Sinbad Of The Seven Seas (1989)

Reviewed By: Billy

This movie is totally embarrassing. It is embarrassing in a way few movies are brave enough to be. Starring the sleaze-tastic trio of Lou Ferrigno, John Steiner, and Daria Nicolodi, Sinbad of the Seven Seas provides a master class in the arts of sloppy dubbing, high school drama department worthy costumes, and really bad teeth. It is a visual assault on par with Roller Boogie – a disturbing explosion of glitter, rhinestones, and fiberglass sets that could test the patience of even the most trash-tolerant movie fan. And so, dear friends, if you’re brave enough, read on. If you’re not so sure…here’s a little taste of the horrors to come:

Right off the bat, it’s important to acknowledge the ridiculousness of a movie in which Daria Nicolodi (she of every great 70s Giallo, and who apparently hit a VERY rough patch in 1989) is credited as “Narrator”…except that she’s dubbed. Umm…that means she’s not actually narrating the story, right? Anyway, Daria is looking especially alarming here, sporting perhaps the worst 80s Mom hair since my own mother’s hair was fried during the Terre Haute botched perm disaster of ‘86. If I had a picture of my mother’s burnt-frizz nightmare, I’d post it. Instead, here’s Daria displaying hers:

Anyway, Daria reads the story of Sinbad to her daughter (who, by the way, seems completely confused as to who this strange woman is and what she’s talking about). I’d love to relate the story to you now, except I really don’t know what this movie is about. It has something to do with Sinbad the sailor and an evil wizard named Jaffar. Jaffar, by the way, is the only reason I rented this movie, because he’s played by John Steiner. If you are unfamiliar with the wonder that is Mr. Steiner, I suggest you immediately run out and rent such classics as Tenebre, Schock, Salon Kitty, and another else you can find him in. Steiner is THE king of Eurotrash, and I will gladly admit I have a massive crush on him when viewing him in his 70s heyday.

Unfortunately for me, this movie wasn’t made in the 1970s. It was made in 1989. And here’s what we get:

Yikes.

Speaking of yikes, let’s talk about the costumes and set decoration here. If you have an aversion to gold lamé, you’ll want to avoid this film at all costs. The costume designers apparently had a field day while ransacking the aisles of the Disney World “Pirates of the Caribbean” gift shop, unfortunately coming up with atrocities like this one, which puts the Hulk in a pink top and shoulder pads worthy of the most insane “Dynasty” cross-dressing subplot:

The sets, meanwhile, come straight out of the worst Broadway musical in history. I really don’t know what else to say. Just look at this next picture and tell me you don’t imagine having to sit through “Star Trek – The Musical” starring Nathan Lane as Kirk and Martin Short as Spock:

Oh…and most important of all, at one point Jaffar introduces this woman, a “wicked sorceress” called Soukra (played by somebody credited only as Teagan) who now haunts my dreams nightly:

OK, look…clearly I’ve made a strong case for this being the most embarrassing movie of all time. If Soukra didn’t convince you, nothing will. I have no idea how this movie came to be, whose idea it was, or how it ever got released. All I know is that I hope to never see it again. That said, disasters this epic deserve at least a little bit of credit. I mean, few movies would be ballsy enough to put their leading man – known to millions as a muscled crime-fighter – in fluffy pink shoulder pads. So I have to kind of love Sinbad. Plus, we’ve got a narrator that’s not really talking. At Tower Farm, that move is considered a stroke of genius, and worthy of at least…

TWO FINGERS!!