Sunday, May 24, 2009

Final Destination 3 (2006)

Reviewed By: JM and Billy

We used to love "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Remember those? They were awesome -- a mainstay at elementary school bookfairs which featured those huge metal shelves that opened up on door hinges like some sort of mobile bomb shelter. Anyway, in case you're of a younger or older generation than us, in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book the reader would come to the bottom of a page and get a question like: "If Tommy goes downstairs to find out what made the noise, turn to page 11. If Tommy hides in the closet, go to page 35". If you picked the wrong action, Tommy would die. If you picked the right action, the story continued. Actually, no matter what action you chose, we think the book always ended in exactly the same way. Which brings us to the Final Destination 3 "2 Disc Thrill Ride Edition"...

Clearly the people making cheap third installments to horror movies these days also grew up at rural Indiana book fairs. First we get Urban Legends: Bloody Mary and I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer which, let's face it, should be dumbed-down Scholastic book adaptations if they're not already, and now we've got the third installment in the Final Destination series luring viewers with a "Choose Their Fate" option. This works just like the aforementioned "Adventure" books, right down to the fact that no matter which "fate" you choose, everything ends up at the exact same conclusion.

Please don't think this means we are putting down this special "2 Disc Thrill Ride Edition" (which, by the way, appears to be the only edition available on the market). In fact, we love it. We have always liked all of the Final Destination movies, but this one has moved its way from being a least favorite to our very favorite in the series. That's what happens sometimes at Tower Farm. We keep watching these sequels over and over again...and sometimes, they grow on us. Oh, hell, they always grow on us. Anyway, it's impossible to dislike a movie that shares a lot of the same cast members as Black Christmas and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. Those are just great movies. Also, this movies improves on its predecessors by removing Ali Larter from its cast. Why is she suddenly a star? Hasn't anyone noticed that she seems to be missing a top lip? It's quite concerning.

Oh, well...so instead of Ali here we get the always-welcome Mary Elizabeth Winstead. This actress is well known for appearing in hits like Live Free Or Die Hard and, of course, Death Proof. Personally, we at Tower Farm only know her because of her fantastic work in the amazing ensemble comedy that is the new Black Christmas. Winstead plays Wendy. Now, we know this will surprise you, but in this movie Wendy has a premonition about a deadly event. After circumventing her own death and the demises of many others, she has to piece together clues to save the survivors as Death comes to collect.

Wait a minute. That's the plot of Final Destination. And Final Destination 2.

Anyway, it is up to Wendy and some guy (who looks a little like a young Tom Cruise after drinking a vat of Olive Oil... which we've read Tom Cruise does in order to keep aliens out of his body. That Katie Holmes is one lucky gal...) to save the gang. Care to guess how successful this dynamic duo turns out to be?
Whatever. Everyone watches these movies for one thing: the over the top deaths.


As you can see, the death scenes deliver. JM is a big fan of the above-pictured weight-machine-head-slam...while Billy is partial to the old nail-gun-through-the-face that some poor girl endures late in the movie. When it comes to nail gun scenes, it's hard to top Color of Night...but this one comes close.

This movie also features JM's favorite actress, Crystal Lowe. You may remember her from... are you ready for this?... Black Christmas and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. We've also just discovered that she's in the newest Poison Ivy movie. What a resume! Is there anything this young woman can't do? Really, she's exactly what's needed in the horror genre...she'll agree to appear in just about anything and never seems afraid to take her top off. Anyway, Crystal's demise is a perfect example of this whole "Choose Their Fate" scam. At one point in the movie, we're asked to decide what temperature to set a suntanning bed at. If you choose one temp, she is trapped inside the thing and burns. If you choose another, she gets bonked on the head and electrocuted.

Hey, that's not fair! No matter what you do, Crystal Lowe is only in the movie for about 30 minutes!!

But, what the hell, right? This movie is a hell of a lot of fun. It has that cheap digital-video look that every other movie we mentioned in this review has...and we must be getting soft in our old age, because we kind of like it now. We here at Tower Farm are actually glad we missed this one while it was in the theaters, because even though the "Choose Their Fate" gimmick effectively takes the viewer right out of the experience every 20 minutes or so, we wouldn't want to to watch it any other way.

JM gives it Four Fingers.
Billy agrees.

So, there you have it. Eight Fingers.

17 comments:

  1. "Anyway, it's impossible to dislike a movie that shares a lot of the same cast members as Black Christmas and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. Those are just great movies."

    You guys are great :D

    (And I love this movie, Mary Elizabeth and Crystal more than I care to talk about)

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  2. I LOVE THE DEATHS AND THE GORE IN THESE MOVIES, IT REMINDS ME OF THE GOOD OLD GRINDHOUSE DAYS. GREAT WRITE UP.

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  3. Zacery-

    Don't be ashamed of your love for Crystal! We Wrong Turn 2 fans are just smarter than everyone else... right?

    JM and Billy

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  4. Wrong Turn 2 = gold. Pure gold. I have to agree with you guys 100% here, FD3 is the most fun in the series and has the highest level of rewatchability because (like WT2) it realized that it couldnt be taken seriously and instead went balls out for fun and entertainment. Im a fan for sure, wondering what they have in store for us in 3D, since we all know they would never pass on a gimmick!

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  5. My girlfriend will probably try and claim that she thought this movie sucked, but she was *totally* caught up in waiting for these suckers to get killed, and she also was the one who insisted we go back and do the "choose" option right away after viewing the film straight through the first time. Ha. This film is indeed a crowd-pleaser. And I totally agree with you about Ali Larter. She can go away any day now.

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  6. Yes, fans of Wrong Turn 2 are, on average, smarter than non-fans. I know my facts y'all :D

    I love balls out........fun and entertainment but I hate 3D movies.

    - Zac

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  7. So I think all of our comments pretty much sum up that this movie is a wonderful guilty pleasure...except that none of us probably feels guilty about anything!
    -Billy

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  8. I feel guilty about a lot of things. I have not been a good brother to you. Oh, God! Please forgive me.

    Oh, I don't feel guilty about the movie, though.

    JM

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  9. Dude, I've been a shitty brother to my sister too - don't stress about it. Just be nice to him now :D

    And there is NO WAY I feel guilty about FD3.

    - Zac

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  10. I won't be nice to Billy! Never! In fact, I once convinced him to buy one of those Drive In Classic packs with something like 50 movies on it. That was just mean of me. Everyone knows that it is impossible to find anything worth watching in those packs.

    JM

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  11. JM,
    Nice try, a**wipe. For your info, I got a pretty damn good print of "Savage Weekend" out of that box set.
    If you want mean...how about that Vinnie Vincent Invasion tape I bought you once for Christmas?
    -Billy

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  12. I have since repurchased it on CD. I love that record!!! Mark Slaughter's best album!

    JM

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  13. First time reader, and I've got to say that you guys' reviews are hilarious. I've already gone through six films that you've reviewed. Keep up the good work.

    And, yeah, Wrong Turn 2. Definitely the best ever.

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  14. Good to have you stop by, Warfreak -- we are fans of yours, too.
    -Billy

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  15. Texas Battle's demise via workout machine had me pissing my pants from laughter!!!

    As far as the Thrill ride edition goes, I remember the first time that my girlfriend and I watched it, I selected for them to not go into the roller coaster ride and the credits rolled!! Hilarious.

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  16. Dare I make another comment about how great Wrong Turn 2 is and how much fun FD3 is? No, I don't think I will...

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  17. Definitely a fun flick. I actually prefer FD2 more but I like this entire franchise in general - mainly for the over-the-top deaths. That Texas Battle death had me rollin' when I first saw it. And the tanning sequence is classic. I plan on reviewing this franchise before THE FINAL DESTINATION comes out in August. FD3 isn't my favorite of the three but I will say that it did have the hottest chicks in the franchise. And that has to count for something.

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