Finally…FINALLY…here’s a newly released horror movie that we at Tower Farm can really appreciate. Any film that brings together the powerhouse acting trifecta of Carrie Fisher, Rumer Willis, and Audrina Patridge is a surefire hit over in these parts, and let me tell you, the ladies do not disappoint. I’ve never seen the original The House on Sorority Row, but I’m guessing it has nothing to do with this movie, which might as well be titled I Know What You Did 8 Months Ago. It borrows so heavily from the Last Summer series that it's practically Part 4, not to mention throwing in liberal helpings of Black Xmas and Mean Girls. Basically, this movie combines the three genres we love best: sequels, remakes, and ripoffs.
Therefore, it’s the perfect movie.
Sorority Row plunges we, the viewers, immediately into the exciting world of Greek life…which, according to this movie, involves parties with lingerie-clad sorority girls performing a choreographed dance routine (yes…a line dance in the middle of a sorority house party) and a trampoline in the front hall where the girls have sexy pillow fights before adoring crowds of frat boys clearly in the late 20s/early 30s. Wow. This sure doesn’t look like any of the Greek parties I attended in college.
Speaking of roofies, the basic plot here revolves around the old prank-gone-wrong scenario – in this case, a stupidly elaborate prank in which “Hills”-star Audrina Patridge pretends to overdose on the drug. The sisters then scare her boyfriend into driving her body to a remote mine where, believing that she’s really dead, he shoves a carjack through her chest. Oops!
Thankfully, before long, we get another murder, and this one’s a real winner. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Carrie Fisher, doing her very best Margot Kidder impersonation:
So Carrie is the housemother, and for some reason she shows up toting a shotgun and hunting the killer while growling out dialogue including, “Please don’t think I’m afraid of you…I run a house with 50 crazy bitches!” The scenes of her stalking around the house and firing off at shadows are the stuff Tower Farm is built on, but unfortunately she ends being impaled in the kitchen.
So blah blah blah…more stuff happens and finally the killer is unmasked. It turns out that the killer – who throws tire irons with the skill of a ninja assassin and throws around adults with the strength of Hercules – is the scrawny school valedictorian who happens to be Cassidy’s boyfriend.