Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)

by JM

Look, I’m no theologist and I certainly am not an expert on ancient cultures and customs. I have, however, seen Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers and The Guardian. So, I feel that I am something of an expert when it comes to Druids. And if there is one thing I am fairly certain of, it is this: The Druids are not God’s chosen people to fight Satan as he tries to bring the apocalypse.

Yet, no joke, this is the crux of the premise of Warlock: The Armageddon. In fact, even the Catholic Priest in this film is aware of this. There is just no argument. The Druids are the chosen warriors to fight for Christianity.


So, as you might guess, the second Warlock movie is just no holds barred, batshit crazy.

Natasha Henstridge reprises the role of the Warlock in this sequel. I mean Julian Sands does. Easy mistake.

We find out early on that Satan has resurrected his only son in so that the Warlock may find a half dozen rune stones. These stones, for reasons never really explained, are key to destroying humanity.

The Warlock’s resurrection, by the way, is notable for two reasons. Firstly, it is a complete rip off of Xtro (with a little Hellraiser thrown in), in that a woman is suddenly pregnant and gives birth to a fully-grown man. Secondly, this scene offers the only nudity in the movie… a full frontal Julian Sands.

Not to get too far ahead of myself, but these ancient and powerful stones are held by individuals such as a NYC fashion model (using one as an earring), a carnival man, some random girl that puts a stone around her neck before going on a date (claiming it is a family heirloom).

Honestly, this kind of stupidity is pretty rare in movies. I mean, was the writer a thirteen-year-old fan of the original movie? In any case, it certainly makes it pretty easy for the Warlock to get these stones.

In fact, the only catch is that the owner must willingly hand over the stone to the Warlock. He mentions that this is one of the rules (of course, this is never explained). So, for a good deal of the movie, the Warlock acts exactly like the Wishmaster. He tricks people into handing him the stones, in exchange for wishes fulfilled.

Like Freddy Kruger before him, ol’ Locky becomes something of a yuckter in this installment. My favorite of these moments comes when a hitchhiker asks him about how her hair looks. He rips it off of her head and hands her the scalp saying, “See for yourself”.

Anyhow, a couple of teenagers turn out to be Druid warriors. One is played by Paula Marshall.

Paula Marshall is probably best known as the young woman who “outed” Jerry and George in the “not that there’s anything wrong with it” episode of Seinfeld. She has also appears as a regular in the show Californication. We at Tower Farm will always love her for being the strange goth girl in Hellraiser 3: Hell On Earth.

Unfortunately, Paula Marshall’s character is established at the beginning of the movie, then just kind of disappears for about 40 minutes. Toward the end, she is brought back in a nonsensical turn of events where it is revealed that two warriors are needed to fight the son of Satan.

The main Druid throughout this movie is Andy.

Andy is killed by his Dad and some hillbilly, then brought back to life to fight the Warlock… as prophesized by the Druid faith… or something. Unfortunately, a whole lot of his training involves using mind control to toss around a baseball.

Oh, God, are those scenes cheap and boring.

Anyway, the Warlock gets the stones one by one.  In order to get the final stone, though, the Warlock cuts off the arm of the guy holding it. In my opinion, this is a bit of a cheat when it comes to the rule about people willing handing these things over.  I mean, if it was that easy, why didn't he just cut off the limbs of everyone else instead of wasting time tricking them?

Finally, the kids fight the Warlock. There is a bunch of half-assed Jedi mind stuff going on until finally, the boy gets a knife to go into the Warlock, abruptly turning our villain into a 1980’s Italian zombie.

So, the movie is a little boring. However, it earns points in its brazen attempts to rip off more successful franchises (A Nightmare On Elm Street, Hellraiser). Frankly, I also find its stupidity to be kind of brave.

Two and a half fingers!


  1. Julian Sands was probably brought to Earth by aliens to play in horror movies :) He's a natural talent when it comes to that genre.

  2. Oh the bravery....I can hardly remember this movie because i saw it when I was like ten. Maybe that's not a bad thing.