Witchboard (1986)

Reviewed By: Billy

There is a performance in Witchboard that is so surprising, so multi-faceted, and so spellbinding that it should go down in history as one of the best ever in horror films.  Early in the movie, the character appears to be controlled and tightly-wound; but watch closely, and you’ll see that at any moment, things are going to unravel.  As the film trudges on, the performance becomes wilder and wilder, bigger beyond belief, until you can’t keep your eyes off of anything else on the screen.

Ladies and gentlemen…for your consideration as the most overlooked horror performance in history: Tawny Kitaen’s hair.

When the most compelling element of a movie is sitting atop the leading lady’s head, you know you’ve got a winner on your hands.  And, my friends, Witchboard is a winner in a BIG way.  From sets that look like they were constructed in someone’s garage to a plot that literally revolves around a piece of cardboard, this movie should be required viewing for any film student itching to make a scary movie.  With almost nothing to work with, director Kevin Tenney somehow gets everything right, and turns out a horror movie that is not only hysterical to watch, but actually manages some brilliant jump-scares in the process.  Will you love this movie?  All signs point to…

So…the plot.  Well, Tawny Kitaen and her wild hair are living with Todd Allen and his equally-mesmerizing unmovable face, and there’s this Ouija Board, and…okay, well, the plot’s kind of involved and requires too much typing to summarize.  Suffice it to say that Tawny becomes obsessed and then possessed by an evil spirit.  Oh, and there’s a love-triangle that’s kind of important, between Tawny, Todd, and soap star Stephen Nichols, sporting a pretty impressive blonde "business-mullet" himself. 

Of course, we don’t care about the plot here. We are about the scares. And this is where Witchboard comes off as a masterpiece. Here’s a little anecdote to prove my point: imagine…a cold Indiana night, JM and Billy sitting on the living room floor and their parents laying on the couch. JM and Billy finally convinced their parents to rent Witchboard from DJ Video – the best VHS rental store in history – and now the family is watching it. Hey – don’t judge – this is the family that watched The Exorcist while eating dinner on TV trays. Anyway, JM and Billy have a very grumpy father who can’t lay on the couch in front of a movie without dozing off about five minutes after it starts. But every three minutes in Witchboard, there’s a jump-scare. You know…

(BANG!) A hatchet suddenly flies by the screen…

(BANG!) A phone suddenly rings…

(BANG!) An Ouija Board suddenly explodes into the air…

Some might call them “cheap” scares…but nothing’s too cheap here at Tower Farm. So, Witchboard’s jump-scares are so effective that JM, Billy, and their mother are literally levitating off the floor every three minutes until Dad, his nap interrupted, yells out, “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???” and storms out of the room. It is a classic moment in Tower Farm history, and forever endeared Witchboard to our hearts.

Of course…with the great comes the not-so-great, and to that end you have to sit through Kathleen Wilhoite’s performance as the valley-girl psychic.  But, you can’t help but fall in love with everyone else on the screen – especially tobacoo-stained, whisky-voiced Rose Marie, in a thankless role as the landlady. 

Like the Hasbro toy it’s based around, now available at a Toys ‘R Us near you, this movie is just way too fun to not like.  In fact, it’s damned near perfect…which is what makes Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway all the more incredible…it’s actually better.  So make it a double feature…and when you’re screaming out “WHAT IS THIS S&*%???”…don’t say you weren’t warned!

FOUR-AND-A-HALF FINGERS!