Saturday, January 31, 2009

Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

Reviewed by Jeremy Melton

This movie is embarrassing. I think we need to get that out of the way before I go any further. A total embarrassment. Like walking around the mall with your fly open.

Originally titled just Howling II, the dvd for this movie went ahead and added the idiotic Your Sister Is a Werewolf tagline. I prefer the tagline used on IMDB where this movie is listed as Howling II: Stirba- Werewolf Bitch. Don’t know where that came from, but thank you.

The first moments of this are humiliating. We get Christopher Lee reading from an ancient looking book about supernatural shit. He is very cheaply green screened so that he is passing through stars, like the starship Enterprise. Then a skeleton appears behind is right shoulder.

Oh, god. From that moment, it is clear where this movie is heading. It is like watching someone take shot after shot of tequila then stand up from the bar and pull out his car keys. You just know this is not going to end well.

We go straight to opening credits. So, with music that sounds like a B-side from an old Sisters of Mercy album, we get the following: Sybil Danning as “Stirba”.

Look, I don’t know what to tell you. This movie does everything it can to warn you during its first five minutes. If, like me, you do not hit the stop button and walk away, then, like me, you get what you deserve.

The first werewolf scene in this movie is hysterical. A woman lures a small gang of a-holes to some sort of abandoned building. She starts howling loudly and hides away. So, these guys start talking shit about having fun and “rough play”. Then one gets bonked on the head with a bottle. It is really funny. So, he pulls out a switch blade and says that he’s “…got somethin’…” for her while he pulls the zipper on his pants up and down. Then, his friend gets bonked on the head with a piece of wood. Again, really funny. A few minutes later, another guy gets bonked on the head with a wooden crate.

So, the guys start hunting her. But, as we’ve all seen a million times before, she is actually hunting them. So, the werewolf is always revealed here in one of three ways. First, we get the view through the werewolf’s eyes. In other words, the bad guys run around and the camera man follows them. Then, sometimes, a person in a gorilla costume is shown for a second or two. This is usually just a hairy arm or a distance shot. Finally, in my favorite moments, we actually see the female werewolf. However, she is obviously on a stage and does not ever interact with other characters. She just growls and looks at the camera. Really, it looks like the filmmakers just decided to throw in footage from the makeup tests. This lady is not even in the same town as the people she is killing.

I have said it before and I will say it again. This is embarrassing stuff.

Before long, we find out that some werewolves are immune to silver bullets and only titanium will kill them. Why? Why? Why?? That doesn’t even make sense. So, the weaker werewolves can die from silver, but not titanium, but the stronger ones can die from titanium but not silver? As I understand it, the king of werewolves is only vulnerable to pewter.

By the way, throughout the movie, the theme song, played by new wave rockers Babel, is continually played over sequences. The smart thing about this is the chorus of the song is simply “the howling”. So, we are incessantly reminded of what the title of this movie is.

So, nothing about this movie has any logic. We do find out, though, that there is some sort of werewolf queen named Stirba. It is almost her birthday. Instead of cake and presents, though, her friends will all be revealing themselves as werewolves. Christopher Lee plays a vampire hunter, make that werewolf hunter, with the realistic name Stefan Crosscoe. He is out to kill Stirba before this happens.

Now, it seems to me that, as a werewolf hunter, her birthday would be a wonderful day for him and not something he should be stopping. For one day, all werewolves will reveal themselves? Sounds great. He could probably kill a dozen before lunch. But, he wants to stop this for some reason.

Anyway, the werewolves all convene and start a ritual that, if it weren’t for the topless broads, would look a little like a fraternity initiation. During this some old lady (who we will find out is Stirba!) steals the youth of some young bride. So, the old hag is transformed into a mid-thirties blonde with smoker’s lips and a perm.

Lots of other shit happens while the viewer holds down the fast forward button.

Even though there is a fair amount of nudity, it is usually pretty gross because the naked bodies are covered with werewolf fur.

One good thing is seeing Stirba at the end of the movie dressed like Cher or Lita Ford. I guess this is what 10,000 year old women wear to their birthday parties. All black leather and studs.

During the credits, Babel finally gets to play their Howling II theme song all the way through. Babel’s performance is interspersed with scenes from this movie. And, I am not joking here, the scene where Sybil Danning pulls away her top and exposes her breasts is played 15 times.


Two fingers.


1 comment:

  1. Yeah this film is horrible, but kind of funny to watch. Here's my review for it: I wish the end credits was the whole movie. It would have gotten a perfect score!