – is very British in real life, and also starred in Wrong Turn 3. That I didn’t even bother mentioning her in my review of that movie should pretty much tip you off to the impact she had there, and she’s equally as exciting this time around. Though she barely even registers in the first half of the movie, the good news here is that by the end, Janet gets the chance to start overacting, where she takes irritating to a whole new level. Imagine Scout Taylor-Compton in Halloween crossed with Brittany Snow in Prom Night, and you pretty much get the idea of how effective Janet Montgomery is as a heroine:

Anyway, in a twist that is as unsurprising as it is stupid, it turns out Wilson Wyler Concannon is still alive, and he and his daughter purposely lured the kids out so that they could continue making The Hills Run Red, which wasn’t a horror movie all along, but an actual film of people being killed. William Sadler plays Concannon, and seems to be totally basing his performance on Gary Busey. The actual killer is called Babyface, and turns out to be the daughter of Concannon and his daughter…thus, it’s an incest monster. Now, you know that I usually love incest monsters in movies, and I do kind of like the way Babyface looks. But because he’s only one of three killers in this movie (the other two being his parents), he actually doesn’t do that much, and therefore is just kind of superfluous. And this, my friends, is a huge mistake. I mean, would Michael Myers ever allow himself to be superfluous in a Halloween movie? Well…at least in one not directed by Rob Zombie?

Anyway, what else can I say? I wanted to like this movie, but I didn’t really. It just made me want to watch something that didn’t try so hard…something like Urban Legends: Final Cut, which is another horror movie-about-horror movies, but doesn’t even attempt to try to be smart or slick. I mean, come on…UL2 gave us the Hitchcock Award. Maybe that’s what this movie is missing: a Hitchcock Award, or something as equally stupid. Instead, it’s just kind of a bland hour and a half. In other words, it gets an Eli Roth Award.

TWO-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!

Happy Birthday To Me (1981)

2010-01-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

As…well…none of you know, my birthday is coming up very, very soon. I say “none” because I doubt even my brother and blog-partner JM has any idea that it’s almost my birthday. You see, JM never gives me presents, although I have gifted him with some of the finest wares he’s ever received, including a Bon Jovi poster for his birthday in ’88 and a Vinnie Vincent Invasion cassette tape that I know he still counts among his favorite birthday presents ever. Anyway, if you think JM is a bad brother who doesn’t deserve to be related to me, please comment below and let him know.

On to the movie…I thought it only appropriate that I break out my new copy of Happy Birthday To Me, the 1981 slasher classic starring Melissa Sue Anderson of “Little House on the Prairie” fame and featuring one of the all-time great movie posters in the history of horror. Thankfully, someone recently wised up, and Anchor Bay re-released the DVD with the original poster as the cover art, rather than the generic image that had previously served as the DVD cover. I mean, come on…what were they thinking the first time around.

Anyway, the plot revolves around a group of students called the Crawford Top 10 – supposedly the ten most popular and elite students at Crawford Academy. And let me just say this – if these ten a-holes are the most popular and elite, JM and I went to the wrong school. Seriously, look at these kids – there’s more frizzy hair here than at a Fleetwood Mac concert. Hell, JM and I would’ve easily been the coolest kids at this school…even if one of us was repeatedly playing a Vinnie Vincent Invasion cassette tape.

Anyway, the Crawford Top 10 don’t appear to actually do anything but sit around at a local pub drinking and race their cars over a drawbridge. Melissa Sue is Ginny, the new girl and the “Laurie Strode” of the movie…in other words, she’s way nicer than the other brats in the group and she’s forced to wear horrible asexual outfits like this one:

We also soon find out that Ginny was the victim in some horrible accident years ago, which destroyed part of her brain and killed her mother. In some wonderful flashbacks – during which a bald and bandaged Melissa Sue gyrates on a bed – we also learn that she was part of an experimental treatment in which an electromagnetic field was used to regenerate her own brain. In the shoddy explanation we’re given, Ginny’s brain is likened to a salamander’s tail, which re-grows if it’s been cut off. Personally, I’d be nervous if my brain was being compared to a salamander’s tail…but Ginny seems pretty OK with the whole thing. She does, however, start randomly eating flies and darting up trees…OK, I made that part up.

Anyway, the Crawford Top 10 soon becomes the Top 9…8…7…and so on, as someone butchers off the little shits one by one. The first to go is Lesleh Donaldson, who we at Tower Farm are quite fond of after her appearances in Funeral Home and especially Curtains, in which a murderer wearing ice skates manages to catch up to her and kill her with a scythe! Clearly, Lesleh is not much of a fighter, which is probably why she’s so easily chased down here. Next up, some Eurotrashy character who I never quite figured out gets his head stuck next to a motorcycle wheel which, when revved up, looks pretty painful. The original poster promised “six of the most bizarre murders you will ever see” – and as long as you remember that this movie came many years before Final Destination 3 had people’s heads exploding in weight machines, I’d agree that they’re pretty creative.

Speaking of weight machines, the next murder involved the ultra-painful idea of a weight being dropped onto a guy’s crotch, something that is closely followed by another nasty flashback where we actually see Melissa Sue’s brain swelling up through her skull. Gross. Melissa, by the way, starts acting kind of nutty, having all kinds of screaming fits in her doctor’s office, and finally we actually see her start killing people. First she stabs a dorky guy (who I’m convinced is Jamie Kennedy) in the stomach with a shovel, and then stabs a dorky guy (who I’m convinced could never be popular in any school in the world) in the mouth with a shish-ka-bob.

Is Melissa Sue Anderson really the final girl AND the killer? Or…like Straight-Jacket demonstrated back in the 1960s, is it possible that someone’s wearing a rubber mask that looks just like the heroine to frame her?

Oh…I think we know the answer.

But, let’s just play along for a moment. Melissa Sue finally remembers the tragic accident that killed her mother and destroyed her brain, and it involves a birthday party long ago and the slutty, drunk mother (who is sort of a Sharon-Stone-Basic-Instinct-2 prototype) having an affair with the father of another one of the Crawford Top 10 girls. Uh-oh…I see where this is going. I have a bad feeling we’re going to end up at a “birthday party” filled with dead bodies and a girl in a rubber mask.

So, yeah, in one of the most far-fetched twists in slasher history, the killer is the girl whose dad was having an affair with Melissa Sue’s mother, and she was passing herself off as Melissa Sue the whole time. And…they’re sisters! Oh, good God. This is like the worst “Scooby Doo” episode in history. Blah blah blah…there’s a struggle, the killer dies, Melissa gets blamed for the whole thing, and we’re finally done.

So…how to rate this Birthday party? Well, there’s a lot to like here. I love Melissa Sue Anderson, who should’ve made more movies like this. I also love the death sequences. And I really love the end-credits theme song, which features totally bizarre lyrics that rehash the story of the movie and are performed by Motown songstress Syreeta, who was married for a time to Stevie Wonder and had originally been tapped to replace Diana Ross in the Supremes. That this movie has a six-degrees connection to Diana Ross (who is my lifelong obsessions) once again proves that I create the world.

Unfortunately, the running time of this movie is dangerously close to two hours…which, let’s face it, is 40 minutes too long. A lot could have been cut…a WHOLE lot. So I can’t give it a perfect score. But I am glad I own it, especially given that I paid five bucks for it at Wal-Mart, and it has the good cover. Of course, it would have meant a lot more had my brother bought it for me…but, again, that would actually require him to remember that I have a birthday. F*&% you, JM…F%$% YOU!!!!

THREE-AND-A-HALF FINGERS

House On Haunted Hill (1999)

2009-12-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

House On Haunted Hill (1999)

By JM

Having only seen it once during its initial theatrical run, I recently decided to sit down and watch Dark Castle Entertainment’s remake of House On Haunted Hill. To be honest, it had been so long since my only viewing of this film, that I could only really remember a new moments of it and I was afraid that I would somehow find it boring.

Well, I should have known that the studio that brought us House of Wax, Gothica, and The Orphan would not disappoint.

Let’s just start with the cast. Firstly, there is my late '90s crush Bridgette Wilson playing a more amped up version of the bitchy sister character she portrayed in I Know What You Did Last Summer. Then, there is Taye Diggs. Remember him? He was famous for a little while for giving Stella her groove back. Famke Janssen plays the conniving wife of Geoffrey Rush. Yes, you read that right. As Stephen Price, Geoffrey Rush is supposed to be a William Castle-type character who promotes not gimmicky movies, but gimmicky rides… I guess. It is not entirely clear why someone like him would be famous. Ali Larter makes the cast as Sarah Wolfe. She is supposed to be a vice president of a movie studio. Uh huh. Amazingly, she stands out more against this group of hammy actors than she did against Beyonce’s enormous upstaging legs.

Speaking of hams, one of this movie’s truly shocking moments happens very early on:

Chris Kattan got an “and” and Peter Gallagher got a “with” in the credits?! Wow. Talk about instantly dating a movie. Peter Gallagher plays a smarmy doctor… who is pretty much the same as the smarmy dance instructor he played (okay, he nailed!) in Center Stage. Chris Kattan plays Harry Potter with addiction problems.

Anyway, in contrast to later Dark Castle flicks, the opening sequence is surprisingly gory and even has a couple flashes of nudity. In these scenes, the audience glimpses the sinister history of the haunted house. We find out that the Reanimator (Jeffrey Combs) had been running a famous sanitarium where he was conducting experiments on the patients. Somehow, they got loose, raped Amanda Kruger, and Freddy was born.

Okay, that last part was from a different movie. But, you get the point. Inmates slaughter the staff, who are trapped inside because of some sort of weirdo contraption that allows metal sheets to slam down over all of the doors and windows.

Years later, of course, Famke Janson’s character, Evelyn Stockard-Price, decides that this place would be perfect for a schlocky event. So, she calls her husband and puts together a guest list.

Somehow or another, though, the guest list is switched and a totally different group of people arrive. The show must go on, though, and Stephen Price announces that all must spend the night and anyone that survives until morning will be able to take his share of five million dollars.

How, exactly, does this guy make any money??

Now, I need to go off on a little bit of a tangent here. The movie is called House On Haunted Hill, right? Under what circumstances am I supposed to believe that anyone would call this place a house? I don’t care is English is your fifth language, no one is making that mistake. It is a Building From the Future On Haunted Hill. But, I guess that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Anyway, from the moment this group is trapped inside the Building From the Future, it doesn’t take long for the bodies to start piling up. I mean, assuming you don’t think almost an hour is a long time.

Does it sound like I am complaining? Because I am really not. With this group of characters, it is more fun keeping them around. That way, there is more time for dialogue like:

“God damn! This place is scary, yo!”

“Looks like someone’s trailer park is showing.” and,

“Everything you do makes me hot. Just not in the sexual sense”.

Good god.

Unlike the original movie, we find that this place actually is haunted. Haunted by a screen saver.

My brother, Billy, often will find clever ways to wrap up his reviews... Well, I am not Billy. The best I can come up with is a finger for each "h" in the title.

Three fingers.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! (1989)

2009-12-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by: JM

Let me begin by stating that I am a huge fan of the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. From my first viewing of the original as a high schooler, to my much more recent discoveries of the latter entries, this entire series of movies is… well, it’s batshit. Totally batshit crazy. Not sure there is a better description. Sorry.

Taken over by the wonderful and completely overlooked Brian Yuzna (Return of the Living Dead 3), parts four and five focus on supernatural elements like witchcraft and killer toys. These are totally enjoyable movies with great casts and surprisingly good special effects. These entries definitely feel like Rosemary’s Baby and Dolls crossed with The First Power. Obviously, no complaints here.

The first three entries in the series, however, follow the threadbare story of the Chapman brothers. As anyone who knows us at Tower Farm knows, Billy and I have a strong affection for brother stories. And, few brother stories are as heartwarming as you will get from the first three entries in this series of films.

Part one follows Billy Chapman. As a child he witnessed the killing of his mother and father by some sleaze in a Santa costume. Raised in an orphanage, as a teen he picks up a job at a toy store. The owner convinces him to dress as Santa Claus for the kids at the store. And, well, Billy flips out. He walks all over town dressed as Santa, killing people who are “naughty”. Of course, this means bullies and loose women. Finally, he is shot down.

Part two in the series is really something of a marvel. You see, we find that Billy’s brother, Ricky, who witnessed Billy’s death in the original is now institutionalized. The movie spends the first hour or so (no kidding) going over all of the scenes from part one, then Ricky flips out, yells “garbage day”, kills a few people, and is finally gunned down himself.

Super cheap movie. But also wonderful. Truly a Tower Farm movie, if ever there was one.

Part three,though, really lets it all hang out.

Now, we discover, that some quack, wearing what appears to be my Mom’s old glasses...

...is keeping Ricky’s comatose body hooked up to some sort of dream machine. Somehow, he has convinced our heroine, the blind Laura, to allow herself to be hooked up like a car battery to the same machine. Now, she can sort of share dreams with Ricky. This, of course, wakes up our killer, who come across like a cross between Freddy Kruger and Frankenstein… but a lot dumber. Yes, dumber than Frankenstein’s monster. A lot.

Anyway, played by Samatha Scully, Laura is a strange heroine in every possible way. To begin, she is supposed to be blind. But, Samantha plays blind the way an elementary school student might play blind in a civic theater production. Which is to say, sometimes thoroughly helpless and, at other times, not necessarily blind at all.

But, before I move on any further, it is necessary that I spend a little time on our killer, Ricky. This time around, he is played by genre favorite, Bill Mosely. For some reason, the top of Ricky’s head has been removed by Dr. Newbury (the quack). So, Ricky is forced to wear a glass salad bowl throughout the entire movie, displaying is exposed brain.

Oh, God! This is so wonderful! Who comes up with this?! Who okays this?! How does NO ONE step in and stop a movie like this from being filmed?!

Thank you!

Anyhow, now that our killer is awake, he goes on a killing spree searching for Laura, who, I guess, he considers his soulmate.

Luckily, Laura has tough and brave protector, her brother Chris. Let me tell you, if you thought Laura was strange, just get a load of this character.

Yes, he is the hero of this story. Him.

Anyway, an epic battle ensues. In one scene, the ghost of Laura’s grandmother even arrives to tell her that she is powerful (like an Elm Street dream warrior). This does really play out though, as Laura smashes a lightbulb and saying to Ricky that they are now “even” (because she is blind… remember?). What she fails to realize is that the room has enough ambient light in it to power a solar car. Great job hiding!

So, finally Ricky is shot and killed (for the second time in two movies). Of course, before the credits roll, we are given a shot of Ricky looking directly at the camera saying, “and a happy new year”.

What?!

Let me tell you, this movie just gets better with each viewing.

Three and a half fingers.

Black Christmas (1974)

2009-12-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Being that we’re just a few days before Christmas, I think it’s only appropriate that I pull out my all-time favorite holiday heart-warmer, Bob Clark’s Black Christmas. This is a movie that somehow eluded me for the first two decades of my life – but when I finally saw it, having rented an old VHS copy from Hollywood Video – it completely creeped me out and I instantly fell in love. It is now a holiday staple at Tower Farm, matched only by its equally wonderful – albeit in a TOTALLY different way – 2006 remake (see my brother's phenomenal review here).

You know you’re in for a great movie when the director of a movie is Bob Clark, the man who gave us A Christmas Story and Darren McGavin uttering the classic “Fra-JEE-lay…" How is it possible that one person is responsible for two of the greatest Christmas movies of all time? Anyway, you also know you’re in for a good time when the cast includes Olivia Hussey (she of the completely indescribable accent…seriously, what country is she from? England? France? Ireland?), a young and totally insane Margot Kidder, and John Saxon, basically playing Nancy’s father ten years before A Nightmare On Elm Street. Saxon, by the way, is either the most genetically fortunate man on earth or uses some damn good moisturizer, because he does not look a bit different in the Special Features interview – taped just a few years ago – than he did in the movie, filmed in 1974.

So, the plot here is one that would be aped for generations to come: a bunch of girls hang around in their college sorority house over Christmas break, only to be killed off one by one by the guy who’s been making prank phone calls to them. This plot – and the revelation that “…the calls are coming from inside the house!” – is so cliché nowadays that it’s virtually impossible for it to have any impact. But back in the early 70s, it was apparently novel enough that a thousand other filmmakers would steal all the ideas. The one element that NOBODY else has ever been able to duplicate, though, is the phone calls. These calls, with a horrifying array of voices rambling about someone named “Agnes,” are chilling. I don’t care if you’re a sociopath with absolutely no nerve endings and the largest testicles ever, you’ll still be creeped out by them.

The cast of sorority girls is also stellar. Mind you, this is the early 70s, so there are no fake boobs and bleached-blonde hair; that wouldn’t happen until 1980s horror sororities. Lynne Griffin is the first to go, in the semi-famous bag-over-the-head death. Griffin is cute here, but only gets about four lines; she’d be put to far better use years later in Curtains, where she’s forced to perform the worst stand-up comedy routine in history (if you’ve never seen that performance, you must rush out and find it…NOW. That, my friends, is a real Christmas treat. Read more about it here). Anyway, we also get Olivia Hussey as final girl Jess, who undergoes a multitude of horrible things in this movie, not the least of which is being forced to wear this odd, sexually-suggestive sweater for what seems like an awfully long time:

In a very strange bit of casting, comedienne Andrea Martin plays Phyl, and gets absolutely no chance to show off any of her comedic abilities (this would be rectified years later, however, with her inexplicable appearance as the house mother in the 2006 remake, which will have you howling with laughter). Margot Kidder is also along for the ride as Barb, the drunk and damaged sister who spends most of her scenes downing liquor and tossing off sexual one-liners. She’s so natural in this role that one can’t help but wonder if downing liquor and tossing off sexual one-liners was a typical Saturday night for Margot Kidder. Margot’s most famous scene takes place in the police station, during which she tells a dim-witted policeman that her phone number exchange includes the word “fellatio.” This is a funny bit, but you’ll likely be distracted from the dialogue by the sight of Margot’s hands, which are shot at such a bizarre angle that they appear to be coming from a basketball player standing off-screen. Seriously, folks, her hands look ENORMOUS, and can only bring to mind the “Seinfeld” episode in which Jerry dates the woman with “man-hands.”

The other important character here is Olivia’s boyfriend, played by Keir Dullea. This has got to be one of my favorite horror movie performances ever, if only because of the sheer intensity with which Dullea utters every single line. I mean, this guy appears to be under such stress at any given moment that he’s in serious danger of spontaneous combustion. Dullea’s character Peter is a budding pianist, and the scene in which he plays for his professors is a hilarious gem, as the actor painfully bangs on the keys while waterfalls of sweat pour down his face. And akin to Olivia’s ugly sweaters, poor Keir is forced to sport a sad shag haircut that my brother lovingly refers to as the Joyce DeWitt:

Anyway, as the movie progresses, there are more freaky phone calls, people start dying, and Bob Clark does everything in his power to make us think Peter is the killer. Really…this guy is such a red herring that he might as well be swimming in the Baltic Sea. The climactic scene in the sorority house, in which the killer chases Olivia down to the basement, it masterfully done; it is tense, believable, and the single shot of the killer’s eye is without a doubt the scariest image from a horror film I’ve ever seen:

The ending, love it or hate it, is a brave one; very few horror movies since have left things the way Black Christmas leaves them. I don’t want to give it away (which should tell you something, since we almost always give it away), but it’s a perfect, simple ending to what is essentially a perfect, simple slasher movie. Props must go to everyone involved; the music is sparse but effective, the cinematography is atmospheric and sinister, and the actors are all perfect. Olivia Hussey is totally realistic in a role that the women of the remake clearly didn’t study, and you’ll swoon over John Saxon’s stern, vaguely-swarthy sexiness (why is it that even in American movies, he always kind of seems like he's in a Giallo?). As for Keir Dullea…well, again, the guy has to wear that humiliating haircut, so we can’t really blame him for going over the top.

Anyway…this Christmas, while TBS is playing that other Bob Clark Christmas movie for the 20,000th time (and our father, Ralph Merrye, is cackling as though it’s the first time he’s seen it), we recommend you dim the lights, serve up the eggnog, and settle in with this Christmas classic. And then…when it’s over and you’re too creeped out to sleep, you can pop in the remake, which will instantly calm your fears and have you giggling like a 5-year-old opening presents. It’s a double feature like this that proves yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus.

FIVE FINGERS!

Psychotropica (2009)

2009-11-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

By JM

Writer, producer, star, and whatever else you can think of, Damien Sage has created the greatest independent movie I have seen since Russ Meyer’s Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!. Seriously.

How is it possible that a movie, that the director proudly boasts as a"no budget little film", is able to accomplish what big budget disaster A Scanner Darkly attempted but so completely failed at? While the movie has a very modern look, Psychotropica also harkens to sleazy psychedelia like Pink Floyd’s The Wall and seedy European movies like… well, just about anything by Dario Argento before the turn of the century.

So, what is this movie about? I don’t have a clue. According to the box, it has something to do with a sadistic doctor who is testing an experimental drug called “Psychtropica” on a patient, forcing this patient to “…relive painful nightmares, dreams and memories”.

Yeah, that is about what I was able to put together while watching the film. Outside of that, I am clueless. But, I think that is kind of the point.

In a lot of ways, the movie is a series of short ideas, stories, and scenes played out. In between, we see the patient and doctor conversing.

The dreams are exceptionally well done. These scenes are digitally animated, so that actors are pulled from their surroundings and placed in spaces that could only exist in the imagination. The scenes are often violent, sometimes disturbing, and always entertaining.

The score to the movie was done by the cleverly named industrial outfit Rip/Torn. The music fits the movie perfectly and reminds my of Downward Spiral era Nine Inch Nails. One particular scene, about a half hour into the movie has “the patient” chasing his brother through a wooded area. I actually found myself momentarily lost in the riff being hammered out by Rip/Torn, and a single guitar chord in played repeatedly and another guitar echoes through. That second guitar does not always line up with the beat as it echoes, really creating a wonderful dissonance that fits the scene entirely. It is definitely a rare thing for me to be so thoroughly entranced by a movie’s music.

And, as if that scene weren't cool enough, the patient actually references the song “She’s a Maniac” from the movie Flashdance during his dialogue with the doctor!

Okay. If what I have described hasn’t sold you on this movie yet, let me tell you this: One of the actresses in the movie is listed on the box as “Tiffany Titmouse”. And she has a nude scene.

Truth be told, I was a little leery of watching and reviewing this movie. Independent movies are always gamble. I remember one regrettable showing of an Irish horror/karate movie that Ralph Merrye and I sat through about a year ago. So, when I was informed that this was a “no budget” film, I really did not have high hopes.

Good God, though, am I relieved to say that this is great fun.

We Tower Farm boys have always rated our movies strictly on entertainment value. So, using this criteria, I have no problem giving Psychotropica

Five fingers!

By the way, the trailer for this flick can be seen at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOaQcmPqbxY

And, according to the filmmaker’s website (http://www.staticomegafpl.com/psychotropica), “…Psychotropica is now available for purchase through Createspace.com. The list price is $20. We need to sell around 5,000 copies to raise enough money to fund our next two projects which are already in the works. If you buy a copy let me know and we'll put a special thanks to you in our next film!”

Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

2009-11-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Rarely has a movie in recent memory been met with such anticipation at Tower Farm as Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. The Wrong Turn franchise, after all, is one of our favorites. Part one was a genuinely good movie; the gore effects were perfectly done, the script was strong and suspenseful, and it featured one of the best young casts in a horror movie ever. Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, on the other hand, boasts one of the most insane scripts in horror history, assembles a bizarre cast including “American Idol” singer Kimberly Caldwell, Henry Rollins, and Erica Leerhson, and features mutants having sex and family dinners. Of course, we like this one much better.

Part three, then, has a lot to live up to. And director Declan O’Brien seems to sense this, and so he throws in gratuitous blood and nudity right off the bat. Well, Declan, we at Tower Farm see right through your little ruse of distracting us with giant boobs and eyeballs popping out. And sir…we thank you.

In this opening scene, four “college kids” (who appear to be pushing 30 at best) take a break from rafting down a river to -- what else? -- camp out and smoke out. As the scene progresses, something strange happens: their voices begin to change. At first I thought maybe this was just a problem with my TV…or maybe my ears…but then I suddenly realized it. These aren’t really American kids – they’re British! Yep – just about everyone in this movie is British. For some reason, filmmakers setting a movie in West Virginia decided to populate it with actors from across the pond. Thus, the strange outcome is that half of them try to hide their accents, and half of them don’t even bother. And for those who try to sound authentically American…well, let’s just say Meryl Streep has nothing to worry about. The topless girl in the opening, for example, goes from uttering “We’re in the middle of the woods…who’s gonna notice?” with the perfect California-sex voice of Paris Hilton to declaring “Alex thinks I’m a slut…do you think I’m a slut?” with all the Cockney ridiculousness of Eliza Doolittle. And this is within the span of 45 seconds! Thankfully, she only gets about five lines of dialogue before an arrow is shot through her boob, and then another one pierces her eyeball like a shish-kabob. So, we’re off to a very strong start.

The archer, of course, is Three Finger, who has only gotten more creative with his traps this time around. One of the…ahem…college kids, for example, ends up stepping into an intricate contraption that cuts him into three slices. Remember when Kim Caldwell was cut in half in part two? It’s like that…except done with a staggeringly sloppy CGI effect that makes it look like there’s a glitch in your DVD.

Next we end up at a nearby West Virginia prison. Here we meet all the tough inmates, covered in fake tattoos and spouting off absurdly racist dialogue like, “You fight one bean, you fight the whole burrito, huh?” And again, there’s a strangely high percentage of British inmates and officers. Chavez – a Hispanic prisoner planning a prison break – sounds kinda like Anthony Hopkins playing the villain in a Merchant-Ivory production. And then there’s the Nazi skinhead who completely bungles the line “Normally I’d slit your throat for less” into “No-mally, Oy’d slit ya throat fa less.” By the end of the scene, you’ll be howling with laughter and sure that you’ve just seen a British sketch comedy troupe doing a parody of “Oz.”

Our hero this time around is Tom Frederic as Nate, one of the prison guards who is given the task of transporting an amazingly annoying gang of prisoners through the woods in the middle of the night. At first, Frederic seems to just mumble his lines and appears totally confused by his character. Then – you guessed it! – I realized he’s yet another poor British guy just trying to hide his accent. This prison transfer, by the way, is enormously entertaining due to the fact that we get the 2009 version of the old rear-screen projection trick – a backwoods road computer-inserted behind the windshield. What makes this even better is that in the three separate shots of the windshield – the image NEVER changes! See for yourself – and marvel at the fact that this bus is apparently traveling at 0.2 miles per hour:

Anyway, before long the bus gets run off the road by Three Finger, and our vacationing Brits are on the run through the backwoods of West Virginia. What’s interesting here is that the prisoners end up with all the guns – but for some reason let the guards live and even force them to tag along. Umm, come on guys – you’ve just been handed the most convenient escape a prisoner could dream of! Not only can you shoot the guards and run – but the crazy mutant killer would probably end up being blamed for it! And then the surviving camper from the beginning, Alex, crosses paths with the group – and while the prisoners repeatedly discuss having sex with and killing the girl, they end up just letting her tag along, too. God…what kind of convicts are these?

Unfortunately, the next 50 minutes or so play out like one extended episode of “Prison Break” – with all kinds of internal strife coming up between the inmates, along with a useless subplot involving bags of money that they find along the way. When Three Finger and his random teen-aged son (where did this mutant kid come from, by the way?) finally do pop up again, the special effects drop to a level so cheap they’re the visual equivalent of a Big Lots. In one case, a guy’s face is literally Photoshopped off the screen:

Finally, we get a climactic showdown between Three Finger and Chavez, a fight scene that is as tedious as it is clunky, and one in which the viewer gets the rare opportunity to side whole-heartedly with the mutant villain, considering Chavez has been such a jerky a-hole through the entire movie. Thankfully for us, the posh-sounding Hispanic gang lord ends up with the top of his skull being peeled back like the lid of a jar, and Three Finger eats what appears to be a brain made of Jell-O.

The final chase sequence, though, is the pièce de résistance – a special effects frenzy that must be seen to be believed. After over an hour of being subjected to every sloppy effect under the sun, we get an entire action sequence that appears to be shot in front of the green screen – and let me just say, there are small-market television stations whose weathermen look more natural in front of a keywall. Three Finger – a la Pirates of the Caribbean – uses a hook to hoist himself atop his moving tow truck, and then proceeds to ride a long in the back while Nate and Alex veer the vehicle all over the road. Again – this seems to be done almost entirely inside a studio, which means that as the tow truck speeds through the forest, the wheels don’t actually appear to be spinning on anything!

Really, I’m telling you…this scene is totally worth the price of admission.

So, look, I’m not gonna kid you. For me, Wrong Turn 2 is still the jewel in this franchise’s crown. The whole reality-show-gone-wrong premise provided the perfect framework for a direct-to-DVD cheap horror movie which almost seemed to revel in its cheapness. Maybe that’s the issue here – part three is nowhere near as competent as the first one, and not quite as incompetent and crazy as the second. It just kind of falls in the middle…which is OK, and appropriately worth:

THREE FINGERS!

Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)

2009-11-16T17:37:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Now that I’ve watched both Strip Nude for Your Killer and Delirium: Photo of Gioia, I think I’m pretty much an expert on the Italian fashion industry. Here's what I’ve learned:

1) To be a supermodel, one’s chest must be so expansive that it requires custom-made undergarments.
2) To be a supermodel, it’s imperative that one sleep with one’s photographer, or at least have a lesbian fling with one’s agent.
3) There isn’t actually any fashion involved in the fashion industry, as all photo shoots are done in the nude.

Additionally, in Italy, this apparently constitutes a fashion shot:

This is quite different from the American fashion industry. I’m an expert on that, as well, thanks to endless day-long marathons of “America’s Next Top Model” on Oxygen. In America, being a model includes:

1) Learning to “smile with your eyes”…
2) Learning to “tooch your booty”…
3) Repeatedly saying the word “fierce” while wagging your finger in front of your face.

And in America, this apparently constitutes a fashion shot:

Now, I ask you: which country’s fashion show would you rather sit through?

Anyway, Strip Nude for Your Killer is not a great movie, but it is proof-positive that 1970s Italy is just way cooler than present-day America. The Italian just always got it right. For example, in a splendid example of classy movie-making – the movie opens with a bizarre scene in which a doctor who appears to be wearing a Halloween wig digs in between a woman’s legs with a metal shoehorn. Yikes. The back of the box says something about a botched abortion; I’ll just assume this is it, though I have no other evidence to back that up.

Suddenly we get an awesome credits sequence, set to a funky jazz score, in which we’re given the movie’s Italian title: Nude X l’Assassino. Wow…once again, score one for the Italians.

Anyway, from what I could tell while watching this movie on fast-forward, the bulk of it centers on a sleazy photographer who manages to sleep with pretty much every woman he comes into contact with. Seriously…within the first five minutes of the movie, the photographer – clad in a humiliatingly sleazy Speedo – chases after a woman, snaps some pictures of her butt, then convinces her to have sex with him in a public sauna. This is apparently commonplace in 1970s Italy, as we get further examples of young models hooking up with crusty, swarthy men…like this:

Between the sex/random nudity scenes – one of which includes our photographer doing a naked headstand for no apparent reason – people get killed by someone in a motorcycle outfit. It’s actually more like Halle Berry’s Catwoman suit with a helmet, but I think we’re to assume a motorcycle is involved. Speaking of Halle Berry, take a look at this sexpot:

Anyway, let’s just skip ahead to the unmasking of the killer. So…it turns out to be some blonde woman, who looks an awful lot like the other blonde women in the movie, so I’m not quite sure who she is. It might even be the woman in the picture above...I couldn't tell. From what I can surmise from the shoddy 30-second explanation given at the end (which, by the way, happens as a woman undresses for the camera, readying to have sex with the photographer), the model who died while having an abortion was having a lesbian affair with the blonde killer, who was so upset that the model was pregnant that she went on a killing spree while dressed in motorcycle gear.

Ladies and gentlemen…we have a winner for Most Eurotrashy Premise For A Slasher Ever.

Oh, by the way…remember how every 1980s sitcom ended with that final punchline which was supposed to have the audience laughing one last time, and always culminated in an awkward freeze frame over which the credits rolled? My recollections are that "Growing Pains" was a master of this. Anyway…it turns out that Strip Nude for Your Killer was pulling this trick back in 1975…except here the joke revolves around the photographer trying to have anal sex with his girlfriend and it doesn’t result in a laugh so much as an uncomfortable silence. Love the freeze frame, though:

So…well…I’m not sure how to rate this movie. I’m not really a fan of Giallo movies, but I am a huge fan of these crazy fashion industry slashers. So, in the words of Tyra, I’ll just say that while overall the movie is a nice beauty shot, there just wasn’t quite enough intensity in the eyes.

THREE FIERCE WAGGING FINGERS!!!!!!

Cyborg 2 (1993)

2009-11-13T13:43:00.001-08:00

By JM

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Sequels are always better than the originals. This is what Tower Farm is all about and Cyborg 2 is further proof.

Let’s face it, unlike Steven Seagal, who has never put out a movie I did not like… okay, love… Jean-Claude Van Damme movies are never a sure thing. For every Bloodsport, there is a Knock Off. Honestly, with Van Damme movies, it is about 50/50 whether or not it is going to be awesome (again, I want to make it clear that with Steven Seagal, there is a 100% chance that the movie will be awesome).

The original Cyborg is not one of his best movies. It is surprisingly boring, in fact. Which is something of an achievement given that the movie is about karate-kicking machine-men. So, while I appreciate the insanity of naming the hero in the movie Gibson Rickenbacker, I only wish there had been a Jackson Fender or a Samick Ibanez for Van Damme to fight against.

Unsurprisingly, though, despite its flaws, the first movie was pretty successful. In a world before Terminator 2, the public was hungry for robot-men fighting each other. And, let’s face it, Robocop did not go a long way toward satiating that craving.

So, four years after Cyborg hit theaters, we got Cyborg 2… and its absolutely terrible tagline, “Future Beware: The Soul Is In The Software”. Oh well, at least it rhymes. Sort of.

Now here comes the incredibly strange, and perfectly wonderful, part: In the absence of Van Damme, the main cyborg is played by… are you sitting down?... Angelina Jolie. Yes, in one of her very early roles (and well before anyone had any idea who she was) Angelina Jolie took the part of Cash Reese, the cyborg heroine of the film.

Like many movies of the era, Cyborg 2 takes place in a future where humans are at war with machines. Right off the bat, though, Cyborg 2 sets itself apart from similar films by opening the movie with a Star Wars-esque written explanation of things read by… are you still sitting?... Jack Palance!

Yep, Jack Palance plays a fairly pivotal role in this movie as Cash’s secretive advisor, Mercy. He actually delivers the line, “If you want to dine with the Devil, you’ll need a long spoon” before he opens fire on some soldiers. What?!

Oh God, and he is a cyborg, too.

This movie is just completely crazy.

The joys don’t stop with the two casting decisions already mentioned, either.

Billy Drago, who Tower Farm readers will surely recognize from such films as Vamp, Tremors 4, and Demon Hunter, not to mention his work on the show The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. plays the astonishingly gross character of Danny Bench in this movie.

Also, we have Elias Koteas as Colt Ricks (or Colton Hicks as he is named on the back of the DVD). While Elias Koteas is certainly not as recognizable a name as his costars, he has pretty much been on every TV show and every movie ever made, as near as I can tell. In this particular movie, his character teams up with Cash Reese (yes, the two main charaters are Cash and Colt) and serves as something of a protector to her.

As Colt, Elias Koteas come across as something of a cross between Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver and Law and Order: SVU’s Detective Stabler. Maybe he is the missing link between the two characters, much as the Creature from the Black Lagoon is the missing link that connects fish to man.

Also, in a very small and thankless role, we get Robert Dryer as Pinwheel Exec. #2. He may not be a star to much of the world, but here at Tower Farm, he has earned a spot in our Hall of Fame (still under construction). You see, Robert Dryer played Jake in Savage Streets—the gang leader who terrorized Linda Blair! The guy only has about two lines in this movie, and I am sure I would have never recognized him has I not been watching the extras for Savage Streets. But, sure enough, he is in this movie.

What a friggin’ cast!

Cyborg 2 also includes what may be the greatest movie character of all time, Raven Chen. Chen is another cyborg out for Cash. Now, I am not kidding here, when she is fighting Cash and Colt (does every charater’s name start with a “C”?) she actually yells, “hi-yah!” after one of her kicks… just like Miss Piggy!

So, the movie follows the… ehem… plot of well, I am not entirely clear on what is going on here. Cash Reese and Colt Ricks/Hicks escape a cyborg manufacturing company (that, I guess, is making karate fighting cyborg prositutes). They are helped by Mercy (whose mouth continually pops up on TV sets and gives them advise) and they are hunted by Danny Bench who is employed by the cyborg manufacturers to get Cash back. Oh, and there is some danger that Cash might explode.

Did I mention that this movie is crazy?

While looking up information on this movie, I found out that Director Michael Schroeder followed this movie in 1994 with Cyborg 3: The Recycler, starring Malcolm McDowell, William Katt, and some lady named Khrystyne Haje who takes on the role of Cash Reese. How is it possible that I never knew this movie existed??!! Oh well, given how much I have always enjoyed the madness of Cyborg 2, I suppose I have no choice but to hunt it down.

Cyborg 2 will always be linked in my mind to other mid-1990s Cinemax classics like Return of the Living Dead 3 and The Monster Squad. So, perhaps part of the rating I am going to give it comes from the warm memories I have of my brother and I watching these movies over and over again on weekend nights. Regardless, Cyborg 2 merits…

4 fingers!

Sweet Sixteen (1983)

2009-11-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By: Billy

Oh God, I love this movie. Including the best/worst theme song in history, and showcasing one of the greatest meltdowns by a once-respected actress ever, it is a pure delight. Somehow I missed out on this gem for way too long, only having recently received it in the mail. PLEASE don’t make the same mistake.

Let me start by saying there are two versions of this film that are available in DVD – the Director’s Cut and the Original Theatrical Version. I’m actually going to review the Original Theatrical Version, for no other reason than it begins with this title frame, which let’s face it, is wonderful:

It also includes an insane opening in which Dana Kimmell (one of Tower Farm’s favorite leading ladies, having come to our attention in Friday the 13th: 3-D) sits in a church (or some place with stained glass windows and candles) during a thunderstorm reading a book called “Murder Mystery.” She then opens a door and sees a zombie. Let me just be clear here that this is NOT a zombie movie. It’s actually not a supernatural movie at all. Why is this opening included? I have no idea. It is mysteriously missing from the Director’s Cut, so I’m guessing someone else decided it would be a good idea. By the way, Dana Kimmell looks a good two or three years older in this bizarre sequence than she does in the rest of the movie – complete with a totally different hairstyle – so that’s wonderful.

Anyway, suddenly we’re on to the real movie, which takes place in some kind of hillbilly desert town near a Native American reservation. One of the Native Americans is played by Henry Wilcoxon, who was in the 1932 version of Cleopatra that I spent the better part of my childhood being obsessed with. Yes…the guy who played Roman Marc Antony in the 1930s is now playing an old Indian in the 1980s. This, as are many things we mention on Tower Farm, is clear proof that my brother and I create the world.

Next we meet Melissa, played by Aleisa Shirley, who is the new girl in town and wants nothing more than to do drugs and have sex. Melissa kind of looks like a pissed off Valerie Bertinelli, and utters what is possibly the greatest pickup line in the history of film: “You guys ever play with girls…or just yourselves?” It actually works on some poor schmuck, and soon they end up in the back of his pickup truck in the middle of the desert, with her head between his legs. Wow. And when the guy finally drops Melissa back at home, we find out she’s supposed to fifteen, although it’s clear that Aleisa Shirley is at least twenty. Let me just say that Melissa is now officially my favorite slasher movie character ever.

Anyway, the idiot who just got the blowjob from a fifteen-year-old is killed soon thereafter, once his car runs out of gas…and again, it’s in the middle of the desert. I’m not really sure how the killer knew the guy’s car would run out of gas in this particular secluded spot, but it sure it convenient.

Soon the town’s Sheriff is on the case, played by the awesome Bo Hopkins. If ever an actor looked like the Sheriff of a small, hillbilly town in the desert, it’s Bo Hopkins (look him up on IMDb and marvel at the number of times "Sheriff" shows up in the list of characters he's played). What Mr. Hopkins does NOT look like, however, is anything resembling a Native American. However, we later learn that he’s half-Native American. I would say this is about as realistic as Donna D’Errico being the descendant of Tony Todd in Candyman 3. Or Shannon Doerty and Jason Priestly being twins.

Aside from Hopkins, with who I’m now totally obsessed, the cast here is stellar. We’ve got Don “Michael Myers” Shanks as Jason Longshadow, a red-herring Native American character. We’ve also got the wonderful Susan Strasberg as Melissa’s mother. Susan had an incredible career, stretching from major Broadway success in The Diary of Anne Frank to starring in perhaps the most confounding movie ever made, The Manitou, in which she gave birth to a troll or something out of her neck. You all know there’s nothing Tower Farm loves more than a once-respected actress who ends up in low-budget horror, and I’m voting to immediately induct Susan into our Sleazy Women Hall of Fame. Her performance in this movie is not to be missed.

Meanwhile, Sweet Sixteen is a real showcase for Dana Kimmell, who – again – suddenly
looks several years younger than she did in the zombie opening. Dana plays the Sheriff’s daughter, who is an amateur sleuth and spends the movie trying to figure out who the killer is. Basically, she’s playing Nancy Drew, except with a Flock of Seagulls-inspired hairdo:

But the star of this movie, plain and simple, is Aleisa Shirley as Melissa. Hell, she even gets her own theme song. The composition “Melissa” must be heard to be believed. The piano-driven ballad, which includes the incomprehensible lyrics “Melissa…what are you thinking, sweet Melissa? Are you with her still, Melissa? You look so far away…” is kind of like the “Theme From Mahogany” being sung in a karaoke bar by a drunk guy who doesn’t know the words. By the way, as the theme song blares over the soundtrack, this is the shot we get of the character; if this is not a long lost Jordache Jeans ad, then I’m out a hundred bucks:

As soon as the song mercilessly ends, we get another awesome Melissa seduction scene, in which she humiliates the captain of the football team for calling pot “herb” and agrees to meet him near some dumpsters behind a bar so they can do “a little of everything.” God, can I say again how much I love Melissa? This seduction scene, by the way, is so loosely edited that there are long pauses before each line of dialogue, which in turn makes the characters look like they have some sort of mental problem.

Of course, the dumb jock ends up being knifed. Now, this is the second kid that’s been killed just after being with Melissa. But rather than focus on her, the entire town turns against the Native Americans.

Next up we find ourselves at a funeral for the two dead kids. Yes, you got that right…the town is doing a double funeral! At the funeral, we finally get the tense confrontation between Melissa and Dana Kimmell, with Dana pretty much accusing the girl of murder…and then it inexplicably ends in the two of them becoming best friends! I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but seriously…within about 45 seconds, Dana goes from calling Melissa a “stupid little bitch” to Melissa calling Dana’s character, Marcie, “Marce” as if they've known each other for years.

Things hurtle toward a climax at Melissa’s sweet sixteenth birthday party. Even though Melissa’s the new girl in town, and up until now nobody seems to know her, the entire town turns out for the big bash. Mind you, this is the same town that just held a double funeral for two unrelated kids, so they’re clearly a confused bunch. My favorite thing about the party, by the way, is this girl carrying the cake, who can’t contain her excitement at being on camera:

Melissa ends up taking a moonlight swim – nude, of course – and before you know it, her mother has a crazy meltdown and kills some people. Yes, our gal Susan Strasberg is the knife-wielding villain here, and she’s awesome. Susan gets a chance to let loose with dialogue including, “Ssssh! Here’s coming! We have to hide! NO! DADDY DON’T!!!” There’s no real explanation given here, but I guess we should assume Daddy did some very not-nice things to Susan as a little girl. There’s also some talk about Susan and her sister trading places or something…but, I’m pretty sure nobody in the cast actually knew what was going on.

Anyway, the real ending to the movie comes with the swelling of my favorite song, “Melissa,” and a freeze frame of Melissa staring crazily into the camera and holding a knife. So I guess Melissa’s crazy too, now, just like her mom. Maybe. Or maybe nobody quite knew how to end this thing and that just seemed like a good idea at the time. What matters is that we get to hear “Melissa” again. And then it starts all over again as the credits roll. Is this soundtrack available somewhere? If so I need it immediately.

Well…it should be pretty obvious that I loved this movie. Like Pieces before it, I expected absolutely nothing and came away with a new appreciation for slasher movies. This movie is the kind of wonderful mess that we live for here at Tower Farm, and therefore it’s well-deserving of…

FIVE FINGERS!