Sweet Sixteen (1983)

Reviewed By: Billy

Oh God, I love this movie. Including the best/worst theme song in history, and showcasing one of the greatest meltdowns by a once-respected actress ever, it is a pure delight. Somehow I missed out on this gem for way too long, only having recently received it in the mail. PLEASE don’t make the same mistake.

Let me start by saying there are two versions of this film that are available in DVD – the Director’s Cut and the Original Theatrical Version. I’m actually going to review the Original Theatrical Version, for no other reason than it begins with this title frame, which let’s face it, is wonderful:

It also includes an insane opening in which Dana Kimmell (one of Tower Farm’s favorite leading ladies, having come to our attention in Friday the 13th: 3-D) sits in a church (or some place with stained glass windows and candles) during a thunderstorm reading a book called “Murder Mystery.” She then opens a door and sees a zombie. Let me just be clear here that this is NOT a zombie movie. It’s actually not a supernatural movie at all. Why is this opening included? I have no idea. It is mysteriously missing from the Director’s Cut, so I’m guessing someone else decided it would be a good idea. By the way, Dana Kimmell looks a good two or three years older in this bizarre sequence than she does in the rest of the movie – complete with a totally different hairstyle – so that’s wonderful.

Anyway, suddenly we’re on to the real movie, which takes place in some kind of hillbilly desert town near a Native American reservation. One of the Native Americans is played by Henry Wilcoxon, who was in the 1932 version of Cleopatra that I spent the better part of my childhood being obsessed with. Yes…the guy who played Roman Marc Antony in the 1930s is now playing an old Indian in the 1980s. This, as are many things we mention on Tower Farm, is clear proof that my brother and I create the world.

Next we meet Melissa, played by Aleisa Shirley, who is the new girl in town and wants nothing more than to do drugs and have sex. Melissa kind of looks like a pissed off Valerie Bertinelli, and utters what is possibly the greatest pickup line in the history of film: “You guys ever play with girls…or just yourselves?” It actually works on some poor schmuck, and soon they end up in the back of his pickup truck in the middle of the desert, with her head between his legs. Wow. And when the guy finally drops Melissa back at home, we find out she’s supposed to fifteen, although it’s clear that Aleisa Shirley is at least twenty. Let me just say that Melissa is now officially my favorite slasher movie character ever.

Anyway, the idiot who just got the blowjob from a fifteen-year-old is killed soon thereafter, once his car runs out of gas…and again, it’s in the middle of the desert. I’m not really sure how the killer knew the guy’s car would run out of gas in this particular secluded spot, but it sure it convenient.

Soon the town’s Sheriff is on the case, played by the awesome Bo Hopkins. If ever an actor looked like the Sheriff of a small, hillbilly town in the desert, it’s Bo Hopkins (look him up on IMDb and marvel at the number of times "Sheriff" shows up in the list of characters he's played). What Mr. Hopkins does NOT look like, however, is anything resembling a Native American. However, we later learn that he’s half-Native American. I would say this is about as realistic as Donna D’Errico being the descendant of Tony Todd in Candyman 3. Or Shannon Doerty and Jason Priestly being twins.

Aside from Hopkins, with who I’m now totally obsessed, the cast here is stellar. We’ve got Don “Michael Myers” Shanks as Jason Longshadow, a red-herring Native American character. We’ve also got the wonderful Susan Strasberg as Melissa’s mother. Susan had an incredible career, stretching from major Broadway success in The Diary of Anne Frank to starring in perhaps the most confounding movie ever made, The Manitou, in which she gave birth to a troll or something out of her neck. You all know there’s nothing Tower Farm loves more than a once-respected actress who ends up in low-budget horror, and I’m voting to immediately induct Susan into our Sleazy Women Hall of Fame. Her performance in this movie is not to be missed.

Meanwhile, Sweet Sixteen is a real showcase for Dana Kimmell, who – again – suddenly
looks several years younger than she did in the zombie opening. Dana plays the Sheriff’s daughter, who is an amateur sleuth and spends the movie trying to figure out who the killer is. Basically, she’s playing Nancy Drew, except with a Flock of Seagulls-inspired hairdo:

But the star of this movie, plain and simple, is Aleisa Shirley as Melissa. Hell, she even gets her own theme song. The composition “Melissa” must be heard to be believed. The piano-driven ballad, which includes the incomprehensible lyrics “Melissa…what are you thinking, sweet Melissa? Are you with her still, Melissa? You look so far away…” is kind of like the “Theme From Mahogany” being sung in a karaoke bar by a drunk guy who doesn’t know the words. By the way, as the theme song blares over the soundtrack, this is the shot we get of the character; if this is not a long lost Jordache Jeans ad, then I’m out a hundred bucks:

As soon as the song mercilessly ends, we get another awesome Melissa seduction scene, in which she humiliates the captain of the football team for calling pot “herb” and agrees to meet him near some dumpsters behind a bar so they can do “a little of everything.” God, can I say again how much I love Melissa? This seduction scene, by the way, is so loosely edited that there are long pauses before each line of dialogue, which in turn makes the characters look like they have some sort of mental problem.

Of course, the dumb jock ends up being knifed. Now, this is the second kid that’s been killed just after being with Melissa. But rather than focus on her, the entire town turns against the Native Americans.

Next up we find ourselves at a funeral for the two dead kids. Yes, you got that right…the town is doing a double funeral! At the funeral, we finally get the tense confrontation between Melissa and Dana Kimmell, with Dana pretty much accusing the girl of murder…and then it inexplicably ends in the two of them becoming best friends! I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but seriously…within about 45 seconds, Dana goes from calling Melissa a “stupid little bitch” to Melissa calling Dana’s character, Marcie, “Marce” as if they've known each other for years.

Things hurtle toward a climax at Melissa’s sweet sixteenth birthday party. Even though Melissa’s the new girl in town, and up until now nobody seems to know her, the entire town turns out for the big bash. Mind you, this is the same town that just held a double funeral for two unrelated kids, so they’re clearly a confused bunch. My favorite thing about the party, by the way, is this girl carrying the cake, who can’t contain her excitement at being on camera:

Melissa ends up taking a moonlight swim – nude, of course – and before you know it, her mother has a crazy meltdown and kills some people. Yes, our gal Susan Strasberg is the knife-wielding villain here, and she’s awesome. Susan gets a chance to let loose with dialogue including, “Ssssh! Here’s coming! We have to hide! NO! DADDY DON’T!!!” There’s no real explanation given here, but I guess we should assume Daddy did some very not-nice things to Susan as a little girl. There’s also some talk about Susan and her sister trading places or something…but, I’m pretty sure nobody in the cast actually knew what was going on.

Anyway, the real ending to the movie comes with the swelling of my favorite song, “Melissa,” and a freeze frame of Melissa staring crazily into the camera and holding a knife. So I guess Melissa’s crazy too, now, just like her mom. Maybe. Or maybe nobody quite knew how to end this thing and that just seemed like a good idea at the time. What matters is that we get to hear “Melissa” again. And then it starts all over again as the credits roll. Is this soundtrack available somewhere? If so I need it immediately.

Well…it should be pretty obvious that I loved this movie. Like Pieces before it, I expected absolutely nothing and came away with a new appreciation for slasher movies. This movie is the kind of wonderful mess that we live for here at Tower Farm, and therefore it’s well-deserving of…

FIVE FINGERS!

Saw II (2005)

by JM

For the last few years, I have avoided the Saw movies. The little I knew about them from previews and commercials made them look like Seven, and, frankly, I like my movies to be a little lighter than Seven. I mean, if I wanted to think, I would read a book, you know? Give me Friday the 13^th part 6: Jason Lives any day. The deepest question anyone has when watching that movie is, why did Tommy throw Jason’s mask into his open grave?

Well, I recently found the first five Saw movies packaged together for $20 and just could not pass that up. At $4 a movie, I had to take the chance. Certainly, I would like something about one of them, right?

Well, let me tell you, from laughing out loud while Cary Elwes blubbered and sobbed in part one, to finding, with great delight, Betsy Russell (of Cheerleader Camp!!!!) pop up in part 3 (and 4, and 5), to recognizing, with more shock, Costas Mandylor (of Picket friggin’Fences!!!) hamming it up through sequel after sequel, I can honestly say I am a HUGE fan of this movie franchise.

I should have known that any franchise dedicated to cranking out a sequel each and every year would not fail.

In my opinion, the jewel of this series of movies is the first sequel, Saw II. If you need evidence as to why this movie is so great… well, just take a look:

But, I am getting ahead of myself.

In the first Saw, Danny Glover played the hardboiled detective searching for answers in the case of the Jigsaw murders. In part two, As Detective Matthews, the case-hardened investigator is played by former New Kids On The Block (or NKOTB) singer Donnie Wahlberg. Now, this may seem like a strange choice, but to anyone familiar with his fantastic work in the TV show Boomtown, it will not be totally surprising. He’s kind of like his brother Mark, but a lot more scowl-y. Count me as a fan.

Another welcome face is Dina Meyer, who, as Kerry, is one of the few carryover characters from the original movie. From 90210, to Johnny Mnemonic, to Bats, to Decoys 2, this woman’s credentials are impeccable (at least by Tower Farm standards). I have to admit, though, that I am beginning to find her remarkably wrinkle-free face to be a little disturbing.

Tobin Bell returns as Jigsaw. This time, he has taken his cue from the movie The Cube, as he inexplicably manages to kidnap a group of individuals (including Det. Matthews son, Daniel), allowing them to wake up in a room having no idea where they are or how they got there.

Among this group of hostages is the movie’s real star… Shawnee Smith’s hair.

Shawnee Smith reprises the role of Amanda from Saw… a role that was about 5 minutes long in the first movie. Talk about hitting the jackpot.

I can clearly remember being in third grade at Davis Park Elementary School in Terre Haute, Indiana. The teacher handed out a piece of paper that had a long list of directions. The first one was to read all the directions before we began. From number two on, the directions were ridiculous, instructing each of us to write and color and God only remembers what else. The final direction, however, was to ignore all of the previous instructions. So, only those in the class that read the paper all the way through and did nothing actually were successful.

I can't say that I remember Jigsaw being in that class with me. But, if that teacher had included things like putting our arms into glass boxes that would slice us up if we tried to pull our arms back out again, she would have pretty much nailed the plot of the movie.

This movie also includes one of my favorite taglines ever: "Oh Yes, There Will Be Blood". Add to this the ridiculousness of having a character in the movie actually deliver that line, and we have one hell of a great sequel.

Four Fingers!

Gothic (1986)

Reviewed By: Billy

If we were in the business of reviewing VHS box covers, then Gothic would get a solid five fingers. This was the box that haunted my childhood; something about the picture of a little troll-thing crouching on a sleeping woman’s chest just totally intrigued me every time I saw it in the video section of Marsh supermarket (sidenote: What the heck happened to grocery stores having their own little video rental corners? Those were the days…). You know you have a box cover like that, too – be it Night of the Demons, Sleepaway Camp 2, or maybe even Dolly Dearest (all Tower Farm favorites) – some image tantalized you from the shelf and made you want to keep renting horror.

Well…the bad news is I finally saw Gothic, and it’s terrible. OK…maybe that’s a little harsh. Let’s just say Gothic is like a super-boring Merchant Ivory film if Merchant and Ivory had dropped acid before filming. And honestly, I think that’s kind of the point. I mean, you don’t hire actors like Julian Sands and Natasha Richardson, cast them as famous historical writers, and then make them roll around in mud and have satanic orgies without hoping to shock a few uptight critics. Director Ken Russell has kind of made a career doing that, so it’s no surprise that Gothic is going to feature all kinds of weird set pieces and crazy-looking British people. Unfortunately, it’s also like one of those dreams where you’re running toward something but not actually moving anywhere.

Yeah, it’s exactly like that.

So…according to the back of the box, Gothic takes place in 1816, and attempts to recreate the stormy night on which Mary Shelley was inspired to write her novel Frankenstein and Dr. John Polidori to write his The Vampyre. Now, if you’ve ever seen the 1930s film classic The Bride of Frankenstein, then you know the first five minutes of Bride do the exact same thing that this movie stretches over 97 minutes. That must explain why Ken Russell and cast are forced to time-pad here with scenes of mud-covered orgies, stripping robots, and masturbating men poking themselves with nails.

Front and center in this circus of embarrassment are Sands and Richardson as Percy and Mary Shelley; I guess they both do a good job, although anyone’s performance looks good in fast-forward. But I am really a fan of both actors; I’ve loved Julian ever since I first saw Warlock, and Natasha Richardson was a very talented woman who manages to keep at least a modicum of dignity in this movie even when everyone else around her is totally losing it. Gabriel Byrne plays poet Lord Byron as a sort-of non-musical Phantom of the Opera, slinking around in ridiculous costumes and generally making everyone around him uncomfortable:

Speaking of uncomfortable…this brings us to our other two cast members, Timothy Spall and Myriam Cyr as Polidori and Claire Clairemont, respectively. Now, you gotta hand it to these two – they take hammy English acting to levels not seen since Samantha Eggar got sent to the loony bin in Curtains. Spall as Polidori comes off as an extremely effeminate Mr. Potato Head, spending a good chunk of the movie running around without pants and shoving his sweaty face into the camera while screaming out dialogue like, “Don’t laugh at me!” I, meanwhile, laughed so hard I snorted out an entire glass of milk while watching this scene:

By the way, for some reason Polidori appears to be sleeping in Linda’s Blair’s bedroom from The Exorcist:

Cyr as Clairemont is…well…bizarre. I think at some point she gets possessed or something, because she ends up running around naked, doing lots of creepy giggling, swinging on a gate door, and revealing that her nipples are actually eyes. This last little bit – with the wide boob eyes staring sweetly into the camera – is enough to turn any straight man gay for fear of ever meeting a woman who boasts the same feature:

Speaking of gay, Julian Sands and Gabriel Byrne spend a good portion of the movie holding hands and share a passionate makeout session at one point, none of which seems to have anything to do with the plot. For the lady-loving viewers, we get the aforementioned boob-eyes and this strange robot-thing that strips on command…again, none of which seem to have anything to do with the plot:

If you can bear to stop fast forwarding for a moment, you’ll come across confounding exchanges of dialogue that rival Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction in their incomprehensibility. For example:

PERCY: For God’s sake, Mary, we can do it! What we created with our minds, we can destroy!
MARY: Yes, like God we have created. And perhaps God, like us, wants to destroy his creatures before they destroy their creator.
PERCY: Well, God is already dead!
MARY: But haven’t we raised the dead?

Huh? Oh, well…who cares what they’re talking about? The fact of the matter is that this movie’s biggest asset is that it comes like a pretty box. So can you judge a movie by its cover? Definitely not in this case. But you can blow the cover up into a nice wall poster and sell the actual tape at a garage sale.

ONE FINGER for the movie, FIVE for the box!

Screamfest

By: Billy & JM

Christmas may not come until December...but for Tower Farm, the gifts came early this year. This past weekend, we (along with our father, who occasionally comments on this site as "Ralph Merrye") were able to attend Screamfest in Orlando, FL. We have been attending this horror convention since 2007. As always, this year was an exceptionally good time...with a mix of horror icons, writers, and lots of fans.

Friday night, we've found, is always the best time to get in and meet the horror movie stars who wait to sign autographs and take pics with ridiculously starstruck people like us.

Billy: A highlight for me was talking to Adrienne Barbeau. Of course you'll know her from movies like Swamp Thing, The Fog, and Creepshow. She turned out to be really sweet and looked fantastic, and was nice enough to let me snap a pic of us together. By the way, she mentioned she was just on one of the latest episodes of "Dexter" which I'm looking forward to watching.

JM: As in 2007, Dannielle Harris was in attendance. I have been a huge fan of her work since Halloween 4. How could anyone not be a fan of someone who has been in four Halloween movies to date?... playing two different characters! There was also a screening of a new movie featuring Miss Harris called The Black Waters of Echo's Pond -- which, unfortunately, we missed because we're old and needed to get some sleep.
Billy: Meeting Chris Sarandon was really cool. I have been into this guy since I first saw Fright Night, and of course he's awesome in pretty much every other movie he's made. He was seated across from Alex Vincent, the kid from the original Child's Play...so I can only imagine how interesting it was for these guys to be reunited so many years later at a horror con!
JM: Cerina Vincent of Cabin Fever and Not Another Teen Movie was nice enough to take a quick picture with me. She was also promoting the two books she's written, and looked beautiful as always. My personal highlight, though, was meeting Joey Belladonna. As the former lead singer of Anthrax, I have been listening to this guy since I was about 11 years old. I am sure in my excitement I came across as nearly incoherent. But, so what? Getting to talk to Joey Belladonna was awesome!

Note from Billy: I have seen my brother excited about things before...but seriously...seeing him meet Joey Belladonna was like seeing someone being reunited with their long-lost mother. It was wonderful and bizarre all at the same time, and my brother's giddy reaction was by the far my favorite thing about Screamfest this year! I also have to say that Mr. Belladonna was incredibly nice and seemed genuinely happy to talk with fans like my brother, so I have definite respect for this man now (despite having seen Pledge Night, which he couldn't believe we mentioned!).

We also met several other people with whom we didn't take pictures; among them were Shannen Doherty (who was extremely nice), Tippi Hedren (looking great), and the makers of the aforementioned The Black Waters of Echo's Pond, who were cool enough to sign some posters for us.

Of course the dealer room was fantastic. We all spent a lot of time going through bootlegs and memorabilia. And on Saturday, the three of us were lucky enough to attend a Q&A with the one and only Sara Karloff, daughter of Boris Karloff. Ms. Karloff seemed like a really nice woman and had a lot of interesting stories about growing up with "Frankenstein's Monster." She also talked a little bit about the working relationship between her dad and Bela Lugosi, about which there's been a lot of gossip over the years. After this, we sat through a screening of The Bride of Frankenstein. Watching it projected onto a huge screen was definitely a highlight of the day.

FIVE FINGERS FOR SCREAMFEST '09!!!

Paranormal Activity (2009)

Reviewed By: Billy & JM

On the way home from seeing the much-hyped new release Paranormal Activity, we decided to try to come up with some alternate titles that we felt better fit the movie. Here's what we came up with:

1) Blair Witch For Dummies

2) Witch-Bored

3) Chicken In The Attic

4) Normal Inactivity

As you might guess from these titles...this is the creepiest movie ever made. Oops...we mean crappiest.

Billy: Look, people...this movie is terrible. Halfway through, JM had to get up and take a walk around the theatre lobby because the hand-held camera was so sea-sickness inducing. I, meanwhile, fell asleep somewhere around the part where the two main characters were arguing, which pretty much happened every five minutes. This, sadly, left our friend Richie to shoulder the burden of this atrocity, and he's never talking to us again.

JM: Richie is actually the one that came up with Blair Witch For Dummies, and you know, he is 100% correct. This is the exact same movie. It even pretty much has the same ending. The big difference is, of course, the characters in The Blair Witch Project were lost in the woods. The reason we only get one location (the couple's house) here is that one dipshit psychic said to the haunted couple that it would not help them to leave... the demon, or ghost chicken, is attached to the female lead. So, I guess, they decided at that point to not worry about groceries or anything else and just "hunker down".

Billy: Now, wait a minute. Let's not minimize the importance of the psychic character.

JM: You mean character 3 out of 4?

Billy: Yes. The scene in which he walks in and freaks out, declaring: "I have to get out now! It doesn't want me here!" is one of the greatest in the movie. It almost makes it an enjoyable movie. Well...not almost. But I liked that scene.

JM: What do you mean by "scene"? There were no scenes in this movie. Paramount gave us the actual video footage of a true haunting... right?

Billy: OK. I guess that explains why there are no special effects. Except at the end when her face becomes digitalized. Or was that just a glitch in the video? I couldn't tell.

JM: I think we can agree that the friend with braces was a strong addition. I mean, there are only four characters in this movie and one of them is useless filler. What in the hell is that all about?

Billy: Speaking of useless filler...what was going on for 45 minutes of the movie's duration? This was a one-scene movie that was stretched out with several scenes of people in pools, people knitting, spiders in the bathroom, etc. This whole thing was filler. Nothing scary EVER HAPPENED! Except for the ghost chicken feet. That was creepy.

JM: I think you meant crappy. Again. The ghost chicken feet, by the way, are the demon's footprints... which look like giant chicken prints. We see them because the boyfriend decided to pour powder all over the floor. As he did this, he bragged that this was part of his plan to defeat the demon. Which makes no sense to me.

Billy: Right...because a demon would leave footprints, anyway. So, the point of all this is that this movie is really boring and we want our money back.

Final note from Richie: Great comedy! This plays like the lost episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"!

ONE FINGER...STRAIGHT UP!

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999)

By JM and Billy

Once again, the brothers of Tower Farm have decided to tele-conference a review. This, of course means, it is 2pm on a Saturday and JM has yet to get out of his pajamas and Billy is drinking a beer and eating from several bags of chips. From our respective homes in Florida and Virginia, we are using state of the art technology like cellular phones and a laptop computer to bring you the very best in slashers and sleazy reviews.

The movie selection process was equally cutting edge. With our own version of football brackets, we slowly narrowed down dozens of DVD classics. Movies like Catwoman and Night of the Demons 2 were put head to head. After many rounds of elimination, one movie remained. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present the victor: Candyman 3: Day of the Dead.

Right off the bat, it is important to note that Candyman 3 is the best movie in the series. We are fully aware that many of you will disagree with this. But, you are wrong. That may be harsh. But, it is just the way that it is.

The first Candyman was a fairly disturbing big-budget critical success starring an Oscar nominated actress, created by one of the most respected horror writers in the business. Part 3 comes to us via Turi Meyer (Wrong Turn 2: Dead End), stars a Baywatch babe, and went straight to DVD. There is just no contest here people.

The treasures start before you even have to select play on the menu. The viewers are treated to what we call “The Candyman Rap”. It is a roughly 15 second repeating drumbeat with Tony Todd saying things like “One destiny. One family” to the music. Why Def Jam Records has ignored this talent, we don’t know.

Okay...There is a giant white elephant in the room. Before we can go any further with our review, we feel it needs to be addressed. Turi Meyer expects us to believe that Donna D’Errico is related to Tony Todd. It doesn’t matter what Tony Todd was breeding with, there is just no way to convince us that Donna D’Errico is part of his bloodline.

In case you are not familiar with Donna D’Errico and her groundbreaking work as a lifeguard on Baywatch, she also married the bass player for Motley Crue. Yep, that and this movie pretty much sums up her career. Unless, of course, like us at Tower Farm, you are convinced that she and Tiffany Amber Thiessen are one and the same person. Then, her resume is extensive.

In this movie, she plays the great-great granddaughter of the Candyman, who we’ve learned from the previous two installments, was a slave who was murdered for sleeping with a white woman. Part three, though, really opens up the plot for us, as we learn, for the first time, that he was an accomplished artist, and, apparently, he impregnated the lady he was humping. As it turns out, Donna D'Errico's character, Caroline McKeever, is also something of an artist. But, don't worry... after one scene in which she frantically draws the Candyman from her dreams, while in her panties, her artistic skills are never mentioned again.What is amazing about his paintings is that they look an awful lot like oversized printouts from Photoshop. Even Vincent Van Gogh could not get his subjects to look this lifelike.

As the great great granddaughter of the artist, Donna’s character is the sole owner of the entire collection of his paintings. That makes sense, right? She also chooses to have the world premier of the paintings in some sort of rundown art gallery that one might expect to find in a college town.

Of particular note at the gallery is the crowd. The patrons on display are the greatest group of extras we can remember ever collected for a movie. Clearly these men and women are in the crew or relatives of the crew.

The a-hole owner of the gallery bullies Donna into repeating the name “Candyman” five times while looking in a mirror. The crowd watches with wonder and amusement as she repeats the word five times. At this point, we are introduced to a completely useless character played by Nick Corri.

Wait a minute, you don’t remember Nick Corri? He the guy who played Rod on the original A Nightmare of Elm Street. It seems that he is now acting under the name Jesu Garcia. Not important, but weird.

Anyway, as David de la Paz, Nick Corri screams about how the Candyman is coming for “yo” (which is how he says “you”). Later, it turns out he is an actor being paid by the a-hole gallery owner to spaz out and make the patrons “…shit their pants”. Good long-term business strategy!

By the way, during this exchange Donna tries to look angry, but comes off looking constipated.

After the event, Caroline McKeever enters what can only be described as the most dangerous place on the planet. This terminal… I guess… looks like it was constructed in hell. Then, it fills up with bees. Rather than run screaming, as we would have done, she explores the origin of the million or so bees and finds the Candyman floating in like Glinda the Good Witch, telling Caroline that he came for her. The viewing audience can tell that all of this scares Donna because, again, she looks constipated.

Then she wakes up on a park bench. I’ll bet during her marriage to Nikki Sixx waking up on park benches was pretty normal.

Finally we get our first kill, and let us tell you, it is spectacular. The gallery owner has hooked up with a blonde bimbo, and chases her topless through his apartment. She seduces him by eating honey, which seems a little morbid given that an hour earlier the gallery owner was telling the crowd about how the Candyman was killed with honey. Regardless, before you know it bees has swarmed the room and are stinging the girl to death. But, don’t worry, she remains topless through the whole thing. Then, the Candyman stabs the owner with his hook hand.

This is when the movie really kicks into high gear and all of D’Errico’s acting talents are put on display.

Inexplicably showing up at the gallery owner’s home, Donna finds the bodies. She starts chain smoking and telling the police that there is no such thing as the Candyman (who the police almost seem to be suggesting is a suspect).

In short order, Donna is crying in the shower. If this movie had been nominated for an Oscar, no doubt it would be due to this clip. As it stands, though, it has only been nominated for a Farmy. Which it won.

In the next bit of realism, Nick Corri and Donna D’Errico decide to team up to investigate the murders. Ignoring the gallery and the apartment where the murders took place, Nick takes Donna to a bar, then to see his grandmother.

During this seen, the director spends more of the movie’s budget on bees. This time, hatching them from an egg. I think I saw that on an episode of Mindfreak, once. What this has to do with the rest of the move, you’ll still be trying to figure out years later. It does, however, give Donna the opportunity to twitch and puff on more cigarettes in an attempt to further flush out her character.

By the way, has a single photograph ever better captured the spirit of Daytona Beach?

Next, the duo is accosted by a cop (who in one of Billy’s favorite scenes had been bringing roses to Donna earlier in an old-fashioned attempt to swoon her). Since we know Donna and Nick are innocent, the cop is shown to be a total dick. But, given that, from the cop’s perspective, he knows that Nick had been seen with the murder weapon, Donna stuck up for him for no reason, and after the murders, the two have been inseparable, it actually kind of seems to us that he is really just doing his job. I mean, who the hell else should he be investigating? They are acting more guilty than O.J. Simpson after publishing his book about how he would have murdered his wife if he had actually done it.

Anyway, with her roommate out for the night, Donna does the reasonable thing, and invites Nick in to do shots with her. Not just any shots, but full on tequila shots with slices of lime. One almost expects her parents to come in and disrupt the slumber party. Do adults really act like this?! By the way, they are doing shots by candlelight. How romantic.

Next, in a creepily incestuous (as opposed to uncreepy incest) dream sequence, D’Errico makes love to her great great grandpa. When she wakes up screaming, her roommate gets killed. This is inevitable, as the roommate has had no purpose in the movie, anyway. Her facial expressions, though, during her murder are wonderfully overacted. Only Felissa Rose even comes close to matching this level of ham.

A bunch of other stuff happens until Donna D’Errico is finally abducted by the congregation that Candyman keeps bragging about.

When we were in middle school, our parents had the two of us spend one memorable summer in some sort of theater daycamp. We spent a lot of time doing acting “exercises”, like walking around in circles pretending we were walking through molasses.

Well, the congregation seems to be comprised of Hot Topic employees that attended one such camp.

When one woman in the congregation calls the Candyman by looking in a mirror and saying his name five times, he appears and, to their surprise and horror, kills all of them. Now, what were they expecting to happen?

When they are all dead, the Candyman, once again, attempts to seduce his great great granddaughter with such come on lines as “be my victim”, “surrender to me” and repeating “Caroline” over and over. In fact, these seem to be his only lines in the movie.

More bees.

Finally, Caroline defeats the Candyman by ripping up his paintings. That’s all it took?! That’s even lamer than the revelation at the end of Witchboard when we find out all you have to do is shoot the Ouija board! Anyway, somehow in doing this, Caroline destroys the good and the evil of Candyman (by the way, the only evidence that we have that there was any good is that he was boffing someone before he was killed… Can’t bad people do that too?).

Then, Caroline remembers that she has to also destroy the myth of Candyman. She does this by pinning his murders on a cop… who was a jerk, but probably didn’t deserve this.

And, really, that is it. Candyman gone. No shocking surprise ending, or anything. Caroline and the very filthy-looking Nick Corri are happy and hanging out at her mother’s grave. Roll credits.

Even though, for reasons I cannot begin to imagine, former Playboy playmate Donna D’Errico is just about the only female in this film to not get topless, we still think she has earned a spot in our Hall of Fame (still under construction). She has shown herself to be more than up to the task of starring in a sleazy slasher movie.

Three and a half fingers.

Delirium: Photo of Gioia (1987)

Reviewed By: Billy

Thank you, Lamberto Bava. Thank you for choosing to create this deliriously sleazy movie, which stands as one of the definitive examples of everything right about 1980s Eurotrash. This movie is absolutely unreal in its sleaziness; this review will be almost impossible to write, as the only way to fully convey the trashiness would be to upload to movie and make each and every one of you watch it.

The opening credits themselves are worthy of their own full review; this is, without a doubt, the most hilarious sequence of titles I’ve ever seen. Set to music that sounds like Goblin scoring an episode of Cinemax’s “Passion Cove,” we get the names of cast and crew (which are sooooo Italian they almost seem like a parody…seriously, the insane collections of consonants and vowels end up in names like Gianfranco and Gianlorenzo) intercut with nude photos of the luscious Serena Grandi, whose enormous chest and wildly blown-out perm make her look like the Italian Kelly LeBrock from hell. There have got to be at least 15 or 20 nude shots of Grandi, each one featuring the kind of gaudy jewelry and tacky see-through outfits that could only have come during the Reagan years. If I were into naked women, I would probably watch these credits on repeat at least four or five times a day. Heck, I’ll still probably watch these credits on repeat at least four or five times a day, if just to see such brilliant, awkwardly phrased titles as:

The credits lead us into even more nudity, during an opening scene in which three giggling models participate in a nude photo shoot in a pool (while some guy stands shouting commands including, “Offer yourself, Kim! You love it!”). Also lounging by the pool are Gloria, played by Serena Grandi (although now she’s fully clothed and wearing possibly the worst “Dynasty”-inspired wardrobe ever) and her agent, played by Daria Nicolodi. Come on…you didn’t think we could have a trashy Italian movie without Daria, did you? Anyway, Daria gets set up as a possible killer right at the top, as she gives that creepy, lustful stare (you know the one…it happens in every Italian trashfest) and lovingly tells retired model Gloria, “You were something else.”

Gloria, you see, is a former model who has apparently retired and is now the editor of a famous men’s magazine called “Pussycat.” And yes, I realize that while the movie’s subtitle is Photo of Gioia, the woman in question is called Gloria repeatedly through the film. My guess is that the people dubbing the movie had no idea how to even begin to pronounce “Gioia” – and hence they just changed her name. Anyway, did I mention that Gloria gets one of the tackiest wardrobes I’ve ever seen? Thankfully she’s topless a lot, which spares the audience from such atrocities as this:

For those of you who don’t know this movie’s big gimmick going into it – and I didn’t – the first murder will take you by surprise in a wonderful way. Of course, I’m about to ruin that surprise for you right now…but, whatever. So, Lamberto Bava decides that he’s going to show us the killings through the murderer’s twisted point of view…which means that when he’s slaying beautiful models, they look like this through his eyes:

Now tell me that’s not awesome! Not only is this a trashy slasher, but now the murder victim ends up looking like a crazy Cyclops character from Clash of the Titans! Anyway, the killer takes the victim’s body and poses it in front of a giant photo of Gioia…er, I mean, Gloria…and then sends it to her. After calling police, our gal Glo desperately asks, “But why send that photograph? And pose Kim’s body in front of a poster of me? And why was she killed, right here at my house?"

Umm…Gloria, I’m gonna take a wild guess: maybe he’s obsessed with you??

The next murder is even better. The killer makes the choice to show up at a model’s house inconspicuously dressed as a beekeeper, and opens up a shoebox that has somehow been containing what looks to be millions of bees. And this time, instead of a Cyclops, the killer visualizes his victim like this:

Note, of course, that while her face is covered in a cheap bee mask…her breasts are still on full display through the scene. Anyway, the bees go crazy on the poor girl, and her hysterical reactions are a wonder to behold. At one point, I think she’s even doing the climactic Jennifer Beals Flashdance routine. Anyway, she dies…ends up being photographed in front of a Gloria poster…and once again, Gloria desperately asks, “Why?” Come on, you idiot! The killer’s obsessed with you!

Anyway, more people die, and the list of possible suspects is as long as my list of neuroses. There’s the gay photographer, the wheelchair-bound crazy neighbor, the competing magazine editor, Gloria’s ex-boyfriend, and, of course, creepy Daria, who gives nervous little “I might be guilty”-glances with all the quiet subtlety of a NASCAR race. But the denouncement of the killer is better than I could have ever hoped for: it’s Gloria’s own brother, who announces that he’s so in love with her that he had to kill everyone else. This, of course, leads to a final scene in which the brother makes Gloria strip – for no apparent reason but that the audience gaze in wonder one final time at the amazing assets of Serena Grandi – and rubs a knife all over her body. But before he can finally penetrate the object of his affections, poor brother gets shot right though the penis. Yikes! Did someone mention subtlety?

Anyway, it’s pretty clear that Delirium: Photo of Gioia is genius. It stars an amazing Italian sexpot, uses every opportunity imaginable to give us nudity, makes no sense, and has no character actually named “Gioia.” And to top it all off, if ends on the unflattering screenshot of Gloria at the very beginning of this post. Lamberto: congratulations! You got it just about all right, and for that, you get a big…

FOUR FINGERS