I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Reviewed By: Billy

This is the greatest movie ever made.

Yes, I know we say that a lot here at Tower Farm…but this time we mean it. This movie is wonderful. And how could it not be? Somehow managing to combine Saw, Showgirls, and The Parent Trap into one completely incoherent script, I Know Who Killed Me tries so hard to be artistic and intellectual that it ends up completely imploding like an unwanted old building on the Vegas Strip. And there igniting the blast is Lindsay Lohan, in not one but TWO career-killing performances, absolutely determined to prove to the world that she’s a mature actress by playing a foul-mouthed stripper who says the f-word a lot and smokes.

Thank you, God, for this movie.

So…trying to summarize the plot of this movie would be like trying to sum up the Old and New Testaments in a few sentences. Let’s just say this: I Know Who Killed Me is the movie Dario Argento’s been trying to make for the last 20 years. Almost every element here is desperate to be Italian; we’ve got a serial killer-mystery that makes no sense, ridiculous scenes of excessive bloodletting, boring interludes of police procedurals, befuddling supernatural elements, and two leading characters played by the same actress – each with her own color palette! I mean, come on…if this isn’t the kind of script that Dario’s been trying to piece together ever since Opera, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, right from the opening credits, Lohan is out to prove that she’s not a little girl anymore…she’s a stripper (something we all kind of assumed from the bulk of her tabloid coverage). I can only imagine the teenaged boys who were in the theatre when this movie first opened, watching these credits and completely excited by the prospect of finally seeing Lindsay Lohan topless on screen. Unfortunately for them, Lindsay – while she does roll around on a stage with the grace of an injured cockroach – doesn’t actually do any stripping. Thus, I’m assuming this exotic dancer makes really, really bad tips during her shows. (By the way, the DVD contains a feature called the “Extended Strip Dance Scene”…which doesn’t appear to be any different from the one featured in the movie and again showcases Linsday fully-clothed).


But as soon as the credits are finished rolling, we get another Lindsay Lohan. This one’s not a stripper; she’s a high schooler named Aubrey who writes (from what we can tell) really lame stories and takes piano lessons from a teacher so creepy he can only be a serial killer. Not that I’m trying to give away the ending or anything. The teacher tells Aubrey that she has a real gift and mentions that she once won something called the Young Artist Award.

Wait a minute…the Young Artist Award? Are you telling me the writers couldn’t come up with anything more creative than that? They couldn’t think of a name that sounded like a prestigious award? Hell…this one’s lazier than the Hitchcock Award from Urban Legends: Final Cut.

Anyway…I digress. Aubrey quits piano, and less than 24 hours later disappears during some kind of high school block party taking place after the big football game. This block party scene is great, as basically every red-herring character manages to show up there, from Lindsay’s slightly obsessed boyfriend to her flirtatious gardener to even some gross cop who will pop up a few more times in the movie. The only character who doesn’t show up is the piano teacher, who – again – is so creepy he can only be a serial killer. Not that I’m trying to give anything away.

Next we’re treated to some torture scenes where Aubrey is tied down to table and gets her fingers hacked off. I say torture in relation to the character, of course…because for us, they’re downright delightful. The director is clearly taking notes from Hostel and Saw here…trying to make us recoil with horror. But, come on…the killer actually sticks a big block of dry ice on Lindsay’s hand to eat away the skin. This isn’t horror…it’s comedy gold!

Now, here is where things shift into high gear. Aubrey is found on the side of the road, sans one arm and one leg. But once she’s awake in the hospital, Aubrey starts insisting to anyone who’ll listen that her name is actually Dakota Moss and that she’s a tough-girl stripper. Now, to the casual observer, it would seem obvious that the trauma of losing two limbs has driven Aubrey completely insane. This seems logical, right? Well, not to the police….who become complete hardasses and instead of having any compassion, start yelling at Aubrey/Dakota about how she’s not being cooperative and that she better start telling the truth or else. I should mention that these halfwit cops (led by Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon, whose performance is….odd) also do lots of “profiling” of the killer…none of which turns out to be correct in the slightest by the end of the movie.

Meanwhile, I should also mention that Lindsay’s turn as the hardened stripped is one of the most enjoyable performances in Tower Farm’s history of sleaze-viewing. Determined to show that she’s a tough-girl from the streets, Dakota throws around inane slang like “fuzz” (cops), not to mention uses the “f” word every five seconds. Take this piece of dialogue for example:

DAKOTA: How the f- would you feel? Fingers…leg…hand…gone! I practically f-ing died! And now I’m locked up in this f-ing hospital like a goddamn prisoner!

Keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan – the actress – is about as edgy as Linda Blair in full Chained Heat-prison garb. In other words, she’s not. The flashback scene where Dakota goes to a “gentleman’s club” to get a job as an exotic dancer is one of the film’s most satisfying, with yet another slow-mo striptease that consists of absolutely no stripping nor any teasing. Jesus…why are men handing her money? She’s not doing anything!

Dakota is finally released from the hospital, complete with bionic hand and leg, into the awkward situation of living with Aubrey’s parents, whom she treats with complete disrespect. You know, Dakota is really an idiot. If she really isn’t Aubrey…then she just got the luckiest break of her life. A few days ago she was a homeless stripper, and now she’s living with an upper-middle-class family paying for all her medical bills. Quit bitching!

Anyway, Dakota teams up with Aubrey’s jock boyfriend (who she randomly sleeps with before uttering the charming line, “Did Aubrey ever f- you like that?”) to figure out the mystery of…well…what exactly is the mystery here? I guess they’re looking for Aubrey…or trying to figure out who killed her…if she’s dead…or not. Oh, jeez…I don’t know what the hell’s going on. I do know that Dakota ends up at some other girl’s house who also disappeared and that girl also has a Young Artist Award.

That’s right, folks…the Young Artist Award is back and it’s actually a clue. Wow.

We finally learn the truth about Dakota/Aubrey in an amazing scene that is almost indescribable. Out of nowhere…nowhere…radio host Art Bell shows up and delivers a monologue to the audience about “stigmatic twins” – in which one twin experiences the pains and wounds that the other twin is experiencing. Let me tell you…when it comes to finding a way to deliver unexciting plot exposition, this takes the cake. A non-character literally pops onto the screen and explains what’s going on to us. Can you imagine how great it would be if this happened in every movie? I would have killed for Art Bell to show up in Exorcist II and explain that one.

Anyway…so, yeah…Aubrey and Dakota are long-lost twins…which means Aubrey is still alive and being cut up by the psycho killer, which is why Dakota’s limbs keep falling off. Thank God, by the way, that JM and I are not twins, because trust me, he’s not worth losing even one finger over. And the Young Artist Award connection leads Dakota and Aubrey’s father to the piano teacher’s house. Strange that the police never made the piano teacher connection between Aubrey and the other victim…then again these police are still profiling the killer as someone who is afraid of watching his victims die.

What?

As good as Lindsay Lohan is as potty-mouthed Dakota, Thomas Tofel threatens to steal the final reel as Douglas the piano-playing psychopath. This is overacting at its finest; a work-of-art that makes Anthony Hopkins look like an extra stuck in the back of the chorus line. Of course, the set decorator helps things along by hanging mannequin arms and legs all over his basement…but watch as Thomas nuzzles his head amongst the plastic limbs and just try not to fall in love with him. When he finally gets some kind of glass knife shoved through his balls and takes one last longing look at the arms and legs around him, it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for the guy.

Speaking of being sorry…the movie sadly ends shortly after this, as Dakota digs up Aubrey, who’s been buried alive, and the two girls die together. Maybe. Actually, I have no idea what’s going on at the end. To make matters more confusing, there’s an alternate ending on the DVD that implies the entire movie was just one of Aubrey’s lame stories. So clearly the filmmakers had no idea what was going on, either. Oh, well…better to be consistent and make the movie a total mess from start to finish, rather than pulling a rabbit out of a hat at the end.


So, I believe I’ve stated a strong case as to why this movie is so wonderful. I mean, it’s not that often that you find American-made Eurotrash. But when you do…you don’t let it go. Therefore, this one gets the top rating here at Tower Farm: FIVE FINGERS…even if a few fall off in the process.