Blood Gnome (2004)

by JM

The back of the box features praise for the movie by Stuart Gordon.  The front of the box features the tagline, “This is one sexy horrific ride”.  It credits “Special Guest Stars Julie Strain and the Porcelain Twinz” (I have long been a Julie Strain fan --the abhorrent Delta Delta Die being a personal favorite.  I am also happy to report that the “Special Guest Stars” Porcelain Twins have not made a movie since this one).  Needless to say, I could not believe what I was looking at when I picked up the box for this flick at Movie Stop this afternoon.

Caressing the DVD box as kid might a wrapped present on Christmas Eve, I was simply giddy with excitement over what wonders awaited me.

This movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes.  There is not a whole lot more that you need to know.  But, if you are interested, read on.

I gotta tell ya, you know you are in for a treat when a DVD… which offers no previews… starts like this:

 I mean it.  No previews and it tells the viewer that they are watching the “FEATURE PRESENTATION”!  Farmhands know that we love laziness and stupidity.  This move really delivers on both counts.

The movie follows the story of a crime scene photographer, who has recently lost his wife.  She was murdered.  But, don’t worry, that is not important.  In fact, there seems to be no reason at all to give this guy any back story.  Weird that the writer did.

Anyway, while taking pictures at a crime scene, he runs into a woman that knew the victims.  And, so you have our attractive two main characters:

Through his fancy camera, our hero figures out that little gnomes (invisible to the naked eye) are running around killing men and women participating in BDSM . This is lucky news to the viewers of this movie for two reasons.  Firstly, the BDSM angle allows for ample female (sorry Billy) nudity.  Secondly, the gnomes are wonderful, looking like the best Boglins ever.

Speaking of BDSM, according to Wikipedia, this is "...a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release".  That definition pretty much jives with what I have gleened from watching episodes of CSI.  I wonder, though, if the writer of this movie had any idea what BDSM is.  Because, according to this film this practice looks like:

Anyway, eventually our photographer becomes the de facto lead detective on the case, with his new girlfriend in tow.  Nothing about this makes any sense to me.  But, perhaps this is normal procedure in cases when the real detectives hit a dead end.  Who knows?

Thankfully, though, the actually police return to the movie after awhile.  This allows one of the detectives to utter my favorite line in the movie: “…our killer has a bloodlust”.  The expression no shit, Sherlock sure seems fitting at this point.

Speaking of ample nudity.  Julie Strain (and the Porcelain Twinz) appears toward the end of the movie.  She has no lines and pretty much walks around a club naked.  This is as it should be.

Like I said, this movie is loaded with topless women and gnomes. 

Four Fingers!