On the way home from seeing the much-hyped new release Paranormal Activity, we decided to try to come up with some alternate titles that we felt better fit the movie. Here's what we came up with:
1) Blair Witch For Dummies
3) Chicken In The Attic
4) Normal Inactivity
As you might guess from these titles...this is the creepiest movie ever made. Oops...we mean crappiest.
Billy: Look, people...this movie is terrible. Halfway through, JM had to get up and take a walk around the theatre lobby because the hand-held camera was so sea-sickness inducing. I, meanwhile, fell asleep somewhere around the part where the two main characters were arguing, which pretty much happened every five minutes. This, sadly, left our friend Richie to shoulder the burden of this atrocity, and he's never talking to us again.
JM: Richie is actually the one that came up with Blair Witch For Dummies, and you know, he is 100% correct. This is the exact same movie. It even pretty much has the same ending. The big difference is, of course, the characters in The Blair Witch Project were lost in the woods. The reason we only get one location (the couple's house) here is that one dipshit psychic said to the haunted couple that it would not help them to leave... the demon, or ghost chicken, is attached to the female lead. So, I guess, they decided at that point to not worry about groceries or anything else and just "hunker down".
Billy: Now, wait a minute. Let's not minimize the importance of the psychic character.
JM: You mean character 3 out of 4?
Billy: Yes. The scene in which he walks in and freaks out, declaring: "I have to get out now! It doesn't want me here!" is one of the greatest in the movie. It almost makes it an enjoyable movie. Well...not almost. But I liked that scene.
JM: What do you mean by "scene"? There were no scenes in this movie. Paramount gave us the actual video footage of a true haunting... right?
Billy: OK. I guess that explains why there are no special effects. Except at the end when her face becomes digitalized. Or was that just a glitch in the video? I couldn't tell.
JM: I think we can agree that the friend with braces was a strong addition. I mean, there are only four characters in this movie and one of them is useless filler. What in the hell is that all about?
Billy: Speaking of useless filler...what was going on for 45 minutes of the movie's duration? This was a one-scene movie that was stretched out with several scenes of people in pools, people knitting, spiders in the bathroom, etc. This whole thing was filler. Nothing scary EVER HAPPENED! Except for the ghost chicken feet. That was creepy.
JM: I think you meant crappy. Again. The ghost chicken feet, by the way, are the demon's footprints... which look like giant chicken prints. We see them because the boyfriend decided to pour powder all over the floor. As he did this, he bragged that this was part of his plan to defeat the demon. Which makes no sense to me.
Billy: Right...because a demon would leave footprints, anyway. So, the point of all this is that this movie is really boring and we want our money back.
Final note from Richie: Great comedy! This plays like the lost episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"!
ONE FINGER...STRAIGHT UP!