Friday, April 24, 2009

The Covenant (2006)

by JM

I have tried to watch this movie on four occasions now. Without fail, I fall asleep. At first, it was a little frustrating. How was I going to write a review of this movie when I can’t make it all the way through without passing out like Donna on 90210 when she went to Prom after sipping on one glass of champagne? Should I just give up or try for the fifth time to push through it?

Then, I realized, this is the review.

Let’s begin with the director. Renny Harlin… could I be your biggest fan? If it weren’t for this guy the world would have never gotten Cutthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, or, one of my all time favorite movies, Cliffhanger.

Let’s face it… he is a walking disaster.

This is the man who so thoroughly derailed A Nightmare On Elm Street that, 20 years later, it has not recovered. He directed the fourth installment and introduced Alice. The Dream Master. She takes people’s dream powers when Freddy kills them. Oh. My. God. That is stupid. I am sorry, but there is no other way to put it.

After the rerelease of The Exorcist, the pubic was interested in that dusty franchise. So he released Exorcist: The Beginning. Well, I think it is fair to say the public is not interested in a fifth one. Thank you very much.

In 2006 Renny put together The Covenant. It is pretty clear what was going on here. Renny Harlin thought he might get a franchise of his own by mixing Harry Potter with The Lost Boys. It didn’t work. I guess the world would not be ready for Twilight for two more years.

The movie is about a group of kids who, I guess, are in some sort of high school or something. They all party at night, sleep in dorm rooms, and never seem to go to class. I don’t know, it sounds easier than a GED to me. But, these kids are not completely without stress.

You see, a group of them are witches. Or warlocks. Is it okay to call a boy a witch? Well, I am not taking the drive to Cassadaga to find out. I will call these boys witches and just have to hope that no long-haired blonde guy tracks me down to bite out my tongue…

… Okay, that was a reference to Warlock. Why do I always assume everyone has seen the same movies as me?

Anyhoo… every kid at this school drives a Mustang and looks like a model. It is really irritating and makes it very hard for me, the viewer, to relate. Or care.

The main witch, played by Steven Strait, has two problems. First, should he tell his girlfriend (played by Laura Ramsey) that he is a witch? Second, how can he stop the other rich boys from casting spells like the girls on Charmed.

The thing is, using witchcraft is addictive. Sure, it feels good now, but it ages you before your time. I’ll bet Shannen Doherty wishes she had known about that. Have you seen her recently? Yikes.

Yes, by the way, you read it correctly. Witchery is addictive. Like alcohol or meth. Now tell me that is not asinine.

So, what happens next? I don’t have a clue. That is as far as I ever make it.

It is one finger for Mr. Harlin. And, you know what? I will throw in a half finger for casting the always pleasant Laura Ramsey (even though I am sick of “high school” girls having tattoos in these movies… I mean, where are these kids' parents?).

One and a half fingers.


  1. well, at least you tried...multiple times. i haven't done that.

  2. JM,
    I made it all the way through. Trust me, you're not missing anything. I actually can't even remember how it ends. Or how it begins. OK...I don't remember anything about this movie. It's so boring.

  3. Sounds like a crappy version of The Craft (which was actually really good). I don't mind it when people in horror movies look 'mainstream attractive' (hell, they're actors) but when they look like male models - I hate it. Do I really need more reminders of how ugly I am?! :D

    - Zac